The OFFICIAL Unofficial Achewood Message Board
Trivial Pursuits => Wild Card => Topic started by: Bobby Isosceles on January 09, 2010, 11:47:08 pm
-
After reading this link (http://www.topless*****.com/2010/01/fan_fiction_friday_wolverine_cyclops_and_jean_grey.php), I was convinced that I had found the worst writing on the Intertubes. What I found was not what I had expected.
The bad news is that this is absolutely intentional. A short perusal of the author's page (http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2194474/ComicsNix) showed that he had churned out roughly one of these "stories" a day since the New Year, and that the misspellings were too varied to be accidental, and that occasionally he or she would slip out of character and use a term that he or she should not have known.
The good, nay, GREAT news is that this person has executed a nearly flawless parody/pastiche of bad fanfic. It is a reminder why fanfic is kind of dumb to begin with and how bad writing, especially bad fanfic, is absolutely the worst writing out there.
Without further ado, I present you with: Batman in the Bowels of Hell. (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5648476/1/Batman_In_the_Bowels_of_Hell) If you can make it through this piece without laughing out loud hysterically, you have problems. If you can make it through this piece without laughing out loud at all, please see a doctor as you may in fact be dead.
And if you wipe the tears out of your eyes, I would also suggest these (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5637966/1/Tears_The_Wolverine_and_Jean_Last_Story) two pieces (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5631661/1/The_Pain_of_Jean_Gray_and_Logan), the former of which has the greatest last paragraph of any writing ever, and the latter includes this line:
As Logan went with the fuck*ng, he bited another piece of chicken with his bare teeth. It was so delicious he even forgot Jean was kneeling on the ground pleasuring his animal side. That was a nice piece of chicken for sure, even if it was cold and a bit rotten, 'cause that shack haven't been used for a long time. Who lived there Logan asked for himself. Who knows, but the chair was made with mohagany. Actually, it was a bit strange a shack in the middle of a park.
This is, hands down, a work of ART. Whomever this is has made a magnum opus of comic genius, and the purest essence of LOL. I have subscribed to his or her RSS feed with the hope that each successive work can be better than the last.
-
I wish batman would did orgie to me.
-
I wish batman would did orgie to me.
(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_z2KTCnsL_w8/SfxqbfdLi0I/AAAAAAAACdM/OW-wvZuM7no/s1600/GW%2Bcat%2Bmask.jpg)
-
Fantasitc stuff.
You ocne hada go at me for writing someAChewood fanfic twas 4 the lulz?
-
Joker c*ck got vvery big. 30 inches and ahalf, full of veins and no hair, just like the likes of Batgirl. Her nipples got very hard and when Joker toched them, milk started to flow.
“You're lactating Batgirl!!!! You're pregnant!!!”!
“Yes, but not with a baby. It's lust!!!”
Joker liked and pressed the nipples. A lot milky got out and Joker opened the mouth of his and started to drink.
“You milk is bittersweet!!!!”
“Sorry, I'm menstruating...”
Joker them went to the bloody pussy. It was full of worms and bacteria, because batgirl turned hippie, and got no bath the past three weeks. It was full of granola, because it was healthy. Joker went with his mouth to pussy and starteds to eat the granola. It wa a bit rotten, but got a fine flavor of womans sweat with fly's egg.
Batgirl picked yogurt nerby and poured on her belly, and it got on her pussy too. Joker chocked. The yogurt entered his nostrils.
“You bitch Batgirl!!!!”
“Fuck you Joker!!!”
She them spread the yougurt for all her body, to the arms and the the armpits. Joker the went to the armpits and started to lick them, felling the yogurt flavor and a tuft of hair Batgirl never shaved since her debut ball. Incredibly, her armhole was very clean, well, comparing to the rest of her body, bewcause it was full of barnacles and crawlers. Joker liked. He was living on barnacles at Arkan last year. The food was very bad.
”Joker, stop with the preliminary, got to the full frontal fuck!!!!!” shouted Batgirl. She was aroused. Joker them put his thirty inched dong inside batgirl and started the thrusting. It was very slow, because it was very heavy. Joker had problems when he was a kid. When he played soccer with the other kids, his dong shaked and trembled franticaly. It was an almost separareted entity, living on his own conduct, getting hard when Joker was less than pensive. “Shttiy dong!!!” he always thought. When he was the goalkepper everyone aimed to the dong and blam, semen exploded from his member all over the field. Those kids really liked a snow feast every now and then.
