so last 3 topics in science and nature have been started by me
I hope I'm not creating too many topics turning this into my personal blog as some of you may have observed I can be quite loquacious
there's still a post by bobby isoceles somewhere that was TLDR that I been meaning to get back to but in the mean time I do like to blabber about my own simple travails.
so anyway
department of homeland security is now in possession of my brilliant forgeries, delivered via fax.
if they can figure that out and track me down more power to them but I ain't holding my breath they are the most disorganized son a bitches you ever did see
my roommate gets arrested, right, in some state, and so I go to the ICE web site, (immigrations and customs enforcement, one of the largest divisions of homeland security, in charge of all sorts a stuff... ) it lists the offices.. there's a dozen or so offices in charge of different regions.. so I call the regional office... and they're like, oh, you have to call the state office in the state he's in, and they give me the number... and I'm wondering... they couldn't just put that on the web site?
and so I call the state office, and they are like, oh, you have to call the other state office... and they give me the number.... the state is shared by two offices.. north side of the state, the north office, south side, south office..
so to get this far was 20 phone calls to various places, mostly the same places, because at home land security, they don't answer the phone often, if ever, they prefer voice mail, and they don't returns calls that much either...
so I call the other state office... but.. it's a wrong number...
I call back to the first state office I called, but now they're not answering the phone again...
another 20 phone calls later finds me finally politely suggesting to the ICE congressional liaison office in DC that couldn't someone look up the number for me so I don't have to go through my congressman? and after a couple minutes of her checking I was pleasantly surprised when she found it. it turns out that someone had transposed a 0 into an 8 on their phone list. And then distributed that list to every homeland security office everywhere. doh! hey, it happens to the best of us.
on a hilarious aside, before I found the ICE congressional office, I tried calling their emergency number.. the number you use for reporting emergencies, or suspicions of criminal activity.. smuggling, illegal aliening, etc... and... the number didn't work.. It connected, but it connected to a computer that was obviously confused... it spat out a series of errors ending with something about a mailbox not being subscribed, and then it hung up.
I was like... oh... these are the people who are protecting us from terrorists?
so a few phone calls later, I thought, what the hell, I'll try that emergency number again, and lo 'n behold, the damn thing connected me, to a person no less!
so she was very nice, she noted with interest my report about the emergency number not working. She explained that they had just upgraded the computer for the emergency number, so it might still have some kinks in it. She assured me she would forward that information on. As to my request for the phone number for the state office that was detaining my friend, she wasn't able to help (she had the same wrong number listed) although she was sympathetic... "well yeah" she said "I can imagine if someone gets arrested and their family doesn't know where they are and can't find them" I was like "yep, that's exactly what I'm thinking."
It's like, you expect this kind of stuff if you're in China, right... but here in the U.S.?
Basically, before I tried to call Homeland Security, I was pro-gun control in a big way. Now I understand what those gun nuts are talking about. With an out of control bureaucracy like this, I can see the need possibly arising for the general public to own guns. In Europe, where there is very stringent gun control, there are a lot better range of checks and balances in place against the power of the government. Stuff like education, for example... there are a lot less complete morons who vote. We don't have such luxuries here in the U.S.... which makes gun ownership by the general population of morons all the more scary and translates all the more into the tragic deaths of tens of thousands of children by gun violence each year, yet... at the same time... this population of morons also in a way kinda makes gun ownership perhaps the only defense of last resort that could possibly somehow curb government abuses, even if only via rhetoric? (Let's face it, OK city had more rhetorical effect than actual impact on anything.) I mean think about it... it's this population of moron gun owners who A) vote (so that ain't gonna help matters any) and B) it is this population upon which the government must draw to fill it's ranks. (that explains a lot, don't it?)
anyway, long story short, I finally found my needle in a haystack; I finally got through to the other state (federal) office that was detaining my friend. Well I got through to their voice mail, anyway. So I left a message with my number, spelled his name, explained I was calling to confirm he's being held and to know his bond amount, if any...
and I was surprised when a few hours later, they actually called me back! Of the many messages I had left, this was the only one where they called me back.
Unfortunately I was out, so the dude leaves this hilarious message on my answering machine. his tone of voice was hilarious, totally lackadasical.. he's like, hey, yeah I looked up the name you gave me, and we don't have him, you'll need to call the other state office they probably have him instead. If you would have answered, I would have tried to help you track him down and find where he's at, but you didn't answer the phone, he says, 'but go ahead and call the other state office and they'll help you he finishes, not realizing of course that he's now kind of sending me in a paradoxal loop, and this being the feds, it's quite possibly a recursive loop too... sounds like one of those crazy star trek episodes where reality gets all warped and we find this alternate reality where Jean Luc is a 13 yr old girl, only I guess, a more apt metaphor for an alternate reality in a TV show about homeland security would be one where they know what the fyck they're doing and they don't spend vast sums of resources on getting nothing done at all and they don't disappear the people they arrest into a vast black hole of bureaucracy.
So these are the people I'm supposed to be worried about?
Not really.
As that Hatian guy showed us last week, worst case scenario is they're shipping me off to Guantanamo, all I have to do is kick open the wrong door at the airport and then they ground all airline traffic for the next month while they go through their procedures to 're-secure' all the airports, as if any of this is secure in the first place.
COME ON HOMELAND SECURATAY<< BRING IT YOU BITCH#S , BRING IT!
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Topic: forging documents (Read 2959 times)