The OFFICIAL Unofficial Achewood Message Board
Trivial Pursuits => People & Places => Topic started by: Fooker on January 18, 2007, 02:17:02 pm
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Allow me to begin:
I went to Wal-Mart at around 11:30 last night to buy some shit. I had some quarters given to me by someone else to use to buy them raisins (don't ask) and a few twenties of my own to spend on things I wanted.
After around an hour of browsing, I checked out. I had the raisins subtotaled and paid with quarters, and then paid for a laptop bag (which the cashier looked inside), some socks, a shirt, gloves, and a hat. The gloves were important because I have Reynauds'- in cold temperatures, my circulation in my extremities drops like a rock, and getting into a cold car is extremely painful for me, especially touching the wheel. So, I bought some gloves, and put them on after taking my receipt and bags from the cashier. That way, my hands could be toasty warm all the way to the car, and inside it too! All was calm and pleasant. I was a smiling sunbeam.
Walking to the door, I was detained by the old receipt checkers. Like any person who has read about walmart and receipt checkers online, I refused to show it. Plus, I was heavily fuck*ng loaded with three bags of stuff, the gloves were insulated and too bulky to do anything requiring dexterity such as reaching inside my very tight pocket for the receipt which was under my wallet, and I didn't want to take them off. I said no, and kept walking. The receipt lady dashed to the door and physically barred me from leaving. I tried and she wouldn't let me past.
She wasn't just standing in my way, she was spreading out and emanating body language vibes that were basically identical to Gandalf getting all "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" on my ass. The other guy was to my right, and to my left was the wall. I was cornered and he was moving in closer on me trying to get into my bags.
I said that I wanted to leave and she said no, she had to see my receipt. I said no, you DON'T, and I don't want to take my gloves off to get it. The old guy (and I LIKED the old guy. I see him almost every time I go in and I always smile and say hi, because I AM NOT AN ASSHOLE AND I DONT INTENTIONALLY FUCK WITH OLD PEOPLE SUPPLEMENTING THEIR SOCIAL SECURITY CHECKS BUT GOD. DAMN.) raised his radio, nonverbally threatening to summon the authorities. I started to feel tight pain in my chest (I have angina) and the space around me began to feel tighter and tighter. I tried to get past the lady without touching her but she physically blocked the door and grabbed my bags or my arm (I don't remember which but I know my arm was at least brushed). The old guy raised his radio higher and I told them to call the police if they wanted to stop me. She looked at the old guy and in a mean voice said "look inside his bag" (the laptop bag). I told them that they could not look inside the bag, it was checked by the cashier and it was now my property. The pain in my chest increased and I knew that if I didn't get out of there it would get worse and I would have breathing difficulties.
With great difficulty, I pulled my right glove off and giraffeed out the receipt. The old guy DIDN'T EVEN COMPARE IT TO MY ITEMS and just marked it with a pen, then handed it back. The woman was about to let me leave but I was pissed and held the laptop bag out to her and insisted that she check it, with a 'fuck*ng' thrown in for good measure. She didn't want to anymore but I insisted and she opened it up and looked through it and stuck it back in my bag, then she gave me the receipt (having taken it from the guy? I didn't see) and I stuck it in my pocket and pulled my glove back on. At this point I was FINALLY allowed to leave.
My plan is to file suit with Wal-Mart and collect the ~10k their insurance company will belch out, split it with the lawyer, and spend the rest of the money somewhere OTHER than wal-mart.
There's nothing I love more than screwing that company, unless it's screwing one of their cashiers. Hah.
Knowing that I had NOTHING to be detained over, I would have stuck around for security and hopefully cops to show up. I know for a fact that if I was arrested over this that I could get that 10k out of them easily, but I was afraid for my own health and felt like I had to comply to avoid having a medical emergency.
I can get a doctor to check me out and verify my health claims. (reynauds, angina, etc)
Alright, it is now 9 am and I am going out to find myself a fearsome attack lawyer in a town of 16,000 people. There should be at least one. Hopefully I don't have to go into the next largest city. I figure the extent of this will be one (1) lawyer letter to wal-mart, followed by an offer back for me to settle before court. Even then, I want one that'll go for the gold on contingency basis.
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basically identical to Gandalf getting all "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" on my ass.
