I think your preference of shooting all the zombies to saving them suggests that maybe you've played too many video games.

Actually, the only game platfrom I ever owned was a Sega Genesis.  I had Sonic the Hedgehog and some Aladdin Game.  And on the computer, the most violent game I own is Rome:  Total War.

So it's definitely movies that are to blame.

I had a dream that someone gave me 1,000 jack-in-the-boxes for no reason whatsoever.  They were all black and white and laughed like this kid who used to pick on me in grade school.

By the end of the dream I was covered in broken boxes and springs.

I thought you were talking about fast food at first.  This kid who picked on you, did he have a habit of hiding in a box and then jumping out of it?

The news was on. Greta van Sustren was saying something terribly uninteresting about Diet Coke. I was sitting there, minding my own business, when I stopped minding my own business and went outside. To my shock, there was a giant snake outside, maybe twenty feet long. Of course, my first instinct was to step on it. When that didn't work, I ran back inside to look for a weapon. Since unsecured firearms are not permitted, I made sure to only get a .22 pistol. How I could magically get guns like that I don't know, but apparently I was more worried about getting in trouble for having a gun than what I was going to do to a gigantic python with a .22 revolver. Anyhow, I ran out and started shooting the snake, and the bastard had the audacity to bite me. Really, it was nothing, but I thought that was very rude and told him so. I went back inside and my boss was standing in my doorway, looking very disappointed.

"Dan," he said, "You know I don't allow pistols in my building."
I was glad he hadn't noticed the mini gun that was now in my closet.
"But chief, there's this huge fuck*ng snake outside!"
"What? Oh, well, let's have a look then."

We went outside and a 'little' (that is to say, 6-foot-long) viper flew past me. I knew he was a viper from the shape of his head. My boss started giving me the stare but then I found the python. He was a lot smaller now and his eyes were glowing. I dropped my pistol and started strangling the reptile.

"Dude, look at his eyes," said my boss.

I was too busy choking the snake. (Is it possible to choke a snake? For some reason I want to say no.) When I turned around, my boss was standing still facing away from me. He was shaking.

"Hey, man, are you all right?"

My boss whirled around and stared at me with these crazy colorful glowing eyes. Needless to say, I punched him in the face.

He went down easy. My boss is not what you call a model of physical strength. But then all these pther people gather around and are gawking at the big dead snake and my boss lying on the ground all bloody.

"He hit me!" he shouted, and started looking all around him.

I turned my attention back to the crowd and now some of their eyes were glowing, and more of them were lighting up.

So I ran back inside, as any sensible snake-strangler would.

Inside, no one's eyes were glowing. Satisfied, I went back in my room to get my shotgun when I saw my eyes glowing in the mirror. Suddenly, I felt like someone was moving me around, forcing me towards the other people in the building. I knocked one guy down, and he was struggling, when I noticed the Diet Coke sitting in the hallway for no good reason. So, having played enough video games in my day, I drank it.

Immediately, I felt my mind clear, and I could control myself again. Unfortunately, now the guy I had been choking had the old day-glo going on. So I poured the rest of the Diet Coke down his throat, and he returned to normal. Everyone in the hall started cheering and clapping me on the back.

Somebody said, "Hey, we have to get those folks outside to drink Coke, too!"

"I have a better idea," I said. "Just make sure not to look at their eyes.

I set my mini gun up on the roof and annihalated the crowd of zombies.

THE END.

Memories
Misty water under the bridge
Oh, it seemed so long ago
uh. . . tired starlings.

I still call it "Enron Field."

Indeed, Will Farrell just does fart jokes for frat daddies, but Jimmy Fallon is more than that.  He's truly offensive.  In the good old days, we nailed his sort to trees.

I love Liebot, though.  YOU CAN'T TAKE MY RABBIT!

Can you imagine being married to a woman who . . . has BALLS.

Not in most states.

I didn't say that Indian women murder their husbands.  I asked what would happen if it were so.