The OFFICIAL Unofficial Achewood Message Board
Achewood => Achewood => Topic started by: Carlos del Vaca on November 01, 2005, 02:26:18 pm
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"in their majestic and far-sweeping wisdom, true falcons will attack children."
PAT YOU SHITCOCK
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Pat is clearly a dick but I'm going to have to agree with him on this one. Children are a menace and must be stopped. Or at least kept a respectful distance from me.
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(http://www.bigfool.com/elizabeth/lizzieducky.jpg)
Hey Cort! Gimmee candy! Gimmee candy! Gimmee candy! Gimmee candy! Gimmee candy! Gimmee candy! Gimmee candy!
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Hey Carlos, Pat you too!
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STAY OFF MY LAWN!
oh, and IT'S MY BASEBALL NOW!
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Hey Cort! Gimmee candy! Gimmee candy! Gimmee candy! Gimmee candy! Gimmee candy! Gimmee candy! Gimmee candy!
adorable.
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Here's what I wonder, on account of working across from the childrens section.
I know that if you hit a small child with a regular adult-voltage tazer, they'd probably die, right?
Well what if you made a child-voltage tazer?
I think it would sell like hotcakes. Think about it! Your kid starts acting up in a restaurant- ZAP! They're out for like 40 minutes, and they wake up with no memory of the incident!
"Daddy, what happened?"
"Well, Tommy, I guess you were being a bad boy and God decided to make you die for a while. Better not scream next time we're in a restaurant, or it could be the big one!"
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Genious million dollar idea
I will buy 10 of those right now.
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Genious million dollar idea
I will buy 10 of those right now.
For the 'God made you die' explanation as much as for the jailarity inducing electrocuting of children.
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"Daddy, what happened?"
"Well, Tommy, I guess you were being a bad boy and God decided to make you die for a while. Better not scream next time we're in a restaurant, or it could be the big one!"
I love when the posts are funnier than anything the strips or the blogs produce.
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"Daddy, what happened?"
"Well, Tommy, I guess you were being a bad boy and God decided to make you die for a while. Better not scream next time we're in a restaurant, or it could be the big one!"
I love when the posts are funnier than anything the strips or the blogs produce.
I think it's a testiment to mankind's worth as a species.
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Philippe really needs to stop trying to be a caregiver. What happened with French Fry? Rollerskating accident. Click *****? Almost killed and now Philippe's mortal enemy. Flower? Knocked Up. And now Franky's mom, murdered.
Hey Philippe, here's an idea: Maybe go home before piano fall on you!
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Hey Philippe, here's an idea: Maybe go home before piano fall on you!
heh, that almost makes up for Philippe's stomach-wrenching update. It is the saddest thing, hands down, forever.
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It is the saddest thing, hands down, forever.
Until we find out what happens to the baby bird.
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So, Beef goes to a yarn store.
I thought cats liked yarn.
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So, Beef goes to a yarn store.
I thought cats liked yarn.
THAT IS THE JOKE! HAR!
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Uh huh so it seems a thing, based on my research, is that younger ladies are all into knitting now. It is like sort of a backlash or something, after all that 80s and 90s stuff where a lady had to prove that she was also a man.
I have also noticed this.
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a lot of books and magazines with really beautiful young models on the cover, but they were wearin' just the dowdiest old knitted ponchos and shawls you would not believe. It was like, if you wanted to have a picture of a beautiful girl looking halfway believable, the first thing you would do would be to take off the dowdy shawl and go "oh, sorry, man why did I even think that was believable. Because it was not."
I've seen this book and had the exact same thought as Beef. No way would these hot girls be wearing these old lady with a sassy foot sweaters.
~Paul
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a lot of books and magazines with really beautiful young models on the cover, but they were wearin' just the dowdiest old knitted ponchos and shawls you would not believe. It was like, if you wanted to have a picture of a beautiful girl looking halfway believable, the first thing you would do would be to take off the dowdy shawl and go "oh, sorry, man why did I even think that was believable. Because it was not."
I've seen this book and had the exact same thought as Beef. No way would these hot girls be wearing these old lady with a sassy foot sweaters.
~Paul
Remember Harriet Miers? (http://harrietmiers.blogspot.com/2005/10/you-knit-what.html)*
*not really her
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Sass foot. I have never seen this disability, but what an awesome term. And Beef explains it like he's terrified but also completely rapt over it. I was laughing. Sass foot.
