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Trivial Pursuits => Sports & Leisure => Topic started by: Fooker on March 13, 2007, 06:36:12 am
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Knife-shaped flatbread. (insert italian translation)
Literally a piecrust or flatbread dough that is rolled out too thick, perhaps to the height of 1/4", yet topped and placed in the oven. When baked to the point where it is browning but still essentially very warm dough, it is flattened with a sharp kitchen knife in forceful downward smearing motions, not unlike a masonry trowel.
The result is a medley of toppings intermingling with the strata of the dough, flecks of red pepper, chunks of tomato, a spray of basil and parmesan all forming a uniform, flat surface plane.
The 1/6-1/8" thick and considerably wider flatbread is then baked until crisp.
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Cigarette Cake
One of those log cakes with white whipped cream topping, smear peanut butter over one sixth of the cake using the bottom of a ladle.
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I took a can away from you so hard that your number went up instead of down.
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When I
read flipped through pages of Julia Child's Mastering The Art of French Cooking at a friend's house... well, let's just say that you could have posted any number of those techniques, such as the Larding Needle to dress rabbit, and I would have believed that they were fictional gourmet techniques, because who the fuck does that?
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An alcohol drink called the "I Was A Teenage Communist for the FBI".
Extract the essence of marijuana into half-and-half somehow. Probably with steeping and heating.
One part Kaluha, one part decent vodka, one part espresso, three parts essence-in-half-and-half.
Shake over ice, strain and serve with a single coffee bean crushed into dust on top of the drink.
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'Eye of the Needle'
This is a classic serving technique originating in 15th century eastern europe is based on the concept that all good things must involve struggle. The food of choice is surrounded by artistically arranged items that would cause the diner great distress, whether this might be small snapping lizards or the tattered remains of a beloved childhood toy is dependant on your guest and how intimate you wish the experience to be.
For polite society with good friends to aquaintences we can recommend the following good old standbyes:
-A light souffle encrusted lovingly in razor wire.
-A delicious filet mignon with a rabid doberman chained up nearby.
- For the vegan member of the party: A small soy-bacon quiche surrounded by artfully arranged thick blue steaks.
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I can't read this thread. It just brings up too many painful memories of the unrealized Tomorrow Chicken (http://touamb.com/index.php/topic,1739.0.html).
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We'll get there, dammit.
You think Bobby was excited about Tomorrow Chicken, you should have seen him the day I told him the news that Air Greenland was going to start flying out of Baltimore in May, bringing him a step closer to realizing another impossible dream (http://touamb.com/index.php/topic,1733.0.html).
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You will watch a video of a slaughterhouse in a developing nation with a picture in picture box showing your wild boar being cooked by an oily man who wipes sweat from his brow and does not wash his hands.
Then you will be presented with the wild boar on a frozen steel slab.
The boar is cooked perfectly to your liking and seasoned with the finest herbs and presented with a wide array of your favorite sauces.
When you take your first bite you hear the sound of a gun shot and an animal crying and moaning. Finally when you take your last bite you hear a whimper and a thud.
Then the waitstaff and oily man sing you happy birthday while holding pictures of your mother in tender moments of your childhood.
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man, are you french or something? that captures it perfectly.
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You will watch a video of a slaughterhouse in a developing nation with a picture in picture box showing your wild boar being cooked by an oily man who wipes sweat from his brow and does not wash his hands.
Then you will be presented with the wild boar on a frozen steel slab.
The boar is cooked perfectly to your liking and seasoned with the finest herbs and presented with a wide array of your favorite sauces.
When you take your first bite you hear the sound of a gun shot and an animal crying and moaning. Finally when you take your last bite you hear a whimper and a thud.
Then the waitstaff and oily man sing you happy birthday while holding pictures of your mother in tender moments of your childhood.
Holy crap but you get a can for that.
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This is a work of sheer mastery.
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Isn't this more of a presentation technique however?
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You will watch a video of a slaughterhouse in a developing nation with a picture in picture box showing your wild boar being cooked by an oily man who wipes sweat from his brow and does not wash his hands.
Then you will be presented with the wild boar on a frozen steel slab.
The boar is cooked perfectly to your liking and seasoned with the finest herbs and presented with a wide array of your favorite sauces.
When you take your first bite you hear the sound of a gun shot and an animal crying and moaning. Finally when you take your last bite you hear a whimper and a thud.
Then the waitstaff and oily man sing you happy birthday while holding pictures of your mother in tender moments of your childhood.
Beat it, Chris.
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oh my god, yes. That is why... yes.
Beat it, Chris.
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oh my god, yes. That is why... yes.
PUNCH the keys, for god's sake!
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I was saying that A-CAP being Chris Onstad makes everything make sense. that was the concept.
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One prepares pasta, then heats milk over medium heat, and stirs in any available yellow cheese, such as Cheddar or a Jack blend, grated. Then one adds a good sized handfull of Sargento pre-shredded Mozzarella & Provolone blend, with the hopes that it will add positively to the mix.