I had no idea I was missing so much excitement because I do not shop at Wal-mart.
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I go to wal-mart because it is basically a place where adventures happen and we don't have a Target. Also there is this one really cute cashier.
Negatives: rednecks, fat people, fat rednecks, redneck kids, fat kids.
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We don't have Wal-Marts where I live. When did they start doing the Price Club receipt check?
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We don't have Wal-Marts where I live. When did they start doing the Price Club receipt check?
Come out to Fairfax, we got one.
Actually, don't. Not worth it.
They did, however, take a return on the DVD of "It's a Wonderful Life" that I got in the office gift exchange, and I have no idea if it was bought at Wal-Mart. I got a belt with the store credit.
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Yeah, see, I worked at Wall-Mart to put myself through University, and I could tell you somethings - it is like the 5th circle of hell. You think they're customer service Nazis? You can't even imagine how horribly the employees you dealt with are probably treated.
Really though, don't waste your time with a lawyer, Wal-Mart's lawyers are scarier than any lawyer who's stupid enough to take the case. If you don't like the store's awful policies and treatment of customers, and already knew that before shopping there, here's a suggestion: Don't shop there.
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Really though, don't waste your time with a lawyer, Wal-Mart's lawyers are scarier than any lawyer who's stupid enough to take the case. If you don't like the store's awful policies and treatment of customers, and already knew that before shopping there, here's a suggestion: Don't shop there.
Yeah. I gotta say, even though they treated you suckily, I don't think you have much of a case. Unlawful detainment = taken to a back room and kept there for four hours, not delayed at the door for ten minutes.
(Maybe you are joking about filing suit. I can't really tell.)
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I've been researching law for my state.. just because it was only for a few minutes doesn't mean they didn't break the law by barring me from leaving.
I don't expect to get millions, after all.
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Why do you expect to get anything you fuck*ng parasite blowjob?
They asked you to show a receipt at the door and you pitched a kitty even though you knew the policy going in. WTF, you couldn't leave it out in a bag for the door warden or done nine jillion other things to avoid your slight inconvenience?
You're being a pseudo-outraged prick over something a million rational adults negotiate effortlessly daily.
CHILDISH BULLSHIT
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Why do you expect to get anything you fuck*ng parasite blowjob?
They asked you to show a receipt at the door and you pitched a kitty even though you knew the policy going in. WTF, you couldn't leave it out in a bag for the door warden or done nine jillion other things to avoid your slight inconvenience?
You're being a pseudo-outraged prick over something a million rational adults negotiate effortlessly daily.
CHILDISH BULLSHIT
This was a special fuck*ng circumstance.
Besides, I know the law about receipts and such. All of the five times I've been asked to show a receipt before, I did it because I didn't feel like being a dick to a senior citizen. However, I do object to having my sense of civility manipulated by having elderly people placed in that situation, to ask things of me that have nothing to do with me. I don't work for Wal-Mart, and I don't feel the need to help them with their own security problems. They have security cameras up the ass and LP officers if they want to bust someone for shoplifting. Unless they have probable cause, there's nothing that lets them detain me, especially physically.
Not my goddamn fault if they can't police their own cashiers to keep them from collaborating with other crooks and not ringing up expensive items at the checkout. Besides, what sort of loot did they expect me to steal in the 10 feet past the checkout counter, and if I'm such a master thief that I could pull it off, why would I be robbing Wal-Mart?
Don't get offended just because I'm not a blissninny. I bet you think that when a cop asks to search your car, you're being an unreasonable cockfag if you say "Unless you have a warrant, I'd rather be on my way, officer."
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A persuasive argument. (http://www.lps1.com/bw.digg.html)
This, however, is why I don't in fact shop at Wal-Mart. My mom keeps renewing my Sam's club membership without asking, but I don't even use it because I feel bad in my stomach every time I spend money in the Walton Empire.
The exception is when my kid is crying and we're in the mountains of West Virginia and there's noplace else around I can get him a bottle of milk/pacifier/cold medicine/whatever.
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This was a special fuck*ng circumstance.
Special how exactly? Why do you deserve $10,000 because you had to show a reciept at the door of the Wal-Mart?
