The OFFICIAL Unofficial Achewood Message Board
Achewood => Achewood => Topic started by: Drastic Action on March 02, 2006, 08:54:09 am
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http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03022006 (http://achewood.com/index.php?date=03022006)
What a gloriously understated tent. I wonder how they knew he was coming alone? That most certainly isn't enough for an army there.
And no-doz? Did one of the coordinators just buy it on the company tab, or is there some actually point to that?
Also, how many pounds of turkey were bought? That reciept isn't complete.
And is that spoon a plastic spoon? They couldn't even give him real silverware, let alone a fork?
So many questions. Not that most of them matter, but this is strange.
No.. It's a spork. Wow. They know how to throw a party.
edit: Oh, and that's how I've always written dates. Not sure if that's a big deal, but some people seem to be picky about that thing.
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It's a spork, dude. It's the best parts of both a spoon and a fork.
Well, this one seems a bit... unfinished?
Maybe Onstad will add more later in the day.
Otherwise, well, I guess it's better than WE RETURN MONDAY
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Also, how many pounds of turkey were bought? That reciept isn't complete.
Well, I did a little Boolean Algebra and let's see (carry the 4...plus 11), the turkey comes out to 8.5 pounds, roughly the size of a newborn baby.
Speaking of which, Ray totally looks like he's coming out of the womb in the second panel. I'm pretty sure actually that this is an accurate rendering of the doctor's view in the delivery room on that fateful day. Ray was most definitely born wearing at least the glasses.
Notice also that the spork does not appear on the receipt. This is a leftover spork from last year's feast, and the feast from the year before, etc. Pine Box Pyrell ate from this spork and Rufus, making the most of his privacy, used it to comb his hair in 1971.
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And when Ray was born he was immediately treated to brandy and an 8.5 pound turkey.
Everyone agreed beforehand that alcoholism and overeating is rad.
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Excellent. The "feast" is a an 8 pound turkey and an 11 dollar brandy from Safeway.
I wonder what other legends about the GOF get undo grandois recollect.
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It is worth noting that "flup" is precisely the sound a heavy canvas tent flap makes when it's opened like that.
A heavy canvas tent like that could be someplace where you could cold have an epiphany. Or maybe even an expository monologue.
Also, I like the strip with the cartoon cats and alive stuffed animals.
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Safeway turkey isn't bad, although the eleven dollar brandy might cause Ray to channel Rodney Leonard Stubbs permanently
But wait? Will Ray sneak Beef in to share in the repast? GREAT OUTDOOR FIGHT COVERAGE RETURNS MONDAY, BITCH
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There are no side dishes. Thank you.
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Well, I did a little Boolean Algebra and let's see (carry the 4...plus 11), the turkey comes out to 8.5 pounds, roughly the size of a newborn baby.
Speaking of which, Ray totally looks like he's coming out of the womb in the second panel. I'm pretty sure actually that this is an accurate rendering of the doctor's view in the delivery room on that fateful day. Ray was most definitely born wearing at least the glasses.
Shit be good on this fine day.
Twenty four hours alone in that tent and I'd even have polished off the spork. Basically like heaven. Probably a big advantage to be the only person to have eaten in three days. But maybe not, because if I didn't eat in three days, I'd be ready to cold tear a man's thigh off.
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Its a good thing there's that much turkey given he gets the full bottle of brandy. Needs something to soak it up with or he'd be making pickles in the sheets all the third day.
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Not much to say here, except the tent looks like an Outhouse in panel one (or a Port-a-Potty ((I accidentally almost typed Port-a-Pooty, which, is kind of funnier))).
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Remember story problems?
Ray Smuckles is treated to a feast after a hard day of ripping off faces and breaking backs. It includes a bottle of brandy that cost $10.99, a packet of No-Doz at $6.99, and some roasted turkey that rang in at $1.29/lb. If the feast costs a total of $28.95, how many pounds of roasted turkey was Ray treated to? Please, no calculators and show all work.
When I woke up this morning, I did this problem immediately for some reason. And I hate math.
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The turkey is stuffed with No-Doz instead of bread-product. Lest the tryptophan make Ray feel a bit nappish.
