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[Golfhaus]

The Discovery Health Channel vanishes next year as Discovery Communications shuts it down to make room on the dial for... OWN: The Oprah Winfrey Network. My wife will be losing all of her shows about babies being born so that we can see Dr. Phil Saves The Celebrities or something. I'm not sure if this will dampen her desire to pop out the kids, or if the withdrawal will make it worse.

I know this, though. No one around here wants to watch more Oprah than we already do. Which is none.

[wombat]

Speaking of Discovery fuck*ng things up, here's most of a press release that I got recently. I find this a very ominous sign for my entertainment habits. Except... a whole show about lemurs? But a stupid show about lemurs... that might be worse than nothing.

(Silver Spring, Md., January 14, 2007) – When Animal Planet relaunches in the first week of February, 2008, viewers will find compelling programming that features man’s best friend juxtaposed with ferocious lions in their natural habitat. The way the stories are told and the lens through which viewers see these tales will change dramatically. The network will launch eight new series and specials in February alone, all designed to reach a more adult audience with gripping entertainment rather than pure observational documentary and host-driven formats. The new Animal Planet will also be expressed through new graphics, a new feel and new sounds that bring out the raw, visceral emotion in the animal kingdom – all leading viewers to see animals as characters not merely creatures.
The new programming on Animal Planet will tap into the instincts that drive us all – fear, hunger, pleasure, nurture – with compelling stories that resonate with what it means to be human. New content coming to the network includes new docu-soaps (ESCAPE TO CHIMP EDEN, LEMUR KINGDOM); pet entertainment (PETFINDER, GROOMER HAS IT, CLINICALLY WILD); and unscripted dramas (WHALE WARS, AFTER THE ATTACK, A YEAR WITH LIONS), as well as the return of PUPPY BOWL, the AKC/EUKANUBA NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP and MUTUAL OF OMAHA’S WILD KINGDOM.
“In an increasingly technological, rational, pressured, thoughtful and well-socialized environment, there is an enormous desire for unmediated, intensely felt, visceral, in-the-moment experiences” notes Marjorie Kaplan, president and general manager of Animal Planet Media. “And animals, in real life and in great, archetypical stories, are a short cut to those instinctual feelings. In a world of intellectual or clever television or lightweight entertainment, Animal Planet is television that gets you where you live - literally - in your gut.”   
“Consumers will be surprised at the unexpected new face of entertainment we’re bringing to them on-air and online,” added Victoria Lowell, senior vice president of marketing for Animal Planet Media. “The new campaign will change consumers’ perceptions of our brand. There is so much goodwill to the brand, and now we’ve got to translate that goodwill to increased viewership.”

[jaydub]

The tragic side effect of Meerkat Manor is the poorly done knock-offs of the idea.

[littlefallsmets]

All of those titles do not sound like titles of television shows.

They sound like titles of television shows... in a television show... so as to make fun of how bad most television show titles are. "Escape to Chimp Eden"? "Groomer Has It"?

It is as if the stick my Cremesicle came on is making run of the television.

[Golfhaus]

We were hooked on Meerkat Manor until this past season, when every damn episode featured The Grueling Death of Something Cute. Mrs. Haus could barely watch the shows any more because she knew someone was going to get eaten. And each time, I told her, "They won't do it again, honey." But they did. Oh, they did. Baby meerkats getting eaten, long drawn-out shot of the pup's severed arm, all that was left. The matriarch of the family, dead from a snake bite protecting her younguns. The outcast daughter, left by her family to fend for herself, finally finding companionship with another, only to be mauled that night by a hyena in a scene that only needed that Goo Goo Dolls song to play to be complete. We have two shows left on our DVR - they've been sitting there for months. She doesn't have the heart to watch.

[wombat]

Well, there's the bright side for the Haus family - probably no one will be mauled to death by hyenas on the Oprah network.

[Golfhaus]

All we can do is dream, wombat. All we can do is dream.

[littlefallsmets]

I am intrigued by this theory that a supremely bad thing can only get worse if a Goo Goo Dolls song is also playing, Mr. Haus. I'm rolling it over in my head and it's making a lot of sense.

Kicked in the crotch or kicked in the crotch and also a Goo Goo Dolls song playing? The second is worse.

Hindenberg disaster or Hindenberg disaster and also a Goo Goo Dolls song playing? The second is worse.

You might just have an Internet Meme on your hands. Granted, it will eventually get tasteless as hell with people putting 9/11 footage or Holocaust footage to Goo Goo Dolls music but... until then, we could totally enjoy the ride until then.

It would be like PLEASE, DO NOT MENTION THAT HERE or Mr. T Ate My Balls... the kids would just call it "EWWG"... "everything's worse with Goo".

[Golfhaus]

It would be like PLEASE, DO NOT MENTION THAT HERE or Mr. T Ate My Balls... the kids would just call it "EWWG"... "everything's worse with Goo".

Huh. Wonder what that is... All Your Base Are Belong To Us? Dancing Baby? Hampster Dance? None of these?

I would love to start an Internet meme, though. "Well I'd give up forever, to touch you..." <shot of that rally car running into the crowd> "cuz I know that you'll feel me somehow" <footage of a nanny slapping a crying child>.

[side_show]

This all sounds made up.  I have decided this is all made up.  It's imaginary.  Just like the thread about sports: not real.  TV is dying anyway, so I suppose if I just ignore it it will go away.

[littlefallsmets]

Oh yeah, very soon they'd be putting Goo music to "don't tase me, bro" and all the other internet memes and it would quickly become a meta-meme... piggy backing onto other past memes that people are already nostalgic for so as to keep moving forward.

There is no word for this but I shall make one up.

It shall "memetasticize".

[Golfhaus]

Bananaphone? 2 Girls 1 Cup? Goatse? Dammit, what was it?

LFM, I fear you may have just predicted the death of the Internet. Or the means Ingsoc will use to rise to and maintain its power. And my hands... have the Internet's blood on their... uh... hands.

[CortJstr]

Oh yeah, very soon they'd be putting Goo music to "don't tase me, bro" and all the other internet memes and it would quickly become a meta-meme... piggy backing onto other past memes that people are already nostalgic for so as to keep moving forward.

There is no word for this but I shall make one up.

It shall "memetasticize".

Like the episode of Ask a Ninja where he interviews the woman from LonelyGirl15.

I'm really worried about the new show following Mythbusters, which is basically Blowing Shit Up with Slo-Mo Replays. And Mythbusters is already about halfway to being that show as it is.

[littlefallsmets]

Like the episode of Ask a Ninja where he interviews the woman from LonelyGirl15.

Yup. A perfect example of internet virals memetasticizing into the early stages of cancer of the irony.

[wombat]

I'm really worried about the new show following Mythbusters, which is basically Blowing Shit Up with Slo-Mo Replays. And Mythbusters is already about halfway to being that show as it is.

Yeah, it looks like a show where they decided that the minor educational component of Mythbusters was too much and they had to get rid of it. Same as what the Animal Planet deal is sounding like.