OK, maybe it's not right and it's not cool that they do that. But how exactly were you injured $10,000 worth? Did you miss work? Incur medical bills? Endure severe pain?
Or are you suggesting that the 2 minutes of righteous indignation you suffered entitles you to some free money while you clog up the Court system for the rest of us? Put your big girl panties on and get the fuck over it.
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Actually, I don't intend to clog up the legal system at all, however, you seem to think that I should ignore and allow Unlawful Detainment (A felony) to go unchallenged.
I file suit. Wal-Mart reviews the evidence and offers a settlement for less than their court costs will be, thus bypassing the entire legal system. I give the lawyer his cut and move on with my life. Everyone is happy, except for a pair of old biddies that probably get fired and go back to eating catfood.
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Don't get offended just because I'm not a blissninny.
That's not the problem at all.
YOU went to their establishment.
YOU knew their policies in advance.
YOU forced a needless confrontation.
YOU expect ca$h layouts.
YOU carry the responsibility for putting yourself in a stupid position with an octogenerian.
And for all this YOU want to stand on 'your rights' when YOU put yourself into the mix.
Because you're special?
Douche.
JL has the adult answer here [edit]and Smells[/edit] (it's also what I do)
Story Time: only 20% of the items at your standard big-box retailer (WallyWorld, Target, etc.) are high profit items. The rest are maybe 2% over cost+overhead. The impact of theft on these retailers falls directly into monthly/quarterly profitability. They're running on small margin high volume survival. The crummy receipt check policies and other 'security' measures allow these retailers to control product loss to the point where they can avoid a few critical impacts: staffing cutbacks and price floors (price floors directly effect market area competitiveness which impacts volume). These companies are unwilling to give up on security policies because of these impacts. They'd rather lose a few customers who're offended than have to raise prices, lose volume and cut back on Sally May's hours (which she needs to buy the babys new leg braces).
You want the advantage of narrow margin low ass prices you're going to run into these policies. You don't want to put up with it you can go to a retailer who carries a sufficient margin on their products that they can survive a little higher loss rate and pay for the lack of bother.
You want the tasty low prices while ignoring the stated policies of a private business on their property?
Fuuuuuuuuuck YOOOOUuuuuu!
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Actually, I don't intend to clog up the legal system at all, however, you seem to think that I should ignore and allow Unlawful Detainment (A felony) to go unchallenged.
I file suit. Wal-Mart reviews the evidence and offers a settlement for less than their court costs will be, thus bypassing the entire legal system. I give the lawyer his cut and move on with my life. Everyone is happy, except for a pair of old biddies that probably get fired and go back to eating catfood.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: MR. PAT REYNOLDS!!!
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Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: MR. PAT REYNOLDS!!!
::golf claps::
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I must have missed the posted notice that said that their employees are instructed to break the law when I don't let them check over my receipt (something that rarely happens to me anyway).
OH NO, I'M ON A STORES PROPERTY. THEY CAN TACKLE AND FIST ME, NO PROBLEM.
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No, you missed the sign that says "I'm partially (at least) responsible for the stupid ass situations I get in and acting like a petulant child who lost their binky". People get that one when they're adults, you must have missed that line.
Now go ahead and have the last word then go take your cunt-pills. I figger you know where I stand by now.
ALSO: fuck you and your shot at rednecks. We're almost people too.
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I will gleefully update you guys with whether or not I manage to charge a senior citizen criminally. I wasn't going to do that but now I am. It'll sure show those other guys on the Achewood board, on the internet!
I mean business!!!1
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(and I LIKED the old guy. I see him almost every time I go in and I always smile and say hi, because I AM NOT AN ASSHOLE AND I DONT INTENTIONALLY FUCK WITH OLD PEOPLE SUPPLEMENTING THEIR SOCIAL SECURITY CHECKS BUT GOD. DAMN.)
I file suit. Wal-Mart reviews the evidence and offers a settlement for less than their court costs will be, thus bypassing the entire legal system. I give the lawyer his cut and move on with my life. Everyone is happy, except for a pair of old biddies that probably get fired and go back to eating catfood.
One of these things isn't quite like the other. HINT: Which one shows a certain level of respect for the elderly, who are frequently forced to work retail in order to keep themselves above the poverty line, and which one does not?
