The OFFICIAL Unofficial Achewood Message Board
Trivial Pursuits => Sports & Leisure => Topic started by: melack on January 26, 2007, 04:50:13 am
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With the biggest game of the year a scant ten days away, I think it's time we indulged in one of America's most cherished past times -- prognosticating the results of meaningless sporting events for the purposes of gambling! Will it be Peyton Manning's turn to finally get his ring, thus ending comparisons to Dan Marino, the late great quarterback who could never quite get over the hump? Rest in peace, Dan. Loved you in Ace Ventura. Or will it be Rex Grossman, world-renowned sex cannon, who brings the trophy home, presumably to liquor it up and force it into a bout of savage love-making? ? And will the CBS announcing crew find the time to mention that Colts head coach Tony Dungy (http://www.nflchina.com/images/mediacenter/photo/Tony_Dungy.jpg) looks almost exactly like Soda Popinski of Mike Tyson's Punch-Out (http://home.att.net/~kingraph56/soda.jpg)? Who knows! But that won't stop us from throwing out arbitrary final scores!
My prediction? Colts 27, Bears 21
Thank you, and may God bless America.
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I have zero familiarity with sports. The only thing I know about the Colts is that a lady I work with is from Indiana, and she's happy about the Colts finally making it to the SB. And then I remember something about "Da Bears" on SNL, but it's been a long time.
Do you win Special Money for guessing what the final point outcome is going to be? Is that what Lucchese's Sports Book is all about?
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Bears 74, Cots 21. I have these numbers from the Future.
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I'm sure Jough can rig up a way for the person with the most accurate and/or hilariously implausible score to win a bunch of tiny cans! That or a bunch of Vietnamese sex slaves. Either way, I think we all win. Well, everyone besides the sex slaves.
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Indianapolis A WHOLE LOT, Chicago A LOT.
A team with a really good offense and a pretty eh defense versus a team with a really eh offense and a sometimes really good defense. I just can't buy the idea of Rex Grossman... like, at all. It's not just that I can't buy the idea of Rex Grossman winning the Super Bowl, the entire idea of Rex Grossman is sort of unbelievable.
The dude won the NFC Championship with a competition percentage of, like, 23%. That is less than one complete pass per four downs on average. I realize that sometimes guys run the ball and sometimes there are penalties and so on and... it's an average?
But on average, he throws MAYBE one pass that works per four downs?
That simply should not be. This is just another reason baseball is so much more interesting.
If a pitcher can only get the ball into the catcher's glove only once an at-bat, he is not getting paid to do it.
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I can't quite believe that a man refers to another sports-playing man as a "sex cannon".
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I was going to say "well, his icon is a girl hamburger so maybe he's channeling his horny girl hamburger icon" and then... I looked more closely at his icon and... realized that the hamburger isn't wearing lipstick. Rather, the hamburger has a tiny beard the size and shape of lipsticked lips.
So it is a boy hamburger.
Maybe it is a gay boy hamburger?
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The hamburger is a viking! That is his fiery red beard!
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Uh, colts.
Also, S.C. can complete a pass on one of four downs because he throws the ball deep everytime. No need to pussyfoot around for that brave soldier. Plus, admit it ladies, you get all hot and horny just thinking about those Grossman bombs. You think that would happen on a slant? A fuck*ng SLANT? If the Bears want 5 yards they will run.
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Indianapolis A WHOLE LOT, Chicago A LOT.
A team with a really good offense and a pretty eh defense versus a team with a really eh offense and a sometimes really good defense. I just can't buy the idea of Rex Grossman... like, at all. It's not just that I can't buy the idea of Rex Grossman winning the Super Bowl, the entire idea of Rex Grossman is sort of unbelievable.
The dude won the NFC Championship with a competition percentage of, like, 23%. That is less than one complete pass per four downs on average. I realize that sometimes guys run the ball and sometimes there are penalties and so on and... it's an average?