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Beef's post about the Yarn Store (much like the Bead Store strip) is so true because a lot of niche hobby shops - especially the small ones tucked away in aging strip malls and shopping plazas - tend to have this atmosphere of quiet boredom, a muffled quality about them. And it's not just beads and yarn, I know of shops devoted to everything from models (cars, boats, aircraft, trains, etc) and art supples where this atmosphere prevades.
I have been in the awkward position of visiting The Bead/Yarn Store myself, trying to pass the time by leafing through the hobby-specific publications available and whatnot. In one case, it was a shop that sold people's homemade arts and crafts, located in a mall between an nail salon and a long empty, blacked out storefront with the big FOR LEASE signs on the windows. All sorts of decorative knickknacks, the sort of thing you buy for your grandmother and she'll think it's just SO darling. I found myself perusing sewing magazines, a flimsy trade paperback all about the making of quaint holiday decorations out of stuff like pinecones, old ribbons, buttons, lace, etc. At one point I checked my watch to see how long it had been since we entered. It had been a half-hour when it felt like an hour-plus.
On the bright side, we did pick up a jar of homemade root-beer candy.
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And it's not just beads and yarn, I know of shops devoted to everything from models (cars, boats, aircraft, trains, etc) and art supples where this atmosphere prevades.
I live above a store that sells only model cars. Every day, I walk past it and the old man who owns it just sits there staring out at me, staring out at the world who does not understand his passion. Someday I will buy a tiny car from him.
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And it's not just beads and yarn, I know of shops devoted to everything from models (cars, boats, aircraft, trains, etc) and art supples where this atmosphere prevades.
I live above a store that sells only model cars. Every day, I walk past it and the old man who owns it just sits there staring out at me, staring out at the world who does not understand his passion. Someday I will buy a tiny car from him.
I love stores like this. Every time I go home, I have to stop by the local independent hobby shop, which has a truly majestic selection of very, very old roleplaying sourcebooks that have clearly been waiting for a purchaser for well over a decade. (Often I buy them. I think of it as charity, although also "hey, holy crap, is that Traveller?! SCORE.")
I spent a lot of time as a kid in the model store with my dad, so I guess I just have a natural attraction to narrow-aisled, cluttery stores staffed by old people and full of aging merchandise waiting for its soulmate.
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And it's not just beads and yarn, I know of shops devoted to everything from models (cars, boats, aircraft, trains, etc) and art supples where this atmosphere prevades.
I live above a store that sells only model cars. Every day, I walk past it and the old man who owns it just sits there staring out at me, staring out at the world who does not understand his passion. Someday I will buy a tiny car from him.
I love stores like this. Every time I go home, I have to stop by the local independent hobby shop, which has a truly majestic selection of very, very old roleplaying sourcebooks that have clearly been waiting for a purchaser for well over a decade. (Often I buy them. I think of it as charity, although also "hey, holy crap, is that Traveller?! SCORE.")
Hey, I think Ihave some Traveller stuff around here somewhere.
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I live above a store that sells only model cars. Every day, I walk past it and the old man who owns it just sits there staring out at me, staring out at the world who does not understand his passion. Someday I will buy a tiny car from him.
Have you been reading Palookaville lately by any chance?
~Paul
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I, feeling some sense of interim duty, took up her post. For the better part of half an hour I stood and described the leaden, unpleasant qualities of the Soulsa product, and encouraged customers to look elsewhere for their salsa needs.
Outstanding.
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Now I want some imported gummi Shinto gates. Also, this one wins:
Amy's Organic One-Bean Soup (finally, a company that isn't trying to appeal to my baser instincts with an overwhelming variety of beans)
What possible base instincts could be appealed to merely by bean variety? I'm deeply confused.
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What possible base instincts could be appealed to merely by bean variety?
I've known people like this. God forbid they risk getting any sensual pleasure whatsover out of their food. Even indulging in more than one kind of bean at a time might cross the line. Perfect.
But I want the gummi Shinto gates too!
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There's a definite lack of gummi religious iconography in my life as well. Is this a real store?
Franky learned how to grow feathers. I want to learn that. Is there a book I can read or a community college class or something?
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It's a real store, right down to the disturbing animatronic display, but it's not all as vegan-focused as Pat's blog makes it sound.
I don't remember seeing many free-sample tables there, but Onstad has mentioned them before (http://chrisonstad.blogspot.com/2005/06/salad-dressing-man.html), so I guess Mollie Stone's just has more of that these days. They have a pretty nice cheese selection too.
