Nuts to you!

[side_show]

Dear Mom who called me to complain about the letter I sent home with each student reminding them of the banning of beans, nuts and products containing beans or nuts from the reception after your child's performance.

Fuck you.  Seriously, go fuck yourself.  Like it says in the letter, several of our students have sever, fatal, allergies to these items.  Several.  Several means more than one or two or three or four or five.  Several.  Did you realize you were an insensitive bitch when I explained to you that two of our students had to go to the hospital, and could have died from whatever exposure they had to their allergins outside our building in the last year?  Could you tell I wanted to reach through the phone and gouge you in the eye when you snickered when I suggested you bring fruit or veggetables if you weren't sure what might be safe to bring? Were you embarrassed when you complained that you were having trouble reading labels and I suggested you ask someone at the store to help you read them?  Were you as embarrassed as I was for you when I explained that you could simply not bring anything if you found this too difficult to figure out? 

Do you know what I liked best about you, Mom-who-is-teaching-her-child-to-be-a-selgiraffe-ass?  I liked how you explicitly told me you had "accidentally" bought Oreo Cakesters for your child to share at the reception without reading the label, but now realized they contained ingredients that are poisen to some of our students, then you asked me what you were supposed to do with them.  I love how I said you need to keep them at home, and that since you are lucky enough to have a child who will not die of exposure to soy or nuts, that I'm sure your child will enjoy them.  I like how even though we had this conversation, that your child brought these very Oreo Cakesters to the program the next day and gave them out during a break when no one was supposed to be eating anything.  I like how on the label it clearly says they contain soy and that they are made on equipment that processes peanuts and tree nuts.  I like how you managed to send a single product that contained all three of the allergens that nearly killed two other students.  And that one of those students was in your child's class.

I tell you what I'm going to do.  I'm going to have a child, and slowly build of his tolerance to arsenic.  Then I'm going to send him to your child's lunch room at school with a bag full of arsenic coated Oreo Ratsters for lunch.  And maybe while my kid and yours are laughing and having fun, my kid might sprinkle some of his arsenic on your kids food by accident, or his arsenic covered hands might touch some of your child's food, or maybe he'll even be generous enough to share his Ratsters with your son.  I mean, why shouldn't my child enjoy his arsenic treats just because your child hasn't built up a tolerance to arsenic? 

In closing,

Fuck you, you are shit.

Sincerely, 

Me

[Doc]

Yeah, fuck this bitch.

[littlefallsmets]

side show ain't fuckin' around!

You need a tee-shirt that points this out, I think.

[CortJstr]

So moron, selgiraffe bitch, or moronic selgiraffe bitch?

[wombat]

How bad a person am I, if this thread makes me wish that more people would be assholes when Smells is around, thus inspiring her to more such heights of messageboard posting?

I am sorry.

[Asherdan]

I sympathize with you on that one, Smells.

Don't poison some of the kids is a pretty fuck*ng simple thing. I've had a healthy dose of 'parents who just don't get it and are assholes to boot' from running little league/Indian Guides/Cub Scouts things. All these groups do snacks and at various times I had kids who could be easily poisoned by 'standard' stuff. I always put the word out and I always had one (once two) who just didn't get it and got their feelings all twisted when I kiboshed a snackie. I had one 'dad' who was a dick similar to how you describe this woman. He backed off when I casually picked up a bat and told him if he poisoned a kid that I'd have his ass. Fortunately, this was at little league so a coach talking with a bat in his hand was no un-normal thing to be noticed. I wish you had such a direct method available to you, but considering the place and group, I'm sure you don't.

Thus, sympathies.

Excuse me but the shirt must say:

The person behind these tits ain't fuck*ng around.

See, the idea to get across is 'I am a woman and I nice person but I will have your ass'.

[littlefallsmets]

Or more simply:

"These Tits Ain't Fuckin' Around".

That works as well.

[Asherdan]

No, dude. You're familiar with diddling the language and you've been around here long enough to know the cast and characters. There are very specific reasons for wording it the way I did.

Seriously. I worked on that.