“Joker, go faster, I fell like a slug is in my pussy. It doesn't even tickle!!” Joker god mad and tripled his sppeed. Bagirl them moaned like a koala, moving her legs like a kangaroo jumping in the hot desert plains of Austria.
“OHHHH JOKER, YOU ARE GOOD!!!!!!” moaned higher batgirl, as the menstruation blood got forced from her pu$$y. The blood got all over Joker's face and he licked it, even with the cannelures and sea sponges.
“Don't stop, don't sopt!!!!”
“I never will my love!!!!”
Joker recline himself over Batgirl to kiss her. But she refuse:
“Look you mouth you shit!!! It's full of blood and shit over it, wake up and smell the coffee!!!” (http://Joker c*ck got vvery big. 30 inches and ahalf, full of veins and no hair, just like the likes of Batgirl. Her nipples got very hard and when Joker toched them, milk started to flow.
“You're lactating Batgirl!!!! You're pregnant!!!”!
“Yes, but not with a baby. It's lust!!!”
Joker liked and pressed the nipples. A lot milky got out and Joker opened the mouth of his and started to drink.
“You milk is bittersweet!!!!”
“Sorry, I'm menstruating...”
Joker them went to the bloody pussy. It was full of worms and bacteria, because batgirl turned hippie, and got no bath the past three weeks. It was full of granola, because it was healthy. Joker went with his mouth to pussy and starteds to eat the granola. It wa a bit rotten, but got a fine flavor of womans sweat with fly's egg.
Batgirl picked yogurt nerby and poured on her belly, and it got on her pussy too. Joker chocked. The yogurt entered his nostrils.
“You bitch Batgirl!!!!”
“Fuck you Joker!!!”
She them spread the yougurt for all her body, to the arms and the the armpits. Joker the went to the armpits and started to lick them, felling the yogurt flavor and a tuft of hair Batgirl never shaved since her debut ball. Incredibly, her armhole was very clean, well, comparing to the rest of her body, bewcause it was full of barnacles and crawlers. Joker liked. He was living on barnacles at Arkan last year. The food was very bad.
”Joker, stop with the preliminary, got to the full frontal fuck!!!!!” shouted Batgirl. She was aroused. Joker them put his thirty inched dong inside batgirl and started the thrusting. It was very slow, because it was very heavy. Joker had problems when he was a kid. When he played soccer with the other kids, his dong shaked and trembled franticaly. It was an almost separareted entity, living on his own conduct, getting hard when Joker was less than pensive. “Shttiy dong!!!” he always thought. When he was the goalkepper everyone aimed to the dong and blam, semen exploded from his member all over the field. Those kids really liked a snow feast every now and then.
“Joker, go faster, I fell like a slug is in my pussy. It doesn't even tickle!!” Joker god mad and tripled his sppeed. Bagirl them moaned like a koala, moving her legs like a kangaroo jumping in the hot desert plains of Austria.
“OHHHH JOKER, YOU ARE GOOD!!!!!!” moaned higher batgirl, as the menstruation blood got forced from her pu$$y. The blood got all over Joker's face and he licked it, even with the cannelures and sea sponges.
“Don't stop, don't sopt!!!!”
“I never will my love!!!!”
Joker recline himself over Batgirl to kiss her. But she refuse:
“Look you mouth you shit!!! It's full of blood and shit over it, wake up and smell the coffee!!!”)
best ever
-
Awww, dude, you had to go and bring that IN here?
-
[[dryheave]]
-
...because Batgirl turned hippie.
Certainly.
-
What I did just then was the equivalent of the time my mate was showing people Meatspin in an IT lesson. It was there on his PC, but it wasn't out in the public domain as such, only those wanting to see what the fuss was about would take a cursory glance before retreating either screaming or giggling.
That is like when we only had the link in this thread.
He then went on the teacher's PC while said teacher was out for a smoke and put Meatspin on the wall-size projector. Suddenly all-consuming unavoidable c*ck malarkey was all about and very unwelcome.
That is like when I posted the text from the link in this thread.
Sorry.
