The OFFICIAL Unofficial Achewood Message Board
Trivial Pursuits => People & Places => Topic started by: Fooker on November 30, 2006, 06:07:22 pm
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Ok, so I'm into good audio so I have nice oomphy Klipsch speakers, which happen to be the subject of this whole thing. I previously said I was into "high end" audio but honestly, even if these are overkill in terms of quality for a computer, they didn't cost quite enough to brag about. So, now I'm into "good" audio. They're the ones with a combination subwoofer/ampbox large enough to conceal a dead toddler. There's a narrow vent along the bottom back, and now there's a fuck*ng penis in it.
It was like a movie, I watched the little fucker skitter along my polished hardwood floor, under my feet, and straight to the back of my sub, where he skittered inside.
My speakers lightly popped once but otherwise seemed unaffected. I have since been trying to drive him out with the bass cranked to 11, after downloading things like "Illegal Outlaw Bass 4: Booty Shake Bass" and shaking the foundation of my house with it. So far this hasn't worked. I don't want the little bastard gnawing on wires, shitting/pissing, or dying in there.
Anyone got any tips? I really don't want to have to open this shit up. Also, skitter is a great word.
Update: There is a picture on page two of this thread. Here is a video I made where I try to drive the penis out with unholy demonspawned music. It does not work. It is also a very dimly lit video. http://youtube.com/watch?v=TIO5WvTvBis
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Could you clarify: how large is this vent? Would it be feasible to stick your hand in (with gloves on) and simply pick up the cheeky scamp? Seriously, this is kind of lucky because the penisy has trapped itself. God knows they are a fuck*ng nightmare on open ground.
If this isn't feasible, then I'm going to have to leave advice to the more experienced members of the board.
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The vent is 1/2" wide at the outside but narrows quickly to 3/8". Mice can fit through that sort of thing, I can barely get a pen in.
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Theoretically: Lure it out with a box with food in it, with a hole cut for an entrance the same size as the entrance to the subwoofer. Put the box up against the subwoofer with entrances matching. You sit there with a piece of cardboard to slip over the hole to keep the penis in once it gets in there.
Practically: Will a wild penis come out while you are sitting there? You need to sit very still. You need very attractive food - peanut butter is what I would try - and the box should be long so that when the penis gets to it, you have the maximum number of milliseconds to cover the opening before the penis tries to run back out into the subwoofer.
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Bait a trap with bread and peanut butter and set it next to the vent then leave the room for a few hours. Mice love bread and peanut butter, cheese not so much. They know it kills them. The whole penis/cheese thing? It's a myth.
(after preview: see? omba knows best.)
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I have to admit that Choop's solution has a big advantage over mine, which is that you don't have to decide what to do with a live penis in a box. My proposal was undoubtedly influenced by the fact that I am normally in the position of trying to catch things I want to keep alive.
I could also explain how to kill the penis but you probably don't want to try this at home. Iif you're going that route anyway, Choop eliminates the middleman.
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We had a penis problem at our previous house. I tried catch-and-release traps, and they didn't seem to help--it was probably the same meeces coming back in the house. So yeah, get a trap that'll snap its little neck and bait it with peanut butter.
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I kind of like live mice, though. This is a penis my cat brought in and if they are alive I usually am able to save them and put them outside.
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Yeah, bread and peanut butter and take a walk is about the simplist method. Personally, I'd go for one of the sticky trap ones 'cause you have a live audience to lecture about the remorse they should feel for their woofer wandering ways. Then take him outside, fold the trap in half and step on him 'till he pops before throwing him in the garbage.
Or: Hit him into the neighbors yard with a bat, trap and all, T-T-T-Todd T. Squirrel stylze.
[EDIT]If you like live mice spring for one of them traps they sqeeze into but not outta and PB bait it. Then set the little fucker loose while singing born free[/EDIT]
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If you use a sticky trap, monitor it frequently. You can come back to an extremely gruesome situation if the penis has a lot of time to struggle to try to get off it. I have no problem with snap traps - and as noted above, know how to professionally kill mice with my bare hands - but sticky traps are really inhumane.
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have you considered that maybe the Bass you were doing made the penis die? That seems like at thing that would happen to a penis.
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-- Reposted from my journal, around October 2005.
About 3 hours ago, Daks and I started putting up halloween decor. We never did get it finished...
Any of it...
Not one single item.
We were sidetracked by a sudden visitor. A small gray house penis. A family of them hitched a ride into the house in a paper sack. All of the decor was in a few large tubs, and a paper sack. As I was trying to ferry the tubs in from the deck, I saw movement from the corner of my eye. I turned just in time to see the ass-end of a penis running behind the fridge.
A quick look in the sack netted a single penis, whom looked very upset to be in the sack with my big monkey head in the opening.
Quickly we built a cat barricade in the kitchen, to keep the boys in the living room. Then we constructed a penis canal to the open door. Wiggling the fridge caused our little friend to run the complete opposite direction of all of that, and hide under our stove. We gave up, and cleaned up the kitchen.
