The OFFICIAL Unofficial Achewood Message Board
Achewood => Achewood => Topic started by: oball on October 29, 2007, 06:09:31 am
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Link. (http://achewood.com/index.php?date=10292007)
OK, that Snoop Dogg bit is kind of disturbing.
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oh lord. oh lord.
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If only we, the each of us, could have a personal Peter Gabriel who would handle all the serious matters in lieu of our efforts toward those ends. Save that energy for more important things like writing the Great American Novel... and even then...
Peter Gabriel would give us each a copy of "Cat's Cradle" and show us that this thing had been already done, leaving us to accomplish whatever the hell we want to and sell it by the pound. Write a novel about the wasted greatness of America, instead, perhaps.
And never never never use Snoop Dogg's c*ck to dry us off after a car wash.
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I do not want to know what the rollers in Snoop Dog's car wash are made of.
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That eat plants your parents despise line is classic.
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If only we, the each of us, could have a personal Peter Gabriel who would handle all the serious matters in lieu of our efforts toward those ends.
"Oh, man... did I remember to lock the door? Ah - Peter will take care of that."
"Oh damn... did I turn the oven off? No worries - Peter always checks to make sure it's off."
"Did I take my pills this morning? Nope. Oh well - I'll just call Peter and he'll bring them buy my office with a nice glass of water to take them with."
Then the one day Peter's off making out with Sinead O'Connor I get hit by a car. And who do I blame? Certainly not me. Where the hell was Peter?
(That reminds me, I really did forget to take my pills this morning... Peter Gabriel, where are you when I need you?)
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Philippe always wondered if he was fantastic. Luckily now he knows. I wish Mr. Bear would confirm my fantasitiosity.
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Am I wrong in inferring that we pretty much just got a nice play by play of Mr. Bear's life up until now?
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Yeah, I loved this one all over. Philippe has a wonderfully awed-child expression on panel 3. Also, to stop considering writing seriously just because some vague yearning for complete originality was destroyed... shame on you mr Bear, shame on you.
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Am I wrong in inferring that we pretty much just got a nice play by play of Mr. Bear's life up until now?
Well, he didn't mention the "jazz cigarettes"... which is the coolest term for marijuana ever and, also, since he's old was probably the term when he sparked 'em up.
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Musicians i want to shower with: Fiona apple, ani difranco, jessica simpson
Musicians i never want to shower with: 50 cent and the G unit, Bob Dylan, George Michael
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Musicians i never want to shower with: 50 cent and the G unit, Bob Dylan, George Michael
Oh god is there some way to wash my mind out with soap and get rid of these images?
I'm just thankful I don't know who "the G unit" is.
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Musicians i want to shower with: Fiona apple, ani difranco, jessica simpson
Musicians i never want to shower with: 50 cent and the G unit, Bob Dylan, George Michael
I think that your definition of "musician" may be slightly different than mine.
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Musicians i want to shower with: Fiona apple, ani difranco, jessica simpson
seriously? what?
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seriously? what?
We would make the sweetest of music. In the shower.
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dude, she would hate everything about you and stomp on your 'nads.
Are you attracted to really annoying bitches? is that your thing? Even I think she's everything that's wrong with liberals.
"oh man, george bush... he's such a douche!/
I'm going to move to Canada... because he's a douche!/
He likes guns, and hates abortion, and muslims!/
he really likes jesus, but, he is a fake christian who is a dick!"
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dude, she would hate everything about you and stomp on your 'nads.
Are you attracted to really annoying bitches? is that your thing? Even I think she's everything that's wrong with liberals.
I actually get along well with liberal women in real life. We just find each other so ridiculous that it makes things... jovial? Ani is just so silly. But we probably wouldnt talk politics while were wet in the shower together, that aint my style.
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At one point, my girlfriend was listening to way too much Ani DiFranco and so I wrote an Ani DiFranco parody song. I don't remember the exact words, but it was about a girl whose boyfriend watched so much football that she had to leave him so she could eat pussy. Like, as if she had been completely straight until... like... the NFC Championship Game, which overloaded her circuits and flipped her lesbian switch from "stop" to "go".
I would definitely not want to shower with Fiona Apple. She's like, three pounds. Except for the skin tone and the pu$$y, she looks like one of those Ethiopian boys in the Sally Struthers commericals. I could start feeling guilty and wanna give her "just pennies a day" or something.