[Drygioni]

Cunt her in the bastard.

[jay-ell]

That is hells of lame. 

For Pete's sake.  It's one thing to be enough of an ass to say to a parent whose child has been diagnosed with something like ADHD or autism, "well, that kind of thing is over-diagnosed, I'm sure he's fine."  (Yes, people say this.)  I even know people who roll their eyes at the idea of peanuts being banned outright in schools, whether there are food-allergic kids in the class or not.  (My son's former preschool had a no-nuts policy in all classrooms regardless of whether there were any kids known to be allergic or not -- just in case.)  But when there are multiple kids who have had severe, life-threatening reactions in the past?  And when you get notice, to actually call and complain about someone else's medical condition...

Wow.  Just, wow. 

If you had a student who used a wheelchair, would she complain that the building has ramps? 

[pmcd9]

How come Mel only has 239 cans.  Shouldn't that be more like 2,390?

[Carlos del Vaca]

We've had a lot of this at our preschool.  Some folks just don't get it.  But if it was THEIR kid who had the allergy...

[side_show]

From the Nabisco website with Wikipedia links I've added in: 

Oreo Cakester Ingredients: SUGAR, ENRICHED UNBLEACHED AND BLEACHED FLOUR (WHEAT FLOUR, NIACIN, REDUCED IRON, THIAMNE MONONITRATE {VITAMIN B1}, RIBOFLAVIN {VITAMIN B2}, FOLIC ACID), CANOLA OIL AND/OR PALM OIL AND/OR PALM KERNEL OIL, SKIM MILK, FRUCTOSE, COCOA (PROCESSED WITH ALKALI), HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, LEAVENING (BAKING SODA AND/OR SODIUM ACID PYROPHOSPHATE AND/OR CALCIUM PHOSPHATE), CHOCOLATE, CORNSTARCH, EGG WHITES, SALT, CORN SYRUP, NATURAL AND ARTIFICIAL FLAVOR, EGGS, SOY LECITHIN (EMULSIFIER), CORN FLOUR, MALIC ACID, SODIUM ALGINATE, TRICALCIUM PHOSPHATE, POTASSIUM SORBATE ADDED TO PRESERVE FRESHNESS, TRISODIUM PHOSPHATE. ALLERGY INFORMATION: MANUFACTURED ON EQUIPMENT THAT PROCESSES PEANUTS AND TREE NUTS.

Personally, this smacks of being an ""edible foodlike substance" (yes, I'm a fan of Michael Pollan's In Defense of Food).  Many of the additives, especially the Trisodium Phosphate, are uh... not things I want to eat.  From the Trisodium Phosphate wiki entry: "Trisodium phosphate (TSP), available at most hardware stores in white powder form, is a cleaning agent, stain remover and degreaser, commonly used to prepare surfaces for painting... Although it is the active ingredient in at least one toilet bowl cleaning tablet, TSP is generally not good for cleaning bathrooms, because it can corrode metal."  Yikes.  There's something I don't want in my tummy. 

The best revenge of all is that the mom of the girl who had one of the most severe allergies not only pulled me aside to thank me for protecting our students, but came back later and donated hundreds of costume items to the school, and plans to register her child for on going classes.

[littlefallsmets]

I am glad that some good came out of this, anyhow.

I must say, though... if you're not allergic to them? Cakesters are fuck*ng AMAZING.

They are pretty much THE disgustingly perfect artificial snack food.

They taste nothing like a real foodstuff but goddamn if I had to stop buying them so that I would stop eating them and stop getting fatter.

[side_show]

Excuse me but the shirt must say:

The person behind these tits ain't fuck*ng around.

See, the idea to get across is 'I am a woman and I nice person but I will have your ass'.

I have a t-shirt to this effect, but it is more directed at people I work with than at any annoying person from the general public.  It is the only shirt with words on it that I wear.  A lot of people probably think there's some obscure band out there called the "Shoot Artists" but it was actually a shirt I bought from a guy selling a bunch of oddly sloganed t-shirts he had made at a theatre festival.