The OFFICIAL Unofficial Achewood Message Board
Trivial Pursuits => Wild Card => Topic started by: Bozack on January 18, 2006, 06:04:40 pm
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Gather around, chilluns, and let me tell you a story. A story...about pu$$ys.
Seems ol' Bozack "Polecat" Swensonsonson got hisself some ideas and went off to high-falutin' art school up in New Yahk Siddy. He didn' care for it all too much, but he met some mighty nice folk. One of them was a lady who we gonna call Sarah.
Now, Sarah had herself a problem- a septate hymen. See, when Sarah was developin' in her momma's womb, the layer of tissue covering her pu$$yl openin' didn't thin out like they usually do- it left a thin band o' tissue stretchin across her pinkest of secrets. If Sarah were ever gonna lie with a man in carnal congress, she was gonna need to get herself one a them "hymenectomies," when a gynecologist would surgically remove her hymen. It's a routine surgery, ain't too much trouble a'tall.
But Sarah's momma was onea them Roman Catholics, and she was pleased as punch that her daughter had a built-in device to protect her maidenhead. She told Sarah that she'd get her hymenectomy when she got a husband to pay for it. Sarah, bein' a modern college lady in the big city, wasn't happy about this at all. To make matters worse, since the hymenectomy would cost under $2,000, Sarah's insurance provider wouldn't cover it.
There's a reason they call ol' Bozack "Polecat"- he's crafty like one, and don't smell too nice either. He started thinkin' and thinkin', and before long, he happened upon an idea. The Internet.
The Internet helped that one idiot girl get rid of her credit card debit, and helped thousands of people get laid. Why didn't they see what it could do for Sarah?
Thus, the seed of pu$$yid was born. Bozack & Sarah are still workin' on the particulars, but he's ready and willin' to donate time and money to see Sarah get that hymenectomy.
And that's the news from New York City. Where the men are ugly, the women are mean and the children eat human flesh.
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I knew a girl in college with basically this same exact problem. Weird. Eerie.
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The question though is how to pull a return on people's investment? With crazy credit card lady, dudes were thinking they were helping out a poor lady. Dudes are always suckers for that.
With getting laid, uh, the return is getting laid.
I guess what I'm getting at is will there be before and after pictures? Cause really, that's what we're all thinking about. Right? ....right?
Dammit, once again I'm the Sick Fuck.
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I always feel a little cheated when the real name of an operation is the normal word with -ectomy on the end like lumpectomy. It sounds made up. Like people who just add -o to words to speak fake spanish.
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Truly, Bozack, you are a noble soul. May you and this lady friend of yours have good luck in freeing her pu$$y from the scourges of extremely minor birth defects.
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I guess what I'm getting at is will there be before and after pictures? Cause really, that's what we're all thinking about. Right? ....right?
Dammit, once again I'm the Sick Fuck.
Q you are a sick fuck in full size type. Be true to yourself.
If you really need any return other than to assist in this most worthy of causes... one more pu$$y in the world, one more possible chance to get laid, right? My momma always told me that that's how you guys on the Innernet think.
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Q you are a sick fuck in full size type. Be true to yourself.
If you really need any return other than to assist in this most worthy of causes... one more pu$$y in the world, one more possible chance to get laid, right? My momma always told me that that's how you guys on the Innernet think.
There, corrected that for you.
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Q you are a sick fuck in full size type. Be true to yourself.
If you really need any return other than to assist in this most worthy of causes... one more pu$$y in the world, one more possible chance to get laid, right? My momma always told me that that's how you guys on the Innernet think.
Thank you wombat for showing me the truth about my sick fuckery. Full sized sick fuckery.
And here's one can closer to that glimmering 100 for you Miss.
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Bozack, aren't there other girls in New York City who have already broken their hymen? I mean, this sounds like a long way to go just to get laid.
Also, if you were any kind of man, you'd break that hymen yourself - with your cock.
The bleeding is normal.
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So is there a website were people can go to learn more and possibly donate? Or is this by word of mouth only?
As much as I hate to admit it, I don't think many people will donate without something in return. It's not that people are selgiraffe, it's that this isn't a life and death situation so some people might not feel compelled to help. Ya know?