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Remember story problems?
Ray Smuckles is treated to a feast after a hard day of ripping off faces and breaking backs. It includes a bottle of brandy that cost $10.99, a packet of No-Doz at $6.99, and some roasted turkey that rang in at $1.29/lb. If the feast costs a total of $28.95, how many pounds of roasted turkey was Ray treated to? Please, no calculators and show all work.
When I woke up this morning, I did this problem immediately for some reason. And I hate math.
The image of a GOF-based elementary-school math worksheet fills me with delight. We could even expand it to elementary physics: "The Toronto Man Machine, weighing 6.2 kg, is running east at approximately 25 m/s when Furious Jacob Forsyth, weighing 4.7 kg and running north at 32 m/s, collides with him. Find their final velocity and the direction of their combined motion. Assume a perfectly elastic collision and that neither cat loses mass from the resulting face-ripping."
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Something tells me the utter classlessness of the repast and ambiencelessness of the environs will enrage Ray far more than 2,999 dudes trying to kill him.
The only way you could get Ray more riled up than by giving him Safeway turkey and cheap brandy would be to insult his mama.
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I keep thinking that maybe the 2nd-day feast used to be a lot more opulent. Maybe the GOF has fallen on hard times and can't afford the hero's banquet that army leaders deserve. If Ray had had to share the feast with that cowboy dude, there would have been much fighting over the turkey.
I mean, the snack bar can't pull in that much money, since there's no live audience, and there aren't any TV revenues. Who funds this madness? WHO IS THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN?!?!?
EDIT: It is early. I am a goofball.
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Something tells me the utter classlessness of the repast and ambiencelessness of the environs will enrage Ray far more than 2,999 dudes trying to kill him.
The only way you could get Ray more riled up than by giving him Safeway turkey and cheap brandy would be to insult his mama.
I don't know about that-- this is the man, after all, who keeps Boston Market on his speed dial, and who would love to eat nachos for every meal of the day.
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The image of a GOF-based elementary-school math worksheet fills me with delight. We could even expand it to elementary physics: "The Toronto Man Machine, weighing 6.2 kg, is running east at approximately 25 m/s when Furious Jacob Forsyth, weighing 4.7 kg and running north at 32 m/s, collides with him. Find their final velocity and the direction of their combined motion. Assume a perfectly elastic collision and that neither cat loses mass from the resulting face-ripping."
I had a Physics teacher who used this method to get me interested in the subject. I couldn't give a flying cow over the moon for the stuff until he asked me this question (I'm paraphrasing, it has been a bit of a while):
"Johnny is a football player for his local high school who weighs 250 lbs. He's crossing the road and doesn't look both ways when an 18-wheeler collides with him. If the 18-wheeler weighs 80,000 lbs and is travelling at 75 mph, how far will Johnny be thrown if he's hit head on. Ignore real world applications such as wind speed and drag but account for gravity."
I remember distinctly when he asked this in class and we were supposed to be working it out on our paper in front of us. My eyes sparkled. Finally I got to run over a football player in my dreams FOR CREDIT.
I raised my hand hurriedly.
"Yes Mr. Q (only my real last name, not Q)?"
"Are we to assume he stays in one piece or should we calculate per organ the distance each would fly based upon mass and proximity to site of impact?"
He looked at me and said, "You're an odd duck Mr. Q; let's just assume he stays in one piece okay?"
Thank you Mr. Calcaterra if you ever run across this; you made me enjoy math. (Though it didn't make me any better at it, I appreciate it.)
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Man this GOF story is so awesome it's even brought Keef out of the woodwork. Keef!!! Dude you hadn't posted in like 12 years. What's next, Furious J?
~Paul
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as someone who has worked at safeway for the last 6 years, i've gotta say that it was a little funny to see the "s" in today's strip.
kind of like when i'm watching tv and i see safeway-branded merchandise in characters' kitchens.
other than that, today's strip will obviously be better in book form.
