I been dating this girl for just over a month now, though we've known each other for about a year. I think I love her, I know she loves me, but right now my heads in a real mess. She thinks this is it, I'm the one you know, and I thought that about her, but lately I been cracking up. I been thinking about just running away. Going somewhere new and working so much that I can't think about my problems, partially part of the fact I really don't like myself and it would help make me feel like I didn't. Like I was a different person. And the last couple of days I've been doing just that, and for someone as lazy as I am that's something!
But anything I tell myself, or think I'm sure of, my mind asks me whether I'm just telling myself that.
One thing I know is that while she keeps saying she wants to break up cos she can't deal with this happening, I really don't want her to just go. I can't face that.
I know I probably need to go see a therapist, but I just figure I should gather some more advice, in case someone says those magic few words that make me fix it all!
What I'm hearing from you sounds a lot like desparation. You're at a point in your life where you have to make a choice, you just have to, but you'll do anything to avoid choosing. You want to be with this woman, and she wants to be with you, but you're afraid that -- someday -- that will change. You're afraid that you'll eventually realize that you didn't really want to be with her, or, worse, she'll leave you for a wealthy but homely banker thirty years her senior.
This really doesn't have much to do with not liking yourself. (Although I do reccomend seeing a therapist on that one.) This has more to do with not knowing what you want out of life. Because I know your identity and a few other things about you, I know that you're fairly young and have yet to complete your education. Basically, you have your whole life ahead of you and it has you scared shitless. I remember being there myself, not too long ago. I went a little psycho, too.
So how do you deal with it? First off, tell your girlfriend that you care for her deeply, but you really don't know who you are at this point. Tell her you'd like to try and make things work with her, but first you have to get some things sorted round in your own noggin (or whatever the Brit vernacular is these days). I see no need to end the relationship -- if this woman is really fantastic, she could be a valuable source of support and counsul for you. Girlfriends are, more often than not, really good listeners, and it might even save you money on therapy in the long run.
Second, figure out who you are. Maybe you have a career path mapped out; maybe you don't. Re-evaluate everything -- as a great British poet once wrote, there's still time to change the road you're on. Maybe you think you don't like yourself because you haven't met. That's why you keep second-guessing yourself, thinking that you're fooling yourself. Here's a tip: you don't figure out who you are by sitting around and gazing at your navel. You do it by trying things you've never tried before to see if you like them. Granted, you're more than a checklist of likes and dislikes, but developing hobbies and interests outside of school, work, and your girlfriend not only helps you establish a value system and an external identity; it also helps you create a framework for evaluating yourself. You may find out you're not such a bad guy after all. And when you've dealt with yourself and know where you're headed, everything else -- your girlfriend included -- will just fall into place.
In theory, anyway.
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Topic: T.R. in the U.K. (Read 4129 times)