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[jough]

I'm getting a lot of walking in!  And I managed to eat fairly well (i.e. healthily) yesterday despite eating out for both lunch and dinner.

[pmcd9]

I managed to eat fairly well (i.e. healthily) yesterday despite eating out for both lunch and dinner.

That is a very difficult thing to do.  Congratulations.

~Paul

[jough]

I also drank a pint of beer.  It was a mixed success day.

For those keeping score - it was not the calories in the beer that was a problem.  I did have only one, though.  That's sort of a win?

[slink]

I did have only one, though.  That's sort of a win?

As long as you can refuse yourself the craving for it other times, I'd call it a win. To be able to have one but maintain your resolve would make it stronger? Or is this merely the rationalisation from an addictive mind?

[side_show]

I hit a really bad wall near the end of last week.  I was sitting there, thinking about how I think maybe I've lost ten pounds (I don't know for sure though: see earlier posts about 2 broken scales).  I was sitting there, realizing I did not feel any better.  That I have not felt any improvement over the past month of aggressive action.  In fact, I have been hurting all the more lately, due to my increased activity level (although it has all been low impact).  And it hit me really hard that I am not going to get any better.  No matter what I do healthwise, my joints will never heal or get better - they will only get worse over time.  The last month of me being all chipper and hopeful for myself and everybody else came from my deep denial of my condition, a strange belief that I would beat this thing, and through hard work and perseverance be "cured."  I've been depressed for days, angry at my body, and even briefly thought of giving up on the whole wellness plan.  I realize that taking care of myself, and especially losing extra poundage, will slow the degradation, but if this is as good as it's ever going to be, then a part of me wants to just let loose, drink wine every dinner, eat butter and cream sauce on everything... just hedonistically enjoy this moment.  It would be so much easier.  There's the other side of me, that knows that taking care of myself is important, but the little devil and the little angel on my shoulders are totally duking it out right now, and evil side_show is winning at the moment.  The easy path... well it just looks so much easier and more enjoyable in the short term.

I'm going to continue with the healthy living thing, but I've really lost a lot of the hope that I'd been carrying for the past month, and it feels sad and hollow to be me right now.

[Mite]

Sorry you hit a wall, Mel. I'm glad you're still sticking with it regardless - you're stronger than I would be. Have you been screened for depression? It's not exactly uncommon for a person diagnosed with a chronic illness.

[misterqueue]

I am sorry to hear that Smells.  I will not pretend to know what you're going through, but here is the question:

There's a finite number of times in your life that you will be able to say "I love you" to people who are special to you.  Do you want that number to be larger or smaller?  Is it worth that being a smaller number in order not to worry about things and just go all out?

I'm not saying that it's a bad thing if you answer yes to the last question, it's just the one thing that I always sort of consider when I'm in the dark, dark hole.  Usually, I decide that no, it's not really worth the exchange and get back up, but that's me.  YMMV

Chin Up Kiddo!  (Heh.. kiddo.. )

[slink]

I'm so sorry to hear that, Mel. I very, very, very slightly know what you mean. I've been struck many times (worst when I was 17) by the feeling that it's all downhill from here, and even in my working on things now... My knees are struggling to cope, as I have cartilage problems, and felt like I'd given myself another hernia the other night, but in the greater scheme of things, it's barely a drop in the pond compared to what you're fighting.
All I can say apart from that I'll be atheistically praying for you, is the hope that what helped alter my approach to it all might give you some help. The key here is to listen to Cake's 'End of the Movie'.
I'd listened to it numerous times, but this time realised what it meant to me. I'm basically trying to reprogram myself to consider depression and unhappiness as a neutral state. Consider it not something that makes me want to give up, but instead just where I am... And to not consider happiness as something that I am striving for anymore. So now it's just a case of, as with End of the Movie, keeping on going to see how it ends up. It's possibly pyschotic, and going against everything I know of the human condition, but it's the only way I can see to not be stressed out and beaten down every day by the variousness of my life.
I guess it's just all a very subjective way of looking at what happiness means, and how much of it is purely chemical. But as I say, it seems to make a big difference to how all the shitty things affect me.
I don't know if any of that makes any sense, or if it's just retarded. But my sympathies are with you, and hope sincerely you can find a way to as you say, just keep at it. And it certainly sounds like a damned good plan to stick with it, despite the downsides. I have to admit, you be one of my favourite people, even if only to read your wonderful posts...

And you taught me so much about grammar.

[jough]

It's only been a month, Mel, and these changes won't happen overnight, or even in a month or two.  It's a very long road that you're only just beginning.

You may have better results, though, by giving yourself a chance to rest or recuperate between exercise routines.  Maybe only exercise two or three days a week and let yourself rest up a bit. 

I did a lot of strenuous exercise on Friday night and took the rest of the weekend off.  I'm going to have to see how today pans out to see if I go for a long walk again tonight.  My legs from the knees down are still sore from the impact.

I'm sorry that you haven't noticed improvement in how you feel, yet, but as you shed more pounds and get generally healthier it should make some improvement at least, no?

Also, are you just not eating obvious 'bad for you' things or have you added extra high-nutrition to your diet?  I've found that by eating more leafy greens and things high in potassium and iron (bananas and spinach, etc.) that I tend to feel a little better the next day.