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As much as I hate to admit it, I don't think many people will donate without something in return. It's not that people are selgiraffe, it's that this isn't a life and death situation so some people might not feel compelled to help. Ya know?
What you do is play up the "Roman Catholic mother" angle. A lot of people on the Internet will gladly donate money if they perceive it as Striking a Blow For Sexual Freedom in the face of The Man, who is typically a religious type and/or a parent. Never underestimate the financial impact of smarmy, self-important college-age atheists.
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Weird. Eerie.
Weerie.
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Yeah, I'm thinking t-shirts. Of course, the other option is just holding a party and passing a hat; I've already pledged $300. But wouldn't pu$$yid be an awesome music festival?
Wait....
Her ex-boyfriend, who she is on good terms with, is in a band that played at the Knitting Factory the other night. If he could convince his band to take out $2000 before divying up the nights returns...
I'm doing that Grinch smile thing.
Oh, P.S., it turns out that my actual computer has a problem with the power source, which will probably cost many simoleons to fix, as well as a bunch of time. I might be in and out for a while.
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So is there a website were people can go to learn more and possibly donate? Or is this by word of mouth only?
As much as I hate to admit it, I don't think many people will donate without something in return. It's not that people are selgiraffe, it's that this isn't a life and death situation so some people might not feel compelled to help. Ya know?
Yeah, I mean, with, say, a $300 minimum donation, will you get laid? Or, at least, is it tax deductible?
Otherwise, I'd give a few bucks in the name of the poor girl getting some cock.
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This is for you Miles because you shouldn't always be the sick fuck. I think what my tender young internet offspring is saying is... as pleasurable as it is, he's tired of always having to hit it in the butt.
Am I reading this right son?
~Paul
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This is for you Miles because you shouldn't always be the sick fuck. I think what my tender young internet offspring is saying is... as pleasurable as it is, he's tired of always having to hit it in the butt.
Am I reading this right son?
~Paul
Paul, I believe I'm the sick fuck as miles so coined me. And man, I gotta say. You just made me proud. I... *wipes eyes* I have something in my eye!
*runs out of the room*
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TOUAMB: All About Sick Fucks. And Education.
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Bozack, I know a guy who will cut a NEW orifice into her that you can fuck for just $175 ($25 of that is for the Jack Daniels, i.e. anesthetic).
Let me know if you're interested in contacting him via PM. His tools are really clean, and the result will be completely sanitary for you and FUN for her.
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Yeah, I'm thinking t-shirts. Of course, the other option is just holding a party and passing a hat; I've already pledged $300. But wouldn't pu$$yid be an awesome music festival?
Wait....
Her ex-boyfriend, who she is on good terms with, is in a band that played at the Knitting Factory the other night. If he could convince his band to take out $2000 before divying up the nights returns...
I'm doing that Grinch smile thing.
Oh, P.S., it turns out that my actual computer has a problem with the power source, which will probably cost many simoleons to fix, as well as a bunch of time. I might be in and out for a while.
Oh for the love of god, sell cherries. I would pay $1 for a single cherry for said cause. Run around campus, the city, an art gallery, or throw a party/rave/box social selling cherries for cherry popping. Or even just cherry-flavoured candies. Simple.
Or find some art gallery somewhere that will allow you to do performance art, and just set out a week where you will sit in the middle of the gallery with buckets of cherries, and eat them and use empty buckets for you diarrhea, and charge a gallery admission for people to come and witness you, and there you have it, Bozack presents: Suffering with Cherries. You could also make side bets with friends in regard to how long you will last at this, how many cherries you will actually consume, etc.
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Side-Show is an artistic genius.
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Oh for the love of god, sell cherries. I would pay $1 for a single cherry for said cause. Run around campus, the city, an art gallery, or throw a party/rave/box social selling cherries for cherry popping. Or even just cherry-flavoured candies. Simple.
Or find some art gallery somewhere that will allow you to do performance art, and just set out a week where you will sit in the middle of the gallery with buckets of cherries, and eat them and use empty buckets for you diarrhea, and charge a gallery admission for people to come and witness you, and there you have it, Bozack presents: Suffering with Cherries. You could also make side bets with friends in regard to how long you will last at this, how many cherries you will actually consume, etc.
