The OFFICIAL Unofficial Achewood Message Board
Achewood => Achewood => Topic started by: Cap'n Squeakers on January 04, 2008, 11:15:23 pm
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http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01042008 (http://achewood.com/index.php?date=01042008)
I guess Onstad is still suffering the sleepy effects of too much Christmas pork roast. This strip, as with the other new year's offerings, feel a bit phoned-in to me. Although I do like the title "When Mayors Aren't Enough"; it sounds like a bad Roger Moore James Bond movie from 1982.
Uh, sorry about the "$" instead of "4" in the subject. I blame my own penchant for the pork roasts.
**side_show edit: fixed that for ya.**
**V EDIT: Added permalink. We talked about this!**
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Yeah, I'm not a fan of this one, but what about about Matthew McConaughey - is he a topic which children should, or should not know about?
My vote is that Matthew McConaughey should not be explained to children. Also Britney Spears.
More importantly, what are more things children should not know about?
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More importantly, what are more things children should not know about?
I am petitioning the local school-board to stop the teaching of such topics as:
- Korean food
- The wankel rotary engine
- Oralingus
- The musicals of Andrew Lloyd Weber
- N girls, M cups
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I am petitioning the local school-board to stop the teaching of such topics as:
If the schools don't teach the kids about the Wankel Rotary Engine, they'll have to resort to learning about it via Monty Python. Do you really want that?
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Matthew McConaughey's character in "Dazed and Confused" is scientifically proven to hasten ovular and menstrual maturity in girl-children upon repeated exposure. Lord knows what he would do to a pretend boy otter who believes that he can knock up a flower.
He is sort of the Chuck Norris of sexuality, you see.
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Matthew McConaughey's character in "Dazed and Confused" is scientifically proven to hasten ovular and menstrual maturity in girl-children upon repeated exposure. Lord knows what he would do to a pretend boy otter who believes that he can knock up a flower.
He is sort of the Chuck Norris of sexuality, you see.
WHERES THE LINKY?
In other news, LFM has a hard on for matthew mcconaughey.
And everyone knows Nabu is the chuck norris of sexuality.
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Dude, I'm sorry... ascribe away all you like but... I can't be gay for you, dude.
Ain't in me, just ain't into the dudes.
I can never be your James Carville, no matter how you wish it so. haha.
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Is anyone else fairly troubled by the idea of gladiator addiction and mayor fascination? Oh, Philippe, you mentally retarded five-year-old otter-alien from the future, never stop being yourself.
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Children should know to update their webcomics in the morning, not disorientingly after dinner East Coast time.
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The wankel engine and its modern rotary derivatives should be taught in every class in america, In between Economics lessons. I had to wait until AP Calculus before a teacher would talk to me about the Wankel. Ive wanted a Mazda RX7 ever since.
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I thought that after the holiday break things would finally fall into a tangible arc, but no.
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Nobody ever taught me about the wankel. I had to figure it out for myself, late at night, behind closed doors.
Wait, what?
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Children should know to update their webcomics in the morning, not disorientingly after dinner East Coast time.
I agree, but apparently Onstad now has a "24 hour rule".
Furthermore,
I am petitioning the local school-board to stop the teaching of such topics as:
- The musicals of Andrew Lloyd Weber
My school made us learn about these in Grade Eight, and I must say I agree completely.
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My school made us learn about these in Grade Eight, and I must say I agree completely.
Bruce McCullogh did all his acid in Grade Eight.
Should I connect the dots on this one?
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So in middle school I had an interest in Broadway musicals. (I still do, but that was when this experience took place.)
Any elective activity I signed up for in middle school years that had Broadway in the name would be the same thing, whether at school, at camp, at extracurricular activities, whatever, would be the same thing: an endless sea of off-key "sopranos" forcing their voices as high as they would go, one tenor (different guy in each place, each of them kind of snotty and an absolute queen), and one baritone (me) with no singing parts being barraged by whatever the godawful soprano stuff in Phantom is and godawful I Dreamed A Dream. I hate that song. I hate I Dreamed A Dream so god damned hard that if it were possible within the constraints of the physical laws of the universe for a song to explode and catch fire on the basis of one man hating it that song would be smoldering fragments on the interstate. I want to stab that song. Maybe it would be good with an actual performer but when I hear the opening words the warbly preteens come crashing down upon me and I can't withstand it.
So basically while I am 100% in favor of removing Webber from our educational system I have to suggest an amendment that also includes Les Miserables.