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I don't know why but I have a feeling the free sample lady may have been Molly herself. Myabe I've just started to associate apparently random emotional breakdowns in the acheverse with Molly.
The Bean line does indeed win, as does sitting there for half an hour telling everyone how bad a product is. Now we see where Pat's hatred of the free sample people comes from, it is envy, he wishes to be the one dispensing snack related wisdom to the masses.
I'm still waiting for something truly horrible to happen to/because of that bird.
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Don't wait for something horrible to happen to Franky. Take joy in the time him and Philipe are sharing. Pretty adorable. Baby animals, man, baby animals.
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Baby animals who are due for a ride in..... the rollerskate!
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I don't know why but I have a feeling the free sample lady may have been Molly herself. Myabe I've just started to associate apparently random emotional breakdowns in the acheverse with Molly.
This just made me realize that I, instead, imagined a butch human woman. I think actually all the characters in the blogs are usually human in my head as default, unless otherwise described by the author. Today, my imagination died.
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Who knows, maybe things will go alright with Franky and Phillipe.
I really do hope so.
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Who knows, maybe things will go alright with Franky and Phillipe.
I really do hope so.
You really don't get Achewood do you.
~Paul
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Who knows, maybe things will go alright with Franky and Phillipe.
I really do hope so.
You really don't get Achewood do you.
~Paul
Eh, I agree with him. If this arc is just yet another "Philippe's ignorance leads to death and/or his own extreme suffering" arc, I'm going to be disappointed. If I may use repulsive internet slang, this shit is old meme.
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Yeah maybe it will be like that Andy Griffith Show ep, where Opie killed a mother bird outside his window with his air rifle and he ended up taking successful care of the babies as a way of taking responsibility for his foolish action.
Except in this case it's just one baby bird and Phillipe was trying to be helpful, and not firing pellets at birds.
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While I agree the horrible suffering is the only outcome thing wouldn't be an original ending that doesn't mean it wouldn't be a good ending. To use a slightly dodgy analogy most musicians don't actually do anything new they just refine and build on what has come before. One day Onstad will give us the ultimate story of Phillipe horror and suffering and there shall be much rejoicing.
In any case I honestly don't think this can end well. I don't think happy endings happen in the Achewood universe. At best we don't hear anything about the bird for a couple of weeks and then Lyle posts about a fucked up smell coming from behind the fridge.
Anyway I'm not sure your comparison holds LCB since Phillipe is morally pure and does not need to be taught a lesson about responsibility. If anything he needs to be taught a lesson about the horror that is life. Which basically brings us up to date.
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So, Nice Pete's party did not go so well.
Yikes. At least he restricted himself to indecent exposure.
Perhaps he should see if PublishAmerica will print his book. (The joke being they'll print anything.)
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Cheatloaf, huh? Nope, think I'll pass.
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I decided to see how much of Pat's assholery is just assumed on our parts and I fear to say I actually made it through the first paragraph thinking 'yeah I guess I could see myself writing in a tone similar to this'. The internet makes it impossible to convey tone exactly thus we all run the risk of being seen as Pat by others.
To re-approach the topic though: Does Onstad make up these words or are there actual people who speak like Pat does about vegan food. I'm thinking specifically of 'vegetal' at the moment.
"Show them that what they enjoy is wrong, and that it needs to be changed." This is a view held by more people than would like to admit it I think.
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"Show them that what they enjoy is wrong, and that it needs to be changed." This is a view held by more people than would like to admit it I think.
I've certainly encountered this moving toward the edges of both the right and the left.
And yes, go into your local purveyor of expensive and bad tasting fake meat food and check out the names of the products. Some do carry a certain smirky tongue-in-cheek flip-the-bird-at-the meat-eating-world kind of sensitivity. There really is such a thing as Tofurkey (http://www.tofurkey.com/products/tofurkyfeasts.htm).
(Andalucia and some others of you already know this).
Interestingly, the product name has no 'E' in it but the URL for it does.
I added the 'E' out of logic and also my innate meat-eating arrogance.
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The first thing *I* think about when I see "Cheatloaf" is Homestar Runner, personally. But of course Pat would know nothing about that.
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The first thing *I* think about when I see "Cheatloaf" is Homestar Runner, personally. But of course Pat would know nothing about that.
No, I imagine he does not. I'm sure if he came across Homestar, he'd start frothing at the waste of talent and bandwidth that could be better used to support, well, Pat himself.
