The OFFICIAL Unofficial Achewood Message Board
Achewood => Achewood => Topic started by: keef on January 13, 2004, 09:42:54 pm
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"Stout player wants to pour pink zinfandel onto his firm peepee while you watch, helpless."
I love the idea that this is actually someone's fetish. Especially the "helpless" part. Like the special lady is actually a wine connosieur tied to a chair saying "NO! NO! USE THE PINOT GIORGIO!"
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For the ultimate oenophile torture fantasy, boxwine would have to be involved.
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YES! OF COURSE!
I once knew a man-- this was in junior high, so perhaps "boy" is more appropriate-- who mixed yeast with Snapple to create a delightfully intoxicating jar of disgust.
But box wine just might be more disgusting.
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who mixed yeast with Snapple to create a delightfully intoxicating jar of disgust.
DUDE! UGH!
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So wait - did this mixture in the jar create some sort of ungodly quasi-organic fucksleeve, or did he just do it as an exercise in "I Can Make Bad Smells"? Because I'm not seeing the whole along the pecker connection here, otherwise.
Also I am not hearing you people talk shit about the Box Wine. I love the Box Wine; I have for years. There is a particular variety of Box Wine in Australia (in fact, if I'm not mistaken, the classy bastards invented it; in any event their inside-bags are made of shiny space age foil stuff instead of cheapass clear plastic but BYOB restaurants inexplicably still frown upon one toting a bag on in) called "Fruity Lexia" that I would not necessarily kill but almost certainly Assault With Intent to get my hands on again.
IT IS FOR CADILLAC DRUNKS ON EL CAMINO BUDGETS
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So wait - did this mixture in the jar create some sort of ungodly quasi-organic fucksleeve, or did he just do it as an exercise in "I Can Make Bad Smells"? Because I'm not seeing the whole along the pecker connection here, otherwise.
Also I am not hearing you people talk shit about the Box Wine. I love the Box Wine; I have for years. There is a particular variety of Box Wine in Australia (in fact, if I'm not mistaken, the classy bastards invented it; in any event their inside-bags are made of shiny space age foil stuff instead of cheapass clear plastic but BYOB restaurants inexplicably still frown upon one toting a bag on in) called "Fruity Lexia" that I would not necessarily kill but almost certainly Assault With Intent to get my hands on again.
IT IS FOR CADILLAC DRUNKS ON EL CAMINO BUDGETS
I've been meaning to say this for a week. Zartan, if you write a book, i'll buy it.
~Paul
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So wait - did this mixture in the jar create some sort of ungodly quasi-organic fucksleeve, or did he just do it as an exercise in "I Can Make Bad Smells"? Because I'm not seeing the whole along the pecker connection here, otherwise.
No, dude! The intention was to wait for it to ferment and then drink it.
Which I believe he did.
In other news, most of the box wines I have enjoyed have, in fact, been in bags of space-age foil material. Which no doubt only added to their flavor.
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Handy tip to you outdoors-types: save the shiny bag from a box of wine, rinse it out, and take it with you when you go camping. You can fill it with water, let it heat in the sun, hang it from a tree, and have a warm shower or two in the afternoon.
Or, you know, just skip the camping and use the indoor plumbing.
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Another handy tip for you indoors, toilet sticking out of the wall next to your bunk, showering in groups-types:
Saving your fruit juices and bread scraps can yield you a not-so-tasty but alchoholism fulfilling beverage, if your celly doesn't get to it first.
Don't ask me why I know these things. And hiding a bedspring in your ass to stab someone pretty much only works on 'Oz'. And only if the guy walks up to YOU while your hand is in the back of your #####, because you ain't walkin' nowhere with a bedspring in your ass.
A good rule of thumb in prison is to keep as many things out of your ass as possible.
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A good rule of thumb in prison is to keep as many things out of your ass as possible.
FOR A FREE PAMPHLET, SEND A SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE TO
FREE PAMPHLET
THE ASS COUNCIL
PUEBLO, CO 81001
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FOR A FREE PAMPHLET, SEND A SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE TO
Damn, that's the book you writing?
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Modern Drunkard Magazine (http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com/) did an article on jailhouse hooch, including taste tests, in their most recent issue. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like it's available on their website yet. [/url]
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Also I am not hearing you people talk shit about the Box Wine. I love the Box Wine; I have for years.
Although I'm sure this is beyond the pale and I will be (rightfully) mocked for bringing it up, some raver friends of mine used to drink a drink that they called a "Mochacinno", which consisted of equal parts "Chillable Red" box wine and Coca Cola over ice.
It was actually not too bad. Nothing Cadillac about it, though.
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which consisted of equal parts "Chillable Red" box wine and Coca Cola over ice.
Much as I hate Coke as is, it always amazes me what new and vile things people seem to come up with to do to it.
Red wine, JD, OJ... Dear god...
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Combining cheap red wine and orange soda in a 1:1 ratio is something the Spaniards do, I'm told, and it tastes pretty not-bad.
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Combining cheap red wine and orange soda in a 1:1 ratio is something the Spaniards do, I'm told, and it tastes pretty not-bad.
What the spaniards do is mix fruit and orange liqueur with red wine to make sangria. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I loves me some Sangria wine.
