The OFFICIAL Unofficial Achewood Message Board
Trivial Pursuits => Sports & Leisure => Topic started by: Bobby Isosceles on April 15, 2007, 05:12:33 pm
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For seven years now, I have celebrated a holiday of my own devising: Baco de Mayo. It is the annual holiday celebrating all things bacon. Every year my ever-expanding circle of bacon devotees gather together, cook something on the order of fifty pounds of bacon, celebrate, etc.
Every year has been a step up from the last. We've smoked our own bacon, with some minor setbacks:
(http://www.bobbyisosceles.com/images/joeysmoker.jpg)
We make soap from the fat, Fight Club style (last year's was tea-tree oil scented).
And we make things that should never be made with bacon:
Bacon stir-fried in cracked pepper and whisky.
Bacon oatmeal cookies.
Maple syrup ice cream with bacon bits.
Bacon foster.
Bacon shwarma.
Beer battered deep fried bacon.
But this year I have conceived something so bacony, so awesome, that I must step back and exclaim: VAE, PUTO DEUS FIO.
Behold: DEEP FRIED SCOTCH BACON CHEESECAKE.
Step 1: make a maple cheesecake with bits of bacon in suspension, with a caramelized coating of bacon bits on the top, akin to a fruit cheesecake.
Step 2: chill this cheesecake to near freezing.
Step 3: dip the cheesecake in beer batter, the thicker the better.
Step 4: roll the battered cheesecake in a "crumb-coat" of crispy bacon bits
Step 5: DEEP FRY.
Serve with ice cream, defibrilliator
And for those who are so inclined:
(http://mike.13th-floor.org/baconday.jpg) (http://events.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=events.detail&eventID=324417.15108)
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Wow. I think I'm getting chest pains just reading that recipe.
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Bobby, no!
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A narrative fills my mind, of Mr. Onstad hopping onto the Achewood corporate jet with a few sixers of high-end imported beer and two packs of Bacon-of-the-Month-Club bacon, dressed as the lead character from the comic book "Preacher"... heading to Bobby's like some sort of Old West meatsmen, heading to an Old West meat challenge between two grizzled Old West meatslingers.
One of them dies right near the end of the greatest meat showdown you've ever seen and when people try to throw up a cheer for the victor, the winner is all like "NO CHEERING! NO fuck*ng CHEERING! WE HAVE LOST A GREAT MAN TODAY! WE LOST... A MEATSLINGER... AND WE ARE ALL THE fuck*ng LESSER FOR IT! LEAVE US!"
...and he would sit shiva with the body, fending off the wolves until a proper undertaker could arrive to prepare the body for a proper Meatslinger's funeral and burial, with all the dignity and grace deserved to a man of such talents.
A young newspaper writer would come with the undertaker, probably the undertaker's son or something, an enthusiastic dude trying to make his name with the first article on the biggest death that meat had ever seen... I imagine him looking a bit like a cross between Jimmy Olsen and Jack London as portrayed in that one Star Trek episode with Mark Twain?
He'd say "Mister, they say you're the greatest meatslinger ever and the second greatest ever just died in your arms as you wept bitter tears."
"...they say a lot of things, kid."
"They say you've mastered bacon, they say they're going to exterminate all pigs so no one can ever sully your work again. They say you're just that good. Can't you just give me a few words for my story?"
"I'm busy here, I have to see to the burial of a good man."
"But... but... it would make my career! They say you are a man of meat! They say you're a man of vision!"
And he would look down at the fallen meatcomrade who in the span of a few hours he had hated and respected and loved as only one meatslinger can love another and finally mourned as only one meatslinger can mourn another meat slinger... and then he would look at the dusty road ahead for him and the undertaker and the corpse and he would say:
"Yeah. One hell of a vision."
And the newspaper man would be left in that dust, to sit there and wonder.
This is what I was made to imagine.
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...and he would sit shiva with the body, fending off the wolves until a proper undertaker could arrive to prepare the body for a proper Meatslinger's funeral and burial, with all the dignity and grace deserved to a man of such talents.
The Meatslinger's own secret seven-spice dry-rub and three days of low-heat applewood smoking is the only funereal preparation required.
Onstad should be honored to be hung up and smoked. I would dip him, Hasmonean-style, into a tub of jamaican jerk sauce and cold-smoke until he is dessicated and mummified, an open-air burial that preserves his ka for the after life. His epitaph: A jerk he was in life, and jerked jerky he shall be ever after.
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Whoa....
Does Onstad make you feel inadequate, Bobby?
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so, in other words you want maximum cuddles plus marriage with Onstadt? Is that what you're saying here?
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Do you guys really donate money to an animal rescue foundation? How much did you donate last year?