But on average, he throws MAYBE one pass that works per four downs?
That simply should not be. This is just another reason baseball is so much more interesting.
If a pitcher can only get the ball into the catcher's glove only once an at-bat, he is not getting paid to do it.
It was 42%, which is still not all that great. However, it's better than "less than 1 in 4". He has a higher passer rating through the 2006 playoffs than Peyton does, mostly because he has yet to throw a pick. Throwing the ball on the ground is not as bad as throwing the ball to the other team.
I am a bigger baseball fan as well, but it was sitting over there benevolently and you had to drag it into this. Is a .300 batting average ridiculous? No, it is just something that happens.
Bears 24, Colts 14.
Also, http://actasports.com/sows.php
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I guess I thought the Viking Hamburger's tiny hat was... part of the background.
And your icon was a girl hamburger as denoted by lipstick.
I never questioned it because... y'know... my icon is an obscure minor league sports team, defunct since 1988 and as low on the totem as you could be and still be affiliated with a major league team so... like... I just assumed you had some sort of story behind it and I didn't want to pry.
Many people's icons are boys when they are purported to be girls, girls when they are purported to be boys, leaders of foreign countries being killed when they are purported to be normal people and alive, zoo animals when they are purported to be ladies, etc.
I figured the story of the Lipstick Hamburger would just come forward when you were ready.
I did not want to pressure you, nor did I want to pressure the Lipstick Hamburger.
Which, now of course, makes it all the more awkward to ask the significance of Viking Hamburger.
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Hey, man, the hamburger viking doesn't hold any grudges. He may be a viking, but he's mostly hamburger. Vikings cause death and destruction, but hamburgers only want to make people feel happy. That side wins out every time.
Also: its the album art from an obscure pop-punk band called the Steinways. Never heard the band, but the artist is the guy behind one of my favorite webcomics, Nothing Nice to Say.
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I am not actually an evil robber-baron googly eye, but I thought this went without saying.
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I'll just take this moment to affirm that I am indeed a beer drinking kangaroo.
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Colts 34, Bears 24
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I am me.
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Someone photoshopped an actual loaf of bread and a picture of a cat to look like a cat-bread, which was horrifying. I look nothing like that.
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I predict that I will be too drunk to pay attention and will in the end try to play Settlers of Catan with a pair of nail clippers and a doorstop.
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I have no frickin' idea what's going to happen in this game. On paper, and after watching the conference championship games, it looks like it should be pretty close. But I have a gut feeling that the Bears are going to go out and lay an egg, and we will finally stop hearing how Manning can't win the big one.
Colts 31, Bears 13.
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Colts 30, Bears 22
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Bears can tear colts apart and eat them, but equines can run away fast. Taking the first hits on Google when superficially researching the relative speed of the two animals, bears can run 30 mph and tire easily, hosss can run 50 mph. I therefore vote for the Colts to win, score of 30-50. I have no idea if football scores can even contain those numbers but I have done enough exhausting research for tonight.
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My prediction?
1. The commercials will be more interesting than the game.
B) The halftime show will suuuuuuuuck.
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Has there ever been a halftime show, interesting in any way other than a "trainwreck" quality?
Other than a "weird lady's titty"/"three-dee glasses"/"up with people" clusterfuck kinda way?
I never remember one.
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I kept thinking that this sunday was Superbowl Sunday. It isn't. Dang. I already made my usual "counter-plans" going to see a play on Sunday. Ah well. I guess I'll have to find something interesting to do next Sunday as well.
Thankfully I can always catch the good ads on YouTube now.
I'm probably going to be out and about here in Chicago during the game. If the Bears win I may pop by a few local pubs to enjoy the madness.
In the meantime, everyone in town is doing the superbowl shuffle. They even put a big Bears hat on the Picasso sculpture in Daley Plaza. I have not the words.
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Am I the only person who finds it bizarre that people are excited to see adverts?
