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[jay-ell]

So did we.  Guess what you have to look forward to?

Oh, you're so canned, AW. 

Just to put it in perspective for you, Keith and inev, when I was 22, I got married and bought a house.  So the idea of inev's friends seeming "grown up" because they have cars and live in apartments seems adorably naive to me.  But then, when I look back on what most of my friends were doing at 22, it also makes a lot of sense, because Pedro and I were clearly the exception that proves the rule. 

My problem, I think, is that I basically didn't have any fun in college.  Actually, I stopped having fun in my senior year of high school because I was taking five AP courses.  I did manage to enter college with 24 hours of college credit and graduated a year early.  My plan was to do fun stuff after graduation, but...that is a stupid plan. 

If I had it to do over again, I would have taken the opportunity to study abroad.  That's the big thing I missed that I will not have the opportunity to do now until my kids are considerably older (or possibly grown up and moved out).  I went to parties with the kids Pedro did theater with and got drunk and smoked cigarettes and occasionally got naked in public, but it was more of an end-of-semester thing because I was too busy studying and/or working the rest of the time -- including summers. 

I grew up a lot sooner than I had to, and even now it's hard to make friends with people my age because most of them are still in that early-career, single or otherwise childless, wine-and-cheese party stage.  Of course I have some friends who got knocked up in college and got married, but most people with kids my son's age are older.  I was the youngest woman in our childbirth preparation class by about ten years.  And I'm pretty sure (although I haven't met them all) I'm younger than all the other moms of little P's classmates. 

So even though I'm only chronologically 6 years older than Keith, mentally, I feel much older. 

[KeithHernandez]

So even though I'm only chronologically 6 years older than Keith, mentally, I feel much older. 

Well, that doesn't really prove anything.

Seriously though, I just want college to end, but I also want to have fun, which I need to stop immediately from now through December 3rd to graduate.  This weekend was a good step, but if I could stop reading your peoples posts it would be even better.  It is only two weeks, but it is hard to stop because I had a great freshmen year, transferred, had a shitty sophmore year.  Had a roommate who got me into trouble Junior year to where I had to live with my parents (when I joined here and generally became addicted to the internet), then moved to a little piece of liberal paradise my traditional Senior year, made a lot of friends and now want to have fun with them before I leave.

[theinevitable]

i can basically sum up the reason that I think those particular girls are old as that... they are about to graduate, and I want to date one of them. And a lot of my wanting-to-date related anxiousness is based around the fact that I think that she thinks I am too young. it is pretty apparent to me that this is the case. my friends are all "why haven't we met this chick?" and the majority of that is the "wow, so, this is the dorm you live in. huh. I lived here 2 years ago" factor. I mean, you know how in college senior year seems so far away.

also I am pretty weirded out that people who are that age are doing things like... moving to Charlotte, NC, and starting work at a major national bank headquartered there. I mean, what I am saying is that a guy I met who is a senior is basically becoming My Dad on some level at this young age.

at the same time, I intimidated my friend this age the other day because she asked me what I want to be doing as a career, and I actually had an answer, and she did not know that answer of what she would be doing even next year. I felt kind of bad for, you know, studying something I love which I want to continue to do for the rest of my life? she called it "precious."

[littlefallsmets]

I am 28 years old and I feel like I've been out of college maybe six months, that I am perhaps 21 at best.

I am ever so tentatively getting used to the idea of responsibility. I am still trying to make it in the arts, for God's sake.

I am basically only financially solvent because my girlfriend has a steady job (substitute teacher) and will soon have a steady and good paying job for a person without children (elementary teacher in LAUSD).

If I am to be judged by the 1950s standard of adulthood, I am a wreck of a failure at adulthood. I do not have a house, I do not have a job that could sustain me indefinitely, I am not married. By the old standards of adulthood, I should be five years into building a pension and my children should be in the first grade.

I should be planning for my retirement, not saving my lunch money to buy the latest "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" comic.

And yet here I am.

[KeithHernandez]

A hero to us all.

Often I will tell whoever asks that I want to try living on the street or at least guitar playing/panhandling in San Francisco, it at least makes them go away.  But really, maybe I do that because I have absolutely no plans except get the fuck out of Oklahoma.

[littlefallsmets]

Or the opposite, that if the Mayans and Aztecs and so on are correct and there's going to be some kind of massive change/End-of-the-World/end of the world as we know it kinda dealy in December of 2012 then... like... hell, y'know, I'll only be 33 at that point. I would totally be able to walk into the Afterlife and say:

"What? I was supposed to be a success by 33? C'mon now. Seriously. I totally have the excuse here. I did not have enough time."

No problem, you know? Totally indemnified.

Only problem with that would be, y'know, that's when Jesus was crucified too. 33. So if the point of comparison is Jesus, I am screwed but... again, probably as screwed as anyone else would be so... again... indemnified.

[V-Adore]

Yeah, I copy the uncertainty of precisely what adulthood means and whether I've terminally fucked it up. I'm 24; when I was in high school, I thought that by now I'd be a secure grad student and married for a year or two. Instead, I broke up a month ago with the dude I was sure I was going to marry, and I'm working on a letter right now asking grad school to extend my leave of absence because I'm such a fuckup.

