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[linnea]

GOD COULD MEN PLEASE BE A LITTLE MORE PREDICTABLE.

So this whole summer my friend Luke and I have been hanging out. We've been friends for about 11 years, since our BBS days (300 baud, baby!). For the record, I'm 25 and he's 23. He lives in Kansas and teaches at a college there, but comes back to Colorado for the summers. A few weeks ago, I went with him to Kansas and helped him move. We spent an entire week together, totally platonic. I love him a lot and we've been having a great time together.

Last night, the very last night that we're going to see each other for a very long time. I'm going to Alaska on September 2nd and he had to leave today to drive back to Kansas.

So last night the truth finally comes out that he has been in love with me for the past eleven years but was too shy to tell me. I had kind of suspected that he had felt chemistry or something, but I was too shy to say anything. I figured, he is a man, he can do or say something. No, we were both waiting for the other to say something. It is his last night in town and he finally 'fesses up.

Anyway, he had to leave today and now I'm all lovesick and sad and missing him. Stupid boys.

[V-Adore]

This is why people invented long-distance relationships.

Seriously. I know this is never an attractive prospect, but if you two have had latent feelings for one another for 11 years (at least some of which you were engaged to Corporal Knob), presumably a while more geographically apart won't totally destroy things. Besides, e-mail and IM makes long-distance relationships ridiculously feasible; I assume that both you and Luke will have Internet access, so use it! (Even if you decide to keep the "relationship" thing on the back burner. Contact never hurt.)

I do understand the frustration, though -- this isn't exactly a good bomb to have dropped right before a move. Nonetheless, good luck.

[linnea]

This is why Baby Jesus invented long-distance relationships.

fixed (hee!)

Seriously, though, V-Adore, thank you for the advice. It makes sense both logically and emotionally. It's going to be tough to stop pining for him, but the long-distance contact thing is the best option.

[wombat]

Eleven years! Good God, man!  What were you thinking?!

Linnea, every time I think my life has too much drama for me to handle right now, you post something like this and I can say to myself, "At least I wasn't just dumped by my fiance who I wrote to every day in Iraq and lost my job and am moving to the outer edge of nowhere and now I find out this guy has been too shy to tell me he loves me for ELEVEN YEARS."

And it makes me feel so much more relaxed.  

But hey, this is crazy, but at least it's good crazy, right?  If he could wait eleven years, what's a few more?

[TALKYdude]

That's touching. I've been that shy guy (took me seven years to tell her, us both dating other people the whole time). I'm not generally shy, I'm quite extroverted, but I loved her so intensely that I was afraid to show it, it even frightened *me* how much I loved her. When I finally got together the courage to tell her she didn't feel the same way. I shouldn't have kept it to myself for that long, it was a huuuge relief to tell her. I still have those moments where she makes my heart catch, all the time, I don't think I'll ever be over her. I want to be the most tender man alive around her, she just makes me want to be so much better than myself.
But at least there isn't this huge invisible elephant any more, I hated keeping that from her. It felt dishonest on a very fundamental level to spend so much time with her but not tell her the single most salient emotional reality I was going through this entire time.
So, yes, boys are stupid, Linnea. I'm jealous of yours though. Maybe I should have waited four more years to tell her.

[Limmo]

What Wombat said.

[linnea]

Eleven years! Good God, man!  What were you thinking?!

Linnea, every time I think my life has too much drama for me to handle right now, you post something like this and I can say to myself, "At least I wasn't just dumped by my fiance who I wrote to every day in Iraq and lost my job and am moving to the outer edge of nowhere and now I find out this guy has been too shy to tell me he loves me for ELEVEN YEARS."

And it makes me feel so much more relaxed.  

But hey, this is crazy, but at least it's good crazy, right?  If he could wait eleven years, what's a few more?

Being all lovesick over him is good and bad at the same time, if anyone can hearing what I'm saying.

I have no idea why the drama is all happening to me. My friends and family tell me that I'm handling it well, but I sure do whine a whole hell of a lot. At any rate, I was 15 when I first met Luke. The "eleven years" thing isn't really as dramatic as it sounds. But yes, we have been good friends who've remained in close contact all throughout highschool and college, and now post-college.

And yeah, good kind of crazy. He just called me earlier this evening to let me know that he got back home okay. I told him that I loved him a lot, and he replied in kind. It makes me a little sad, because obviously love does not always conquer all (case in point: my ex-fiance). However, I hope that Luke knows how awesome he is, and how much he means to me, regardless of how this whole soap opera bullshit plays itself out.

I just feel shitty because I'm afraid I'm going to hurt him. He half-jokingly said something about moving up to Alaska with me. I wish that he would, but I also realize that being with JT for five years and getting engaged got me accustomed to a certain level of intimacy. The absence of that feeling of closeness and comfort is exceedingly painful. I don't want to be the selgiraffe asshole who goes around exploiting people so that I can feel comforted.

So....suggestions? I'm thinking something in the vein of "linnea, don't be an asshole."

[V-Adore]

Well... let him do what he wants. Moving to Elbonia would be a huge change for him, so don't push him, and don't make anything contingent on his dropping everything and moving to see you; you're right that you need to be careful not to let a generic desire for intimacy cloud your genuine feelings towards him. It sounds a little like you're still getting over JT (which is justified); let that get through your system first.

However, if you two get things worked out, and he still wants to go to Elbonia... well, que sera sera. It's his choice to make.

Once again, good luck. (I hate to go all Agony Aunt.)