See if you can get the Cherry Poppin' Daddies (http://www.daddies.com/) to play a benefit.
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It is a pretty super idea to have a benefit concert. Do they have midwives in New York? Furthermore, do they have ilegal ghost midwives who might be willing and able to do the procedure at a discount?
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It is a pretty super idea to have a benefit concert. Do they have midwives in New York? Furthermore, do they have ilegal ghost midwives who might be willing and able to do the procedure at a discount?
I am trying to parse whether "illegal ghost midwives" designates midwives who aid in the delivery of ghost babies, presumably illegally, or midwives who are ghosts (and thus presumably are practicing without a license these days).
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There's going to be a new spin-off show of "Prison Break," "The Ghost Whisperer," and "Desperate Housewives" called "Illegal Ghost Housewives."
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How did the conversation go when she explained that you can't have sex with her because her lid's on too tight? I bet that was fun.
Raise this money on the Innernet by removing any appearance of your participation. Position her as a needy maiden, set up a PayPal account, and promise a Before-and-After picture (just a close-up - nothing with any distinguishing characteristics) to the highest contributor. Then, look for some specialized fetish chat rooms and see if you can find a few dozen dudes who'll fight each other to be the most generous investor. You have to remove yourself from the request because guys will help a lady but they will not help a lady who obviously has a man. She must present at least the illusion of availability.
She'll get her money, you'll get an unlocked safe, and several Internet freaks will have some imagination fodder to last them until the next keg needs tapped.
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Sara and I will pledge a few bucks as soon as the Paypal account is set up. As Sara put it: "As a Catholic myself, I understand... we already have a lot getting in the way."
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Hahaha, not my ladyfriend!
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So wait, you've pledged $300 to open up a chick you're not going to get to bang afterwards? Man, I can toss a couple bucks to her without worrying about it, but if I was putting down three hundo, I'd want some return on my investment.
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You could probably offer a dude on the street 20 bucks and he could perform the surgery just as well as any doctor can. My only advice: sterilize the icepick.
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i don't mean to be overly cynical about your nice friend that i've never met and know nothing about, Bozack, but this screams:
"uh, i'm really busy, er, washing my, uh, hair, this, um, decade, sorry.
but we can still meet every day before class so you can give me the homework and essays like normal.
oh,
and,
next time? use a second coat of wax."
to me.
from where i'm at right now, versus where i've been, i'd say raise the money and use it to remove excess moles on your body that right now are harmless but will quickly turn carniverous and devour your body.
then tell her "if it was a valid problem, you would have come up with a solution yourself. i've just extended my quality of life about 1.316 years. i had a little of the donation money left over, but i'm going to go buy some multivitamins, because men can suffer ill affects from calcium deficiency, just as well as women. ciao."
but that's me.
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What happened to you doing your hiatus, Ark? That is pretty cynical. Not to mention really, really possible.
Before and after pictures required.
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EDIT: Do not thwart the censors. They exist for a reason. -- The Mgt.
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Geez, Ark, what the hell got into you lately? As far as I can see, Bozack's female friend (as differentiated from ladyfriend) never offered nookie, and Bozack doesn't expect it. Both of them seem to be honest about this, and if Bozack expects anything in return besides verbal thanks, it's not coming through here. Take a freakin' chill pill and let him do something nice for a friend, even if it involves a pink secret he may not have access to.
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What happened to you doing your hiatus, Ark? That is pretty cynical. Not to mention really, really possible.
Before and after pictures required.
i've been told that generally i have a tendency to sometimes be somewhat, to a degree, be cynical.
my hiatus involved deep soul searching, chewing of my head by cats, re-enrollment into community college, head colds, holiday seasons, and long walks on the beach under a killing moon, and continual planning and re-adjustment of wedding plans.