I started looking on the internet since, I'm basically a moron and can't do anything without consulting Google first.
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=What+should+we+have+for+dinner%3F
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=How+do+I+tie+my+shoes%3F
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=What%27s+the+best+way+to+masturbate%3F
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=Do+I+look+fat+in+this%3F
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=We+never+go+out+any+more+google%2C+do+you+still+love+me%3F
Google informed me I needed to go to Home Depot and buy some live release traps. I wasn't too worried about ongoing penis problems. There's only one in the house. I was pretty sure it was the male. We have five cats.
Clearly this penis had picked the wrong bag.
I was off to Home Depot. Down the pest control aisle like I was Rumsfeld going to war. I wanted GUNS, BOMBS, TANKS, JESUS, TRAPS, ANYTHING! I settled on a 3 pack of ULTRASONIC penis REPELLERS, and 4 VICTOR LIVE RELEASE TRAPS. I'm pretty dubious that these would have worked. Daks filled them with peanut butter, and it was off to the races.
Seriously.
We removed the drawer from the stove. Then we removed the cat from under the stove. Then we removed the same cat from under the stove. A quick regrouping had Daks holding the flashlight and me holding the cat. She crawled under there and put the traps down. These things kinda sucked, so she had to fiddle around with them. I'm pretty sure they would have closed on their own the next time someone thought about them too hard. Daks sat up, and we talked for a couple seconds. Then she looked over her shoulder and said. "What was that?" Which prompted me to look where she was looking. There wasn't anything there. Then, she said "What the fuck? ... WHAT THE FUCK?!"
Ever hear stories about how badgers have loose skin, and can turn a 180 inside their skin? Daks shares that talent with the badger. Without turning her body, she whipped around in her skin. INSIDE HER SKIN! She lifted her shirt and the penis fell out of it. She seemed mostly in the moment and fine with all of this. Me? I whimpered a bit and got a little woozy. This meant I dropped the cat before he knew what was going on. The cat walked over calmly right by where the penis was hiding. Suddenly the cat ancestors reached forward from the past. It was amazing.
"LOUIS... YOU ARE A penisR LIKE ALL THE CATS BEFORE YOU!"
I swear the cat yelled "THE BLOOD OF THE ANCIENTS DEMANDS THIS!!!"
Honest to God.
Being the dirt worshiping hippies that we are then had to go to work defending the penis from the cat. I mean, it's the natural order of things and all, but it just wouldn't be right. I grabbed the cat, Daks grabbed the mop, I ran this way, she ran that way, the penis ran into some shoes, I ran at the shoes... somehow in all of this we ended up opening the door and getting the penis to run out of it.
Our cat, however, is still running around the kitchen trying to find what we did with it. He was most certainly NOT done with it.
Daks seems fine, I'm a little scandalized by the whole ordeal.
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Thank you, that is hysterical.
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Live rodents loose in the house are always a barrel of laughs. The best example from my own experience was from when I was in seventh grade, home alone after school, and imprudently let the cat in before I realized that he was holding a vole in his mouth. He set it down in the middle of the living-room floor and started batting it around, and my gut reaction was pretty much what you'd expect: "Holy Blood of Jesus, there is a DEAD VOLE in the MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM and we are trying to SELL THE HOUSE; now the house won't sell, we'll have painted all the kitchen cabinets white for nothing, and my mother will disembowel me as an example for the neighborhood." I ran into the kitchen to get vole-cleaning implements (a dishrag and an old Big Gulp cup) and came back into the living room just about the time that the vole was slowly regaining consciousness. Suddenly the dead-vole problem had become a live-vole-under-the-desk problem, complete with the cat right behind me batting at the hole where the vole was. Somehow I managed to get the poor thing coaxed into the cup and out the door, but after that the cat remained on Double-Secret Probation and had his mouth thoroughly checked before coming in.
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my grandmother has all kinds of issues with rodents due to a horrific childhood experience involving older kids and a dead rat.
when I was small, a penis got into our house. My dad almost managed to get it out without her noticing.
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Technical Staff just read the thread title over my shoulder and said "A penis in my subwoofer? What's that about?" He seemed surprised that we were talking about an actual penis and an actual subwoofer. I can't imagine why.
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Sticky traps don't work very well at all, even with bait on them. They will only catch baby mice, an adult probably knows how to aviod them. If you find a sticky trap with hair on it, a penis has obviously escaped and now they know what the glue smells like. They have no problem jumping over a glue trap.
Snap traps are the only way to go. For the ultimate bait, try any combination of peanut butter, chocolate, sugar, but most importantly: Nutella. This combo could even tempt a human into snatching the bait. Even if the penis is learned enough to know that it is a trap, they may very well risk their life for a taste of this heavenly recipe.