-
it is so much easier to not-read text than it is to not-stare at... a man being penetrated anally while his c*ck flops around in a circular motion, to the strains of "you spin me right round, baby, right round." though.
-
it is so much easier to not-read text than it is to not-stare at... a man being penetrated anally while his c*ck flops around in a circular motion, to the strains of "you spin me right round, baby, right round." though.
I have to disagree.
Once you read the first line of that text it undeniably sucks you in. It is designed to keep you reading despite the horrors your mind manufactures.
Meatspin is definitely a 'is that.. christing fuck it is SKIDMORE YOU ARE SUCH A PRICK' -look away until the 30ft c*ck is gone- thingmabob.
It's like a nuclear bomb vs living next to a radiation dump
Christ my metaphors are fuck*ng OFF today
-
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5667740/1/Batman_and_Robocop_The_Day_the_Men_Found_Love
GENIUS
this man is GENIUS
Batman looked down, thought a bit, and understood:
“You, shit hippie, told me that you taught them the hippie away of life, didn't you?”
“Yes”
“This is elementary my dear smelly, disease laden, inintelligent animal's friend. The hippie way of life means peace, love and and a meat-free regimen. These zombies only eat vegetables.”
The hippie understood, looked down, clenched his hands, looked up and uttered:
“NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”
“And there's more. My friend here only eats car-oil, I eat bats and rats. But you three, I believe, are full of delicious fruits, green plants and muesli inside your stomachs.”
The three hippies looked one another in horror. The zombies looked one another in joy. Now they're going to eat good and healthy food. The undead started to move in the hippies direction. They were encircled and couldn't escape. Oliver was the first, ripping the lead hippie belly and opening it's stomach with his own nails. The hippie bowels fell on the ground, and it was stuffed with delicious grass. But the zombies didn't want to eat, because there's blood.
“Don't be afraid zombies”, said Robocop, “Their blood is full of vitamin and minerals. The iron is good for your heart.”
The zombies smilled and started to eat the three hippies alive, drinking all of their blood, eating the bones and licking the skin. They only left intact the meat, because it is sin.
-
*stands up* *looks around*
*clap*
*clap*
*clap*
*clap*
*clap*
-
So what is the joke here, that they can write fan fiction that is bad as fan fiction?
-
So what is the joke here, that they can write fan fiction that is bad as fan fiction?
That they can write a venomous pastiche of bad fan fiction that is spot-on, with a few inside jokes to those who know this is the next Andy Kaufman. Basically, like Onstadt's latest strip about Facebook and Twitter.
-
More. (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5674909/1/Bella_Swan_Pregnant_and_Furious)
Devil sneered and said:
“Fuck you!!! AHAHAHAHAH!!! ” and BROM! Devil returned to hell. Bella put her hand on her belly and felt an idiot, but she must save the baby for now. The time returned to it's normal pace, and a band of thousands ninjas appeared in the room:
“Bella, Bella, Bella...give me the unborn and go away, so we can savour his baby boneeeees!” said the leader ninja.
“Never, you have to eat me first!” said Bella, as she charges in the ninja direction. She them jumps on his shoulders and do a backflip on the air, grabbing a chandelier.
“Now ninjas, fell the wrath of a preggo!!!!” and Bella jumps from the chandelier and kicks the ninja in the face.
“AHHHHH!!” he is thrown away. The other ninjas wield their weapons and charge in Bella's direction. They start to slash the swords, but she deflects them with kicks. But there are too many, so she do a spinning kick, throwing all of them on the ground. The only way to escape is deep inside the evil baby clothes shop, because the front door is locked, so she goes in and goes down the stairs. The maniac ninjas start to follow her throwing shurinkens, but she dodges and pick some of them in the air.
“Oh, a strange mirror!” Bella says, “I think it's a portal, I shall enter and free myself from these scums!” and Bella enters the portal mirror. But the ninjas are still chasing her, and they enter in the mirror too. The mirror transports Bella to a harbour, were pirates drink and sleep with whores.
A pirate sees Bella and shout:
“Look! A pregnant! Let's fuck her while the baby is inside!” and a mob of thousands of pirates, swinging swords starts to chase Bella.