~Paul
SANGRIA
1 orange, thinly sliced
1 lemon, thinly sliced
1/4 cup superfine sugar
1/2 gallon red Burgundy
1/2 cup orange-flavored liqueur
2 bay leaves
1/2 cup brandy
1 quart club soda
Combine and marinate overnight the orange, lemon, sugar, red wine, liqueur and bay leaves. Add the brandy. Just before serving, add club soda and some ice.
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Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Ray loves him some Sangria wine. (http://www.achewood.com/index.php?date=10182002)
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You can put way more different types of fruit in it than that.
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Paul, that recipe is sorely enticing, and I shall have to try it on one of those very rare occasions upon which I write a grocery list with an eye toward attempting and successfully completing a recipe. This one seems to more or less boil down to "leave shit sitting around; add ice", which even I am capable of handling. Probably.
Until then, I shall have to content myself with the boxed Sangria I bought yesterday, on a lark, at the supermarket. Yes, it exists; like the devil, it takes many forms, and presently one of them has manifested in a quite colorful, almost celebratory box on my kitchen counter. It really beats the whole this is Mexican theme down your throat with stylized pictures of sombreros and cacti and lawn mowers and such. "RED SANGRIA", declares the box in one of those freeware, proto-Taco Bell menu fonts. (White Sangria also exists - I don't know either)
I hadn't had sangria in a while, so I started off with a nice tall glass and it seemed pretty tasty. Tart and kicky; this is a flavor that could conceivably pull off a beret. In direct contrast to most cheap-n-potent drinks, this is actually less tolerable the further into your cups one gets. It got to the point where I said (inwardly) something along the lines of fuck this, I am going to get goddamned heartburn here but I am not leaving a perfectly good glass out for the ants. RED SANGRIA from the box was not tested for along-the-pecker performance by this reviewer.
It'll get you good and drunk, though. APPROVED
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Boxed Sangria. Truly, the Devil lies in many guises.
I had non-alcoholic sangria once. I recall it tasting not unpleasant but sort of underwhelming, like grape juice someone had soaked Juicyfruit in for a while. Odd.
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How does the fruit fit through the tiny spout?
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There's sangria flavored soda too. Tastes like grape soda that has something wrong with it. Like it has something like artificial wine flavoring in it.
(Hi, The Bob! Glad to see you won't get deleted.)
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There's sangria flavored soda too. Tastes like grape soda that has something wrong with it. Like it has something like artificial wine flavoring in it.
I think this is what I actually had, come to think of it. I'm quite sure what I had was carbonated, which seemed fundamentally wrong for something wine-flavored.
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Maybe Ray was drinking a carbonated martini!
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Maybe Ray was drinking a carbonated martini!
Spritza would make sense. Either that or he's just mildly tanked, hence he failed to get the things Beef was saying.
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I'm quite sure what I had was carbonated, which seemed fundamentally wrong for something wine-flavored.
The sangria I've had that wasn't cut-rate and assy wasn't carbonated, exactly, but it didn't produce that same sort of sizzly feeling on the tongue that you might expect from a soda that's been sitting out a minute or two. As wrong as that seems, it actually compliments the flavor very nicely (see above as re Paul's addition of club soda to the final product) and is one of my favorite things about drinking sangria.
I've always gotten the best mileage out of the Big Glass Jug of Carlo Rossi sangria. I don't have the cash to be any more flashy or adventurous than that, although if anyone has any Top Shelf recommendations, I'm all ears. For, you know, the next time I want to impress someone within a vaguely Mexican context and don't want to have to rely upon flash-in-the-pan, faddish methods such as "erudition" and "charm".
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It is a crime that nobody has linked to this yet (http://www.achewood.com/index.php?date=10182002).
That is all.
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It's a crime that nobody has linked to this yet. (http://www.achewood.com/index.php?date=10182002)
They did.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Ray loves him some Sangria wine. (http://www.achewood.com/index.php?date=10182002)
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Until then, I shall have to content myself with the boxed Sangria I bought yesterday...
It'll get you good and drunk, though. APPROVED
Did you get this at like a Safeway? We have Fiesta supermarkets here in Houston. I would like to try a thing such as this.
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The best Sangria I ever had was at a Tapas restaurant in Evanston, Illinois. The best ones I have had were fortified with a stronger wine/liquor - I've seen recipes with a few shots of bacardi or vermouth mixed in - but I prefer adding a nice, rich Port or a Brandy to it. Definitely adds character. Paul's recipe looks pretty good.
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I bought it at a Houston-area H-E-B, so your chances of finding it seem very good indeed. Although buying your Strong Drink at goddamned Fiesta ("Come for the fantastic produce, stay for the... cut-rate luggage?") definitely qualifies you for consideration as one of the Dirtiest Dudes in Town.
You do realize that this boxed sangria isn't really very good, right?
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I bought it at a Houston-area H-E-B, so your chances of finding it seem very good indeed. Although buying your Strong Drink at goddamned Fiesta ("Come for the fantastic produce, stay for the... cut-rate luggage?") definitely qualifies you for consideration as one of the Dirtiest Dudes in Town.
Oh, yeah. I've only ever actually shopped at a Fiesta once. I found the meat counter to be disturbing and horrifying, what with straight-up hog heads and whatnot on display.
It just seemed to me that this would be the most likely place to find box sangria, for god's sake.
You do realize that this boxed sangria isn't really very good, right?
YET ANOTHER REASON I IMMEDIATELY THOUGHT OF "FIESTA"