I hope you're meeting with your doctor and discussing your progress regularly.  What works or doesn't work for one person may or may not work for you.  It'll take experimentation and a LOT of patience, but we're here for you and I for one am willing to do whatever I can to help and support you.  I'm sure you have more local support as well.

Hang in there, kitten.

[side_show]

Thanks to all for your kindness!

I had an especially bad day yesterday, as I was weeding the yard all day, and developed arthritic pain in my hands for the first time ever.  As I depend on my hands so much for writing, I was just so scared and pissed off.

Mr: you are right - indeed, I keep just have to keep reminding myself that the time between now and when I'm in a wheel chair, even if lessened by days or even hours, is well worth the earning.  Thankfully, no matter how gnarled I get, I will still be able to make sounds come out of my mouth.  I am about immediate gratification by nature, and indeed I need to step back and look at the big picture.

Mite: I had previously had horrible chronic depression about 3 yrs ago, which has thankfully gone away.  I'm thinking that I am basically going through the natural mourning process for having being diagnosed with something incurable.  Certainly, if the sadness is more than temporary, I'll be talking to my doctor about it.

Slink: I do not know that Cake song, but am hoping to buy a new computer that is not so old as to not let me download music.  Also, if all works out, I will soon be getting a government-paid-for iPod (via a trip I'm going to be taking on a professional development art grant, and the fact that the related travel agent gives out free iPods to those booking trips over $1500).  If that is the case, Cake is pretty high on my list for downloads anyway.

Jough: I am eating so many high nutrient vegetables and fruits, and of course have eliminated most of the bad-for-me stuff.  And as for it being "only a month" - a month is a long time for me.  My focus has been totally on wellness and eating perfectly balanced meals during all waking hours for over a month now, and for a girl with limited energy, and other things to focus on, it's been perhaps a little too all consuming.  Basically not caring how and what I ate allowed me a lot of time to do my writing without distraction.  I'm basically just exhausted and sick of thinking about it all the time.  Right now I wish there was an auto-pilot mode where healthful foods just appeared in front of me with no effort on my part.   But that doesn't happen unless you have a personal chef, or a wife.  As much as I enjoy it in small doses, the amount of careful shopping, prepairing, cooking and the amount of resulting dishes piling up in the sink in need of washing, paired with the workout routine, is taking up all of my time and thought.  Whine, whine, whine.  I know.  I'm just tired of it taking up all of my psychological landscape with no really noteable result other than being slightly lighter.  But I will soldier on.

As for taking breaks, I don't know if time off works for me.  I'm equally sore and stiff all the time - if I spend the day on the couch, or if I run 6 miles, it doesn't seem to be related to where or how I hurt, and I want to be careful to not let the pain become a reason for being sedentary, since it's basically omnipresent.  Immediately after a workout, I get a great endorphin rush, so while I still hurt, the pain sort of moves into the background, and is overtaken by a "runner's high."

On the bright side:  I took out my calender to mark my friends' baby due date, and saw that I had mapped out my plan for weight loss for the entire summer at the beginning of last month, (broken down week-by-week) and see that I am one pound away from my goal for next week.  I don't remember doing this, but it's my writing, so I must have.  I have basically decided that I am all about baby steps right now, and that this single pound of weight loss is the only goal I will focus on this week.  Maybe the goal of "being well" is too large for me right now - especially since I've come to accept that I will not be curing my arthritis over the past few days - but one pound, I can handle.

[pmcd9]

You are an inspiration to us all Melanie.

~Paul

[Mite]

By the way, Mel, my grandmother had terrible arthritis from her late teens on. Her hands were completely gnarled, bad knees, the whole lot. And she still managed to go to college (pretty good for a "cripple" from the country in 1930), not to mention sew a mean streak, play the coronet, go sledding with us kids until she was in her 70s, and then, at 85, have a double knee replacement that she bounced right back from.

I'm not saying that just because she made it out alright doesn't mean you will. Hell, I don't even know whether you've got the same sort of issue. But if you needed some sort of a role model, even in some small way, Louise Larson was a pretty good one.

[wombat]

I had an especially bad day yesterday, as I was weeding the yard all day, and developed arthritic pain in my hands for the first time ever.  As I depend on my hands so much for writing, I was just so scared and pissed off.

It's a small point, but can't someone else weed the damn yard? 

As someone who has a yard that's too damn big and a body that's just old enough that I'm beginning to see signs that it will not last forever.... I've realized that you have to save your body for the things that matter.  And the writing is more important than the stupid weeds.  Especially when what you write will be around forever, whereas by next week you won't be able to tell that you pulled the weeds.  (Next week in our climate, anyway, maybe up north it takes a little longer.  But the point still holds.)

[AugustWest]

It's a small point, but can't someone else weed the damn yard? 

As someone who has a yard that's too damn big and a body that's just old enough that I'm beginning to see signs that it will not last forever.... I've realized that you have to save your body for the things that matter.  And the writing is more important than the stupid weeds.  Especially when what you write will be around forever, whereas by next week you won't be able to tell that you pulled the weeds.  (Next week in our climate, anyway, maybe up north it takes a little longer.  But the point still holds.)

Some of us do actually enjoy weeding and other such yard work.

[wombat]

Some of us do actually enjoy weeding and other such yard work.

Ooo, want to come to my house?