Goddamn, my life is hateful to me.

[V-Adore]

See, my parents have already tried that -- "at 24, I was moving up to Alaska; maybe you need a change of scenery?" I've considered it, but I don't have half the adventurousness in me that my dad has.

[CortJstr]

Or the opposite, that if the Mayans and Aztecs and so on are correct and there's going to be some kind of massive change/End-of-the-World/end of the world as we know it kinda dealy in December of 2012 then... like... hell, y'know, I'll only be 33 at that point. I would totally be able to walk into the Afterlife and say:

"What? I was supposed to be a success by 33? C'mon now. Seriously. I totally have the excuse here. I did not have enough time."

No problem, you know? Totally indemnified.

Only problem with that would be, y'know, that's when Jesus was crucified too. 33. So if the point of comparison is Jesus, I am screwed but... again, probably as screwed as anyone else would be so... again... indemnified.

I'll also be 33 in 2012. And back in middle school a ouji board predicted I'd die at 33. Of course I'm also supposed to marry this girl that annoyed the crap out of me in 6th grade and who I haven't seen since 1994.

[jay-ell]

Yeah, I copy the uncertainty of precisely what adulthood means and whether I've terminally fucked it up. I'm 24; when I was in high school, I thought that by now I'd be a secure grad student and married for a year or two. Instead, I broke up a month ago with the dude I was sure I was going to marry, and I'm working on a letter right now asking grad school to extend my leave of absence because I'm such a fuckup.

Goddamn, my life is hateful to me.

Enjoy it while you can. 

That sounds flippant, but I mean it seriously.  You don't get to be a fuckup much longer, take this opportunity to figure out what you want and how to get it. 

What you want, I assume, is not to be married to someone who isn't good for you, and not to push yourself so hard to get through grad school that you come out a hollow shell of what you once were. 

In that sense, I think you are a rousing success. 

I don't regret getting married young, but my life would have been easier if I hadn't.  Perhaps less exciting, but certainly better organized.  Trying to finish a Master's degree with a toddler and another baby on the way is not a life choice I would recommend to anyone. 

Enough crap happens that gets in your way when you only have yourself to worry about.  Being married doubles the amount of crap you have to deal with on a daily basis and does not mitigate its impact in the least. 

So hang in there like a kitty in a tree.  Not being a grownup before you turn thirty is a neat trick if you can pull it off. 

[littlefallsmets]

You don't get to be a fuckup much longer

Oh, I dunno, I'd like to see how long I can get away with it.

I'd like to make The Fat Lady sweat on that one.

[wombat]

Only problem with that would be, y'know, that's when Jesus was crucified too. 33. So if the point of comparison is Jesus, I am screwed but... again, probably as screwed as anyone else would be so... again... indemnified.

No wonder you're dissatisfied with yourself all the time, LFM, if this is a comparison that even occurs to you. Give yourself a break, already!

[littlefallsmets]

I have tried, womb@, I really have tried.

I've tried booze and weed, therapy and anti-depressants, meditation and all kinds of religions... and they've helped but they don't make it go away, they just bring down to a duller roar. I've tried singing and eating good food, I try to fuck as often as I can and all these things do is distract me for a little while. Movies and plays, books and comic books, music and radio, teevee and baseball... and it all only works for an hour or two.

I don't know how not to be hard on myself. I know that I used to not be so hard on myself, when I was a very small kid, but I haven't been able to pull it off for any length of time since I was twelve or thirteen.

I am totally up to suggestions, tho.

[linnea]

I have tried, womb@, I really have tried.

I've tried booze and weed, therapy and anti-depressants, meditation and all kinds of religions... and they've helped but they don't make it go away, they just bring down to a duller roar. I've tried singing and eating good food, I try to fuck as often as I can and all these things do is distract me for a little while. Movies and plays, books and comic books, music and radio, teevee and baseball... and it all only works for an hour or two.

I don't know how not to be hard on myself. I know that I used to not be so hard on myself, when I was a very small kid, but I haven't been able to pull it off for any length of time since I was twelve or thirteen.

I am totally up to suggestions, tho.

I am sorry to hear about that. It sounds like you've been able to adapt and have a pretty damn good life despite it, though. However, nobody should have to suffer like that. I hope you can find something that works for you.

[littlefallsmets]

Oh, I don't mean that I'm not quite happy a lot of the time. Much of the time, I am. But there is a background noise of dissatisfaction in my life and lack of fulfillment, yeah. I'm haunted by the idea that... given just a few lucky breaks, I could do and accomplish great things. Entertain people and help them be more humane to each other at the same time.

But that the breaks have not come and my psychology has not always been strong enough to follow through on things, despite my knowledge and my intentions and drive. I don't do well with rejection, I don't do well with failure. Pebbles hit in the road feel like boulders to me and I can't help it. I'm prone to headaches and backaches and mania.

Momentum never carries over for long. I dunno. But... in a given hour, in a given minute, I might be very happy indeed.

But what I feel is my potential... I haven't gotten there yet. It hasn't happened yet.

And sometimes it drives me fuck*ng mad, yeah. Yeah.