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[lprkn]

Do these go out via twitter, too? I'm not sure, they usually seem too long for that medium.

Anyway, I thought that maybe we could snag'em and tag'em up here, for those who ain't on the MyFaceTwitIn.

[lprkn]

December '09

12/16/09: It's a balmy sixty-three degrees in Achewood, with humidity holding steady at 58%.

12/16/09: Téodor is on the couch, eating little wads of $23.99/lb prosciutto di Parma on tortilla chips. Philippe is staring at a glass of water, trying to understand the area where the air and liquid meet.

12/16/09: It's spitting rain. Ray is at Seven Pines, mulling over whether to go hit a few or pound a few. He might also slam a few. The man has options.

12/16/09: Téodor just found an old cassette by his high school band, The Howard City Ronalds, but no longer has any way of listening to it. Across town, Rod Huggins is negotiating a contract with Lickwell Morehog.

12/16/09: Lyle is in the kitchen, barfing out a handle of Carlo Rossi. His longest single sustained peristaltic ejection is six seconds, which is pretty good if you think about it.

12/17/09: A homeless man asked Pat if he could have his bus transfer, but Pat flatly declined him on principle. He reasons that the city designs the bus systems under the assumption that a certain percentage of transfers won't get used, so why put things out of wack?

12/17/09: Téodor has coined a new Latiny term: "Celeritas," or, having the presence and qualities of celery. Usage: "I did not enjoy the new neighbor; a certain celeritas dulled his every outward aspect."

12/18/09: Chris has posted a strip he's been arguing with all week, and is going to bed. Unfortunately, it's 5am, so it's time to get up! Who wants steak?

12/18/09: It is Christmastime. When Nice Pete pictures holiday parties, all he can think of is a man making love to a clear but somehow fat area that has been placed on a photocopier. The area has a wig on top. What does any of this have to do with Jesus, he wonders, and shakes his head.

12/19/09: Pat is in the back yard. He has a piece of seasoned firewood standing upright on a $95 Wiilliams-Sonoma cutting block. He's holding a hatchet. He's naked except for a sweater vest. Rod is fumbling in the dark with the controls of his new, expensive SLR camera. He's tipsy, but it's his kind of Friday.

12/19/09: Philippe can't sleep, so he's running the very tip of his tongue across the roof of his mouth, making that crazy tickling sensation. He stops whenever he hears footsteps pass down the hall. In the kitchen, someone he doesn't know is talking about pepperoni.

12/27/09: Todd just saw Avatar and is in a field full of sleepy, grazing Holsteins. He springs up, grabbing one by its shin and holding on tight. It takes a step; he feels free, liberated from earth's finite range of motion. It then pauses to eat grass for half an hour; he lights a cigarette, and eventually goes to listen to tapes in his van.

[lprkn]

January '10

01/02/10: Ray, having skipped 1/1/2010, is finally stirring in the mid-afternoon of 1/2/2010. He's not sure if this is a good idea. He's not sure if he should open his eyes. He does not know if admitting to his body that he is awake will cause it to start hurting him even more. He wonders if Dr. Andretti can put him in a medical...

01/02/10: Otters are not supposed to eat cheeseburgers, so Philippe is in the backyard "having problems." He can't reach the doorknob to let himself back in, so I gave him Liz's phone (set to dial my own), a thick hat, and a flashlight.

01/20/10: Rod, disgusted to the point of action by the "daily compostables collection bowl" Pat keeps by the sink, throws the handful of apple peels and polenta crusts in the trash. He places the bowl in the dishwasher. He will deal with the fallout later, perhaps aided by the Frisky Bison he is about to pour himself.

01/20/10: Pat pulls up, parks and locks his gravity-sensible skitter-cart in the garage, and enters the house. Something is amiss. There...there is a particular aroma lacking in the air. He smells too much of Rod's Aramis body spray and not enough...WHERE THE HELL IS HIS COMPOST BOWL?!

01/20/10: Todor is on a bus downtown, surrounded by ingrates, tosspots, and the diminished. In vain, he attempts to look over some YES tablature.

01/20/10: Pat is still out, furiously pacing the neighborhood. It's not that the compost was wasted—(ok, actually that's a big part of it)...but Rod's just tossing it like that...it speaks to deeper issues. DEEPER ISSUES OF RESPECT AND COMMITMENT. HOW CAN PAT BUILD A HOUSE ON SAND AND LIES. TODAY THE COMPOST BOWL, TOMORROW AAAAIIIAAAGHHHAHAHGHHHGAH

01/24/10: Téodor feels blindly around the bed for his Blackberry. His head throbs, but he is in a panic. He opens the camera app and frantically scrolls up and down through the latest pictures. A wave of relief; he did not take and post to Twitter a photograph of his junk laying over a clementine. It must have been a dream.

[lprkn]

February '10

02/02/10: The Animal Control van was parked in front of the house all day, which gave everyone a bad case of the scares. Poor Philippe started crying the minute it drove away (it was dealing with a bad neighbor's backyard dog conditions, nothing to do with us) and Cornelius only made it worse by trying to pull quarters out of his ears and pretending to "steal his nose."

02/03/10: Philippe can't find his favorite green hat. "Oh, dashes," he says, snapping his fingers in dismay.