[Bozack]

Once again, good luck. (I hate to go all Agony Aunt.)

This is off-topic, but please, for the love of god, tell me that's not a Discworld reference, and also tell me that I didn't just GET a Discworld reference.

ANYWAY, yeah, I'm uniquely unqualified for any sort of relationship advice, being, as it happens, The Worst Relationship Person On Earth. However, it sounds like you're doing okay, especially since you recognize how you might screw things up, and thus are careful about not letting the intimacy level thing ruin stuff. Good luck, you'll figure it out.

[wombat]

What V-Adore said.

You're about to go do something new and exciting that will give you less time to think about feeling lonely.  It's wonderful to know that someone loves you, and it's good that you are worried about not being an asshole. Give it time.

Not that I am any more qualified to give advice than a cartoon cat, of course.

[Mantonio]

So last night the truth finally comes out that he has been in love with me for the past eleven years but was too shy to tell me. I had kind of suspected that he had felt chemistry or something, but I was too shy to say anything. I figured, he is a man, he can do or say something. No, we were both waiting for the other to say something. It is his last night in town and he finally 'fesses up.

Anyway, he had to leave today and now I'm all lovesick and sad and missing him. Stupid boys.

Ah, Luke isn't the first fellow to pick an unopportune moment to declare his love to someone.  I had a friend a year behind me in high school whom I realized I was in love with right around the time she was moving to Massachusetts to go to college.  Well, I didn't say anything at the time, nor did I say anything when she was back in town for Christmas or spring break.  When summer rolled around, I figured we'd have plenty of time to hang out.  As luck would have it, her family moved to Florida that summer.  When I found out about this, I wrote her a big long letter explaining the situation and expressing hope that we'd get to hang out before she left.  Turns out she had a boyfriend.  Also, she was so busy with the move that we didn't get a chance to hang out, though I suspect my letter kind of made her uncomfortable with the prospect of spending time - akward time - with me.  It's been more than five years and I still think my heart is broken.  

You're right, boys are stupid.

Edit:  I hope things work out with you and Luke.  Y'all deserve some happiness.

[V-Adore]

Once again, good luck. (I hate to go all Agony Aunt.)

This is off-topic, but please, for the love of god, tell me that's not a Discworld reference, and also tell me that I didn't just GET a Discworld reference.

I didn't intend it as such -- I've just always preferred the Britishism "Agony Aunt" to the American "advice columnist" or "Dear Abby." Wombat probably said it better when she said that she is no more qualified to give advice than a cartoon cat, much liike I am. (Er, much like I am unqualified, not much like I am a cartoon cat.)

[AlohaDawg]

I worry about stories like this.

It sounds really sweet and all, but do you want a guy who has probably had multiple opportunities over the past 11 years to say what he means/feels and doesn't take them? I mean, he is probably a great guy and all but there is something fundamental there that needs addressed.

On the other hand:

Had you not been leaving would he have said anything? Funny thing. He's either a masochist or maybe he really likes the IDEA of loving and being loved by you, but is not into the hard, day-to-day aspects of a relationship that is close-at-hand.

This sounds to me like a friend - a really close friend - almost a brother, even - but not necessarily a 'relationship'. Obviously he will miss you a lot, obviously there is love between you....but there is something missing here (that could appear with time and maturity) to keep it from being a whole lot more, at least right now...

Fear of pain and rejection is normal, though. Maybe he was thinking that if you didn't feel the same way, it would be easier to deal with if you were sitting on an ice floe in the Pacific, thousands of miles and several time zones away. The cat's out of the bag, now, though, and it really kind of makes it harder for both of you...

So best of luck to you in Alaska and he wherever he is. If it works out, that would be a great love story. If you remain friends forever, that's pretty special too.

[linnea]

I worry about stories like this.

It sounds really sweet and all, but do you want a guy who has probably had multiple opportunities over the past 11 years to say what he means/feels and doesn't take them? I mean, he is probably a great guy and all but there is something fundamental there that needs addressed.

On the other hand:

Had you not been leaving would he have said anything? Funny thing. He's either a masochist or maybe he really likes the IDEA of loving and being loved by you, but is not into the hard, day-to-day aspects of a relationship that is close-at-hand.

This sounds to me like a friend - a really close friend - almost a brother, even - but not necessarily a 'relationship'. Obviously he will miss you a lot, obviously there is love between you....but there is something missing here (that could appear with time and maturity) to keep it from being a whole lot more, at least right now...

Heh. Fortunately, nothing of the sort.

Fear of pain and rejection is normal, though. Maybe he was thinking that if you didn't feel the same way, it would be easier to deal with if you were sitting on an ice floe in the Pacific, thousands of miles and several time zones away. The cat's out of the bag, now, though, and it really kind of makes it harder for both of you...

So best of luck to you in Alaska and he wherever he is. If it works out, that would be a great love story. If you remain friends forever, that's pretty special too.

True. I have no idea. To be honest, *I* was the one who made the first move. If I hadn't he would have waited another eleven years.

I'm quite serious. Had I not said anything, and waited for him to put his arm around me or hold my hand...well, he would have gone home like all the other times that we've spent time together. We got back to my house after dinner, I sat next to him and wrapped my arms around him, and I for a minute I thought he was going to freak out. He didn't, though, and he started to talk to me about how he felt, and we had a lovely evening. So yeah. I don't know.

On the other hand, eleven years' worth of pent-up frustration turned to work out quite well for the both of us

[AlohaDawg]

SCORE!

Long time to wait, though.