Before:
(http://www.themisc.com/~kevbob/happytoo.jpg)
After:
(http://touamb.com/avatars/Actors/Cameron_Diaz.jpg)
Geez, Ark, what the hell got into you lately? As far as I can see, Bozack's female friend (as differentiated from ladyfriend) never offered nookie, and Bozack doesn't expect it. Both of them seem to be honest about this, and if Bozack expects anything in return besides verbal thanks, it's not coming through here. Take a freakin' chill pill and let him do something nice for a friend, even if it involves a pink secret he may not have access to.
if i told you i had already taken my daily/weekly/monthly quota of Dr Recommended, Child Approved, Big Ol' Gob O' Dobbs' Chill Pills Guaranteed to cure All Ills, it would prove to all beyond any shadow of a doubt that i am irreconcilably beyond any and all help.
so i won't.
instead i'll poorly construct a vision of Bozack as representative of my lost and ill-spent youth,
and how i harbour a jealousy towards his freedom,
an elder's fondness of the pluck of youth,
and 3 parts Worstechershire to 2 parts Seasoned Salt.
Bozack was a fine young man: hirsute, forthright, honest, plucky, and loved by many a small woodland creature.
to the Big City he came, with open eyes and open nose,
to quickly learn not to stare and to close his nose.
Many a travel and travail had he in a windy city (not THE windy city),
and many a tail did he tell about.
The world is full of many people,
and many of those people would not hesitate to allow you to wax their car twice on
false pretenses (assumed or expressed or hidden or on a sleeve or in a cap).
These people consider living to be a competition, and their only desire is not to lose.
In their game, everyone is in the field of play, and any who do not play are to be used
all the more for their lack of appreciation for the rules.
At the end, however, i would recommend tilting at other windmills,
rather than chasing the will o' the wisp that is opening the pu$$y of friends
and family through modern medicine and its practice therein. To my appreciation,
there are larger things afoot than a mere Hymenotomy.
now, quickly, to The Hymenopter.
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also, spell check kicks ass! no i have no excuse not to capitalize "i've". excellent!
i, however, could not spell irreconcailllabbbily write, thoe.
it gave up on worstecherershireshire-derby though.
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In my role as Official Out of It Person: am I supposed to recognize the woman in Ark's avatar? I assume it is not Ark because he did not mention a sex change operation in the description of his hiatus.
I'm going to miss the tooth.
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now, quickly, to The Hymenopter.
I'm relatively sure that the Hymenoptera (http://www.uky.edu/Ag/Entomology/ythfacts/4h/unit3/hymenex.gif) can't help much here.
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In my role as Official Out of It Person: am I supposed to recognize the woman in Ark's avatar? I assume it is not Ark because he did not mention a sex change operation in the description of his hiatus.
I'm going to miss the tooth.
Cameron Diaz
I wish I didn't have part of my brain taken up by recognizing "famous" people.
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Cameron Diaz
I wish I didn't have part of my brain taken up by recognizing "famous" people.
Ewww! Is that really Cameron Diaz? I'll admit it does resemble her but it's a baaaad picture.
Edit: Here, I found a better one: (http://baldstars.fineststars.com/baldstar/index/c/cameron%20diaz/cameron%20diaz%2003.jpg)
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I'm relatively sure that the Hymenoptera (http://www.uky.edu/Ag/Entomology/ythfacts/4h/unit3/hymenex.gif) can't help much here.
I'd say the Hymenopter lifted the conversation in a vertical matter and quickly zoomed in a different direction quite well.
Wombat-
Paul wanted the tooth to take off the hat,
the tooth didn't want to take off the hat,
the tooth is sitting in the time out corner for
sassing.
the cameron diaz picture is one of the forum default avatar pictures.
i'm easily amused.
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i've been told that generally i have a tendency to sometimes be somewhat, to a degree, be cynical.
my hiatus involved deep soul searching, chewing of my head by cats, re-enrollment into community college, head colds, holiday seasons, and long walks on the beach under a killing moon, and continual planning and re-adjustment of wedding plans.
Say no more, my friend. Say no more.
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I'm not surprised that that's a sassy tooth.
And yeah, what's this about a wedding?
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I'm not surprised that that's a sassy tooth.
And yeah, what's this about a wedding?
I told him to say no more!
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He keeps trading up. These things take time. And he's the most inept that ever stepped.