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Author Topic: Halp.  (Read 8700 times)

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Toaster

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Halp.
« on: January 11, 2010, 10:56:54 pm »
I am Roast Beefing over a problem. The problem is that my ex-girlfriend (she broke up with me about three weeks ago) wants to be friends. I don't want to do this. My opinion on this is: She cannot get the milk (my friendship) for free. She must buy the cow. She owned the cow, and then she decided to let the cow go for a ski instructor. And now the cow doesn't want to be around her unless he can be milked. I know it's not a perfect metaphor, because boy cows don't produce milk. But whatevs.

She lives in England, and I live in California, and the only reason either of us ever flew to the other place was for maximum cuddles. I've barely ever talked to her friends, and she's barely ever talked to mine. It would be really easy to just say "No thank you. bye now.", but I would feel like a big meanie.

Am I allowed to say no? Is it mean? I'm unsure. Please halp.
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theinevitable

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Re: Halp.
« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2010, 10:59:02 pm »
yes, you are allowed to say no. She is trying to make herself feel less bad about leaving you. She wants you to say you can be friends so that she can say "he isn't upset, he wants to be friends."
That is my interpretation, at least.
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pmcd9

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Re: Halp.
« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2010, 11:52:54 pm »
I usually stay friendly with my exes.  So she's fuck*ng somebody else now, big deal.  You can go fuck somebody else now as well.  Did you not like her?  Were you only together for the sex?  I guess if the answer to those questions is yes then by all means move on.  But if you like her then why not, what's it gonna hurt you to remain friends?
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jay-ell

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Re: Halp.
« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2010, 12:05:00 am »
Quote from: theinevitable on January 11, 2010, 10:59:02 pm
yes, you are allowed to say no. She is trying to make herself feel less bad about leaving you. She wants you to say you can be friends so that she can say "he isn't upset, he wants to be friends."
That is my interpretation, at least.

You have learned much, young padawan.

What inev said; totally say no. Clearly this is outside your comfort zone. If, in a few months, you're over it or miss the friendship, see paul's post; until then, you don't owe her anything.
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Toaster

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Re: Halp.
« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2010, 01:16:58 am »
Thanks, you guys. You've given me some things to think about. I guess I'm just mad that I got dumped. It makes me think about the girls I've broken up with. Did they feel as bad as I do now? I'm gonna go think.
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littlefallsmets

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Re: Halp.
« Reply #5 on: January 12, 2010, 02:31:43 am »
When the relationship ends, so do all obligations to be anything more than strictly civil.

It is not like a roast, there is no carry-over effect from all that getting laid where you still owe her something even now.

As long as you are being humane, do whatever the hell you want now.
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lprkn

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Re: Halp.
« Reply #6 on: January 12, 2010, 03:17:11 am »
Quote from: Asherdan on January 11, 2010, 11:21:04 pm
What he said.

Why hang onto a corpse? It smells and it can't keep you warm at night.

(I'm saying your relationship is dead and you should move on, without her)

Maybe if you light it on fire?
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AugustWest

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Re: Halp.
« Reply #7 on: January 12, 2010, 03:35:55 am »
Quote from: pmcd9 on January 11, 2010, 11:52:54 pm
I usually stay friendly with my exes.  So she's fuck*ng somebody else now, big deal.  You can go fuck somebody else now as well.  Did you not like her?  Were you only together for the sex?  I guess if the answer to those questions is yes then by all means move on.  But if you like her then why not, what's it gonna hurt you to remain friends?

I tend to agree with this idea, but I will note that there are "friends" and then there are "friends".  Of course you should stay friendly with her.  You should not help her move.
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theinevitable

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Re: Halp.
« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2010, 04:04:20 am »
I buy that idea, but a lot of the time breaking up has to do with realizing you don't like the person. At least, that is my experience with the not-so-many girlfriends I have had.
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Toaster

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Re: Halp.
« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2010, 04:38:41 am »
Thank you all.

It's interesting that inev should mention reasons because: Come to think of it, she never actually told me why she was breaking up with me. She just said it was happening, and I said okay. I didn't want to turn it into a fight; I just thought, "This is her right. I would never ask her to be with me if she didn't want to, because that would be wrong." I was so hellbent on being a good feminist that we never acually had a breakup conversation.

Is it okay to have it now? Am I owed that? Again, the feminist in me cringes at the idea of her "owing" me anything. But it seems reasonable to want a reason for this huge change in both of our lives. I'm not going to stand outside her window with a boombox playing Peter Gabriel; I just want to know what happened.

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theinevitable

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Re: Halp.
« Reply #10 on: January 12, 2010, 04:49:13 am »
I don't see what feminism has to do with this? I think people owe each other explanations for this sort of thing.
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AugustWest

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Re: Halp.
« Reply #11 on: January 12, 2010, 05:03:17 am »
Quote from: Toaster on January 12, 2010, 04:38:41 am
Thank you all.

It's interesting that inev should mention reasons because: Come to think of it, she never actually told me why she was breaking up with me. She just said it was happening, and I said okay. I didn't want to turn it into a fight; I just thought, "This is her right. I would never ask her to be with me if she didn't want to, because that would be wrong." I was so hellbent on being a good feminist that we never acually had a breakup conversation.


The fact that you took it so calmly indicates to me that you were probably OK with the breakup on some level -- consciously or unconsciously.  Now you're feeling guilty about rejecting her.  You're asking our permission to be unhappy with someone who unceremoniously dumped you.

If you still enjoy talking to her occasionally, that's fine.  If you don't care if you ever see her again, that's fine too.  There are no wrong answers.
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littlefallsmets

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Re: Halp.
« Reply #12 on: January 12, 2010, 05:09:21 am »
I dunno.

Getting an "explanation" or a "breakup conversation" seems to me something akin to having your arm broken in an accident and then going to have it checked out by a doctor who specializes in Civil War-era amputations. No matter how cleanly the fracture should heal with time and care, if you go to this guy for a second opinion, there is a bonesaw a bottle of whiskey and a world of hurt in your future.

It's done.

Returning to the scene of the crime is just daring the cops to smash your taillights out or plant drugs in your car for kicks, even if they can't nail you for what occurred previously.
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Toaster

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Re: Halp.
« Reply #13 on: January 12, 2010, 05:45:25 am »
I sent her an e-mail. It's the wee hours in Europe, and then she has college, so the soonest I'll get a response is some time tomorrow.

Thanks for your help. I'll let you know what happens, unless it goes unforseeably awry.
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Re: Halp.
« Reply #14 on: January 12, 2010, 05:55:53 am »
no matter what, if it were geographically/financially possible, we would all(each?) take you out for a drink.
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