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Somebody must have gone several hours out of their way to get this meal considering there are no Safeways in Bakersfield (looks like there used to be one) ... I don't know if there are even any left in California for that matter. Perhaps Safeway is an affilate of the GOF from long ago in the before time and they are still providing the catering?
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there are no Safeways in Bakersfield (looks like there used to be one) ... I don't know if there are even any left in California for that matter.
Now this is what I call a promising n00b.
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Man, what? That meal is not fit for the meanest bums in Camden. Like many others, I am intrigued: is this an ironic flipside of the supposed banquet organised by the.. organisers? Is the 'banquet' merely an exaggeration of the truth? Or can they simply not afford Ray's tremendous appetite?
Speculations on a postcard.
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Remember story problems?
Ray Smuckles is treated to a feast after a hard day of ripping off faces and breaking backs. It includes a bottle of brandy that cost $10.99, a packet of No-Doz at $6.99, and some roasted turkey that rang in at $1.29/lb. If the feast costs a total of $28.95, how many pounds of roasted turkey was Ray treated to? Please, no calculators and show all work.
Ray's LDL cholesterol level at the start the Safeway feast (assume 12 PM) is 145 mg/dL. At 12:30 his LDL cholesterol level is 155 mg/dL. What is our best prediction for his cholesterol level at 4 PM?
Let L(t) = LDL cholesterol level at time t (t hours after noon). Form the tanget line at t = 0.
L'(0) = L(0 + change in t) - L(0)/change in t
The formula for the tangent line at t = 0 is:
y = L'(0)(t - 0) + L(0)
GOOD LUCK.
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This arc won't stop playing with our expectations. When we thought Ray would make his way through the GOF by giving out Hummers he starts ripping faces. And when I was picturing the 2nd Day Feast as something like that KISS video for Lick It Up we are presented with that depressing tent. Life is good.
Notice also that the spork does not appear on the receipt. This is a leftover spork from last year's feast, and the feast from the year before, etc. Pine Box Pyrell ate from this spork and Rufus, making the most of his privacy, used it to comb his hair in 1971.
Ain't no way a true champion would leave a spork behind when he could bring it back to the fight and use it as a weapon. That thing could at least gouge an eye or two.
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I don't know about that-- this is the man, after all, who keeps Boston Market on his speed dial, and who would love to eat nachos for every meal of the day.
At least Boston Market has side dishes, none of which, as far as I can recall, are No-Doz.
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The fight is a bunch of dudes who think 3 dollars is a good price for wine, according to one of the alt texts. I think a Safeway turkey and some bad brandy upholds the spirit of the fight perfectly.
Second, why would the spork be on the receipt? What kind of store charges for plastic utensils?
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When we thought Ray would make his way through the GOF by giving out Hummers...
Dang, dude, you were the only one thinking that. Ray don't swing from that side of the plate!
Or were you talking about the cars?
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Dang, dude, you were the only one thinking that. Ray don't swing from that side of the plate!
Or were you talking about the cars?
AW F*CK when am I gonna learn to search Urban Dictionary before typing anything on this board.
Yeah, I was thinking about the wheels. (http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07122004) But thanks for updating my vocabulary, C.
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AW F*CK when am I gonna learn to search Urban Dictionary before typing anything on this board.
Yeah, I was thinking about the wheels. (http://achewood.com/index.php?date=07122004) But thanks for updating my vocabulary, C.
Sex Education.
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Did the first-person views of the contents of the tent give anyone else the feeling they were in a RPG like Kings Quest?
\\You enter the tent
\look Around.
\\Inside the dimly lit tent there is a flimsy card table and a single chair. On top of the table there is a SafeWay Roast Turkey, a bottle of cheap brandy and a spork. On the floor, there lies a piece of paper.
\look at the paper
\\It is a receipt from Safeway. Good Deal on Turkey!
\Fuck Turkey
\\I don't think that's what it is for...
P.S Thanks for the tiny can of DP, whom ever it was that bestowed it.
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I just woke up from a four hour nap in which I actually dreamt about eating a whole Boston Market turkey with a spork. The food was distributed from a U-boat (like a wherehouse shopping cart) and I was disapointed to find that I was to go without mashed potatoes while some chick got one of those styrofoam containers the size of a bowl, full of potatoes and gravy. I proceded to eat it on a desk outside of my third grade teacher's class (Ms. DiGruccio) while accompanied by an old friend who I see maybe three times every two months.
