The OFFICIAL Unofficial Achewood Message Board
Trivial Pursuits => Arts & Entertainment => Topic started by: Pimp_skitters on September 16, 2006, 08:36:25 am
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...because they're for your soul don'tcha know. Let me introduce you to the saccharine, bizzare and often grotesque little world of-
Chick Tracts!
Firstly, an all time classic The Little Witch (http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0064/0064_01.asp), which I feel is a great introduction to the general tone of Chick tracts. Sleep overs inevitably lead to infant sacrifice, but this tract makes the concept easy to understand.
Next, let's take a fun trip into the future. (http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0094/0094_01.asp) Isn't junior just the sweetest? There's something about authoritarianism that introduces Sam Browne belts as fashion musts.
Aren't these kids so excited about becoming Muslims? (http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/1054/1054_01.asp) This tract is one of many featuring the charming Suzy, who uses her full range of facial expression here to the delight of many a reader. How we love her so. But not.. in a muslim way.
Ever wonder why Bewitched, despite being a rather repetitive and sexist sitcom, is still being reran? Easy, bewitched = anarchy, pornography and homosexuality. (http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0045/0045_01.asp) Now we know where those things come from.
Back to little Suzy, this time informing us about queers. (http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/1052/1052_01.asp) One of the little known side effects on being in a long-term homosexual relationship is that two lizards take up residence on your respective bodies. For this reason, herpetologists are 27% less likely to support gay marriages, but with in them their relationships last 78% longer.
Dungeons and dragons: like anyone even pretends it's not about Satanism anymore. (http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0046/0046_01.asp)
When Suzy first met her teacher and obviously, nemesis, Ms. Henn. (http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/1051/1051_01.asp) You just know as soon as you see her she believes in evolution.
And finally, a little party. (http://www.chick.com/reading/tracts/0007/0007_01.asp) No-one ever tells me I look like their fourth wife.
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I Don't Want To Be Elfstar Any More. I Want To Be More Breakfast
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Pimp Skitters - you'd have loved www.ungh.com back in the day. They (he) used to collect a lot of tracts that weren't available anywhere else. Best Chick archive on the web, but it's sadly gone bye-bye.
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I don't remember where I found this (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v602/bensanaz/chick_wod.jpg) but it seems relevant.
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Those Jack Chick tracts just turn my stomach. They are trash.
I am a Christian, I love baby Jesus, but those tracts have probably done more to force people away from God than they have actually won people over.
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I really love the one about Islam. It can't be right that Adam was 60 feet tall! It says that he wasn't in the Bible!
Polygamy! that's so gross! Islam must be a gross religion!
Contradictions in a holy book? that's horrible!
also, the one about gay dudes is pretty awesome.
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I don't remember where I found this (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v602/bensanaz/chick_wod.jpg) but it seems relevant.
Hah! That's a new one to me. Here (http://www.o-ox-ox1.org/cthulhuchick/) is an old favorite: Chick meets Lovecraft!
Pimp Skitters - you'd have loved www.ungh.com back in the day. They (he) used to collect a lot of tracts that weren't available anywhere else. Best Chick archive on the web, but it's sadly gone bye-bye.
Yes, that's one area where the internet looses out to printed material: when something's gone from the internet, it's really gone.
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Yeah, that Jack Chick is some crazy shit. I remember when people used to hand those tracts out to people as they were leaving a concert. Hope you enjoyed the Ozzy, your going to hell if you don't change your ways. Here read this, it'll help you to save yourself.
Booga Booga.
Where is Q?
~Paul
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I have a specific memory of a friend reading one of those next to me on the bus. He had me read it... I forget exactly what it was about.
Later on the same trip, he explained the different kinds of porn to me (the difference between hard- and soft-core, the "gang-bang," etc.) it was pretty intense, and I did not notice the funny contradiction until just now. He actually might have been making fun of the Tract-- I believe it may have been about how Rock Music is from the devil.
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As crazy as the dark dungeons one is the thing I like most is the guy with the mustache at the end just talking about how rock music is a plot my the illuminate like it ain't no thing, if you're reading this then you just take it for granted that rock music is a conspiracy and the illuminati exists, I mean obviously.
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Uh-oh! In "The Little Bride," the Muslim family is going... to the airport!
Dun-dun-dunnnnnnnn!
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Yes, that's one area where the internet looses out to printed material: when something's gone from the internet, it's really gone.
Well, there's always The Wayback Machine (http://www.archive.org/web/web.php). (If it wasn't blocked from work, I'd do the search for ungh.com myself...)
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It's not in the wayback machine, unfortunately. I guess they had a *****s.txt file that didn't permit spidering (from unnaughty spiders).
Dang, I'd love to get a copy of that old content. I have no idea how to get in touch with V-X anymore, though.
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Chick tracts are unintentionally brilliant. :D
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I really love the one about Islam.
"Amir! Safiya! We're leaving for the airport... right now1."
Ominous...
1 Emphasis in original text.