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[Pedro Picasso]

What is the difference between self-control and repression?

I grew up a Catholic southerner with a deep and abiding respect for authority. (That reads: few people around me held or understood my beliefs.)

Our pastor, Father Bill was a Franciscan Friar. He was a monk. A vow of chastity. A vow of poverty. Everything he used on a daily basis was technically the property of the church. I thought that guy was badass. I really admired his sacrifice and dedication and thought that such a lifestyle brought clarity and strength.

Now it seems much more likely that such a lifestyle could be horribly alienating, even damaging, and would certainly get in the way of the connecting and understanding work of the priesthood.

Because of my upbringing, I limited certain behaviors, and beat myself up pretty bad when I didn't successfully limit others. I'm starting to see how even this could be damaging, but having never explored these issues openly, I lack a frame of reference.

Surely there is still such a thing as healthy self-control. Apparently, there is such a thing as harmful repression. What are the criteria for determining where to draw the line? If "all things are permissible, but only some things are beneficial," how do you set your boundaries?

Does everybody either adopt a given frame of reference (like good little Mormons and Catholics) or just play with boundaries in youth until they get burned and retreat?

How badly do most people get hurt before they frame their version of a healthy lifestyle?

I know this is a lot of questions, and folks have probably been working this out all their lives. But I went from being a pretty mature kid to a really naive adult, and I've only just now noticed the change.

[AugustWest]

I think the difference between self-control and repression is the ability to exceed the limits set for you. 

Repression = limits set by others that you are not able to transcend.

Self-control = limits you set on yourself that you could transcend but choose not to.

[AugustWest]

Goddamiit, I sound like some new age fuck up there. Shoot me.

Comes from living in California.

[theinevitable]

I think there is also an aspect of not completely understanding the nature of the thing you are denying yourself, or why you are denying it to yourself. This lack of understanding combined with denial makes it loom larger and larger in your life, way out of proportion with its actual importance.

This opinion informed by the "Lust" segment of this episode of This American Life. An evangelical Christian teen is obsessed with his own disgusting lust, and goes to great lengths to try to deny himself (including not looking at any woman below the chin, ever). Eventually a priest suggests, "why don't you just let yourself jack it sometimes?" It works out for the better. He realizes that that one aspect of his life was taking over everything else.

[Doc]

I think it's about short vs long term goals, or considered vs unconsidered desires.

Self control is when you stay on top of your short term desires because you're keeping an eye on your long term goals.

I guess repression is when you stay on top of short term desires but not because you've got an eye on anything, just because you think short term desires should be suppressed.

[wombat]

Doc's post is the only one here that makes any sense to me. I don't know even know what the rest of you are talking about. Is that because this is a bunch of guys talking somewhat obscurely about sex from a perspective I am unlikely to share, or are there other things to which this discussion of self-control and repression is relevant?

[Pedro Picasso]

Doc's post is the only one here that makes any sense to me. I don't know even know what the rest of you are talking about. Is that because this is a bunch of guys talking somewhat obscurely about sex from a perspective I am unlikely to share, or are there other things to which this discussion of self-control and repression is relevant?

Drugs? Tattoos? Contact with unclean animals? Yelling at people in traffic? Foul language?

[wombat]

Do people really feel bad if they use bad language and get tattoos in the modern world? I am asking seriously. I don't see any evidence that one is expected to exert self-control there. I mean, yeah, maybe don't say fuck in front of the kids or the parrot or on live TV but otherwise it is normal behavior.

As for drugs, OK, but it is something I can't relate to. I have always found drugs terrifying. Not doing drugs for me isn't self-control any more than not jumping off a building requires self-control. Not yelling in traffic is the same - who knows if the other person might pull out a gun, so I'd never do it.

I guess I have to revise my analysis of why I don't understand this conversation: If you come from a home for scared people you don't have the urge to do dangerous things so you don't need self-control about them.

[jay-ell]

What was the definition I gave you last night? I felt like it was clever but I can't remember it now.

[Pedro Picasso]

I don't know. You said a lot of things last night.

Do people really feel bad if they use bad language and get tattoos in the modern world? I am asking seriously.

Seriously, some of them do.

Goddamiit, I sound like some new age fuck up there. Shoot me.

I KNOW! Every time I think in terms of 'personal journey' I can hear Ron Swanson yelling, "Son, people can SEE you."

I guess I have to revise my analysis of why I don't understand this conversation: If you come from a home for scared people you don't have the urge to do dangerous things so you don't need self-control about them.

What if you found out it was never all that dangerous?
Topical Comic Illustration!http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2013/03/22


Ash, AW, and Doc: these are interesting perspectives. Thanks. I will think on them.

This lack of understanding combined with denial makes it loom larger and larger in your life, way out of proportion with its actual importance.

That bias hadn't occurred to me. It makes total sense, and (hopefully) explains why this is only a big deal to me.

[wombat]

I feel very sorry for people who are upset by bad language and tattoos. Like what Inev says about allowing things to loom out of proportion - you have to figure out what is a real problem in life and what is not. Tattoos (even ugly tattoos made by people without the least sense of art and design oh god don't get me started) are not a real problem. They're not hurting anyone. You have to pick your battles in life. Don't pick stupid ones.

What if you found out it was never all that dangerous?

Still would be nasty. I don't like mind-altering substances, I like my mind the way it is.

You know, there are a lot of things in life that I want that I can't have or can't do. But none of them are things I can't because I shouldn't. My problems lie elsewhere.

[pmcd9]

I've learned to use tattoos as a personality gauge. You can learn a lot about someone by what they choose to have permanently inked into their skin.

[Pedro Picasso]

I feel very sorry for people who are upset by bad language and tattoos.

The only person I know under 70 who is sincerely down on coarse language does have tattoos.

I know several people who are down on tattoos.

There are many things I've never-for-a-minute considered because I "shouldn't." Now the "shouldn't" business is (slowly and laboriously) dropping away. I've got "not really interested in" on order. Hoping it ships soon.

[wombat]

There are many things I've never-for-a-minute considered because I "shouldn't." Now the "shouldn't" business is (slowly and laboriously) dropping away.

I hope yelling at people in traffic isn't really one of them. That shit is dangerous.

[pmcd9]

Repression, recession, it's all the same thing