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Do not bone your neighbor's wife. That is hella lame.

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Author Topic: Favorite Jokes.  (Read 6087 times)

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Ben-San

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Re: Favorite Jokes.
« Reply #15 on: February 05, 2009, 01:42:40 am »
The oldest joke on record was found on shards of a Sumerian clay tablet. Pieced together, it is as follows:

"What is a thing that the world will never see? A newly wed wife, sitting on her husband's lap, does not fart."

Yeah, I don't get it either.

The oldest funny joke on record is from an Egyptian papyrus. There's actually a bunch of these but this is my favorite.

"A man wed a woman who had a blind eye. After six years of marriage, the man met a younger woman who was smitten with him, and he resolved to divorce his wife. He took his wife to a judge and said 'I wish to divorce this woman; she has a blind eye.' She responded with outrage: 'You say I have a bad eye? You're the one who took six years to notice your wife was half-blind!'"
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Drygioni

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Re: Favorite Jokes.
« Reply #16 on: February 05, 2009, 03:55:53 am »
What's the difference between Sir Walter Raleigh and a mobile phone?

Sir Walter Raleigh was never found up Ashley Cole's arse
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jay-ell

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Re: Favorite Jokes.
« Reply #17 on: February 06, 2009, 04:16:27 am »
I need a good joke about sex (or lack thereof) after marriage.  It's for an article.  Anybody got anything good? 
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Carlos del Vaca

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Re: Favorite Jokes.
« Reply #18 on: February 06, 2009, 05:26:53 am »
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.  He's kind of puzzled looking at all the choices, and an older gentleman asks if he can help.  "There's different package sizes, and I'm not sure how many to get," the young guy says.
The older guys says, "Here's a three-pack.  That's for when you're dating:  Friday, Saturday, Sunday."
"Next, you got your six-pack.  That's for when you move in together:  Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday."
"And lastly, here's the twelve-pack.  That's for after you get married:  January, February, March..."
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jaydub

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Re: Favorite Jokes.
« Reply #19 on: February 06, 2009, 06:50:07 pm »
Quote from: Asherdan on February 06, 2009, 04:45:29 pm
Not a joke but it's what I'm laughing about right now.
That dog is not one to miss an opportunity.
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lprkn

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Re: Favorite Jokes.
« Reply #20 on: February 06, 2009, 07:15:03 pm »
Necrophiliac interspeciality, nice!
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jay-ell

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Re: Favorite Jokes.
« Reply #21 on: February 07, 2009, 03:00:59 am »
Quote from: carlosdelvaca on February 06, 2009, 05:26:53 am
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.  He's kind of puzzled looking at all the choices, and an older gentleman asks if he can help.  "There's different package sizes, and I'm not sure how many to get," the young guy says.
The older guys says, "Here's a three-pack.  That's for when you're dating:  Friday, Saturday, Sunday."
"Next, you got your six-pack.  That's for when you move in together:  Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday."
"And lastly, here's the twelve-pack.  That's for after you get married:  January, February, March..."

Perfect.  Thank you. 
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Golfhaus

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Re: Favorite Jokes.
« Reply #22 on: February 08, 2009, 01:32:06 am »
My favorite joke ever is the story of the Voodoo c*ck.
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jaydub

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Re: Favorite Jokes.
« Reply #23 on: February 09, 2009, 09:43:38 pm »
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pmcd9

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Re: Favorite Jokes.
« Reply #24 on: February 10, 2009, 05:43:00 am »
I just heard this joke.  Made me laugh.

Dog Story

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
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wombat

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Re: Favorite Jokes.
« Reply #25 on: February 10, 2009, 01:49:45 pm »
That reminds me...

I stupidly agreed to edit the newsletter for my dog obedience club. The hard part is getting anyone to agree to contribute, and in the next issue I plan to threaten that if people don't start stepping up, the newsletter is going to be full of pug pictures and bad jokes. I'd say this with more confidence if I had something to back up the threat with. So, anyone got more bad dog jokes?

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AugustWest

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Re: Favorite Jokes.
« Reply #26 on: February 10, 2009, 01:53:45 pm »
Quote from: wombat on February 10, 2009, 01:49:45 pm
That reminds me...

I stupidly agreed to edit the newsletter for my dog obedience club. The hard part is getting anyone to agree to contribute, and in the next issue I plan to threaten that if people don't start stepping up, the newsletter is going to be full of pug pictures and bad jokes. I'd say this with more confidence if I had something to back up the threat with. So, anyone got more bad dog jokes?



These two rednecks are walking down the street when they see a dog.  The dog (as dogs are wont to do) is engrossed in licking his testicles.  The one redneck says to the other "I wish I could do that." 

"You'd better pet him first," his friend replies.
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wombat

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Re: Favorite Jokes.
« Reply #27 on: February 10, 2009, 01:59:23 pm »
Actually, that joke made me laugh, so it is not bad enough.

Also, I think they need to be more family friendly...  for now. I'll save that sort of stuff for the end of the year so they don't reappoint me for next year.
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Re: Favorite Jokes.
« Reply #28 on: February 10, 2009, 02:06:28 pm »
What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.
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Carlos del Vaca

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Re: Favorite Jokes.
« Reply #29 on: February 11, 2009, 03:30:36 am »
Wrong!  You call him Cigarette, because every day you take him out for a drag!
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