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Once you been to a few weddings, you realize ain’t nobody gives a damn if you readin’ custom vows or the 1987 “Let’s Go!” guide to Bahrain. Just use that stuff about Do/Don’t and Sickness or Health and you gonna get the job done.  -=RAY=-

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Author Topic: Better than Achewood...  (Read 2850 times)

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Pimp_skitters

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Better than Achewood...
« on: September 16, 2006, 08:36:25 am »
  ...because they're for your soul don'tcha know. Let me introduce you to the saccharine, bizzare and often grotesque little world of-

    Chick Tracts!

    Firstly, an all time classic The Little Witch, which I feel is a great introduction to the general tone of Chick tracts. Sleep overs inevitably lead to infant sacrifice, but this tract makes the concept easy to understand.
   Next, let's take a fun trip into the future.  Isn't junior just the sweetest? There's something about authoritarianism  that introduces Sam Browne belts as fashion musts.
  Aren't these kids so excited about becoming Muslims?  This tract is  one of many featuring the charming Suzy, who uses her full range of facial expression here to the delight of many a reader. How we love her so. But not.. in a muslim way.
  Ever wonder why Bewitched, despite being a rather repetitive and sexist sitcom, is still being reran? Easy, bewitched = anarchy, pornography and homosexuality. Now we know where those things come from.
  Back to little Suzy, this time informing us about queers. One of the little known side effects on being in a long-term homosexual relationship is that two lizards take up residence on your respective bodies. For this reason, herpetologists are 27% less likely to support gay marriages, but with in them their relationships last 78% longer.
  Dungeons and dragons: like anyone even pretends it's not about Satanism anymore.
  When Suzy first met her teacher and obviously, nemesis, Ms. Henn. You just know as soon as you see her she believes in evolution.
  And finally, a little party. No-one ever tells me I look like their fourth wife.
« Last Edit: September 16, 2006, 08:39:37 am by Pimp_skitters »
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CortJstr

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Re: Better than Achewood...
« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2006, 03:16:17 pm »
I Don't Want To Be Elfstar Any More. I Want To Be More Breakfast
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jough

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Re: Better than Achewood...
« Reply #2 on: September 16, 2006, 03:34:58 pm »
Pimp Skitters - you'd have loved www.ungh.com back in the day.  They (he) used to collect a lot of tracts that weren't available anywhere else.  Best Chick archive on the web, but it's sadly gone bye-bye.
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Ben-San

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Re: Better than Achewood...
« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2006, 04:09:13 pm »
I don't remember where I found this but it seems relevant.
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linnea

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Re: Better than Achewood...
« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2006, 09:14:55 pm »
Those Jack Chick tracts just turn my stomach. They are trash.

I am a Christian, I love baby Jesus, but those tracts have probably done more to force people away from God than they have actually won people over.
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theinevitable

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Re: Better than Achewood...
« Reply #5 on: September 16, 2006, 10:00:56 pm »
I really love the one about Islam. It can't be right that Adam was 60 feet tall! It says that he wasn't in the Bible!

Polygamy! that's so gross! Islam must be a gross religion!
Contradictions in a holy book? that's horrible!

also, the one about gay dudes is pretty awesome.
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You're gonna do it all for the grind

Pimp_skitters

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Re: Better than Achewood...
« Reply #6 on: September 16, 2006, 10:23:44 pm »
Quote from: Ben-San on September 16, 2006, 04:09:13 pm
I don't remember where I found this but it seems relevant.

 Hah! That's a new one to me. Here is an old favorite: Chick meets Lovecraft!

Quote from: jough on September 16, 2006, 03:34:58 pm
Pimp Skitters - you'd have loved www.ungh.com back in the day.  They (he) used to collect a lot of tracts that weren't available anywhere else.  Best Chick archive on the web, but it's sadly gone bye-bye.

 Yes, that's one area where the internet looses out to printed material: when something's gone from the internet, it's really gone.
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pmcd9

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Re: Better than Achewood...
« Reply #7 on: September 16, 2006, 11:05:53 pm »
Yeah, that Jack Chick is some crazy shit.  I remember when people used to hand those tracts out to people as they were leaving a concert.  Hope you enjoyed the Ozzy, your going to hell if you don't change your ways.  Here read this, it'll help you to save yourself.

Booga Booga.

Where is Q?

~Paul
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theinevitable

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Re: Better than Achewood...
« Reply #8 on: September 16, 2006, 11:09:13 pm »
I have a specific memory of a friend reading one of those next to me on the bus. He had me read it... I forget exactly what it was about.

Later on the same trip, he explained the different kinds of porn to me (the difference between hard- and soft-core, the "gang-bang," etc.) it was pretty intense, and I did not notice the funny contradiction until just now. He actually might have been making fun of the Tract-- I believe it may have been about how Rock Music is from the devil.
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Social pressures exist
And if you think about them all of the time
You're gonna find that your head's been kicked in
You're gonna do it all for the grind

Doc

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Re: Better than Achewood...
« Reply #9 on: September 17, 2006, 03:15:58 am »
As crazy as the dark dungeons one is the thing I like most is the guy with the mustache at the end just talking about how rock music is a plot my the illuminate like it ain't no thing, if you're reading this then you just take it for granted that rock music is a conspiracy and the illuminati exists, I mean obviously.
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idiomsavant

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Re: Better than Achewood...
« Reply #10 on: September 18, 2006, 04:42:59 pm »
Uh-oh! In "The Little Bride," the Muslim family is going... to the airport!

Dun-dun-dunnnnnnnn!
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Gimpson

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Re: Better than Achewood...
« Reply #11 on: September 20, 2006, 06:29:46 pm »
Quote from: Pimp_skitters on September 16, 2006, 10:23:44 pm
Yes, that's one area where the internet looses out to printed material: when something's gone from the internet, it's really gone.

Well, there's always The Wayback Machine.  (If it wasn't blocked from work, I'd do the search for ungh.com myself...)
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jough

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Re: Better than Achewood...
« Reply #12 on: September 20, 2006, 06:46:52 pm »
It's not in the wayback machine, unfortunately.  I guess they had a *****s.txt file that didn't permit spidering (from unnaughty spiders).

Dang, I'd love to get a copy of that old content.  I have no idea how to get in touch with V-X anymore, though.
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vivouk

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Re: Better than Achewood...
« Reply #13 on: September 22, 2006, 02:25:06 pm »
Chick tracts are unintentionally brilliant.  :D
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miles

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Re: Better than Achewood...
« Reply #14 on: September 28, 2006, 11:09:11 pm »
Quote from: theinevitable on September 16, 2006, 10:00:56 pm
I really love the one about Islam.

"Amir! Safiya! We're leaving for the airport... right now1."

Ominous...

1 Emphasis in original text.
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