A woman that I work with said that she didn't really care about the game, but that she couldn't wait to see some of the ads. That is just weird... "Despite being bombarded with advertising throughout my entire life and each day, I am excited to see what the media circus has dreamed up to convince me to buy their product."
True, I have seen some funny ads in my day. I just think it's weird that some of the most extravagantly funded "creativity" productions are geared to whore products in a consumerist society. Bread and circus, I guess.
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(edit: I am not completely sure why I had posted a rant about wanting to study marketing here. carry on.)
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In the meantime, everyone in town is doing the superbowl shuffle. They even put a big Bears hat on the Picasso sculpture in Daley Plaza. I have not the words.
They put a White Sox cap on it during the world series in 2005.
Re: Halftime shows. I thought the U2 show was great in 2002, but I may be a sap.
Prince is performing this year. He's an incredible performer. They'll probably schmaltz it up, though.
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Bears can tear colts apart and eat them, but equines can run away fast. Taking the first hits on Google when superficially researching the relative speed of the two animals, bears can run 30 mph and tire easily, hosss can run 50 mph. I therefore vote for the Colts to win, score of 30-50. I have no idea if football scores can even contain those numbers but I have done enough exhausting research for tonight.
Any score for a football team is possible as long as it's not 1. There simply can never be a score of 1. If a football team scored 1 for the game, the universe would open up like a great, yawning mouth and inhale until nothing remained. The mouth would then close and cease existence forever, but not before it whispered, "Why... did you... score... one?"
Also: god dang hosss are fast!
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30-50 could come about in a large number of different ways (10 field goals are kind of hard to imagine) - but 3 touchdowns for 21 points and 3 field goals for another 9 would work for the Bears. Six touchdowns, two field goals and a 2-point safety scored by the defense would give the Colts 50.
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www.bearvscolt.com
Funniest Super Bowl preview ever?
I am me.
Dang doggie, hell of low self worth.
(I am trying to make a joke because you have no picture.)
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My only prediction:
There will be no advert in which hoss flatulence is lit afire, therefore the commercials will end in bitter dissapointment for me.
As to the game? I think with two weeks the Colts have all the time they need to break Chicago's secondary up badly on game day. Unless there's chokage.
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Listening to the radio on the way into work, someone on ESPN Radio put it best:
If Manning has a really bad game, the Bears win.
Under nearly any scenario wherein Manning plays near to or above his usual skill, Colts win.
If he gets caught up and distracted by The Big Time and Wiping Out His Legacy Of Choking, that's the only Bears-Win scenario.
And if that scenario comes up on 'em, they'd better take advantage.
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Yeah, I forgot I deleted it. I was making a Beatles reference.
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My new prediction is that these mozzarella sticks sitting in my freezer will not last until Sunday in order to fulfill their original role as super bowl snacks.
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Just watch one of those funniest commercials special with some washed up comedian hosting and it's the same feeling as the Bowl.
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dammit, melack, now I'm totally craving mozzarella sticks.
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Has there ever been a halftime show, interesting in any way other than a "trainwreck" quality?
Other than a "weird lady's titty"/"three-dee glasses"/"up with people" clusterfuck kinda way?
I never remember one.
I suspect it's actually done by committee, but for a while (ie. one night when I was drunk) my dream job was to design and choreograph Super Bowl halftime shows. I tried to come up with a theme for each year; for instance, in 2019 I would commemorate the fiftieth anniversary of the Apollo moon landing by launching an actual rocket from the field into orbit at the end of the show. For 2017 I would do "A Salute to Bolshevism," featuring a live reenactment of the "Odessa Steps" scene from Battleship Potemkin in part of the upper deck.
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Bears 237, Colts half a point
</superfan>
Colts 27, Bears 21
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Bears 237, Colts half a point
</superfan>
Only if Ditka was coaching
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The only thing I give a fuck about is the hope that Prince will play during halftime (http://www.superbowl.com/news/story/9863556). Goddamn, I love him.