Ani DiFranco is mildly attractive but... yes... I have to imagine she freaks out at the sight of nards and just claws them off a dude.
And I kinda like my nards. They're useful.
Jessica Simpson's sorta cute in a big fake trashy kinda way. I'd shower with her but I'd quickly feel guilty about it. Sort of like if you were given a RealDoll as a gift: of course you'd fuck it once, just to see what fuck*ng it was like, but maaaaaaaaan after that you'd be so weirded out and ashamed that you'd have to bury it in the yard.
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Jessica Simpson's sorta cute in a big fake trashy kinda way. I'd shower with her but I'd quickly feel guilty about it. Sort of like if you were given a RealDoll as a gift: of course you'd fuck it once, just to see what fuck*ng it was like, but maaaaaaaaan after that you'd be so weirded out and ashamed that you'd have to bury it in the yard.
Did you see the documentary about the Realdoll people? Man they are fuck*ng WEIRD. Id feel better if they were registered on some kind of list so Id know if i lived near one.
Also, these arent musicians Id marry, but they'd be fun in a shower. As opposed to Bob Dylan, I could dig on hanging out with him for awhile, but I would probably vomit if I had to ask him to hand me the shampoo.
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As opposed to Bob Dylan, I could dig on hanging out with him for awhile, but I would probably vomit if I had to ask him to hand me the shampoo.
I BEG you, PLEASE STOP!
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The idea of having a Real Doll just to pose and use as post-modern art... if you had the money to blow on that sort of thing... wouldn't really be all that bad. Again, you'd basically HAVE to fuck it once to see what it was like but... if after that, it was just a crazy conversation piece?
I could dig it.
But yeah. Those people don't just treat it like a piece of outsider art that they fucked once.
Names and backstories and fantasy worlds and stuff. Like a Cabbage Patch doll that grew up with a functional pussy.
Insanity.
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I wish Mr. Bear would confirm my fantasitiosity.
I'm no Mr. Bear, but I hearby confirm your fantasticosity.
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Those people don't just treat it like a piece of outsider art that they fucked once.
(...)
Insanity.
[AIDS-joke-monkey]Yeah, man, what gives.[/AJM]
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The was a segment on the HBO show Real Sex where the maker of the Real Dolls had these (very attractive) women come in and test out the new male Real Doll that he made (by which I mean, of course, they fucked it), and it was actually the exact opposite of weird, by which I mean that it is the kind of thing of which we need more in this world (plus, it was hot). And this got me thinking: if a woman owns a dildo, we applaud her for being Awesome, but if a man owns a Fleshlight (http://www.fleshlight.com), we shun him for being Creepy (it is at this point where the analogy becomes clear "female Real Doll : Fleshlight :: male Real Doll : dildo"). Here's the kicker: I don't think this double standard is wrong. I think it is an accurate descriptor of the natural order of things. Does this make me a misandrist? I have a feeling most people would agree with me. Does this make us all misandrists?
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And this got me thinking: if a woman owns a dildo, we applaud her for being Awesome, but if a man owns a Fleshlight (http://www.fleshlight.com), we shun him for being Creepy
I wouldn't applaud a lady for owning a dildo, but I might giver her a hand.
ahhh...
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As opposed to Bob Dylan, I could dig on hanging out with him for awhile, but I would probably vomit if I had to ask him to hand me the shampoo.
I BEG you, PLEASE STOP!
Cans to both of you for making tears squirt out of my eyes
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In other news, college has not made me a better person.
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I wouldn't applaud a lady for owning a dildo, but I might giver her a hand.
ahhh...
Ba-dump-bump!
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At one point, my girlfriend was listening to way too much Ani DiFranco and so I wrote an Ani DiFranco parody song. I don't remember the exact words, but it was about a girl whose boyfriend watched so much football that she had to leave him so she could eat pussy. Like, as if she had been completely straight until... like... the NFC Championship Game, which overloaded her circuits and flipped her lesbian switch from "stop" to "go".
Excellent.
I mean, just the concept is a skewering enough, but if you actually wrote lyrics on paper, that is a Fatality.
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The idea of having a Real Doll just to pose and use as post-modern art... if you had the money to blow on that sort of thing... wouldn't really be all that bad.
We discussed this on another forum I post on a while back, and I had this idea:
I'd get about 50, all replicas of me, and leave them all over the house doing different things. One sitting watching TV, one doing gardening, one in the shower, one dressed as a butler next to the door, one in a cupboard with a knife in its chest.