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so, in other words you want maximum cuddles plus marriage with Onstadt? Is that what you're saying here?
He appears to want Mega Hugzz Plus Marriage with Onstad's ka in the afterlife, even. Freaky!
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Do you guys really donate money to an animal rescue foundation? How much did you donate last year?
None last year. The donation is new because the people donating the land (the vet clinic, with about 30 acres, ten or so of which will be for the concert grounds) are friends of mine, and they mentioned they were still in the hole for taking care of Katrina dogs. They refuse to destroy animals, so it's a cost that I'd like to help defray.
The origins of this lie in a joke I had to have donations to PETA on a day exclusively dedicated to eating factory-raised pork products.
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Bobby, you are truly the best of us.
Any recipe that starts off with the assumption that one knows how to make bacon cheesecake is a truly wonderful thing.
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He appears to want Mega Hugzz Plus Marriage with Onstad's ka in the afterlife, even. Freaky!
I wouldn't mind some free, non-mocking, publicity from him. I'm already giving a little promo video to the Tiki Bar TV guys.
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Meatslinger sounds more like a euphemism for porn star.
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Pictures from this year's event:
Baco de Mayo 2007 (http://chiaroscu.ro/art/main.php?g2_itemId=411)
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The redhead in the white shirt looks like my sister. I don't think she would appear at a bacon celebration, however.
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The dogs certainly seemed to be enjoying themselves.
Who was the character in the buccaneer coat and pith helmet? Also, the dude busting moves onstage with the pink shirt and what looked like a devo hat was pretty amazing.
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Wait - is that bacon in the deep fryer?
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Wait - is that bacon in the deep fryer?
Fried till crispy, then double-beer-battered.
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Those are some really crappy pictures of what looks like a really fun event.
Have you seen this (http://www.flickr.com/photos/pmcd9/511983030/)?
You should work on getting Erika to attend your event next year. If you billed it as the worlds largest bacon cook off she wouldn't be able to resist. She loves all things worlds largest (http://www.worldslargestthings.com/index.htm).
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Who was the character in the buccaneer coat and pith helmet?
Whoever he is, he's sure handsome.
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Those are some really crappy pictures of what looks like a really fun event.
I dunno, some pictures turned out nice, like
(http://chiaroscu.ro/art/main.php?g2_view=core.DownloadItem&g2_itemId=922&g2_serialNumber=1)
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My God, it's full of bacon!
Also, those are some very happy-looking dogs. I can't blame them.
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I've never had deep fried bacon. It is a line I will not cross. It sounds good, but in the same way as some people have described the first hit of heroin to be: i.e really fuck*ng good, but a really fuck*ng bad idea in the long term, likely to get out of controle with someone like me.
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Wow - I haven't seen a beer bong in 20 years and now I've seen two in the course of a week. Good party, Bobby.
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Bobby, I think you need a shirt with the Bacon Flowchart. (http://www.boingboing.net/2007/12/21/web-zen-bacon-zen.html)
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To everyone that thinks they are being witty and/or amusing me by sending me any piece of trivia or any product bacon related:
Stop. You aren't.
At least twenty other people have sent them to me first, usually via IRC.
I appreciate the intent, please stop now.
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I always loved this commercial (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvxgM3lr-mg).
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I always loved this commercial (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvxgM3lr-mg).
Heh!
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I always loved this commercial (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvxgM3lr-mg).
I can't read!!!!
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Has anyone tried the bacon chocolate bar? (http://www.vosgeschocolate.com/product/bacon_exotic_candy_bar/exotic_candy_bars)
I ordered one for Christmas for the Technical Staff. Unfortunately I didn't pick the right kind of shipping and now it's sitting in some UPS facility over the weekend... I hope it's cold enough there.
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It's more the rats that I'd worry about.
This reminds me, for no other reason other than that it's disgusting and involved animals: The SO and I' pulled into a parking lot, and saw some chickadee's going crazy over something they were eating. To my horror, as we drew closer, we realized it was a McNugget. Noooooo!
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My sister's cockatiels go NUTS over scrambled eggs. I can't decide if it amuses me, or makes me kinda sad.
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I just read a comic yesterday where the guy realizes that the pigeons in front of him are going nuts over a fried chicken leg. He gets mad at them, and throws it down a gutter.
The comic was so bad and pretentious that it made me mad.
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I always loved this commercial (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvxgM3lr-mg).
Good, but I prefer Snausages. In fact, to this day I am almost incapable of saying the word "sausage."
