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[Mite]

One week from tomorrow, my SO will make the 1000 mile trek in a minivan to move in with me. I've known him for nearly 3 years, had a no-strings-attatched fuck buddy thing going on with him for about six months, and then about a year ago we realized that, completely against our best judgement, we'd fallen for one another. It'll be a good long while before it happens, but we're hoping to do that whole Big M thing one of these years.

I've dated other people before, but never anyone I could stand to share an apartment with (I never even tried before). I've never even been able to deal with plain-ole platonic roommates. But I'm pretty sure this one'll work. How can we keep from screwing it up? Advice?

Oh - and damn all you breeders for making my hormones tap me on the shoulder, looking all impatient.  :wink:

[jay-ell]

Oh man.  

First of all, you will hear old married couples tell you this and you might think it's baloney, but never, ever go to bed angry.  Because that results in Angry Bed Positions, perhaps even in sleeping separately.  And then you wake up the next morning even angrier, and more exhausted, and less willing to discuss the issue like a rational person.  

It's a lot more tempting to go to bed angry when you're angry, you're tired, and neither of you has to drive home.  

Second, you will discover things about your SO that will drive you crazy.  Perhaps he leaves dirty dishes *beside* the dishwasher, without actually putting them in.  Perhaps he likes to keep the remote control on *top* of the television, instead of on the coffee table where it can actually be reached from the couch.  Perhaps he squeezes the toothpaste from the middle, or clips his toenails in bed.  (Pedro hates that.)  The point is, try very very hard not to sweat the small stuff.  Because chances are, you're driving him crazy, too.  

Finally, don't let too much togetherness suck the romance out of your life.  Surprises are inherently romantic.  Surprise him by waiting at the door with a bottle of champagne and a pair of handcuffs, and he'll surprise you by mopping the kitchen floor so he can bang you on it.  Don't stop going out on dates, and savour the first five minutes you wake up each morning when you're in each others' arms and you've got nine more minutes until the alarm buzzes again.  Savour it every single day, because it should never get old.  

Congratulations, by the way.

[sjlimmer]

I've never even been able to deal with plain-ole platonic roommates. But I'm pretty sure this one'll work. How can we keep from screwing it up? Advice?

For what it's worth, I've found that it is easier (at least with a healthy relationship) to be "shacked up and living in sin" with your SO than to put up with a roommate.  I've never wanted to have roommates (when present, they were strictly a financial necessity), but I really wanted to live with my girlfriend.  That does make a difference.

That said, be careful.  If the relationship ends, it can be even harder to be civil when you're sharing the same space (I had one ex throw all sorts of my stuff at me...including a TV).  So be aware of any potential difficulties, and try to work them out before things come to a head.

Good luck!

[AlohaDawg]

Sometimes it helps to get a new place that was never yours or his. It's sort of like a new start for both of you and old habits and routines and places to put things that one of you are accustomed to won't cause any adjustment problems. Failing that, you could rearrange everything in the apartment mutually to kind of give it that 'our place' feeling.

This may or may not apply to you, but I've been on both sides of this one.

[Mite]

Thanks for all the advice, guys. Given what you've all said, we're gonna be ok. Communication has never been a problem. We've both dated enough passive-agressive people to know it's just not a good way to get things done. He also lets me pick the odd fight about something completely inane, so I don't get bored (a complete necessity for me).

While getting a new place just isn't practical right now, I have cleared all my shit out of what was my office so he can have a spot that's all his. That way we can have separate places to work where we won't get in each other's space. Not that I'm expecting any work to get done in this apartment for at least a couple of weeks.  :twisted:

And JL - your suggestion is pure genius. I may have to make a sidelong comment sometime that cleaning=more surfaces on which to bang.

[side_show]

Hey, you'll love it Mite.  I loved living on my own, loved going back to my quiet apartment and just being alone, loved eating left over pie for breakfast, but moving in with my guy was the best thing that ever happened to me.  Sometimes I get a little riled about his total inability to pick up after himself, but from this I've come to learn what the small unimportant things are, and how to let them go.  At night, curled up next to someone else, no matter what shitte has been thrown your way from the world, there is peace.  Not to be too shleppy, but living with someone teaches you real intimacy in a way the air plane headed for the zoo never can.

A few days ago, my SO revealed he had used my toothbrush "just a couple of times."  I had a brief freak out "What?! Why would you do that?"  But then he reasoned that we've shared more than just spit for quite a while.  I have this really fancy toothbrush, and he wanted to know how feels, and a few days later a blue repleca of my pink tooth brush showed up in the bathroom.  

As for him moving into your apartment, I experienced the reverse, moved into the apartment my guy shared with two other guys who's moved out before my arrival.  I felt like I needed to ask permission before I moved things.  I have to admit, that apartment never really felt like home and in under a year we moved into a place we found together.  

I know you made an effort to give him a space of his own but, it's really, really imporant to redefine the whole space as neutral- not your space that you're allowing him to exist in.  A good example of this is how our cats behaved.  My SO's apartment included two tiny little girl cats - I'm talk itty-bitty perma-kittens, and I moved in with my cat - slightly larger than average, very muscular.  In my SO's apartment the girl cats beat on my cat, cornered him chased him out of every spot he found comfy even though he was twice their combined weight and size.  In the apartment we moved to together, all cats were released at the same time.  Now in neutral territory, the boy cat plays affectionately with one of the girls, and he even humps her sometimes!