Later, I played a video game that was like a sequel of Mario 64 in an oddly lit room. The game was pretty detailed, I played only one level repeatedly, but it was a pretty diverse level. One area of the level involved skiing along water in a gondola and somehow that segued into me effing around with these thin metal skis that traversed carpet like a snowboard, indoors. I have never before skied or snowboarded. Then my alarm rang and I snooze alarmed for two hours until Dire Strait's "Money For Nothing" came on. I had to listen to it because I haven't heard it in like a year.
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mann.
so, I signed up to help the local newspaper with this online thing.
it's like... a collecter of RSS feeds. and I put achewood on there.
and these classmates of mine are sitting there staring at me
and the charlotte observer guy keeps asking for more detail, for some reason. "is it just a few characters? is it in any newspapers? what is it about, in general?"
and this lady is just taking furious notes
and I really really wanted to say it was about a cat who rips people's faces off, and then eats safeway turkeys.
but I didn't.
and I'm just imagining getting the next issue of Southpark Magazine (it's a magazine basically based on a rich area of charlotte. I dont know what it's ever about... but southpark is "that rich neighborhood with the nice mall". the magazine is owned by the same company as the newspaper) and having a picture of me, and a comment about being obsessed with an online comic about alive stuffed animals.
also: tryptophan in turkey is a myth. the amount actually present wouldn't have any effect on your sleeping. the reason you sleep after eating thanksgiving dinner is that you just ate a huge amount of very filling food.
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Somebody must have gone several hours out of their way to get this meal considering there are no Safeways in Bakersfield (looks like there used to be one) ... I don't know if there are even any left in California for that matter. Perhaps Safeway is an affilate of the GOF from long ago in the before time and they are still providing the catering?
there are no Safeways in California, true... but the Safeway company owns Vons in Southern California and Nevada, Carrs in Alaska, Genuardi's in Philadelphia, and Randall's/Tom Thumb in Texas. While most of the stores are under their previously-known name, I think that some do use the Safeway name.
education.
incidentally, there are seven Vons stores in bakersfield, california
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also: tryptophan in turkey is a myth. the amount actually present wouldn't have any effect on your sleeping. the reason you sleep after eating thanksgiving dinner is that you just ate a huge amount of very filling food.
If you eat your weight in buttered foodstuffs you're going to feel a bit nappish. Turkey or no turkey.
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there are no Safeways in California, true... but the Safeway company owns Vons in Southern California and Nevada, Carrs in Alaska, Genuardi's in Philadelphia, and Randall's/Tom Thumb in Texas. While most of the stores are under their previously-known name, I think that some do use the Safeway name.
education.
incidentally, there are seven Vons stores in bakersfield, california
There are indeed Safeways in California, although there are many more Vons stores. I live in San Diego, before anyone asks.
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There used to be Safeway in Texas, Houston at least. Suddenly they turned into Appletree, then just as suddenly went out of business. The one I infrequently shopped at is now a 24 hour fitness that I also infrequently use.
~Paul
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I live in new jersey, and I've never seen a safeway. I just assumed it was some kind of convenience store with a name that does not make me want to buy turkeys. Basically, if you can buy medicine at a given store, you might think twice about their culinary focus.
I'd be surprised if he even eats it, actually.
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There are indeed Safeways in California, although there are many more Vons stores. I live in San Diego, before anyone asks.
Where are these Safeways located ? I'd like to know their going rate on a pound of turkey ....
According to wikipedia, the last ones in CA were in Fresno and had been bought out in the mid 90's. And we all know wikipedia is never wrong.
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There are indeed Safeways in California, although there are many more Vons stores. I live in San Diego, before anyone asks.
There were Safeways in San Diego in the 70s up until the early 80s if I can remember correctly. I know there are still Safeways in SF.
