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[Fooker]

#1: perfect CUNT shortcake.
#2: perfect fast chocolate browniecake.
#3:

Recipe coming soon.

Ok, here is how I do CUNT shortcake. Menfolk who have ladyfriends please maintain a high state of listening because this is hell of a woman pleaser. It is really a lot easier than this whole long description but I am walking you through it with zero trouble at all.

2 cups flour
4 tsp baking soda
pinch salt
4 tbsp sugar
lots of frozen strawberries
vanilla icecream
6tbsp butter or equiv
milk (from powder works ok)

First you get your gallon (enough for shortcake for three and then more icecream for other things, or your little ben and jerrys pint which will make for one person) of really good vanilla icecream at the store. Spend like ten or twenty more cents per ounce and get something that is quality. Then while you are in the area with the freezers and stuff you get frozen strawberries to approximately 2/3 the volume of the icecream that you got. The kind that come pre-sliced in syrup are OK but you can be cheap here and just get plain frozen strawberries in ice in a bag or however. Of course if you grow strawberries or know someone who does, you should freeze them and have much better strawberries. I am merely suggesting so as to help out a dogg here. You do not use fresh strawberries with this except as garnish because it is a waste of them because they get boiled up in juice anyway.

While you are there it is a good time to check on your flour and baking powder levels as those are the only other critical things. Maybe you need a nice baking sheet or something.

At home, put your icecream in the freezer and preheat the oven to four hundred or five hundred degrees depending on your confidence in baking abilities (four hundred for regular, five hundred for better than that). You may experiment here after the first batch. Get out a good sized mixing bowl and also a saucepan. You will need this saucepan and it should be about six or seven inches in diameter. Put the berries all in it along with their ice and give them a good splash of lemon juice. You can also add sugar if you are not diabetes prone.

Put the pan on medium heat and put two cups of flour in the big bowl. Mix in four tsp of baking powder (adjust down by 1/2tsp if you are sensitive to it's taste), four tablespoons of sugar, and a pinch of salt. Mix it good. Cut in six tablespoons of butter with a fork or a pastry knife. You can substitute oil for all the butter but you should at least use 2/3 real genuine butter. It is not like you are going to eat this each and every meal of every day. It should be well mixed and no lumps bigger than a small pea. Mix in just enough milk to make it well mixed which should be about 1/2 cup and stir only enough to have it moistened all through and consistant. The more you stir, the tougher and nastier it gets. Be efficient.

Keep the berries on medium or maybe low because you only want them really hot at the end. Stir them as such that they don't foam all over.

Grease the baking sheet and put nice big fat shortcakes all over it maybe an inch and a half tall or and 3.5" in diameter. Put this in that hot oven. 350 is not hot. 400 is hot. 500 is real hot. Now watch these real careful until they are brown. The bottom will brown up fastest so check it. They should be done through like a real tasty sweetened biscuit. Before they are all done crank up the temperature on the berries and take the vanilla out and also get as many bowls as you need for people that want to kill themselves with insanely good CUNT shortcake. As the biscuits come out, put them on a wire rack and keep stirring the berries, they should be soft and such with a thick sauce forming around them but if it is real thin that is ok too. Slice the biscuits in half unless they are really thin and line the bowls with them so they cover the bottom and go up the sides to the edge. Now you got to move fast and fill the bowls partially with vanilla icecream, and then pour the hot berry mixture on top.

Congratulations, you now have one or more bowls filled with warm shortcake, cool icecream and warm berries all mixing together in a way that will make your tongue want to get up and dance around sort of like it has had too much tequila. In fact you could probably do something like pouring vanilla vodka over the top of everything and lighting it on fire but that would sort of be like having a thai mail order bride make you a five course breakfast each time you wake up, every day: too special.

[FlipConstantine]

You forgot,

Step 4: Profit!




Man, I've been on the internet too long.

[Fooker]

Ok I have now added my top secret shortcake recipe that has gotten me more makeouts than my car.

Which makes sense because I drive a rusty '88 Isuzu.

[Fooker]

The cake is simpler and much like the shortcake, all it needs is a mixing bowl, a saucepan, an oven, and a baking pan except it needs a decent baking dish instead of a pan. Preferably it will be 10"x10" with 3" high walls or something because once it goes in there will be a crazy volume of stuff in the pan that evaporates away.

1 cup flour
2 tsp baking powder
pinch salt (a pinch is like 1/4tsp)
7 tbsp baking cocoa
1 1/4 cups sugar
3/4 milk
2 tsbp butter (put it in your 1/2cup measure and melt it on the stovetop like the measuring cup is a little childs saucepan)
1 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup brown sugar

You may notice a lot of fractions. That is because when I made this I merged one good thing with another and ended up with a little odd amounts of this and that, and haven't scaled it up to nice even amounts. Yet.