And I bet he would literally be frothing, too, his rage making him unable to say anything other than high-pitched sqeeks (like a balloon), jumping up and down, throwing furniture, foaming at the mouth all the while. Not because of meat products, too.
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Wouldn't the H*R version be "The Cheatloaf"?
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And I bet he would literally be frothing, too, his rage making him unable to say anything other than high-pitched sqeeks (like a balloon), jumping up and down, throwing furniture, foaming at the mouth all the while. Not because of meat products, too.
It's a good thing Pat is vegan, because considering the fits he most certainly has so frequently, adding cholesterol to the mix would probably prove to be fatal.
And Nice Pete typed "erect c*ck". Hurrah.
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Wouldn't the H*R version be "The Cheatloaf"?
Yeah, good call.
Pat's blog almost tipped into outrage. I know that someone sent a letter to Ray about meat plus-stitutes (http://www.achewood.com/raysplace.php?date=06152004&allnav=) , but dang. I would feel like Onstad is on major backlash against all vegans but for Pat's pro-business attitude. I like the continuing developement of Pat as a crazy, bitter, joyless fascist. But it seems like 'Stad is out for the blood of herbivores.
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Nice Pete's going to visit the publishers that didn't come to his Halloween party. That should make for some interesting "conversation".
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I imagine Nice Pete could end a job interview the same way, if he wanted.
It's probably real effective in lots of situations.
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I'm glad nice Pete didn't go all out in describing what Taking involves. I like there to be a little mystery there. His reasoning for not Taking them was also enjoyable to me.
Also more power to him that he can acheive a voluntary erection under such pressure.
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As has been noted, Pat seems to be a vegan mostly for sheer "holier-than-thou"-ness. But Pat has his kin amognst the meat eaters, be it the sniffy hipster at a chic little Italian/Jamican fusion restaraunt that seats 20 who will take out his nagging fury on some hapless waiter when a meal fails to meet his anal retentive conditions, or a slob who proceeds to chew out some pimply 19 year old at the Burger Shack and demand loudly to speak with a manager because the pickles were placed under the patty instead of on top, even though he only has 15 minutets to get back to work.
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Also more power to him that he can acheive a voluntary erection under such pressure.
I, too, was impressed (terrified) at Nice Pete's unusual ability. Nothing scares off, well, pretty much anyone like a guy in a Dracula costume with an inappropriate boner.
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I'm thinking even a relatively appropriate one can do the same job.
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Dammit, why couldn't I have invented PhunkyListMaker template. Now Ray will be even richer.
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1. my new Palm Tungsten E2
2. 2 years of interest-free financing at Best Buy
3. the ability to make morgage payments
4. Dora the Explorer DVDs
5. the big goofy grin on my 3-month-old
PhunkyListMaker template © 2005 Ray Smuckles
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1. kid
2. wife
3. house
4. car
5. still breathing
PhunkyListMaker template © 2005 Ray Smuckles
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1. My new Palm T|X
2. Motorola v360 Camera Phone
3. The ability to pair these devices to send photos over the internet from anywhere there's a cell phone signal.
4. A good friend in for a visit before he gets married.
5. Emailing photos of him fuck*ng two hookers at his bachelor party to his bride-to-be: Priceless.
For everything else, there's:
PhunkyListMaker template © 2005 Ray Smuckles
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1. The delirious scent of a young woman's soft skin.
2. King Sized Beds (Big enough for a picnic!)
3. Coffee
4. Liquor
5. Water (after all that Coffee and liquor)
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1. spouse
2. dog
3. not having to drive to Baltimore for work anymore
4. chocolate coming in the mail today
5. Jough's vivid and evil imaginary stories. And all the rest of you fictional characters out there on the internet for my amusement, too.
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1. no type 2 diabetes, yet
2. no failed courses, yet
3. certain people
That's all.
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1. Tetrahydrocannabinol
2. Ethanol
3. Lamotrigine
4. Bupropion
5. My loving friends and family
PhunkyListMaker template © 2005 Ray Smuckles
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1. My family
2. My continued reasonably good health
3. Good books
4. My friends, especially those on this board
5. Good food
6. Booze
7. Fluoxetine HCL
PhunkyListMaker template © 2005 Ray Smuckles
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1. My loved ones
2. That the Red Sox won a World Series in my lifetime
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Am I the only one who find the idea of Lyle getting into a turf battle with rival Vietnamese golf ball collectors kinda funny? I used to do something like that. Ballcollecting, and selling. Not the getting into fights with rivals part. I used to live not far from a driving range and a few locals managed to make, if not "fat ass bank" then at least some decent pocket money.
