The OFFICIAL Unofficial Achewood Message Board
Trivial Pursuits => Arts & Entertainment => Topic started by: St_Zartan on July 30, 2005, 03:49:20 am
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The Smoking Gun (http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0725052canada1.html) has a list of dirty, dirty movies that Canadian Customs recently judged either fit or unfit for import. The titles are awesome - what a surprise that the German flicks were almost uniformly Prohibited, but breathe a sigh of relief that Canadians nationwide can enjoy "Str8 Surfer Foot Massage" with a clean conscience - and I'll tell you this right now, free of charge: if I hadn't already picked a user title, you can bet your ass that I'd be known henceforth as Tom "Ropes" McGurk.
TOM "ROPES" MCGURK
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Tom "Ropes" McGurk + Sigmoid Colon = Comedy
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I'm sad that Canada will never understand (like I will likely never understand) the significance of the title "28001 Los! Piss Ab!"
28001 Los can't be wrong.
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Wow, the internet is a small place. I was reading the whole Smoking Gun thing this morning. I then went about my daily business, but at one point I thought back to what I'd read, and started to wonder:
1) Would the job of watching all this porno and other crap be a horrible job, or a fun job. For me it would be a fun job, because I like arguing and I can laugh at almost anything. But then that is probably why I wouldn't be qualified to do it. Nor would I actually want this job. For a day, this job would be sort of funny, but sick shit for too long and something would pop in my grey matter. I watch a news thing about the people who do this job that was on last year, and one of the women said that the worst part of her job is that they actually have to watch each of the videos all the way through, you can't just watch, say "Bare Backing with Jack Surf," and assume it's alright, even if all the movies this guy and this company have put out over the previous years has been totally passable. You have to watch the whole damn thing, special features and all, to make sure nothing, nothing crosses the line. Even the ones they know will be banned they have to watch all the way through because it's not just their job to prohibit things from entering the country, but also to catch and report the illegal acts they see.
Then my mind wandered to the next thought.
2) Why would a DVD series entitled Caviar Royal be banned? I mean I can speculate that Caviar is some code term for... semen, or worse, like shit or something... It's obviously porno, and some of the German secondary titles seem to point to shitting, But what specifically makes it nessisary to prohibit these DVD's? What is the line that these films crossed? Are there grey areas, or do people who work for my govt' sit down and make detailed lists: "Yes, woman shitting on man is permissible, but man eating that shit is not okay." How does it go down? I mean I know it's a comitee from what I've seen on the news, but does it boil down to Janet and John arguing the details? "Oh, come on John, you don't see him actually doing it to her!" "Yes, Janet, but the audio commentary clearly states that he did do it to her..." Then, I remember thinking, while not near a computer, well I could do a search on the internet, but, do I really want to search this, and find out the god awful truth about it.... I decided not to back then, away from my little desk, but now that I'm here I'm curious, but... I dunno, there are some things I don't want to know, or at least see, you know? So no Caviar Royal for me tonight. At least for me, I know the line.
And now I'm starting to think about innocence, and how there is less and less of an opportunity for kids to be innocent. 'Cause I'm sorry, but the internet is a bad, bad place for kids to be, and don't tell me about blockers - not every computer has one, and eventually, eventually, the great majority of 10 yr old North Americans will, before they reach adulthood, will see porno like you could have never seen when you were 10. And kids are so damn curious.
And never mind kids, even us adults don't get to be as innocent about all the dirty seething stuff that goes on in the world. There are people out there are that are so messed up... Gawd.
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When I travel up north to visit Andalucia, maybe, one day, I'm bringing a copy of "Rape Panic Mansion" hidden in my asshole.
Jesus christ, people. Relax The Muscle 2, Angry Young Man 23?
RELAX THE MUSCLE 3?
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I understand that Canada is extremely strict when it comes to male -> female violence. This leads to wrestling having bits removed constantly. Which I don't get. One woman can hit another with a chair, but a man can't do a simple Tombstone.
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You have to watch the whole damn thing, special features and all, to make sure nothing, nothing crosses the line.
Wow. What a harsh way to make a living - just imagine! Gathering your things together at 4:55, looking at your in-tray and knowing that not only do you have an appointment with Tom "Ropes" McGurk at 8 AM bright and early the next morning, but you're going to have to sit through all the previews and special features and probably make a little effort to find all the "easter eggs" just to make sure it's not all good clean fun until some dude gets playfully fisted up to his damn diaphragm at the end of the blooper reel.
Why would a DVD series entitled Caviar Royal be banned? I mean I can speculate that Caviar is some code term for... semen, or worse, like shit or something...
(http://www.mytvitems.com/misc_images/chef_tony.bmp.gif)
The Ultimate Chopper makes delicious spreads and salads in seconds.
When I travel up north to visit Andalucia, maybe, one day, I'm bringing a copy of "Rape Panic Mansion" hidden in my asshole.
Jesus, dude, just set up a .torrent for her and save the room for a nice bottle of wine or something.
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Jesus, dude, just set up a .torrent for her and save the room for a nice bottle of wine or something.
Zart, you're assuming that he can't fit both in there comfortably.
Let's not start making assumptions about the capacity of of Bozack's ass-muling, because that takes the board down a slippery slope in a way I don't think we're all prepared to go.
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I just am wondering what "Rape Panic Mansion"....what....what could it possible be about? I'm imagining some freakish, Lynchian permutation of the movie "Clue."
"I was raped by Miss Scarlet, with the Double Dong, in the Stables!"
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"I was raped by Miss Scarlet, with the Double Dong, in the Stables!"
You don't sound nearly panicked enough.
DECISION: PROHIBITED
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Holy crap. Wouldn't it be great if they were judging by artistic guidelines?
"In 'Rape Panic Mansion,' the cinematography was clunky, the acting wooden, and I just didn't feel like the characters changed at all. PROHIBITED. Now, "Relax the Muscle', THAT had some artistic merit!"
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Holy crap. Wouldn't it be great if they were judging by artistic guidelines?
I want to make a movie called "Rape Panic Mansion" that is more or less exactly like "The Remains of the Day", just to test this theory. I think that actually took place in a mansion.
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TOM "ROPES" MCGURK
I am SO pissed that you found this before I did.
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When I travel up north to visit Andalucia, maybe, one day, I'm bringing a copy of "Rape Panic Mansion" hidden in my asshole.
Jesus christ, people. Relax The Muscle 2, Angry Young Man 23?
RELAX THE MUSCLE 3?
Did anyone else play Manic Mansion back in the day? That is what I thought of. I do not like the idea of it in this context, though.
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2) Why would a DVD series entitled Caviar Royal be banned?
I'm going to be quite honest with you. I think this is about eggs. Lady-eggs. Perhaps as fresh as they come.
I would gladly vote to ban that.
It is impossible to be innocent anymore.