02/06/10: Chris is once again set up to offer Achewood original art on commission! Pencil, pen and ink, and acrylic/canvas. Please write chris@achewood.com for the details.

02/12/10: Beef knows that Molly doesn't mind playing around with genitals and mirrors, but he's not entirely sure he wants to see exactly where her Bartholin glands are. It would be interesting, but it might "Put too much of a face on Jesus," as he says.

02/12/10: Beef caved and agreed to look at Molly's Bartholin glands, but it was fairly anticlimactic. In the end, he went out alone for a salami sandwich, and she stayed in to watch So You Think You're Dancing With A Star.

02/14/10: Téodor is in his room, trying to transcribe the piano in this piece to guitar. He'll give up around the fifth measure and just listen to the album with some Ruffles and sour cream. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elbJ4hy5C7A

02/16/10: This is our first family photo album!

02/17/10: Nice Pete is at the bodega picking up a can of pinto beans for his late supper. He does the money thing. The woman gives coins back. He does not look up. Neither does she. She is Asian. He can smell the food she made earlier, behind the counter. It reeks of eggs and shrimp. He wants to run, to destroy. He will not eat the pinto beans, in the end.

02/18/10: NEWS! Signed, personalized strips are once again available in our NEW Facebook-based shop! Choose from any of over 1,600 comics. (Most of our other merchandise is in there as well.) http://apps.facebook.com/achewoodifanstore/

02/18/10: Téodor just ate two enchiladas that tasted like they were dressed in ketchup. He's only been to the place once; does he "Yelp" his disappointment, or give it another chance? It's not clear what Bruni would do in this instance, and this pains him. (He does not accept Sifton yet; it's too soon.)

02/22/10: Achewood Community Challenge! Make up the best strip club name that you personally can. We'll start with this: "The Fallopiozone." There, things can only look up from here.

02/23/10: Strip Club Naming Results Are In! These are the best ones, based on my decision: 1. Floppers! 2. Assplebees 3. Taint No Sunshine 4. Assghanistan 4. Peppers by the Airport 5. "That's One Way To Discover The Navy" (I made up that last one.) Thanks to everyone who contributed. All but one of the replies was excellent, so this was extremely, extremely hard, and required a brief period of hospitalization.

[lprkn]

March '10 (so far)

03/01/10: This will be the week where Téodor finally reads Michael Ruhlman's "Ratio," even though it promises to be more or less a list of baking ratios, with very few instances of murder, conspiracy, and genital one-upsmanship.

03/12/10: It's a great Friday afternoon, and Téodor is high on life. (It should be mentioned that marijuana is a thing that is in life.)

03/17/10: I don't know what's worse: that someone left their copy of "The Naked Wimp" on the coffee table where Philippe can see it, or that it's a monthly.

03/19/10: Lyle and Todd are drinkin' at the Mud Scow. It's Boilermaker night, and Todd has a broken arm from stealing fat-looking wadded Subway wrappers out of a car. Between the two of them, the night will end in splits of Thunderbird and Lyle blacking out to Todd repeatedly flicking a BIC lighter and chittering "Abracadabra!"

[Drygioni]

02/14/10: Téodor is in his room, trying to transcribe the piano in this piece to guitar. He'll give up around the fifth measure and just listen to the album with some Ruffles and sour cream. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elbJ4hy5C7A]

02/14/10: Téodor is in his room, trying to transcribe the piano in this piece to guitar. He'll give up around the fifth measure and just listen to the album with some Ruffles and sour cream. [url]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=elbJ4hy5C7A[/url][/url]

fuck*ng mental. I was listening to this as I read this arghhh my head

Good work Lepraporkin

[jay-ell]

Excellent. I'm not on Twitter and don't follow the 'wood on FB, so this is nice to have.

[oball]

Holy crap, Judy, you annihilated that BBCode.

[Drygioni]

Holy crap, Judy, you annihilated that BBCode.

I am leaving it there as a warning to us all.

[lprkn]

03/26/10: It is 8:27. The bead shop closes in three minutes; Molly is inside. Beef waits in the car, the engine off. He reads Mother Jones with the clip-on reading light he keeps for just such occasions. He won't say anything later, but he feels like he deserves a small carnal acknowledgement for driving all the way across town just to waste his evening like this.

[JorgeFabregas]

That's beautiful.

[greenkoolayd]

before he starts worrying about whats owed him, beef needs to remember the carnal acknowledgements he owes molly every time she has to go out of her way for him.  if he wants to quantify such a thing as affection....

[lprkn]

03/26/10: DoYouKnowHowMuchYouMatterToMe.com isn't taken. Téodor so, completely, is going to buy that before an emo band does. He stands to make a cool ten off this deal.

[oball]

27/03/10: Molly is just sitting there on the couch, engrossed in her necklace project. Beef keeps walking through the room, subtly yet suggestively, but he's starting to give up hope that he'll be receiving any carnal acknowledgement of any sort in the near future.

[jay-ell]

Who would bead on the couch? That's just asking for trouble.

You gotta have a FIRM LEVEL SURFACE for that shit. Clearly, Mrs. 'Stad is not a beader, or The On would have known better.