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1. The 9-month old's squeal everytime she sees me
2. The tiny 9/10 of the way to sleep "I love you Daddy" from the 6 year old
3. The six year old's cast being sufficient for her broken elbow, so no surgery
4. The love of my family and friends
5. My innate ability to justify living in Hawaii and looking for a great job over moving to the midwest and looking for merely a good one
For everything else, there's Mastercard ©
PhunkyListMaker template © 2005 Ray Smuckles
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1. Leather
2. Talking to people in Washington
3. Law
4. The Colbert Report
5. Kwanzaa Parties
PhunkyListMaker template © 2005 Ray Smuckles
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1. My brain's continued functionality (thank you, hippocampal neurogenesis!)
2. An astonishing array of loved ones and friends
3. Really good used bookstores
4. A certain level of robust mental wellness that gets me through the day, most days
5. The faint, shining hope of graduate school
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1. That I am attending the college of my dreams (Smith!), where I am not derided because I study for fun
2. My splendiforous SO
3. My grandmother's speedy recovery from a recent injury
4. My adorable cat
5. The newfound appreciation I have for Virginia, after having been away for three months
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I didn't know Northampton was where serious men eat snow and throw cats at walls.
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Oh, but it is.
Curiously, it is also where burly women eat Cheatloaf and protest the throwing of cats at walls.
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1. My Lady
2. Basically falling into a much needed summer project that is leading onto an honours year.
3. having just enough money saved for christmas that I don't absolutely have to get a job as well work on my project.
4. "Dash this thought to the ground. The option is yours!" and "(I put a cooked spaghetti noodle on the floor and wear a sailor's hat)"
5. My faint yet constant aura of egotistical elitism. Or mario kart ds, either one.
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1. Family
2. Still a roof over my head despite threatened cardboard box under bridge
3. iBook
4. Constant music; there is absolutely never enough from which I am glad... unless it all turns to mainstream crap at some point, but I have hiiiigh hopes
5. Reading material always nearby; favourite passages can be read at any point anytime!
PhunkyListMaker template © 2005 Ray Smuckles
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it is also where burly women eat Cheatloaf and protest the throwing of cats at walls.
Well, that much I already knew.
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I thought the link to Ray's blog update said "Ray's mom lays on the quilt."
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Apparently Ray and I have the exact same discussions with our mothers. And I say this even though my mom just went into the hospital today suffering from several strokes. (Despite the viewpoint of this I do not say this for sympathy reasons, just because it boggles my mind.. the woman is only 47)
Anyway, even in these dire of times my mom and I have almost the same conversations....
"So, how's it going?"
"Are you drinking?"
"A little.. it's been a rough week.. I crashed my car yesterday and you had a couple strokes this morning..."
"At least tell me it's just beer."
"It's just beer"
"You're lying"
"yeah.. a little.. hey should I visit later?"
"Not right now.. I have friends coming up here, I gotta go"
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(Transcribed from earlier this evening)
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Hey michael crichton, who's who in that dialog?
The vomit sequence in Ray's blog update is awesome. I like how he engineers this perfect situation that ends up collapsing but not really doing anything to the conversation.
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Hey michael crichton, who's who in that dialog?.
You talking to me? (/DeNiro)
I think it was made clear by the stroke line but, okay... I'm uh.. the first one.
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I like it when we get a little bonus for reading the blogs in the right order such as the one from Beef and Chris today.
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I think I'm gonna steal Beef's xmas request.
Mmm, steak and eggs.
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Top-bear...... hahahahhaahhaaaaa No love for the bottom-bears this season?
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About to have a dream about DeNiro was the best laugh I've had all week.
But Beef saying, "It's not too costly, I only want it once," is very depressing.
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LN newest entry is ridiculous with the funny.
I mean "hot flavor sugar coffee"
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LN newest entry is ridiculous with the funny.
Agreed. My favourite: "mad pics o' mah joint cold floating at or near the surface of hot tub water" -- because regardless of where it's floating, his "sweet pecka'" brings the heat.
Edit: Crap. I lose.
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I...uh...I started a December blogs thread.
Is...are you Lyle?
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LN's blog cold brings tha madd stylzzz. It's the best crazy meta-dialect since Todd and Blister.
edit: December already! I am sorry.