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Has anyone tried the bacon chocolate bar? (http://www.vosgeschocolate.com/product/bacon_exotic_candy_bar/exotic_candy_bars)
I bet Bobby's tried it, because he's King Fuck-All of Flitch (http://touamb.com/index.php/topic,3622.msg110100.html#msg110100), the Prince of Pancetta, and there's nothing new under the applewood-smoked sun that you could possibly ever share with him that wouldn't bore him (http://touamb.com/index.php/topic,3622.msg110100.html#msg110100) to tears - greasy, pork-scented tears.
His friends (at least 20 (http://touamb.com/index.php/topic,3622.msg110100.html#msg110100) of them) have also tried it, because they too are at the bleeding cleaver's edge of all things rasher-related and bacon-borne. But don't tell him about it or ask any questions because the Lord of the Lardon is bored by your attempts to enjoy bacon at the same level he does. Know that you'll be the 21st (http://touamb.com/index.php/topic,3622.msg110100.html#msg110100) person to engage him in a collop klatch, and you're probably not even going to do it over IRC (http://touamb.com/index.php/topic,3622.msg110100.html#msg110100) so that makes you even MORE behind the times.
We can only wait and hope that Bobby will bless us with his review of the bacon chocolate bar (plus his reasons for hating it and preferring an obviously-superior competitor you've never heard of), because his is the One True Opinion (http://touamb.com/index.php/topic,3622.msg110100.html#msg110100) in all matters of cured meat. Anything else will be met with Bobby's scorn and ridicule, followed by a condescending suggestion that you leave him alone. (http://touamb.com/index.php/topic,3622.msg110100.html#msg110100)
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Yeah. I miss him too.
The bacon chocolate bar turns out to be milk chocolate - this seems even more wrong than if it were dark chocolate. The only way I can describe it is that it tastes confusing. It does not strike me as a brilliant new combination that is more than the sum of its parts, or anything.
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There's an ice cream place in Rehoboth Beach, Delaware that serves a bacon ice cream.
I didn't try it.
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You know, I've seen that ice cream many times and never even asked for a taste, and now I'm sorry. Oh well, next summer. I think bacon and ice cream will end up being wrong too, though. There has to be some way to make a bacon sweet, because bacon is really good with maple syrup, but it doesn't seem like anyone's done it right yet.
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Yeah. I miss him too.
Cans for both of you!
And for Bobby, if he shows.
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apparently one of those Molecular Gastronomy guys made Bacon Ice Cream as an early experiment, and found out that the fat freezes in a way that screws up the texture and makes it weirdly frozen-greasy. Maybe these people have figured out how to fix this.
Lately I am thinking that I will stop eating pork. 1. Pigs are apparently pretty smart and emotional and stuff. 2. Lately when I look at ham, it is just gross to me. It's too pink and flesh-looking. Bacon is rad, but I might give it up so that there is one unhealthy thing in the world that I don't eat, and also for reason 1.
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I love pigs in all their forms. They are utterly charming when alive but if they're so smart, they really ought to figure out how not to be so delicious.
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now that I am off of ham, I think it would be pretty easy to get off of pork altogether. I like turkey sausage, and hotdogs and salami and such come in Kosher varieties which are delicious. The best sandwich I have ever had was a Kosher Salami sandwich at this Jewish deli in St Louis. I put cheese on it, though, so it was not kosher any more.
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bacon ice cream, bacon chocolate.
Everyone wants to create the next big thing in food, but all of the great combinations have already been created. See also fried shit at the state fair.
Also, can for tn.
Also again, ti, are you jewish now?
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The other night I watched the episode of Anthony Bourdain's "A Cook's Tour" where he goes to his boss's family farm in Portugal for the big pig feast. They slaughter a pig and use every single bit of it in some dish or other.
And it all looked delicious. So those who say they're going to stop eating pig for whatever reason, we'll just have to agree to disagree.
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no. Judaism makes a lot of sense to me, but spirituality is not something that is important to me at this point in my life. I do not really feel like there is a gap there. If there is, one day, maybe I will pursue it. I guess in that situation, not eating pork would be positive.
Also, my friend said that her friend Hannah would "probably" marry me if I converted. So I guess there's always that. That conversation actually happened, but it was 90% just a joke. That would be either really crass or really romantic, depending.
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Every part? The eyes? The tail? The hair? Certainly not every part... I hope.
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Bourdain eats eyes all the time, is my impression of that show. Although hair... not so much.
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Also again, ti, are you jewish now?
Nah man, he ain't jewish, he just don't dig on swine that's all.
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I could give up pork, much like I could give up Burger King Whoppers, sex, or doughnuts.
The question is... why?
