Recipe: Ramen Polanski

Here's a treat for when you need to eat in a hurry and all you have are the things that you always have on hand: Nissen Top Ramen soup and a package of hot dogs.

The secret to this recipe are the spices.

Also, the true foundation of this dish comes from using Polska Kielbasa, but most people don't have fresh (not smoked) Kielbasa around the house all the time, so we'll "modify" some hot dogs and make them have that Eastern European flavour.

Ingredients:
1 package of Nissen Top Ramen (no other brand will do - and you need the plastic wrapped kind, not the kind that comes in a styrofoam cup that Japanese men eat at Basubaru games) - 12-19 cents

1 8 or 10 count package of cheap hot dogs - $.99 to $2.99, depending on brand and the amount of beef in them

Vinegar, Mustard, Soy Sauce, and paprika (or crushed red pepper) to taste.

Directions:

Add two cups of water to a two quart pot or saucepan. Bring to a boil.

Stir in the seasoning packet of the Ramen soup, mix well, and add the noodles.

Now, I'm kind of a philistine because I break my noodles up a little before adding them to the pot. DO WHAT FEELS RIGHT TO YOU.

It almost doesn't matter what flavour of Ramen soup you use, but I'd recommend the all-purpose "Beef" flavour. Don't go crazy with exotica here. Simple is often better.

Bring back up to the boil, stirring desultorily. It doesn't matter if the broth cooks down and the noodles puff up like Anna Nicole Smith. Just let it be. It'll be fine. Your daddy still loves you.

Meanwhile....

Remove the hot dogs from their wrapper. Rinse the unsavoury "hot dog juice" from them. Place them in a small pan or casserole dish.

Douse dogs with a few shakes of vinegar (don't worry about using too much) equalling about four tablespoons. Squirt in some mustard (dijon like Grey Poupon or just that cheap yellow ball park stuff - NO ONE WILL KNOW).

Shake a few dashes, maybe a teaspoon of Kikkoman Soy Sauce - brand DOES matter here, as Kikkoman is brewed and doesn't have that awful aftertaste of the cheaper brands, like "La Choy" or the supermarket private label. DON'T SKIMP ON THE SOY, BITCH.

Mix all of this together through the ancient French method of grabbing the hot dogs and dragging them around through your goop.

Cut up the dogs into little medallions about three quarters of an inch thick, like your mom used to do when you were five. Mix that shit all together.

Now, this next part sounds crazy, but trust me. After mixing together everything you want to remove the dogs from the sauce (leaving most of it behind - but you can put it in a container and re-use it some day) and.... I swear I'm not making this shit up - PLACE THE CHOPPED-UP WEINERS IN THE SOUP.

You can add some Tabasco sauce for some heat at this point.

Mix well. Serve in a bowl. Top with a light sprinking of paprika, or else kick in some rad hot chilies to get your burn-on.

Serve to your lonely-ass self with some Diet Pepsi and a Jack Daniels chaser.

Cry while you wash the dishes and listen to the album by The Sundays that has that song "Here's Where The Story Ends."

Curse your parents and God for making you so homely.

No one loves you.

Total Prep Time: 15 minutes.

Average Time Spent in Therapy: 17 years.

Learning that your ex-girlfriend got syphilis from the guy she dumped you for: Priceless.