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There's a bunch in the DC area but I've never seen turkey in that form, just chicken. But maybe I just don't look hard enough
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Genuardi's in the Philly area used to be awesome - they were family owned and had a great produce department, good meats, specialty items like dried porccini mushrooms, etc.
Then they got bought out by Safeway and immediately sucked. Everything that was good about them died that day, my friends. Died died died.
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There might be a Safeway in the Underground, though.
I'm not sure how extensive an underground there'd be for Bakersfield, but whatever. Most of the restaurants that Beef and Molly say they go to in the blogs don't exist at all, so I figure Chris just makes stuff up and throws in a few real restaurants based on what works. It was artistically significant to have the Turkey be from Safeway. ::nods importantly::
It seems like eating turkey with a spork would be kind of difficult. Maybe if you had a knife too.
Also the No-Doz indicates that there is no sleeping allowed over the course of the three days. Everyone goes insaaaannnne.
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No one has mentioned the fact that there isn't any No Doze in the tent. Was the No Doze intened for Ray? Was the reciept just a discard from the delivery or was it meant for Ray to see it? No Doze will keep you awake, but you'll be too jittery to be very effective. I can't believe how great this story is. Dare I say it, it's Wil Eisner great.
~Paul
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Paul, people did mention that the bird is likely stuffed with the No-Doz.
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Paul, people did mention that the bird is likely stuffed with the No-Doz.
Yes, yes they did. I overlooked that part. I'm not convinced, but it could be the case. Still, i'm on the edge of my seat awaiting what happens next. I'm on the edge of the seat.
~Paul
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Where are these Safeways located ? I'd like to know their going rate on a pound of turkey ....
There are a ton of Safeways in the South Bay area (San Jose, Silicon Valley). The only competition seems to be Albertsons. On a more related note I was in Bakersfield briefly last weekend and am very disappointed that I missed the GOF.
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The turkey cannot possibly be No-Doz-stuffed, at least by GOF staff, as its hygienic anti-tampering paper strip seal is still intact. I imagine that had it been purchased prestuffed it would be listed as Roast Turkey (No-Doz Stfng) or some such.
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Cans for thedudeabides85, Emergent_C, and Drew. They know why.
This site (http://sorabji.com) has made a fetish of receipts (it also has much other wonderful content). I know Onstad must read it.
The relentless downmarketitude of the strip is inspirational. No pretense, no fashion, no nothing. Only merit. Either you got it or you don't, that's all. Especially with regard to Ray, for whom ridiculous money made Blue Nun dirty, this is especially wonderful.
And I reply so late that no one will ever read this post.
(and I'm so stupid, I can't insert a hyperlink)
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The image of a GOF-based elementary-school math worksheet fills me with delight. We could even expand it to elementary physics: "The Toronto Man Machine, weighing 6.2 kg, is running east at approximately 25 m/s when Furious Jacob Forsyth, weighing 4.7 kg and running north at 32 m/s, collides with him. Find their final velocity and the direction of their combined motion. Assume a perfectly elastic collision and that neither cat loses mass from the resulting face-ripping."
My sister teaches third grade at an elementary school in the area. I'll tell her she needn't worry about planning any more math lessons this year, or any year for that matter. I'll plan the curriculum.
Except, I wouldn't have known what a perfectly elastic collision was in elementary school. At least I don't think I would have. And I tested above average in every subject area.
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perhaps the Brandy has been spiked by no doz ?
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There are multiple Safeways in Palo Alto. I don't know about Bakersfield for sure, but a Safeway there would not surprise me.
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and I'm just imagining getting the next issue of Southpark Magazine (it's a magazine basically based on a rich area of charlotte. I dont know what it's ever about... but southpark is "that rich neighborhood with the nice mall". the magazine is owned by the same company as the newspaper) and having a picture of me, and a comment about being obsessed with an online comic about alive stuffed animals.
Southpark Mall is pretty nice. Generally speaking, any mall with an art store (as opposed to a store that sells art supplies) is probably in a good way. The only malls I've been in that had one were Southpark and the Mall of America.
Convincing the SO to move with me to Charlotte is Part Of The Plan For Me.