“Oh my God! The pirates are chasing me! I must escape or I'll be raped!” and Bella throw shurikes at the pirates, hitting some of them in the head. The pirates hit by shurikens them explodes in a thousand ribs splashing blood all over the sea and the docks. But the other pirates are vicious and continues the chase.
However, the ninjas appears from the magical mirror and see the pirates:
“Look!” shout the ninja leader, “Pirates! Let's disembowel these bastards and serve them to our pet bulls!” and the ninjas charge in the pirates direction. The pirates them pull their guns from their belts and start to shoot ninjas, killing many.
“Dirty sailors!” shout the pirate leader, “Kill the ninjas and serve them as octopuss dinner!” and the slaying and beheading continues between the dirty and scoudrels. Bella is throwing shurinkens all over the directions and them, she steal a pirate sword and cut the pirates and ninjas in half.
Later:
. But with all that noise, a bunch of hindu zombies residing inside the ship awakes. They invoke the power of Shiva and start to throw flame balls at the ninjas and pirates and Bella. Ninjas get toasted and pirates get burned, but Bella deflects the flame bolts with her ninja katana and pirate rusty tetanic sword. She them slash and cuts and dismember a lot of zombies, killing ninjas and pirates too. But the fire thrown by zombies inside Kraken's belly irritates him, and he starts to fell bad.
As the fight ensues, the Kraken can't stand anymore irritation in his stomach, because he have ulcers, and he sneezes the ship full of people and undead out of his body with a giant splash of cattarh. The ship them flies over the skies because it has giant angel wings, because it was a present from God to Leonardo da Vinci. However, the indian hindu zombies stole the ship and it never reached it's destiny. But with so much jinx the zombies and ship got swallowed by Kraken. Now they are free, but God is not happy. He sees from the heavens the flying ship with zombies and pirates and ninjas and Bella, so He decides to recover his big treasure, sending thousands and thousands of angels.
The angels them start to go down, diving with their wings and attacking with swords and arrows and bows all the people fighting in the vessel. Ninjas shoot shurinkens in angels. Pirates shoots them with guns. Zombies eat their brains and Bella cut their wings off with her two swords. She them pick one pair of wings of an angel and puts on her back, so she starts to fly and fight with the angels in the air. The angels are furious and shout:
“You earthly garbage!!!!! Die by our fuck*ng holy swords!!!” and they cut a lot of people, but get killed very fast because they don't have armor.
And still later:
“Bella, you made a pact, you owe me your soul!” coughing blood and trembling with pain.
“Yes Satan!” cries out loud Bella, “fell my soul in your ASS!!!!!” and Bella picks a passing lighting bolt and shoves it in Satan's ass, exploding him in a trillion of pieces all over the universe. His blood reaches the time space continuum, and everything starts to goes back to the normality. The earth recomposes itself, the heavens turn existent again, the ninjas and pirates and zombies and aliens and angels and demons and nazis starts to comemorate drinking vodka in big vats. They shout Bella's name:
“Bella!!!! Bella!!! The savior of galaxy, Bella!!!!” and they start to dance and get drunk and fighting again. Bella them goes back to Earth and God says:
“Thanks Bella, you saved the existence and rearranged the natural laws of universe!!”
“It's nothing God, every time you need!” and Bella goes back to the baby clothes shop.
I seriously can not stop laughing at this guy
-
I can't decide if it's intelligent humour or not but I don't care really, it gives me belly laughs far more genuine than the shite that emanates from BBC3 every evening
-
Pretty sublime. He nails the confusion of tenses pretty solidly. Its a lot like reading my niece's Twilight/Harry Potter slashfic, only more coherent and with fewer misspellings.
-
Its a lot like reading my niece's Twilight/Harry Potter slashfic, only more coherent and with fewer misspellings.
A joke, right? That's a joke, that you have a niece who writes slashfic, and you actually read it, right?
-
is there any way to not be presented with topics I haven't started or posted in? Occasionally I'd like to consider other topics for my attention, but most of the time I'm just incredibly self-centered. I mean, who wrote this friggin BBS software? Ghandi?