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It would be pretty hilarious if, during the half-time performance, Justin Timberlake rushed on stage and "accidentally" ripped off the ass panel from Prince's #####.
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Damn you and your assless jabs at Prince! The man doesn't do that sort of thing anymore! He doesn't even swear anymore, for heaven's sake.
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Does he still kick ass at basketball and then serve pancakes as a consolation prize?
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Does he still kick ass at basketball and then serve pancakes as a consolation prize?
No. He's upgraded to waffles and an omlette bar.
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Odds: 9:7 colts, spread not covered.
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Since I come from a family where I am the only person who even REMOTELY cares about sports, I will not be watching the Super Bowl. Even though I... kinda want to. I don't watch much football but, I mean, it's the Super Bowl.
So I'm dealing with this... really really weird peer pressure from my brother and my girlfriend (my roommates) and my father (who is visiting) where it's like "Oh, only meatheads and idiots watch football, lets go to the La Brea Tarpits on Sunday instead."
As though my passing interest in a football game is, like, a sign of intellectual weakness.
I feel like I'm 14 and being pressured to smoke except... that I'm being told I'm dumb if I wanna watch a football game. The only way I could engage my dad at all on the subject was debating with him who would win in a fight, the largest hoss alive or the largest bear alive.
This was as close as I could get.
I am so painfully weak willed about these things.
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wow, that is so the opposite of my situation. But I suppose that's typical.
I think the big debate on my floor will be: do they watch it in some kid's room, so they can drink beers, or do they watch it downstairs on a bigger TV... where they can't drink.
I might actually watch. I am not sure.
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In our college dormitory floor my senior year... I didn't have a car so I lived in dorms all four years... the RA was a sophomore and I was sort of the de-facto leader of a cabal of broadcast-journalism and TV-Film juniors and seniors who ruled the floor with an iron fist.
A week in, the RA passed out drunk and we stole her key to the emergency fire exit, copied it and created the world's most successful shortcut to the one food court on camps with fast food franchises, like, ever.
From there, it went downhill.
If we watched something on the teevee in the shared lounge, we openly drank except we would put post-its that said "Root Beer" on the bottles as we drank them, just to sort of rub it in to any person who might still believe in the idea of authority.
As much as I disliked a lot of my college experience, Christ, responsibility just wasn't even a word.
I do miss that part.
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Jesus fuck, I nearly forgot about the obligatory 9 hour pre-game show preceding every Super Bowl game. A dude can only take so many mentions of this being the first Super Bowl to be coached by two African-Americans before he has to go do something outside until kickoff.
It's not you, Boomer Esiason. It's me.
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Prediction:
W: Corporate Sponsors and Frozen Foods Provisioners
L: Our Immortal Souls.
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The Puppy Bowl is excellent this year!
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Jesus fuck, I nearly forgot about the obligatory 9 hour pre-game show preceding every Super Bowl game. A dude can only take so many mentions of this being the first Super Bowl to be coached by two African-Americans before he has to go do something outside until kickoff.
It's not you, Boomer Esiason. It's me.
I was a restaurant last night and the bar TV's had on a pre-game show a full 24-hours before kick-off. It had Ditka.
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Prince is killing it with this halftime show. I thought all halftime shows were supposed to be lame as all get out? Either way, I'll take it!
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Oh my god... I just got to see the halftime show. It was SO SHORT! I never wanted it to end!! Prince is amazing. I hope that someone recorded it, or that I'll be able to find a recording somewhere...
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I'm sure it'll be up on YouTube in no time.
Game. Blouses.
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Prince is killing it with this halftime show. I thought all halftime shows were supposed to be lame as all get out? Either way, I'll take it!
Agreed. It only took the NFL 40 years to get a decent half-time show. Don't worry, I'm sure the person responsible has been sacked. We'll be back to nose-picking street dancers or bubblegum pop-tarts this time next year.
