Yeah, close it.  It's no fun any more.  

Enjoy yourselves, achewood message board.  I'm sorry I upset the fatter reactionaries among yas.  You two Canadians, you'll just have to hold it down.

One last thing.  You are all grown-ups.  And most of you are probably not disabled.  So stop disappointing your parents and go outside.

Kids in the Hall!  

Listen to their commentary or read an article about them (to care enough to do which now apparently you have to be a mouth-breathing cretin,) and you will discover that they not only worked as a six man, democratic committee, but turned out fuck*ng awesome work, better even than a cathedral full of typesetters printing Korans.

Also I'm a Canadian ("Ah HA!  Pompous bitch!")  and aside from having to hold it down for KITH I live with proof that all sorts of things apart from Art and Literature work better when you've got lots of people in on 'em.  Like health care.  But comics?  What a fascinating proposition! Everyone on this massage board (except the indignant dude of gravity who can't seem to spell, and will likely post a retaliation centred on the word 'massage',) has so far exhibited a concentration of wit far above what you'd expect from a couple dozen randomly selected people.  The Concrete/Concrete joke?  Priceless!  The ability to remember obscure things like Ranier Beer and 'Shaddup You'? That shows real dedication to the medium!  

Why not channel some of the free hours spent bickering into putting together an experimental little comic?  It's not like you need to be a fine arts grad, look at Onstad!  (Mind you it's probably his gelatinous, ogre-like mitts that impede his drawing.)

What I'm saying is there could be say three stock characters to begin with, and people could either try narrative-style sequences or random gags, all open to constructive criticism from other 'board' members, with the only rule that no-one but the author could edit or withdraw a comic.  And maybe that everything's submitted in some standardized file format.  And whoever puts it together gets referred to as "his eminence, the grand vizier."

Of course I am a computer retard and have no idea how to get something like that up and running.  But surely someone's got some ideas.

P.S.  How many thirteen-year olds use this site, couldn't we just spell "fuck*ng" properly?  It's not like they don't know what the word is that's supposed to be there.  Spelling it "fuck*ng" is like saying ess-ee-ex in front of kids like they're dogs.

All you have to show for yourself is speculation as to whether Chris O. can buy belts that are made from one piece of leather or not.

Okay, imagine a cow.  

The cow weighs seventeen hundred pounds.

Imagine her circumfrence.

Now imagine putting this cow into a machine such as the type which cores, peels, and slices apples for pies.  

Remove the slicer attachment.

Peel the cow.

You will have a belt large enough for Paul Bunyan.

And no doubt large enough for Chris Onstad, even if he's so grotesquely obese as to eclipse any two contributors to this message board.

How's that for throbbing, awe-inspiring, arkabee-esque 'brain power'?

I also remember particularly enjoying the Baby Update where he said

"Today we donned our merkins and frock-coats and fed the baby a thin gruel."

That was a pretty good one.  Did someone already mention it?

Also, an ambo, (plural ambos, ambones) is an oblong pulpit with steps at either end.

I'm sure this has been gone over.  I just joined.  Bear with me.

It's just that I've been trying for a long time, based on the comic and alt text and on the baby updates and photos of his dogs and house to build myself a Chris Onstad I can imagine sitting there posting these comics in the middle of the night.  In his interviews though, which he often seems to do in character, and his blog, you can never be sure which details you're getting are true.  He has said, for example, at various junctures, that
1.  He has an Asian wife. (Liz though, not Frances.)
and 2. He is a fat person.  (This is corroborated by his obsession with cookery, and his computer job, but then he draws himself as thin, with fashionable sneakers.)

But in looking up the Stanford Chapparal and what fellow cartoonists have to say about him and in Googling him extensively I've never been able to figure out if anything he's ever said is true.  

What I'm wondering is if anyone has come up with any outside evidence as to there even being a physical Chris Onstad, and who he might be.

And do you think he's narcissistic enough, and has enough spare time, to look at his own fan sites and then post anonymous replies throwing the nerds who adulate him off the trail?