-edit
I'm wondering about penlss. like, do guys ever talk about their peneses with each other? Only guy I know who would do that was this guy I knew who had this real unique kinda sense of humor. he would sexualize everything. he was very comfortable with taboo sexual topics. he was also a little flaming. him and I were roommates for a while. (platonic)
um.. do girls ever talk about their labias and pu$$ys no what's the word I'm looking for I think it's cunt no that's the slag I wanted the medical thing. oh well whatever. do girls ever talk about those
why don't we have like photos of our pensis on facebook? That should be an option. maybe not everyone would go for it. at first. but you've seen how people have really changed their attitudes about privacy.
maybe there should be a christmas greeting card company that is mail order it sends you a home plaster kit for your penls you make a plaster mold of your penls and send it in and maybe for something reasonable like say 59.95 they mail you back a dozen rubber penlss but wait that's not all not only do you get these rubberized lifelike peinises, you get them with your family christmas photo immaculately printed on each one! celebrate life this chrismas, celebrate conception! extra penlss only like, $2 each or something. Or cunts. you can have cunts or pensies.
of course, then there would be your rich uncle eddie who would out do everyone and he'd get the extravagant battery operated self-erecting christmas penlss for like $59.95 *each* and he'd mail those out to everyone. Those are the ones where you have to do two plaster molds.
I mean, hey, it would be a social bonding sort of thing for friends and family alike. why should penlss and cunts be all taboo and sexualized. nuddists can tell you that.
nuddists. what is up with nuddists. crazy nuddists.
-
also, why does bobbyisosceles.com *****s.txt User-agent: * Disallow: / ???
that's kinda reclusive of you bobbbeeee
and also that one guy from arkensaws or whatever it is um... the guy with the eggs in his avatar... umm.. dude you hasn't accepted my friend request on facebook yet. what gives?
-
It's all dog shit.
-
um.. do girls ever talk about their labias and pu$$ys no what's the word I'm looking for I think it's cunt no that's the slag I wanted the medical thing. oh well whatever. do girls ever talk about those
I believe the word you are looking for is vulva.
-
aqua vulva
-
also, why does bobbyisosceles.com *****s.txt User-agent: * Disallow: / ???
that's kinda reclusive of you bobbbeeee
and also that one guy from arkensaws or whatever it is um... the guy with the eggs in his avatar... umm.. dude you hasn't accepted my friend request on facebook yet. what gives?
I didn't know it was you.
-
Dude, I think TP is drunk-posting.
Also, your prayers have been answered (http://www.sextoyfun.com/prod_info.php?a=suzyvirtual&pnum=CNVELD-6601-11), TP.
-
And since TOUAMB is an Equal Opportunity Employer: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=38412150
-
Dude, I think TP is drunk-posting.
Golly!
-
Dude, I think TP is drunk-posting.
Also, your prayers have been answered (http://www.sextoyfun.com/prod_info.php?a=suzyvirtual&pnum=CNVELD-6601-11), TP.
I just remembered some blog post I read where a dude cloned his little guy and then had his GF peg him (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Savage_Love#Pegging) with it. I've been trying to bring this up in casual conversation but it has never seemed appropriate until now.
-
I just remembered some blog post I read where a dude cloned his little guy and then had his GF peg him (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Savage_Love#Pegging) with it. I've been trying to bring this up in casual conversation but it has never seemed appropriate until now.
i like having a place that makes things like this possible.
-
I just remembered some blog post I read where a dude cloned his little guy and then had his GF peg him (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Savage_Love#Pegging) with it.
(http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2586/3796724932_c01c3ae2f8_o.jpg)
-
well thanks for all the nice replies
yes, it is, it is all dog shit
other day I am talking to friend explaining to him collapsing magnetic field of coils of electromagnatism when you unplug or disconnect power from wire wound transformer power adapter and reconnect real quick make surge boom
and he's like "how do you know this stuff?"
and that applies here
sometimes you take for granted your knowledge of stuff
anyway
yeah
my friend still in jail. I find out he has no bail yet.
I suppose countdown to when they cut off utilities and repossess the house has started.
fortunately upstairs neighbors can borrow electricity from them
"house porn"
anyone serious about buying a home has suffered some of the physical ailments those who surf too much regular porn have: dry, red eyes from staring; aching back from sitting too long; carpal tunnel from too much penis action; and of course, the unsatiated desire of finding your ideal images and not really being able to take possession of what you see.
-
Dude, I think TP is drunk-posting.
Someone is moving in on your turf, Drygioni.