Pop quiz: do barbers make too much money? Think hard.
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Pop quiz: do barbers make too much money? Think hard.
I wouldn't know, I cut my hair with a cabbage patch Magic Chewing Action doll and a pair of garden clippers.
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You buy the Wal-Mart ticket, you take the Wal-Mart ride.
I'm not being a snob, I buy the Wal-Mart ticket occasionally... to save four bucks on Sleep-Aid or whatever. But I understand the ride... to peruse Wal-Mart is to give into a certain kind of Smiling Jesus American Flags and Exploited Workforce hell just to... save four bucks on Sleep-Aid.
Owned and operated by Savage Monsters who'd stomp a hole in their mother for another yacht, staffed by People With No Other Option At All...
These old people were only following the literal interpretations of orders, by people who do not care about humanity living in mansions in Arkansas who... enforce their own insane penny-pinching rules randomly to instill fear in their broken underlings. Of COURSE those rules will be applied in nonsense ways, that's the point, making them do it that way is how you keep them broken and afraid. Rule through madness.
We have allowed our own countrymen to be made serfs that we might save a quarter on Doritos.
Go into that situation clear-eyed and you won't walk out of it in such a huff.
Sometimes you have to do bad things to get by... the key is to not fool ourselves about it, that's how we can prevent a piece of our souls from being taken in the process. If you're taking five hundred bucks from Osama Bin Laden to make your rent, don't be surprised if someone took your picture shaking his hand for it.
Be prepared to say "Yeah, the dude is evil but I had to pay my rent and I didn't see alla y'all kicking in. Don't judge me 'til you're short five bills yourself." Be prepared to believe it and know it because such things are the goddamned human condition.
This is how life works. The righteous indignation should be about places like Wal-Mart existing and people having to work entirely-humilitating jobs like that for nearly nothing in the richest country in the world... not that you got delayed for ten minutes because of the madness that swirls around that travesty.
Also: their lawyers are pretty much Highlanders, the only way to defeat them is to chop off their heads in single combat and they will be unleashed like wild dogs just to save five thousand bucks, just to prove a point that they will not be taken down by a swarm of gnat-bites. This is generally what happens when you've got hundreds of billions of dollars sloshing around in the pockets of zealots.
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Dude, that post is being so TOUAMBIE nominated if those go off again this year.
Category: Hella Conflicted - The posts you alternately love and loath
Well Done!
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LFM, please go back and edit your post, needs more profanity.
C+. You can do better. Show your work.
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C+. You can do better. Show your work.
I've always been unclear as to which swears would involve a * # or % showing up so... I'm a bit gunshy. Bad enough the few times I use the "trouser" word, the "automaton" word or whichever mystery words bring out the percentage signs. Best to avoidsies.
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Fuck yeah. This thread's turned hella' sexy.
I can not, can not stress enough how badly Wal-Mart treats it's employees - how they find every fuck*ng way they can to underpay, pressure and otherwise enforce a culture of fear among their workers. Anyone who doesn't have sympathy for Wal-Mart staff needs to go there before the store opens with a pair of binoculars and spy the Wal-Mart wiggle. Degradation and arm twisting are the name of the game.
How much you wanna bet those community elders at the door have a quota of shrinkage reduction measures to meet every day? How much you wanna bet that the goal set is damn near impossible to reach? How much you wanna bet their boss reminded them of this that very day and every day? And what about the whole lot of unspoken threats that happen if these folks aren't close enough to target. Every single employee when I worked at Wal-Mart was held personally responsible for shrinkage issues - I was grilled about empty packages and constantly spied on.
Don't hate the player, hate the game is all I'm saying.
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If you want to take money from Wal-Mart, do it the honest way: by assembling a crack team of specialists to break into their #####-guarded headquarters and steal the gigantic diamonds the Waltons do lines off of. Underground drill-tank type vehicles optional but recommended.
EDIT: "the gigantic diamonds off of which the Waltons do lines"
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I like to pretend that the blocked-out words are each other.
Therefore I am pretending that the Walton Compound is guarded by ferocious heat-seeking blood-thirsty slacks. The jewel thieves would have to fight them off with irons! They could yell out pithy catchphrases as they moved them down!
"Consider yourself pressed... permanently!"