It would creep the hell out of visitors.
Obviously, them being replicas of me, I wouldn't want to fuck them.
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I think the issue with the RealDoll, to me, is the Uncanny Valley effect -- there's something very unnerving about something that is almost human but not quite, especially when one is engaging in one of the most intimate human acts with it. Sex is something that, for better or worse, is associated with some degree of emotional connection or chemistry, and RealDolls are unnerving because they're just humanlike enough that you can pretend you have a connection with it. Eerie.
(I will say that I have no issues with dudes owning Fleshlights and the like. A Fleshlight is a masturbatory aid, the same as a dildo; you probably don't name it, and you certainly don't dress it up and pose it on your couch.)
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I guess that... it's like...
From my experience as a dude and with ladies, it seems like a lot more work really needs to go INTO getting a lady properly off. So having all sorts of tools around for the job makes a good deal of sense.
Maybe it's just me here and I'm projecting my needs onto all other guys but... hand and a mental picture of two or three of my most attractive female friends naked... yeah, that's always been just about all I ever needed.
I never even understood the whole "Jergens" thing.
Hand, naked imaginings, maybe a beat-up tee-shirt for quick clean-up.
To get some ladies in certain moods off, it's like a magical incantation that you gotta get juuuust right. Even if they're the ones doing the work.
To get a guy off most of the time, even if you're doing it yourself, should be slightly less difficult than setting up a pot of coffee.
I guess I feel the way about a guy with a sex toy the way I feel about a dude who puts on, like, elbow pads and knee pads and shin guards and shit to get on a bicycle, just to ride on surface streets, not even go into nature or anything.
Like "fuck you, man, who are you trying to fool?"
Put on the helmet and go your quarter-mile to the liquor store, douchebag.
The odds of a dirt trail popping up between here and there are very very very low.
Body armour is not required. Get the job done.
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I think the issue with the RealDoll, to me, is the Uncanny Valley effect -- there's something very unnerving about something that is almost human but not quite, especially when one is engaging in one of the most intimate human acts with it. Sex is something that, for better or worse, is associated with some degree of emotional connection or chemistry, and RealDolls are unnerving because they're just humanlike enough that you can pretend you have a connection with it. Eerie.
Right. The scariest part about realdolls, to me, is that the owners do form emotional connections. They arent just fucktoys to them. Maybe the guys i saw in the documentary werent the best representative sample, but they were way... way... to into it on every level.
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I have to wonder what percentage of RealDoll owners buy them as complete relationship replacements -- i.e., for whatever reason they've given up on ever being in a long-lasting relationship with an actual human being, so they buy the next best thing. I have to imagine that motivation would attract two distinct and scary groups of people:
1) Guys who are seriously lonely and inept, to the point that they've given up on women and can only form an emotional connection with a toy because there's no risk of rejection; and
2) Guys who have never been able to form any kind of emotional relationship with women at all, and who probably view relationships/marriages as "support woman with money, receive sex in exchange." Why not pay at a premium to have a permanent partner with no needs?
This is creepy stuff. I'd be shocked if this doesn't get an extensive sociology publication at some point, because dang.
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3.) Dudes dealing with a severe necrophilia fetish along with a severe dislike of prison.
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In a weird way, the idea of RealDolls as a toy for necrophilia/doll fetishists is the least terrifying option. At least they know and appreciate that their sex object is mindless and can't return affection, you know?
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Back to Bob Dylan: I used to listen to Bob while enjoying a nice bath in the clawfoot tub in the last apartment I had while single. Bob was my regular bath time music. So Bob has been around while I shaved my legs and such. I never thought of cleaning Bob though. I bet all those creases get dirty.
I'm a fan of Ani Difranco's older stuff, but I don't know... she always looks a little unwashed to me.
I hate their music but I'd shower with that guy from Maroon five. Or Justine Timberlake. Or Regina Spektor (whose music I do like).
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One of my best friends from high school went to college with Ms. Spektor and had a raaaaaaaaging crush on her, long before she was famous. Or at least claimed to have a crush on her. Since he finally came out of the closet, he has only dated men despite claiming continued bisexuality so...
It might've been more of one of those "I wanna BE her" things instead of one of those "I wanna be IN her" things.
When I saw her album on the shelf and I put two and two together that she was my buddy Adam's beard-crush at SUNY-Purchase... oh man... I got me some laughs outta that one.