The cheeses and milk are slowly cooked down, while the Sargento blend becomes gluey and runs in ribbons from the stirring spoon when lifted. Then, the pasta is mixed in and stirred.
Defying the laws of physics, the stirring of the pasta will in fact cause the Sargento cheeses to form one single mass, instead of distributing among the pasta pieces. Further hand manipulation of the cheese, lifted from the saucepan, will reveal that it has assumed the texture and color of raw pizza dough.
At this point the chef draws a small Remington revolver and shoots himself, after artfully arranging the cheese-dough on the countertop. His blood spatters it in gentle spurts, as his body slumps to the floor.
In the distance, you hear the sound of three hands clapping.
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I am familiar with this method. Only the last time I went to Chuckee-Cheeses they first rolled out this TV looking device and you watched this scene play out. Then when it when it was over they rolled away the TV device only for you to discover it was in fact only a glass window and the body of the man lays at your feet.
HAPPY BIrTHDAY!
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The bone pulls out of the drumstick
to reveal a blade hidden in the meat;
the bone is the handle.
OOOOOOOHHHHHHH SSSSHHHIIIIITTTTT!
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You boil several sparrow's eggs in mercury for precisely 4 minutes. You shell them and combine the eggs with freshly prepared mayonnaise and diced pickled lark's tongue. You spread this mix on crusty sourdough bread and sprinkle chopped chives on top. You present it at table, and then a short swarthy man enters your home and punches you in the heart, killing you instantly.
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I am noticing a disturbing trend.
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After reading a bunch of Williams Sonoma catalogues, I came up with this recipe. I'm not sure if this has been attempted before, but it was a fun idea that I had.
Stitched Chicken with Dancing Skeletons.
Using the appropriate Wüsthof knife, debone two whole chickens, reserving the bones. Set the meat to marinate in a brine solution for at least 12 hours under refrigeration. Using wire and an awl to connect the bones, reconstruct each chicken skeleton and set aside.
Prepare the marinated twine: Soak 6 yards of cook's twine in a solution of balsamic vinegar, olive oil, cracked pepper, and minced Anaheim chilies.
Remove the chicken from the brine after at least 12 hours and drain. Pat dry with paper towels. Using the marinated cook's twine, stitch the two flaps of meat together, adding final embroidery on top with the cook's initials.
Preheat the oven to 425ºF. Place the dry chicken skeletons in a separate uncovered dish and bake alongside the main dish. For the main dish, arrange the stitched chicken in a covered, soaked clay pot on a bed of chopped vegetables (potatoes, carrots, and onions) at 425ºF for 20 minutes. Reduce the heat to 350°F and roast until an instant-read thermometer registers 170ºF, 50 to 60 minutes more. Transfer the chicken to a carving board, cover loosely with aluminum foil and let rest for 10 minutes before carving. Before serving, slice open one side of the meat and insert one of the chicken skeletons, reserving the second skeleton for garnish. Alternatively, using ribbons and garland, tie the two chicken skeletons together in a festive dancing manner and use as a centerpiece.
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it was a fun downright terrifying idea that I had.
Good show.
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You know, linnea, I read that and basically thought Eraserhead. Doc's right.
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See, what I like about that is that you could totally do it, too, if you were sufficiently morbid and had the skillz. I could picture that being served at a real table, and because of that it's way more disturbing than technique ideas involving cooking lark's uvulas in bromine aspic while a midget punches you in the groin.
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Success
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Heh! Thank you, everyone. I was reading Fooker's thread and thinking, what would I really like to do in the kitchen. This could be a fun dissection/embroidery project.
I've always wanted to prepare a Turducken, but I have no idea how to debone anything, let alone THREE birds. I thought about the Turducken recipe and how I could make it more disturbing. Voila - stitch the flaps of meat together. Hmmm...what could we use to stitch them? What about marinated cook's twine created especially for this project? Perfect. And then a monogrammed flap of meat...well, that just sounded too "morbid Martha Stewart" to pass up, so it got included.
One of the things that worried me about the Turducken recipes was...where do the bones go? It would be neat if they were presented alongside the finished dish. Also, what are you gonna do for twelve hours while the chicken brines, other than something hella boring like SLEEP? Wouldn't it be cool to have an assignment to reconstruct a skeleton while the chicken flaps marinate? That would be a great anatomy/physiology assignment.
Also, you have to bake the skeletons to kill any pathogens and to make them safe to put inside/on top of the cooked main dish, so I included that.
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it's way more disturbing than technique ideas involving cooking lark's uvulas in bromine aspic while a midget punches you in the groin.
Hey, I know I'm not good at this shit, I just wanted to be part of the group.
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Tandoori Funeral
Use a modified cremation furnace (lower temperatures please!) to cook tandoori chicken and naan bread while the family of the deceased waits for the remains. When everything is cooked nicely, the tandoori meal is served while the ashes are presented in an urn. Warning: Lower temperatures may result in incomplete cremation. Make sure that chicken comes from a bird, not a mammal!
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Remember to stitch the deboned chicken flaps together in the form of a giant wallet if you're going to monogram them.