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You probably don't have much of a case because you'll have a hard time proving injury, but fuck Wal-Mart and their receipt checking policy. They can try to check your receipt but they do not have the right to detain you without probable cause.
If you're going to "fight" such a thing, though, you'd have to allow them to physically assault you in a manner that you could not avoid.
That article that JL posted (http://www.lps1.com/bw.digg.html) was great. I enjoyed that.
The next time I have 10+ hours to kill and nothing better to do I'm going to go to Wal-Mart and be an asshole so I can ca$$$h in. Hells yeah, motherfucker.
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Holy shit, dude! I did not expect a character essay by Pat Reynolds, nor did I expect to see the word "douche" bandied about so freely. Flaming! Man, has it been a while.
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yeah, I know! I thought that I would never find fan-fic that actually could be enjoyed.
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Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: MR. PAT REYNOLDS!!!
Finally, someone gets it.
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Weak Cover, D- See me after class.
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Weak Cover, D- See me after class.
::golf claps::
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Finally, someone gets it.
While I'm pretty sure I believe you and... I certainly had fun playing the other side of the idea?
There is a certain phenominamamama that on a different board I've posted on is called the "I Had A Psychology Class Project Syndrome". The recurring cliche of someone saying something over-the-top jerky and... only when the entire board has laid down the law against some certain type of negativity... the poster will invariably say:
"I had a class project where I... had to go on the computer and... say something awful and... see how people reacted! I got a B-plus! Why not an A? The teacher said it was too long, too much wise information, overkill. I am totally a nice guy and this was not a flame, please like me."
On a small rather tight knit board like this where newbies (which I still count myself as here, really) can be absorbed into the place on a one-by-one basis, this is perhaps not so much of a problem but... it is the internet, what the internet has in pornography is balanced out by severely lacking in context.
There is always a chance that a person saying something like that ISN'T kidding and has simply hidden their craziness for a time, either to become part of the place first or... more likely... because the trigger for their particular madness hasn't come up.
A bit more of a tip of the hand or wink may have been useful is all I'm saying.
Though it was 85% clear that it was probably a role play, there was room left to believe that you might be really into the idea and were performing the internet board equivalent of superkicking Marty Janetty through a plateglass window on The Piper's Pit.
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I, on the other hand, am more than glad to have nailed Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka with a coconut.
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Is checking the receipt really that uncommon out in that part of the world?, because over here it's become pretty rudimentary. They hit you 100% of the time at K-Mart, Home Depot, Best-Buy, Guitar Center/any music store.
Home Depot once, all I bought was a two dollar, three inch cactus that I was carrying out with no bag. I wish they would have worded it:
"You got a receipt for that cactus, boy?"
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It basically never happens in Britain to my knowledge. In fact, most times when I hear the buzzers at the exits go off, it's because the cashier hasn't swiped over the product/taken off the tags. ???
Man, Fooker lost all his cans. :-[
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The joke is that he said something plausible happened, but actually he was lying.
Did I get it right? Let me try.
Today, I ate a steak sandwich and also a slice of cake.
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Actually, the joke is that it DID happen. As of today, I have both an attorney, a formal complaint with Wal-Mart corporate, and a pending date on which I will identify the employees in question.
I'm not totally sure how well this will go over with those cute cashiers, but I figure that when every employee in the store has to take a mandatory two hour seminar on why they can't detain people without evidence, they'll be thinking of me, and that's a start, right?
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Actually, the joke is that it DID happen.
So what you're saying is you're not a pretend dick, you're a real actual and true dick?
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"Ha ha! The joke is that I'm part of the problem! ;D"
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yay! It is like a RL RP of Pat. "I am taking my Achewood fandom to a new level, I am becoming Pat for real. Barbers don't know what is coming at them (hint: it involves a lawsuit, shears, wanting to be a lumberjack.)"
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So he's... kidding and to... show he's kidding, he said he was kidding and then... to prove it, he started kidding again immediately?
Okay, this is EXACTLY like professional wrestling now.
"Okay, look, the matches are faked but... whoa, the arguing backstage about who gets to fake-win and fake-lose? That's TOTALLY real and so we're going to show you tons of that now. But we TOTALLY won't fake that ever so... everything is all real again, okay? No... wait, we're serious. Don't... don't get up, don't you realize we've made it all real again? And... the writers are lead characters now, too, isn't that awesome? WE'RE SO META, PLEASE LOVE US!"