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One of my best friends from high school went to college with Ms. Spektor and had a raaaaaaaaging crush on her, long before she was famous. Or at least claimed to have a crush on her. Since he finally came out of the closet, he has only dated men despite claiming continued bisexuality so...
It might've been more of one of those "I wanna BE her" things instead of one of those "I wanna be IN her" things.
When I saw her album on the shelf and I put two and two together that she was my buddy Adam's beard-crush at SUNY-Purchase... oh man... I got me some laughs outta that one.
For the one and only time, you get a can from me.
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When I saw her album on the shelf and I put two and two together that she was my buddy Adam's beard-crush at SUNY-Purchase... oh man... I got me some laughs outta that one.
I love hearing these stories, because the man I hate most in the world goes to this institution.
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I guess I feel the way about a guy with a sex toy the way I feel about a dude who puts on, like, elbow pads and knee pads and shin guards and shit to get on a bicycle, just to ride on surface streets, not even go into nature or anything.
To me, the justification is in a different metaphor. If I have a plain pizza from the greasy joint down the block, I'll eat it happily. It's not the best pizza, but it's tasty and I'll enjoy it. Now, does that mean that the fantastic white pizza with roast chicken, alfredo sauce, potatoes and fresh garden herbs is something I should deride ever having?
Of course not. The pizza with the fancy fresh ingredients and special stuff on it is not necessary to the stated goal of "enjoy a pizza", but it's a different and delicious experience. I suspect it's the same thing with dudes who have sex toys - not that they couldn't get off with Lefty and well-chosen mental images, but that they find the Fleshlight or whatever a different and enjoyable experience.
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I apologise for veering away from showering with musicians to comment on the Real Doll issue, but what came to mind for me was, 'At least these are replicas of adult humans'. It was then that I realised how damaging the internet can be to incautious browsers. Due to my habit of clicking on links despite warnings to not do so, and having thereby seen things like child-form sexdolls and people who have emotional and sexual realtionships with stuffed animals, the idea of men cuddling a Real Doll pings within normality to me.
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I would like to shower with Natalie Bassingthwaighte of The Rogue Traders. Also K T Tunstall. At the same time.
Ideally, though, I would enjoy a bath with a violin player. I just like girls who play the violin. It is a Thing with me.
A note: I just realized that both of the women I named are from the United Kingdom. This is also a Thing with me.
An aside: I think we all know which musician Teodor would like to shower with. (Meg White) Also, what musician he would like to bathe with. (Robert Smith)
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Scythey, don't do cocaine at my you son of a bitch.
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I love hearing these stories, because the man I hate most in the world goes to this institution.
Who is this person and why do you hate him?
(Is it over the affections of a pretty lady?)
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oh. he was a friend of mine from 4th grade until almost senior year. The entirety of this time, I put up with him being a jackass because "he's such a good friend." People asked me why I was friends with such a jerky guy-- "oh, no, he's actually a nice guy."
And then, slowly, I started realizing... he wasn't a nice guy. he was a jerk. a kid with too much money and not enough brain or respect for other people.
then he kicked me out of our garage band for being bad at guitar.
and then he made out with my girlfriend, then told all of my friends that she was a huge slut and had basically forced him into it. because I did not think it was necessary to tell all of my friends that he had made out with my girlfriend, and he did, all of them only heard his version, and still think that that is the real story.
now he thinks we are friends again, but I still hate him. goddamn, what a jackass.
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I agree with most of the above (and back a few pages), the Realdoll thing goes beyond a simple sex toy, it's a conscious choice to disconnect from reality and impose your own. A trait which makes great mean great and lesser men creepy. Plus yeah, a woman having a dildo is a statement that she enjoys physical pleasure and does not want to rely on another person to get it. A realdoll is statement that a man cannot connect with another person on an emotional level but wants to convince himself that he can buy the next best thing. But then again, if you're happy and you're not hurting anyone else, fuck whatever you please. Emotional connections are probably over-rated anyway.
I would shower with Ms. Spektor if she would make that 'Uh-Oh' noise from 'On the Radio', I would also shower from Natalie Imbruglia circa 2000.
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I would shower with Ms. Spektor if she would make that 'Uh-Oh' noise from 'On the Radio', I would also shower from Natalie Imbruglia circa 2000.
I would like to know if the "time shower" is a concept that has been explored in science fiction.
Or perhaps, I am better off not knowing.