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I think I say something like this whenever a strip gets a few 'mehs' but still has merit. They really can't all be knee-slappers. Really. Since most newspaper comics pages suck these days, and the comics themselves aren't (generally -- there are exceptions) better, I'm pretty sure most of us read printed serialized comics in collected form. This is a very forgiving way to read. Flipping through an old Calvin & Hobbes book, you can read 4 nice but not hilarious strips in a row before you get to that one where he shaves his head, and the whole experience rings with hilarity. Even on the newspaper page, if Get Fuzzy isn't too great today, maybe Beetle Baily is especially gay and that makes up for it. But when you have one comic strip sitting by its lonesome on a web page, it's under a lot of specific scrutiny. Especially if you are going for much needed distraction at your office job, rather than a leisurely reading over coffee or in your armchair / on your toilet with a dogeared book. You need more out of that one comic, and it's the only one there.
Truth is, more than half of Far Sides, Bloom Counties, Calvin & Hobbes, Peanuts, Doonesburys, (your favorite daily) aren't hilarious. Almost none of them are as great as your few favorites. The 15 best Achewoods from 2004 make 2004 look great. And this gets compared to the last 4 or 5 comics of whatever arbitrary week you happen to be in. It isn't really fair to the current comic.
Anyway, as for this one... these books may answer Phillipe's questions, but they really only create new ones for us.
Also: I really love Phillipe. The idea of a tyke being raised by a scatterbrained billionaire and his stoned friends is pretty wonderful. It should be tried in real life.
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Bruce McCullogh did all his acid in Grade Eight.
Me... I'm a heroin pig. I just gobble it up.
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Also: I really love Phillipe. The idea of a tyke being raised by a scatterbrained billionaire and his stoned friends is pretty wonderful. It should be tried in real life.
With the current writer's strike, I really wouldn't rule this out as a reality show.
I want to see a reality show like "American Inventor," but where all the contestants pitch ideas for reality shows, and the winner gets a budget to produce a new show, which will then be aired on the same station. It's like buy-one-get-one-free for the networks.
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I hate I Dreamed A Dream so god damned hard that if it were possible within the constraints of the physical laws of the universe for a song to explode and catch fire on the basis of one man hating it that song would be smoldering fragments on the interstate. I want to stab that song. Maybe it would be good with an actual performer but when I hear the opening words the warbly preteens come crashing down upon me and I can't withstand it.
One of the sublime joys of my life was hearing & watching a hated junior-high enemy of mine sing "You Light Up My Life", as tears of humiliation streamed down his face.
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Today we learned that Jaydub hated the fuck out of some people in Junior High. Fuck you SHANNON, FUCK YOU!
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I learned the concept of catch-22 in Jr High: I had spent the previous 6 years living in Oz as "the foreign kid", only to return to the land of my birth to be called "the foreign kid". Along with being in the 15th percentile for height, having enormous chiclet buck teeth, being a gymnast, and having a preference for reading over watching Dukes of Hazzard, there was ample ammunition for my detractors.
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With the current writer's strike, I really wouldn't rule this out as a reality show.
I want to see a reality show like "American Inventor," but where all the contestants pitch ideas for reality shows, and the winner gets a budget to produce a new show, which will then be aired on the same station. It's like buy-one-get-one-free for the networks.
What if someone used that on the show!?
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They'd be disqualified, because it's obviously been done before.
Or will have been done before.
Of course.
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Today we learned that Jaydub hated the fuck out of some people in Junior High. Fuck you SHANNON, FUCK YOU!
Does anyone not hate the fuck out of some people in Junior High?
(Hey, Bernard? Ryan Middle School, seventh grade in '96-'97? I still remember you, you nasty little man. I still hate you inside.)
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I was too socially oblivious to hate people, I think.
Maybe this one kid, but...
yeah, OK, I hated him. He was a dick. It was weird because he was not some random tormenter, he was this obnoxious proto-homo-kid that convinced the people I am now friends with that I was lame. Or at least, that's how I understood it at the time... in retrospect, I was pretty weird and lame. And not OK at talking to girls, which is weird considering all of my friends in elementary school were always girls until I moved to Charlotte in 3rd grade.
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When I moved over Christmas break in the seventh grade, a couple of kids decided they were going to hate me. Absolutely hate me. I had no reason why. My middle school years were pretty lonely to begin with, from having moved in the middle of the year from out in the country into the suburbs and not being used to it. Not to mention being really quiet and smart. Later in life, I reflected and realized that none of the popular kids really like the ringleader of Hatin' On 'Haus group either. So he was just picking on me because there was no one else for him to pick on. In high school, we both became more well-liked, and in senior year we were decent enough friends.
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Does anyone not hate the fuck out of some people in Junior High?
(Hey, Bernard? Ryan Middle School, seventh grade in '96-'97? I still remember you, you nasty little man. I still hate you inside.)