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I done tole you and tole you, I'm off the pig. (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0074281/)
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But bacon tastes gooood. Pork chops taste gooood. (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110912/quotes)
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That'll do pig. That'll do. (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112431/)
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Worlds Largest Hog (http://www.flickr.com/photos/pmcd9/1325324657/)
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Christ, that's just such a great name for a link, I don't even wanna click it.
I don't wanna ruin the mystique.
Here, here is another tiny can of soda for the shelves of Paul's Boutique.
Your link title was that good.
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Worlds Largest Hog (http://www.flickr.com/photos/pmcd9/1325324657/)
Your facial expression is priceless! It's like you're saying "What?!"
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I would say "what?" if faced with that hog.
If it's actually made out of pig iron, that is easily the largest and heaviest pun I've ever seen.
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I am sorry you were in Dothan.
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I would say "what?" if faced with that hog.
If it's actually made out of pig iron, that is easily the largest and heaviest pun I've ever seen.
Yeah, I imagine the maker of that pig, lugging around hunks of pig iron, reassuring himself "This is hard work, but it will be so worth it. This is so funny." And then at the unveiling, golf claps and polite chuckles from the owner of Dothan Recycling, and the maker is all "don't you get it? It's a pig, made out of pig iron!"
"Oh, yeah... I get it. Funny."
"No - I spent 3 days hauling iron around. I lost 30 pounds of sweat welding it together."
"Yeah, and I said it's funny."
"But you didn't laugh - not really."
"Oh, well, it's cute. Ha."
"See - that was a forced laugh."
"Look you need to calm down."
"No! I will not calm down! I spent weeks drafting this pig out! I consulted with Carrot Top's design team! This is funny! You just don't know what funny is!"
"Okay. Okay Mr. Smith... we like your pig! Dothan Recycling is prepared to pay you..."
"You suits just don't get me! I'm an artist! That pig... that pig is personal. It's my heart up there!"
"Sure... okay"
"Why are you taking out your cell phone!"
"I'm... I think I should call your wife."
"No. No god damn it! Look at my pig. Look at it! You need to see my pig. You need to really see it."
"Yeah, I'm calling Nancy."
Later Mr.Smith's wife Nancy divorces him and he takes out the owner of Dothan Recycling before returning to the pig statue where he attempts to destroy the pig. Sadly though, the pig will not fall - pig iron is sturdy, and his welding job of such high quality. Mr. Smith climbs a top the pig as rain starts to fall, and begins clanging a shovel over the pig's face, making only cursory scratches. In a final swing of the shovel Mr. Smith accidentally cuts loose the overhead wires and electrocutes himself. The local paper prints the headline "Death by Piggyback" with an accompanying article rife with references to barbecue, pig headedness, etc. Sadly, no one laughs at the article either. This is why puns are so horrible. They're not just weak humour - they kill.
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I consulted with Carrot Top's design team!
The best thing about Carrot Top is Mr. Show's parody of him: Blueberry Head.
Of course, his image is everywhere in Vegas due to his show at the Luxor. We took to just calling him Satan, because of the surgery.
(http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a274/Nabubrush/carrot-top.jpg)
I'd have tossed in a picture of the results of the HGH and steroids, but I'll leave that as a exercise for the viewer.
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probably the number one thing that makes me so glad that we officially live in The Future is that I can see that, say "huh, I have never seen that episode of Mr Show," and instead of going out and buying all the DVDs, I can look that shit up on youtube.
...it seems, though, that congress, copyright lawyers, the RIAA, and a lot of other people don't want to live in the future, though.
I mean, for the love of God, I collect vinyl records and I love putting songs on my iPod. How can they think that saying it is illegal to copy a CD to your computer is a viable business model?
at the same time, lately my computer/youtube don't want to be in the future, either.... searches on youtube are taking forever. Is anyone else having this problem?
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The best thing about Carrot Top is Mr. Show's parody of him: Blueberry Head.
Of course, his image is everywhere in Vegas due to his show at the Luxor. We took to just calling him Satan, because of the surgery.
(http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a274/Nabubrush/carrot-top.jpg)
I'd have tossed in a picture of the results of the HGH and steroids, but I'll leave that as a exercise for the viewer.
I don't want to show people those pics, but I saw them a while back and could easily find them again. Just yuck. He also seems to be somewhere on the awkward side of gender transitioning too, with the eye liner, the makeup and the ladyish hair and clothes. Usually a slight hint of femminess is pretty hot to me, but no - not in this case. Never.
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Eventually he and Axl Rose will be indistinguishable.
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Well I've heard all couples end up looking like each other if they're together long enough, so probably. Yeah.
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Well I've heard all couples end up looking like each other if they're together long enough, so probably. Yeah.
Zing! Oh man, that's worth a sixer.
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What the fuck happened here? Did my pun cause all of this trouble?