A Dilemma (or, V Needs Advice)

[V-Adore]

Okay, folks -- I need help. I've thought about sending this into Ray's Advice, but what with the "blog" thing I suspect I'm better off with the wiser heads here. This may get long and ranty; I'll try to keep it brief.

As most of you have probably surmised by now, I'm a dorm-dwelling college student with a roommate. For the most part, this goes pretty well; the roomie and I get along decently, and we have many mutual friends living nearby. One of these mutual friends, whom I'll call R, lives next door to me and is my major problem.

So: about two weeks ago, my boyfriend J decided to come visit me for a weekend. My roommate has made it quite clear that she didn't want  J sleeping in the room; I can accept this, and last time J came down to visit, R agreed to let him sleep on his floor, since R's room is huge and had plenty of space. So, a week or so before the visit, I talk to R about this; he seems more or less willing to help again, so I planned on it. My first mistake.

J arrived on Friday afternoon, and so Friday night, we went to talk to R about the whole thing. To my immense surprise, R told me that J was no longer welcome because R "didn't want anyone else in his room," even though J had nowhere else to go, and informed me flat-out that if I'd thought R would host J again -- or, hell, had actually agreed to help me out -- I was entirely wrong. This led to an argument which eventually led to R throwing and shattering a bottle against the closed door of my room.

I was feeling hurt, betrayed, and revolted -- R had, as far as I'd ever known, made a promise, and if he'd "not wanted anyone else in his room," maybe he should have goddamn said something. J had to sleep in our dorm's skeevy living room, much to his and my worry, and the weekend visit was overall stressful and miserable to the point that we almost ended a four-year relationship over it.

I'll be really blunt: I absolutely cannot stand R anymore. He betrayed my trust, and this whole incident has made me realize in a very real way what an absolute asshole the man is -- he never learned that bluntness isn't a virtue, and apparently he never, ever learned tact, so he's horribly bombastic and often actively offensive to me. (He's been this way all this year; I've just been more forgiving, or perhaps more oblivious, before.) I just cannot take him anymore, to the point of being physically uncomfortable in prolonged proximity to him talking.

The problem? R is a good friend of my roommate and of the other friends of mine in this dorm, so I'm really afraid that actually expressing anger towards him -- or doing what I really want to do, which is tell him off and then never speak to him again -- will backlash on me. To put it plainly, I have a sick suspicion that they'll take his side over mine. They defend him constantly -- "well, yeah, he can be thoughtless, but that's just his way." I don't want to be entirely alone here.

I realize what I should probably do is just grit my teeth and endure R for one more semester, after which he'll go abroad and I at least won't be living with him, but the upcoming semester looms bleakly ahead if I have to keep myself bottled up and interact civilly with The Asshole. I'm paralyzed with fear -- fear of ostracism or of nervous breakdown.

The one thing I think I really can't do is actually make up with R. I just can't go back; I refuse to let myself be friends with someone who walked all over me and almost cost me my boyfriend. I hate R... yet I can't get away from him.

So, there's my tale of woe. Any insights? I'd really appreciate any help.

[Carlos del Vaca]

Any chance of having an RA or somebody like that serve as a moderator?  Does your school have a conflict resolution class?  I'm sure there's somebody who could act as a third party, and give you an opportunity to iron out your differences in a neutral-forum setting, rather than a screaming-and-throwing-shit setting.

[slink]

Sounds to me like the ideal would be to find accomodation where you didn't have to deal with these issues. Though I know that may not be so easy.

I've managed to get rid of ex-friends like that and still have it be ok with the mutual friends. It can work if you are just honest about your feelings, and make it known that you're very sorry, but you're not going to get on with the guy.

All I can really say is this, don't let some asshole get in the way of your relationship. Stab him in the neck with the bottle before you let him manage that, even indirectly.

[wombat]

There's another option, which is to NOT interact with him, but civilly.  Sort of the Miss Manners approach.  You don't need to talk to someone who's been a brute.  But you don't want to lower yourself to his level by screaming at him.  You cut him dead by interacting with him at a level which is totally minimal but which no one could possibly take offense at.

After you calm down for a while, could you possibly make a mental game for yourself of doing this?  Seeing how cleverly you can avoid talking to him when you're in the same room, and how briefly you can answer him when cornered into some interaction.  Instead of thinking of it as bottling everything up and making yourself crazy, think of it as an acting exercise, an experiment in seeing who you can fool.  The advantage of this is that it gives you something else to work your mind on, rather than obsessing about how much you hate him.

It's not worth any kind of blowup when only one more semester is involved.  When everyone disperses and it's not a group thing anymore, it will be easier to have relationships with the individuals without it mattering so much what each of you feels about all the other individuals.

Anyway, the unfortunate thing is that you are going to end up someday with more people like this in your workplace or your extended family and you eventually have to be learn to deal with it without making yourself sick.  Believe me, I have been there.

[jough]

I was going to answer this, but Wombat is wise.  I would take her advice if I were in that situation (rather than my first instinct, which would be to cut out his tongue in such a way at to make it look like a shaving accident, and inform him that his balls would be next if he ratted me out).