There comes a point where... you peel away so many layers that you just... get sick of peeling away layers and give up.
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"WE'RE SO META, PLEASE LOVE US!"
Can. :D
Fooker, not doing your can stack any favours here. :-[
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The joke is that I can say stuff, and it's sort of like a pizza dough. Then, you guys put things on that pizza dough. Some of you have made EXCELLENT PIZZA.
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Today, I ate a steak sandwich and also a slice of cake.
The better analogy would be:
"Today, I ate a steak sandwich and also a slice of cake. They were AWFUL and I'm going to put the POOR PEOPLE responsible in PRISON for THE REST OF THEIR LIVES and then I'm going to SUE the RICH PEOPLE who OWN THE RESTAURANT for LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY. I have lawyers and everything. Also, I am kidding. Also, I am not kidding. The steak was not good despite being the most inexpensive steak I have ever eaten and I hate poor people. Well, I don't hate poor people, that was just a story you helped me tell but I am suing the restaurant. Hello, my name is Eric Bishoff."
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"And then I made pizza from it."
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Wait, no, I think I get it.
The joke is that he is a dick in Wal-Mart, and also he is a dick on the Internet.
Am I closer now? Let me try again.
"Today I ate a steak sandwich. The mustard on the sandwich was you."
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"In Soviet Russia, receipt submits YOU for inspection."
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The better analogy would be:
"Today, I ate a steak sandwich and also a slice of cake. They were AWFUL and I'm going to put the POOR PEOPLE responsible in PRISON for THE REST OF THEIR LIVES and then I'm going to SUE the RICH PEOPLE who OWN THE RESTAURANT for LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY. I have lawyers and everything. Also, I am kidding. Also, I am not kidding. The steak was not good despite being the most inexpensive steak I have ever eaten and I hate poor people. Well, I don't hate poor people, that was just a story you helped me tell but I am suing the restaurant. Hello, my name is Eric Bishoff."
You are rad. YOU. ARE. RAD.
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You are rad. YOU. ARE. RAD.
Oh, pshaw.
If I am rad at all, I am merely the rad chili peppers on your pizza of justice.
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Oh, pshaw.
If I am rad at all, I am merely the rad chili peppers on your pizza of justice.
Pizza of Justice. That is some poetry right there.
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We can't stop here! This is Dada Country!
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You can keep peeling off lawyers - it's lawyers all the way down.
Damn right!
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not a one of my friends here had ever heard the elephants thing. that made me really unhappy. I feel like I have read it in at least a dozen different places.
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It is worse than I thought. We've gone from fan fictions right into the dreaded heart of ACHE-LARP.
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Although I would never follow his course of action, I have some sympathy for Fooker's position. Just wanted to throw that out there.
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It is worse than I thought. We've gone from fan fictions right into the dreaded heart of ACHE-LARP.
Now, again, that's actually an amazingly funny mental image.
Ten or fifteen fat guys and two or three very plain women (who mostly hang out with them because it's the one place they'll be treated as totally hot) all getting together in a basement with Cheetos and Mountain Dew and live-action-roleplaying as... like...
People at a CVS.
Role-playing as people who work the counter, the one lonely security guard napping in the back... role-playing as the lady who freaks out that some cosmetic has gone up a dollar in price... role-playing as the teenage girl who is talking on her cell phone very loudly about standing in line with a bunch of losers... role-playing as the greasy dude trying to pass off a photocopy as a hundred dollar bill... role-playing as a jerk who wants to get all Sophomore-Philosophy-Major about the mild inconvenience of a receipt check...
People role-playing Completely Boring Things.
Y-hw-h? Right after the every blogger does a webcomic? Please get on this fad.
DMV larping. Call-centre-job larping. Waiting while your car gets an oil change larping.
Oh man. It would be so awful to do and so funny to watch.
EDIT: "Aw man, I rolled a one on a twelve-sided die! I gotta stand behind the old man who thinks the Photo Girl can explain Medicare Part B to him! Thankfully, I have a Magazine of Gossip that is +4 against Boredom..."