You preheat your oven to 350, then you mix all the flour, baking powder, salt, 3/4 cup of sugar, and 2 tbsp of the cocoa in a bowl. Mix it good with a whisk which is best for lots of dry ingredients, then add the milk butter and vanilla. Spread it in that cake pan which should be greased. No you did not need an electric mixer for the mixing.

Put all the remaining sugar, cocoa, brown sugar, and a cup of water in the saucepan and heat it while stirring with the whisk until it's melted. It will be like slightly thick really dark water. Get a spoon.

Pouring onto the spoon which should disperse it, pour the liquid all over the cake batter. If you pour straight in the water flow will erode the cake mixture. That is Ok and self-repairs but feels kind of sloppy to me. You will have around equal amounts of liquid and batter. This is OK.

Put it in the oven and bake it for forty minutes. Take it out and turn it over and let it cool until you can touch the pan barehanded. This might take a while.

When it comes out you will see that the liquid magically migrated under the batter and turned into a very good sort of icing. You might have to smear it a bit. This is a rich but also not painfully rich cake/brownie. You could freeze it and also freeze some of the shortcake and mix up some kind of neopolitan thing I guess.

[wombat]

Tiny cans for you because we do not have enough recipes posted lately. This chocolate thing sounds like fun. As for the CUNT shortcake, I would strongly argue for fresh whipped cream rather than ice cream. You can't have enough excuses to make fresh whipped cream. But, to each his own white creamy sweet topping thing.

[Mite]

When I was dumping my old ex, I found that making whipped cream with just a bowl and a fork was excellent therapy. Now I'm happily married, so I can own a mixer.

Thanks for the recipies!

[Fooker]

The icecream provides an excellent thick and cold addition. Plus it is tasty. I will have to try using chilled heavy sweet cream.

Next recipe which is a runner up for the trio: blonde brownies. They use zuchinni.

[AugustWest]

When I was dumping my old ex, I found that making whipped cream with just a bowl and a fork was excellent therapy.

Do you think home-made mayonaise would work as well?

[misterqueue]

Do you think home-made mayonaise would work as well?

Alternately: Churn that Butter!

[Mite]

Do you think home-made mayonaise would work as well?

Yes! Kneading bread dough and making meringue are also excellent substitutes. My friends like it when I'm angry; they eat well.

I have never tried to make butter, but I remember learning about a method that involved shaking cream in a mason jar for a long time. I might have to give that a try.

[misterqueue]

I have never tried to make butter, but I remember learning about a method that involved shaking cream in a mason jar for a long time. I might have to give that a try.

We actually did this in Junior High on "Pioneer Day" only we used babyfood jars.  The butter actually tasted alright, but the process took FOREVER.

The soap was a pain in the ass to make too, all that lye around schoolchildren.  Tch.

[AlohaDawg]

Any of you guys also check out www.pimpmysnack.com?

Also, my ultimate desert trio: Gobi, Sahara, Kalahari.

[Drygioni]

Any of you guys also check out www.pimpmysnack.com?

Also, my ultimate desert trio: Gobi, Sahara, Kalahari.

Oh! Now I get it! I thought he was talking about food to eat in the desert and stuff.

[swinehund]

This one is the only one that I've tried and would recommend.

[Doc]

I'll try relating my mother's mango ice-cream recipe. I don't have any of the ratios with me because I'm at uni but it's a fairly simple recipe so if you screw it up the worst that is going to happen is that it ends up a bit icey.
What you will need:
Mango puree (or just tinned mangoes that you are willing to mush up yourself)
Double thick cream
vanilla ice-cream
chopped almonds.
Roast the almonds in an oven, at whatever temperature for however long it takes. Don't burn them or eat to many once you take them out because they are so delicious.
Puree the mangoes, if you got tinned mangoes then strain them first but save some of the juice for later.
Combine the mangoes, ice-cream and almonds to taste. My guess would be that there should be a ratio of about 2:1 ice cream to mangoes and the just almonds to taste but your milage my vary. At this point you could pour in some of the juice from the canned mangoes if you want it a bit fruiter without putting more actual mango in there. Freeze this in a bowl with a hole in the middle (not all the way through like a devil's food cake, just like a bowl with a smaller bowl inside).
Mix about equal parts of mango puree and double thickened cream (sometimes we whip the cream a bit first by putting it in a bowl with the lid on and shaking it for a while but I don't think this is necessary). Mix it up real good and freeze it in the middle of your icecream-almond mixture.
The idea is that the outer layer should be more creamy than mangoey with nice crunchy almonds and the inside should be more mangoey so if you are unsure of ratios lean to more ice-cream on the outside and more mango on the inside. You could even just make the outside all ice-cream and almonds and the inside all mango but that wouldn't be as much fun. The only bummer with this recipe I've found is that depending on your ratios the inner layer can get a bit icey but its not enough to compromise the dish as I see it.
There you go then, hope I didn't forget anything important.