But that's just me.

[AugustWest]

What Wombat said.  And to elaborate on the necessity for learning to deal with folks of this ilk, you can count on the fact that R (or one of his many doppelgangers) will be your:

A) Cubicle-mate
B) Team member on a project vital to your continued employment; and/or
C) Supervisor

Life is grand.

[pmcd9]

It sounds like you had a really fucked up weekend and this neighbor is probably a grade A jerk (the world is full of them), but if what you described strained your 4 year relationship near to it's breaking point then I would say that the relationship has some problems and you are focusing on the wrong issue.  Don't confuse the two.  If your boyfriend was this miserable over having to spend one lousy night in a shitty room, what's he gonna be like when something really upsetting occurs?

~Paul

***This advice to be taken with a grain of salt as I don't know enough about you or your circumstances to make a sound judgement.***

[wombat]

Believe me, my first instinct would be to cut his tongue out too.  But after spending many hours for many years lying awake hating people that I couldn't avoid, I think I have finally learned the lesson that you can't control other people, but you can control the way you react to them.  You can't get him out of  your physical life, but that doesn't mean he has to be a huge character in your mental life.  You have total control over that.  Do other things with your brain.  Play the game of looking like he doesn't bother you. And when you are about to have an extreme reaction to him in person, or when you find yourself obsessing about him in the middle of the night, you need to get into the habit of derailing that reaction - you must every time, religiously, force yourself to switch mental channels.  It's not easy, and sometimes I need to switch to what's essentially some different but less unhealthy obsession.  But you have to make the effort, because in the long run the feelings will make you sick and not bother him one bit.  

Take it from someone who's been a really good hater.

[V-Adore]

I would say that the relationship has some problems and you are focusing on the wrong issue.  Don't confuse the two.  If your boyfriend was this miserable over having to spend one lousy night in a shitty room, what's he gonna be like when something really upsetting occurs?

This is admittedly also a factor -- J was, if you pardon my counter-whining, rather more of a whiny bitch than was absolutely necessary, and I was pretty angry at him, too. I think we've managed to patch that much up, thankfully, but time will tell.

Anyway, thank you all; I've at least got some things to think about now. Wombat's suggestion is especially appealing, since it will allow my inner passive-aggressive streak to think it's won while still staying entirely within the bounds of cordiality.

[Asherdan]

My wooden nickle's worth:

Wombat just verbalized a process I've used for a while now far better than I could.  And I agree with AugustWest that this skill is one that will serve you well to develop.

Once I put someone on the asshole list, to me their words and actions are only important to me on a goal-achievement level, meaning, are they in the way of something I want/need to do.  It's no longer personal.  What they say doesn't matter and can be met with vague responses and shallow pleasantries.  Your friends comments of it being just his way is bullshit.  They're tolerating someone else's crap and giving him an emotional feedback by playing by his rules, essentially they are pandering to him.  It will be noticed if you depersonalize your interactions with him and your friends will ask you about this.  If you're prepared for that, though, you can manage those conversations in private and preferably one-on-one or in small groups.  This will give you a chance to say your piece about how you feel, but keep it impersonal.  State your reasons and your decision on why you're dealing with it the way you are.  Do not press them for a decision on who's right or wrong.  Don't look for their approval.  This gives you the opportunity to lay your feelings out with the mutual friends framed as a reasoned decision instead of some he said/she said fuckarow after the big blow out.  If they can't respect your choice or try to change your mind or get you to change for the asshole's benefit, you now know who they are choosing, and it ain't you.  You can put them on the asshole list and find some new friends who are dicks just like you.  That usually works out best in the long run.

[Limmo]

Yep, Wombat's right on with this one.  Love your enemies, it will drive them crazy.

However, Paul makes an excellent point.  If you're planning to make a full commitment to this person at some point in the future, you two are going to undergo much greater stressors than this situation.   ( Like the first time you take your baby to the emergency room.  That's a fun one. ) Take a closer look at what happened and why things built to that point.

In the meantime, like a person whose name eludes me for the moment once said: 90% of the art of living consists of getting along with people you can't stand.   Politely tune him out, and by June he will cease to be any kind of factor in your life.  And the psychic jujitsu you develop to deal with one bottle-throwing fucktard will enable you to deal with the others you will inevitably encounter down the line.  

Best of luck.  I'm gonna go argue with Slink about guitars now.

[wombat]

 90% of the art of living consists of getting along with people you can't stand.  

Oh man, this is so terrifyingly true, I should have it tatooed on my hand so I never forget to bring it to work with me.

[AlohaDawg]

V - you gotta suffer the fools sometimes. If you can't change your living situation and he ain't going nowhere you have the option of living proudly or changing your own worldview to accomodate a dick. And you should never accomodate a dick you don't love, so just deal with him as a part of your environment.

This lets you concentrate on what is important, like making decisions about your future, and your relationships, and not concentrate on an irritating fool. Plus, you have a really long time to live, so while living in the now, remember that it's temporary. You are the only thing in your current environment you will have to deal with a year from now, so make you the best you possible. For you.