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Are you still on hold? If so, roll against patience to see if you hang up.
Is your customer still holding? If so, roll against apathy to see if you answer. Extra roll against culture to see if you are from India.
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This thread took an abrupt right turn into funny. :D
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This lends itself to a World of Achewood MMORPG.
Computer Programmers, hop to it.
or maybe even a MUD
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My mom just sewed me a perfect replica of a Wal-Mart vest, and I totally printed off a name tag. At the Wal-LARP Bi Mon Con I am totally going to buy a Christmas with the Kranks 2 badge, an official re-pro of the 1992 style :) face badge (totally more authentic than the 1995 version. Totally.), and maybe one of those spray-on cans of the sour smell of loneliness, cat pee and Lean Cuisine.
Can someone please ask me if there are any more Brita filters in the back, even though there are clearly none on the shelf? Because that would be so hott. So hott! That would get me off +4 harder than announcing a Code Adam over the intercom system.
Also, Fooker, I'm going to need to take a look at your receipt please. Did you come in with those gloves?
Oh, I am wet. Down there.
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Hell of can for Smells.
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I hate to admit that I know this, but this was actually a sketch on ***** Chicken. They show a bunch of orcs, elves, etc sitting around a table playing an Office Job RPG. The orc gets a saving throw vs. copier malfunction.
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They show a bunch of orcs, elves, etc sitting around a table playing an Office Job RPG. The orc gets a saving throw vs. copier malfunction.
Really?
Man, just goes to show, Trouser Chicken finds a funny idea and takes it one step past funny.
The FULL Comic Reversal, having D&D monsters RPG an office job, is too much. Too... pat. Too "whoop-zip!" wacky.
But a bunch of people with semi-decent jobs like... college professors or legal secretaries... role playing as the dude who stands around at the back of the CVS, really only doing anything when the lines are super long whereupon he takes over a register only until the line thins out and then goes back to standing in the back, because he's the manager's loser cousin?
That has just enough of a Kaufmanian/Hicksesque whiff of "rampant despair" to cut the aftertaste of "bad improv show" and really brings out the grassy-with-a-hint-of-vanilla "our very humanity dooms us from the start" hilarity notes.
So much of satire is about knowing when it's funny to go 180 degrees on a comedy reversal and when to go... 105 degrees.
Trouser Chicken has pretty much never gotten the distinction. I blame the partial Seth MacFarlane influence.
ALSO: "Oh, I am wet. Down there." You must be refering to the condensation on your frosty new CAN.
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Smells, you rock my small, celf-centered universe. I am quite sure that your existence makes Earth a better place.
On the subject of roleplaying experiences in weird, creepy shame, I am compelled to point out that someone is apparently actually going to release a d20 ("slightly more generic Dungeons & Dragons") supplement based on the modern controversy over abortion. (http://www.quartertothree.com/game-talk/showthread.php?t=32708) Apparently it involves several character classes based on this theme, including "Sidewalk Counselor" (those people who stand on the sidewalk yelling at people going into the clinic, I think?) and "Blogger."
"Blogger."
Truth > Fiction, even such a sublime fiction as Smells's. I weep.
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If "Dungeons and Abortions" ever does come out, I dunno, the "Blogger" character class wouldn't be meta enough for me.
How about "Person Who Responds to Blogs But Never Actually Starts A Blog of Their Own"?
"Oh yeah, well I have a +5 Sig File of Recent Comic Book Crossover! It practically puts my Zeitgeist stat to max!"
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I'm so hot to roll up my "Message Board Lurker" character.
So looking forward to not going to the regular Saturday night game.
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The only LARPing I ever really did was back in high school, fighting with big silly Nerf-like swords and throwing Rock-Paper-Scissors to decide who got what. I don't think I ever did a pencil-and paper RPG.
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You can keep peeling off lawyers - it's lawyers all the way down.
Can'd
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Is it too late to say that I knew that Fooker was kidding? Or wasn't kidding? Or whichever one was true?
I WAS THE TURKEY THE WHOLE TIME!
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I still LARP. I'm a pretty elf female who all the boys are desperately in love with. I am pregnant with my first fantasy half-elf-half-angel-half-demon-half-squid-half-toaster baby, and I wear a pillow and have super powers.
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That's a big baby!