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yeah...
it only gets better, too.
that mall is hardcore.
now that I'll be moving away from Charlotte, I'm realizing how much I love it. Damn. I'm going to spend the rest of my time hear buying paraphernalia (neighborhood theater t-shirt, cheerwine t-shirt, UNC t-shirt, cds by local bands... etc.)
also: is it paraphernalia? the spellcheck changed it to that, but... there's an R in it? why?
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yeah...
it only gets better, too.
that mall is hardcore.
now that I'll be moving away from Charlotte, I'm realizing how much I love it. Damn. I'm going to spend the rest of my time hear buying paraphernalia (neighborhood theater t-shirt, cheerwine t-shirt, UNC t-shirt, cds by local bands... etc.)
also: is it paraphernalia? the spellcheck changed it to that, but... there's an R in it? why?
There was a girl at my high school (a boarding and day school) from North Carolina. Whenever she went home to NC, she would bring back cases and cases of Cheerwine and sell it by the can or case to students. It was a very popular and lucrative business venture on her part. I'd like to say that she was raising the money to donate to charity, but I can't be sure.
Like the first "r" in February, the second "r" in paraphernalia is not pronounced by some people. I know that there has been a thread about the proper pronunciation of February, so I am not going to give my opinion, but instead merely state that people say things differently.
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I just discovered Diet Cheerwine about 6 months ago. That stuff is tasty and it has hell of caffeine.
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merely state that people say things differently.
It would do much for World Peace and so forth if more people would leave it at that, when such issues arise.
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yeah...
it only gets better, too.
that mall is hardcore.
now that I'll be moving away from Charlotte, I'm realizing how much I love it. Damn. I'm going to spend the rest of my time hear buying paraphernalia (neighborhood theater t-shirt, cheerwine t-shirt, UNC t-shirt, cds by local bands... etc.)
also: is it paraphernalia? the spellcheck changed it to that, but... there's an R in it? why?
I might still have my UNC Sucks t-shirt around somewhere if you're interested. Also: Tech Sucks
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Spoken like a Cavalier. Football teams in Florida, basketball teams in North Carolina, all can go take a long walk off a short pier.
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It would be better if people would pronounce words in English correctly.
We need something like the French Academy to make and ENFORCE rules about how words are supposed to be pronounced. It's a New World Order, after all. Conform, fuckers.
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stuff
merely state that people say things differently.
From now on I'm just going to quote this again whenever I have the urge to go all PhD in Linguistics on someone's ass. Thank you, Hobot, for the therapy.
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It would be better if people would pronounce words in English correctly.
We need something like the French Academy to make and ENFORCE rules about how words are supposed to be pronounced. It's a New World Order, after all. Conform, fuckers.
I still have a bit of a Pennsyltucky accent despite living in VA for 17 years. So I always like to use m-w.com for my pronounciation arguments because they are ridiculously permissive when it comes to this for some reason. I mean, they list apprEciate and pro-nounce-iation as OK. That's just nuts.
I actually say the first one.
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Appreciate - uh PREE she ate.
That's how I pronounce it. It's the only pronunciation in my dictionary.
How, um, do others pronounce it? uh pree SEE ate?
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Appreciate - uh PREE she ate.
That's how I pronounce it.
Me too.
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yes. I am pretty sure that is how you say it.
so. um.
maybe "ah-prikk-eee-ate"?
"agh-price-eee-ate"?
"augh-priest-ti-ate"?
"oh-pre-she-at"?
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d'oh, I typed it wrong. I say it with a short i sound instead of a long e.
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Didn't see anything about this on here yet.
Volume VI coming soon!
Edit: Whoops, I meant to post this in the newest thread, and this was the most recently updated. Sorry.
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Thoughts about the strip while waiting for the next strip:
Did anyone else read "He knew I was BOC." as BÖC, or Blue Öyster Cult?
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Thoughts about the strip while waiting for the next strip:
Did anyone else read "He knew I was BOC." as BÖC, or Blue Öyster Cult?
I have made this amusing mistake before, yes. And it reminds me of that episode of "The Simpsons" in which Judge Harm tells Homer, "I'm familiar with BÖC."