Game's not bad either.
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Actually, he wasn't. But now he has. The persons responsible for sacking him have also been sacked.
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The Prince's guitar that's shaped as his symbol and held so one end extends from his crotch to form an image of a c*ck when projected onto the big flowing sheet was the hit of our Super Bowl party.
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I heard Prince had found Jesus and as such was no longer being sexual (or even swearing) in his music. However a crotch-wielded guitar designed to project a phallus onto a sheet... that doesn't sound like something he'd do at a church picnic.
Well, the old, pre-Born-Again Prince would.
I hope to God your tales of Super Bowl Halftime wonder are true.
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yeah, I had heard that he needed a hip replacement, and had become a Jehovah's Witness.
Which in retrospect sounds like bull, but, I believed it at the time.
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It has to be true. I saw it on the Internet.
Although, I have now heard this on the Internet too. Oh dear... what to do?
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I heard Prince had found Jesus and as such was no longer being sexual (or even swearing) in his music. However a crotch-wielded guitar designed to project a phallus onto a sheet... that doesn't sound like something he'd do at a church picnic.
Nah, his album from last year was pretty sexy. After he changed back from the symbol, he decided to get down again. Show was excellent, but I was hoping for more funkier selections and a James Brown cover. Still delivered though.
Game was mediocre, but I won the box for final score and got seventy percent of the pool. !
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Damn, Prince is one of a few who can pull off a c*ck silhouette and be praised by everyone.
That is a rock star.
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So... he's back?!
*overcome with joy*
Now I'm sorry I missed the halftime show. I'm sure it will be on the intarwebs in seconds. Although it won't be the same on a tiny screen. *sigh*
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So... he's back?!
*overcome with joy*
Now I'm sorry I missed the halftime show. I'm sure it will be on the intarwebs in seconds. Although it won't be the same on a tiny screen. *sigh*
Dude, Prince made a major comeback in '04 with Musicology and got back on Billboard. Damn fine album. Prince + Maceo Parker = teh win. Plus, he also has Maceo on his new album, 3121. Check out "Get On The Boat" from iTunes or some other such program.
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The Prince's guitar that's shaped as his symbol and held so one end extends from his crotch to form an image of a c*ck when projected onto the big flowing sheet was the hit of our Super Bowl party.
(http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/6550/107/400/811506/princesuperbowl.jpg)
Prince's show pretty well rocked, yes. Much better than the dreck we're usually treated to. I enjoyed the full marching band.
As for the game... bleah. The first half was interesting, but the second half was all about how lousy Rex Grossman was. Everyone's saying it's vindication for Peyton Manning, but really, he was good but not great. The Bears defense held them to 22 points, and twice in the third quarter held them to field goals when a TD would have been a killer. A competent offense vs. the Colts D really should have been able to overcome that. The Bears had the ball and the opportunity to take the lead as late as 12 minutes to go, but Grossman kept throwing ducks.
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Ducks or no, I'd rather be Manning's kind of hung over right now than Grossman's kind.
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The Bears had the ball and the opportunity to take the lead as late as 12 minutes to go, but Grossman kept throwing ducks.
To be fair to both offenses, it was raining buckets. Gusts of wind, water in the receivers' eyes, and slippery pigskins make the passing game pretty iffy for passes over more than a few yards. The Colts kept their lead simply by keeping their offense on the field. Its surprising they were able to do that against the (rightly) vaunted Bears defense, but short passes and effective running seemed to be the key.
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This is slightly disconcerting: look which talk radio host is weighing in on Poor Little Rex Grossman (http://nfl.aolsportsblog.com/2007/02/07/rush-limbaugh-media-bash-grossman-because-hes-white/).
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It's good to know that someone's there to stand up for extremely wealthy white male athletes, a group left without a voice in our society for so long. Alternately, that it is okay to rag on an athlete for having a bad game as long as he's a minority.