Questions answered in order of appearance --
Open mic night. Pedro decided to go for it a couple of weeks ago and after being reprimanded for trying to write jokes for him I decided to write my own damn act.
Auditioning was more nerve-wracking than actually performing.
I started out with a bit about how I was a little nervous, because it's my first time. ("I've never done this before. I mean, I like to watch. You know, late at night, on cable? And sometimes I practice when I'm in the shower. But I've never actually...you know. Certainly not with a room full of strangers.) Then I talked about the losers I used to date -- normal girl stuff, I guess -- and closed with a joke that requires that you know that there is a $5 cover charge for Open Mic night at this club.
"When my son was born, we put a jar in our bedroom and every time we have sex we put a dollar in it. We're excited, because we finally saved up enough to go somewhere.
"So here we are." (Ba-dum.)
The nice thing is that there wasn't a single joke that nobody laughed at. The bonus is that there were several intermediary jokes that got much bigger laughs than I expected. So overall, it was a success.
I did not "show them my boobs" or anything, but considering that I was the only female comedian in the lineup and that I spent the first minute of my bit spouting double entendres I think I got their attention anyway.
Nobody sneaked in a recorder. Sorry. But I will record myself doing the act at home sometime this weekend (for posterity) and Pedro and I will post links at some point.
Pedro did a great job as well, I should add. He's really funnier than me. And I feel like I worked harder on my material for roughly the same quality of audience response, so I think he's more of a natural than me.
Finally, I do not clang when I walk, but I do often jangle.
Thank you.
Also: Next time I have promised not to exploit my sexuality for the entertainment of others. My inner feminist is curled up in the fetal position in the corner of my psyche, rocking back and forth, sobbing.
But hey, she's not really that much fun anyway.