Fuck you Onstad, I can out-bacon you anyday.

[Bobby Isosceles]

For seven years now, I have celebrated a holiday of my own devising: Baco de Mayo. It is the annual holiday celebrating all things bacon. Every year my ever-expanding circle of bacon devotees gather together, cook something on the order of fifty pounds of bacon, celebrate, etc.

Every year has been a step up from the last. We've smoked our own bacon, with some minor setbacks:



We make soap from the fat, Fight Club style (last year's was tea-tree oil scented).

And we make things that should never be made with bacon:

Bacon stir-fried in cracked pepper and whisky.
Bacon oatmeal cookies.
Maple syrup ice cream with bacon bits.
Bacon foster.
Bacon shwarma.
Beer battered deep fried bacon.

But this year I have conceived something so bacony, so awesome, that I must step back and exclaim: VAE, PUTO DEUS FIO.

Behold: DEEP FRIED SCOTCH BACON CHEESECAKE.



Step 1: make a maple cheesecake with bits of bacon in suspension, with a caramelized coating of bacon bits on the top, akin to a fruit cheesecake.
Step 2: chill this cheesecake to near freezing.
Step 3: dip the cheesecake in beer batter, the thicker the better.
Step 4: roll the battered cheesecake in a "crumb-coat" of crispy bacon bits
Step 5: DEEP FRY.

Serve with ice cream, defibrilliator


And for those who are so inclined:

[wombat]

Wow. I think I'm getting chest pains just reading that recipe.

[side_show]

Bobby, no!

[Asherdan]

My basal nervous system wants that bacon.

[littlefallsmets]

A narrative fills my mind, of Mr. Onstad hopping onto the Achewood corporate jet with a few sixers of high-end imported beer and two packs of Bacon-of-the-Month-Club bacon, dressed as the lead character from the comic book "Preacher"... heading to Bobby's like some sort of Old West meatsmen, heading to an Old West meat challenge between two grizzled Old West meatslingers.

One of them dies right near the end of the greatest meat showdown you've ever seen and when people try to throw up a cheer for the victor, the winner is all like "NO CHEERING! NO fuck*ng CHEERING! WE HAVE LOST A GREAT MAN TODAY! WE LOST... A MEATSLINGER... AND WE ARE ALL THE fuck*ng LESSER FOR IT! LEAVE US!"

...and he would sit shiva with the body, fending off the wolves until a proper undertaker could arrive to prepare the body for a proper Meatslinger's funeral and burial, with all the dignity and grace deserved to a man of such talents.

A young newspaper writer would come with the undertaker, probably the undertaker's son or something, an enthusiastic dude trying to make his name with the first article on the biggest death that meat had ever seen... I imagine him looking a bit like a cross between Jimmy Olsen and Jack London as portrayed in that one Star Trek episode with Mark Twain?

He'd say "Mister, they say you're the greatest meatslinger ever and the second greatest ever just died in your arms as you wept bitter tears."

"...they say a lot of things, kid."

"They say you've mastered bacon, they say they're going to exterminate all pigs so no one can ever sully your work again. They say you're just that good. Can't you just give me a few words for my story?"

"I'm busy here, I have to see to the burial of a good man."

"But... but... it would make my career! They say you are a man of meat! They say you're a man of vision!"

And he would look down at the fallen meatcomrade who in the span of a few hours he had hated and respected and loved as only one meatslinger can love another and finally mourned as only one meatslinger can mourn another meat slinger... and then he would look at the dusty road ahead for him and the undertaker and the corpse and he would say:

"Yeah. One hell of a vision."

And the newspaper man would be left in that dust, to sit there and wonder.

This is what I was made to imagine.

[Bobby Isosceles]

...and he would sit shiva with the body, fending off the wolves until a proper undertaker could arrive to prepare the body for a proper Meatslinger's funeral and burial, with all the dignity and grace deserved to a man of such talents.

The Meatslinger's own secret seven-spice dry-rub and three days of low-heat applewood smoking is the only funereal preparation required.

Onstad should be honored to be hung up and smoked. I would dip him, Hasmonean-style, into a tub of jamaican jerk sauce and cold-smoke until he is dessicated and mummified, an open-air burial that preserves his ka for the after life. His epitaph: A jerk he was in life, and jerked jerky he shall be ever after.

[linnea]

Whoa....

Does Onstad make you feel inadequate, Bobby?

[theinevitable]

so, in other words you want maximum cuddles plus marriage with Onstadt? Is that what you're saying here?

[linnea]

Do you guys really donate money to an animal rescue foundation? How much did you donate last year?

[V-Adore]

so, in other words you want maximum cuddles plus marriage with Onstadt? Is that what you're saying here?

He appears to want Mega Hugzz Plus Marriage with Onstad's ka in the afterlife, even. Freaky!

[Bobby Isosceles]

Do you guys really donate money to an animal rescue foundation? How much did you donate last year?

None last year. The donation is new because the people donating the land (the vet clinic, with about 30 acres, ten or so of which will be for the concert grounds) are friends of mine, and they mentioned they were still in the hole for taking care of Katrina dogs. They refuse to destroy animals, so it's a cost that I'd like to help defray.

The origins of this lie in a joke I had to have donations to PETA on a day exclusively dedicated to eating factory-raised pork products.

[Doc]

Bobby, you are truly the best of us.

Any recipe that starts off with the assumption that one knows how to make bacon cheesecake is a truly wonderful thing.

[Bobby Isosceles]

He appears to want Mega Hugzz Plus Marriage with Onstad's ka in the afterlife, even. Freaky!

I wouldn't mind some free, non-mocking, publicity from him. I'm already giving a little promo video to the Tiki Bar TV guys.

[jaydub]

Meatslinger sounds more like a euphemism for porn star.

[Bobby Isosceles]

Pictures from this year's event:

Baco de Mayo 2007