Super Bowl Predictions!

[melack]

With the biggest game of the year a scant ten days away, I think it's time we indulged in one of America's most cherished past times -- prognosticating the results of meaningless sporting events for the purposes of gambling! Will it be Peyton Manning's turn to finally get his ring, thus ending comparisons to Dan Marino, the late great quarterback who could never quite get over the hump? Rest in peace, Dan. Loved you in Ace Ventura. Or will it be Rex Grossman, world-renowned sex cannon, who brings the trophy home, presumably to liquor it up and force it into a bout of savage love-making? ? And will the CBS announcing crew find the time to mention that Colts head coach Tony Dungy looks almost exactly like Soda Popinski of Mike Tyson's Punch-Out? Who knows! But that won't stop us from throwing out arbitrary final scores!

My prediction? Colts 27, Bears 21

Thank you, and may God bless America.

[linnea]

I have zero familiarity with sports. The only thing I know about the Colts is that a lady I work with is from Indiana, and she's happy about the Colts finally making it to the SB. And then I remember something about "Da Bears" on SNL, but it's been a long time.

Do you win Special Money for guessing what the final point outcome is going to be? Is that what Lucchese's Sports Book is all about?

[theinevitable]

Bears 74, Cots 21. I have these numbers from the Future.

[melack]

I'm sure Jough can rig up a way for the person with the most accurate and/or hilariously implausible score to win a bunch of tiny cans! That or a bunch of Vietnamese sex slaves. Either way, I think we all win. Well, everyone besides the sex slaves.

[littlefallsmets]

Indianapolis A WHOLE LOT, Chicago A LOT.

A team with a really good offense and a pretty eh defense versus a team with a really eh offense and a sometimes really good defense. I just can't buy the idea of Rex Grossman... like, at all. It's not just that I can't buy the idea of Rex Grossman winning the Super Bowl, the entire idea of Rex Grossman is sort of unbelievable.

The dude won the NFC Championship with a competition percentage of, like, 23%. That is less than one complete pass per four downs on average. I realize that sometimes guys run the ball and sometimes there are penalties and so on and... it's an average?

But on average, he throws MAYBE one pass that works per four downs?

That simply should not be. This is just another reason baseball is so much more interesting.

If a pitcher can only get the ball into the catcher's glove only once an at-bat, he is not getting paid to do it.

[linnea]

I can't quite believe that a man refers to another sports-playing man as a "sex cannon".

[littlefallsmets]

I was going to say "well, his icon is a girl hamburger so maybe he's channeling his horny girl hamburger icon" and then... I looked more closely at his icon and... realized that the hamburger isn't wearing lipstick. Rather, the hamburger has a tiny beard the size and shape of lipsticked lips.

So it is a boy hamburger.

Maybe it is a gay boy hamburger?

[melack]

The hamburger is a viking! That is his fiery red beard!

[KeithHernandez]

Uh, colts.

Also, S.C. can complete a pass on one of four downs because he throws the ball deep everytime.  No need to pussyfoot around for that brave soldier.  Plus, admit it ladies, you get all hot and horny just thinking about those Grossman bombs.  You think that would happen on a slant?  A fuck*ng SLANT?  If the Bears want 5 yards they will run.

[JorgeFabregas]

Indianapolis A WHOLE LOT, Chicago A LOT.

A team with a really good offense and a pretty eh defense versus a team with a really eh offense and a sometimes really good defense. I just can't buy the idea of Rex Grossman... like, at all. It's not just that I can't buy the idea of Rex Grossman winning the Super Bowl, the entire idea of Rex Grossman is sort of unbelievable.

The dude won the NFC Championship with a competition percentage of, like, 23%. That is less than one complete pass per four downs on average. I realize that sometimes guys run the ball and sometimes there are penalties and so on and... it's an average?

But on average, he throws MAYBE one pass that works per four downs?

That simply should not be. This is just another reason baseball is so much more interesting.

If a pitcher can only get the ball into the catcher's glove only once an at-bat, he is not getting paid to do it.

It was 42%, which is still not all that great. However, it's better than "less than 1 in 4". He has a higher passer rating through the 2006 playoffs than Peyton does, mostly because he has yet to throw a pick. Throwing the ball on the ground is not as bad as throwing the ball to the other team.

I am a bigger baseball fan as well, but it was sitting over there benevolently and you had to drag it into this. Is a .300 batting average ridiculous? No, it is just something that happens.

Bears 24, Colts 14.

Also, http://actasports.com/sows.php

[littlefallsmets]

I guess I thought the Viking Hamburger's tiny hat was... part of the background.

And your icon was a girl hamburger as denoted by lipstick.

I never questioned it because... y'know... my icon is an obscure minor league sports team, defunct since 1988 and as low on the totem as you could be and still be affiliated with a major league team so... like... I just assumed you had some sort of story behind it and I didn't want to pry.

Many people's icons are boys when they are purported to be girls, girls when they are purported to be boys, leaders of foreign countries being killed when they are purported to be normal people and alive, zoo animals when they are purported to be ladies, etc.

I figured the story of the Lipstick Hamburger would just come forward when you were ready.

I did not want to pressure you, nor did I want to pressure the Lipstick Hamburger.

Which, now of course, makes it all the more awkward to ask the significance of Viking Hamburger.

[melack]

Hey, man, the hamburger viking doesn't hold any grudges. He may be a viking, but he's mostly hamburger. Vikings cause death and destruction, but hamburgers only want to make people feel happy. That side wins out every time.

Also: its the album art from an obscure pop-punk band called the Steinways. Never heard the band, but the artist is the guy behind one of my favorite webcomics, Nothing Nice to Say.

[V-Adore]

I am not actually an evil robber-baron googly eye, but I thought this went without saying.

[jaydub]

I'll just take this moment to affirm that I am indeed a beer drinking kangaroo.

[robot_god]

Colts 34, Bears 24