I would probably fill an entire notebook, Columbine-style, if I listed all the people that I hated from school. It would be totally counterproductive, and it would make me have to go furiously clean firearms until I googled the top 5 assholes, and then my life would be over.
Seriously, the shit those kids did was like something outta Lord of the Flies. It was awful. I am still a tiny bit angry at my parents for refusing to let me attend another school. Finally in high school I changed drastically (got really skinny, dyed my hair black, and wore punk clothes) and started to fight back. The abuse ended for good when I scared a jock really badly one day. They were throwing spit balls while our English teacher was late to class. One of them hit me on the upper lip. Inside, I was terrified. I wanted to cry and run away because the horribleness of junior high had followed me to high school, and I was afraid that I'd never outrun it.
Then something inside me snapped. A badass version of me picked me up by the ear and hauled me over towards their group. I picked one at random, it didn't matter whom I chose.
I grabbed his collar and pulled his face about one inch from mine. Then I started SCREAMING everything I could remember from Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs. I just started screaming, and he was terrified.
It was almost too perfect.
Shaking with rage, I continued to scream until his entire group fell silent. If I had been a dude, this would have totally backfired, but since I was a girl, the plan worked beautifully. They never fucked with me ever again.
I'm going to go pet my cats now, and then wash up and go to bed. Fuck the negativistic haters. Fuck them right in the eye.
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YOU KNOW WHAT "LIKE A VIRGIN" IS ABOUT, MOTHERFUCKER!? IT'S ABOUT A GIRL fuck*ng A GUY WITH A BIG DICK! SHE'S A REGULAR FUCK MACHINE-- DICK, DICK, DICK, DICK, DICK, DICK DICK. BUT THEN SHE MEETS THIS NEW GUY-- HE'S LIKE CHARLES BRONSON IN "THE GREAT ESCAPE". THIS GUY IS TUNNELING THAT SHIT OUT! IT HURTS, MAN! HUGE DICK! ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT! OH MAN, I SHOT MARVIN IN THE FACE! I LOVE YOU PUMPKIN!
I would be afraid of you too.
also, I definitely would have a crush on punky high-school linnea. in High School I was even worse than I am now about thinking that every girl with dyed hair or punky clothes was the coolest ever. And you're actually a nice, interesting person, so, we totally would have been buddys.
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I would be afraid of you too.
I was trying to get at all the cussing in those films with that example. I didn't start screaming lines from the movies. More like trying to evoke the same stunned reaction when Jules is screaming at the guys who were trying to hoodwink Marcellus Wallace.
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And not OK at talking to girls
So, I was talking to someone the other day when I came to the realization that I've never asked a girl out, or propositioned a lady for sex. That's a weird realization to have.
I totally wasted my college years.
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So, I was talking to someone the other day when I came to the realization that I've never asked a girl out, or propositioned a lady for sex.
Well, neither have I.
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That was one of the weird realizations when I broke up with the Gentleman Caller -- "oh, man, I have been seeing this guy so long that I spent all of college and most of high school not dating. Oh, crap, what a waste. I should have broken up with him earlier." (At least, that is what the crass side of me said. The non-crass side was more like "oh god, what do I do? I'm 24 -- will I ever be loved again?! WOE AND RUIN")
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Well, uhm, maybe you should listen to your crass side more, then.
Your crass side is definitely a lot more right, it seems.
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Our crass sides seem to always have our own singular best interests at heart, it seems. That's why they're the crass side.
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Also: I just now, three days later, figured out what "the tell-tale arrow" was. Christ, I'm dense.
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Also: I just now, three days later, figured out what "the tell-tale arrow" was. Christ, I'm dense.
For years I thought it was a smile. Then I finally realized it was an arrow pointing from A to Z. It was kind of like first noticing the arrow in the FedEx logo.
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For years I thought it was a smile. Then I finally realized it was an arrow pointing from A to Z.
Can't it be both?
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No. That's crazy talk.
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That was one of the weird realizations when I broke up with the Gentleman Caller -- "oh, man, I have been seeing this guy so long that I spent all of college and most of high school not dating. Oh, crap, what a waste. I should have broken up with him earlier." (At least, that is what the crass side of me said. The non-crass side was more like "oh god, what do I do? I'm 24 -- will I ever be loved again?! WOE AND RUIN")
You didn't miss out on much - really it's for the best to skip as much awkward, sloppy kissing as possible. In the end you've had less of someone else's saliva on your chin and fewer uncomfortable moments of running into someone on the street who you lied to to get away from when you were too young to communicate your needs. That's all. 24 is the best age to date - it is when I found real love and developed some of the strongest platonic relationships too. You are the right age to actually know what you like and to not put up with unnecessary bullshit. You have lots of time - the years between 24 & 30 are the hardest and the best as far as I'm concerned.