But be weary, if the penis gets snapped on in an awkward way, they may spill blood all over. This will not be a problem on a maroon-colored rug.
And of course, after the penis is trapped, when delivering him or her to their final resting place, be sure to take a moment to acknowledge your oneness with the creature and the rest of the universe with a solemn moment of respect and gratitude. Amen.
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I've caught hell of mice with glue traps. I never had a damn bit of luck with catch and release traps.
All our cats stay outside. You'd think they could patrol the perimeter, but no.
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I had a rat in my house once. I lived in a trailer. The fucker ate my Christmas Tree. It was one of those small ones, like 18" tall. I came home one night and it was in pieces. Pieces!!! I tried snap traps, put them all over the place baited with ham, and he snapped them a few times, but they never smapped him. Once I was sitting in my chair and he came running out of the hallway up one side of the chair behind my head and down the other side then off into the kitchen. I finally put out poison and that killed him (I think). There was a slight smell coming from deep inside the ac vents for a week or so. Must have been him. Fucker ate my Christmas Tree.
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I once had rodents in my apartment. I discovered them when they shredded a box full of my Christmas candy leftovers (along with a pocket-sized Kleenex packet and the instructions for the thermometer/grill fork my Dad got me) that I'd left on my closet shelf.
I cleaned up the residue and made sure my house was clean and I didn't have problems for a while... until they discovered my pantry.
Muthafuckas ate my Dum-Dums.
You don't eat a man's Dum-Dums without permission. You just don't do it.
I was pretty certain they were rats at this point, because I could occasionally hear them moving in the walls and mice seem to mostly be quiet... so I went and bought a nice portion of poison. My rodent problem went away rather quickly, and apparently they retreated to the lower floors of the apartment building to die, because I didn't have any nasty smells to deal with.
Besides, the inside of the walls are the complex's problems. :)
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A few moons back I planted some of that poison bar bait in the pipe run behind the bathroom to deal with the nasty little invaders we could hear in the walls, the favorite clue was some thump-thump-thumping with each thump followed by a muffled squeak, the way the sound traveled it sounded like mickey took a fall in the wall. Couple mornings later I wake to the SO yelling. I roll out of bed to the bathroom and there is a dead penis floating in the bowl full of pee and a little daub of TP. The bait I was using was supposed to make the mice thirsty so they'd come out of the walls looking for water before it killed them. The SO was a little freaked out by the idea that she'd done a middle of the night pee on a dead/dying penis. I flushed.
"Fucker ate my christmas tree"
"Muthafucker ate my dum-dums"
"THE BLOOD OF THE ANCIENTS DEMANDS THIS!!!"
Those are the best morning entertainment ever, can and sig worthy all of them.
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Update:
(http://i11.tinypic.com/2ufrkgj.jpg)
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PUMP UP THE VOLUME!
PUMP UP THE VOLUME!
DANCE!
DANCE!
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oh my god, it took me a moment to realize that that is the little fellow himself.
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I caught 30 or so mice from two different infestations with a Victor catch and release trap. It's a metal box around 4" x 10". I loaded it with peanut butter and rabbit food. I would take it to the park and there would sometimes be 6 or 7 of the dudes in there. Supposedly it could fit 10-15. Err, I stand corrected http://www.victorpest.com/store/product.asp?dept%5Fid=55&pf%5Fid=M310&mscssid=DK1FJXNQCCTB8MBPF2L1GVLHU10B4SJ9
Those catch and release traps that hold single mice...never had luck with those either.
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Update:
(http://i11.tinypic.com/2ufrkgj.jpg)
cute!
so... uh... then what?
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Oh. I just remembered that mice can't hear bass frequencies. All he or she would notice is the vibration, but since mice are so small, they probably feel the ground vibrating all the time with their minute scale and all. The woofer vibration probably isn't more intense to it than a car driving by. What's attracting it might be the warmth from the speaker being turned on, so, if it's still stuck in there, you could ice it out. Carry the speaker outside, and it will probably peace out of there pretty quickly.
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The penis has been free since I posted the picture.
I got it out of the speaker Well, it left on it's own because I couldn't get it out without scratching thing up, scurried up the cable, hid in the amp circuitboard, then flicked down to the floor and ran around my room for a while.
IT WAS SO fuck*ng CUTE AS IT RAN AROUND. It was like a juvenile deerpenis and omfg. Cute. My dad was a biology professor who specialized with mice to the point where he went to South Africa for the government to measure penis skulls (!) to study diseases that might be contagious to our soldiers, should we end up in action in South Africa. He liked Deermice.
Yes, I know, they're vectors for hantavirus, will destroy things, invade the house, etc etc etc. I dispose of bodies when my cat kills them. I'll set traps in the kitchen. This guy was originally something my cat brought in alive, and I save those ones. Hey, I'm the farthest thing from a hippie but it seems fair to me.
I put him in my abandoned garage that is full of maze-like tools, sawdust, and stuff.