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[pmcd9]

TL;DR

Awhile back I may have mentioned to my mother that I was thinking about reading the Bible again. Last week her and my sister downloaded a Bible app. They are using the app to read the Bible in a year. They mentioned it to me and I was like, why not. I was actually planning on reading something by H.P. Lovecraft because it's an important influence on the creators of Rick and Morty. But hey, the Bible is crazier than anything so let's do this.

I went into this with an open mind. Last time I went in skeptical and quickly dismissed it for being utterly preposterous. So I began reading, carefully, hoping to glean some bit of wisdom I missed the first time through. It didn't take long before the road got rocky. Before, when I get to the part where Cain and Abel take wives I think where did these bitches come from, which is a natural question to ask. Rather than dismiss it, I examine the question and come up with several possible scenarios. The most obvious scenario, is that Eve, the only woman alive, gave birth to them and they are actually Cain and Abel's sisters. Then I considered the possibility that God made these women in the same way that Eve was made, from the ribs of Cain and Abel*. I also considered that God made a whole other bunch of people, but this must have been after Adam and Eve were kicked out of the garden. I discounted this idea because these would be new original perfect creations from God and wouldn't share the original sin of Adam and Eve. That, I had believed was on them and their offspring for ever. How could that apply to some completely new person outside of their bloodline?

I was so proud of myself. I envisioned calling my mother to discuss these issues. Not as a skeptic pointing out the inconsistencies, but as a student of the word desiring to deepen my knowledge. These thoughts followed me to sleep last night. It was glorious.

I awoke suddenly at 5:30 with these thoughts fully formed in my head. Cain and Abel's wives were their sisters. It was God's revenge for Adam and Eve eating from the tree of knowledge. Adam was smart, a scientist even, naming all of the animals and the plants. And Eve was clever, she opened the book of knowledge of Good and Evil. But then, thanks to asshole God, to propagate the species, their kids had to fuck each other. In one generation the family of man went from genius level to imbecile. And that's why 6,000 years later most of the planet is still taking this fuck*ng book seriously. I-yi-yi, what thoughts I was having.

After I had fully awoken I thought, no, that can't be right. when God screws us all over he likes to brag about it. No way he's going to leave this little devious gem between the lines.

So anyway, bottom line, I'm kinda afraid to call my mother right now for fear of what I might say if she asks me about the reading.

*While writing this out I realized this doesn't actually solve the problem of inbreeding as Adam's rib would be the same DNA as Adam. So the rest of my theory doesn't make any sense.

[wombat]

*While writing this out I realized this doesn't actually solve the problem of inbreeding as Adam's rib would be the same DNA as Adam. So the rest of my theory doesn't make any sense.

But we're talking God here. God could change the DNA. But if he's all powerful why does he even have to start with a rib?

[KeithHernandez]

But then, thanks to asshole God, to propagate the species, their kids had to fuck each other. In one generation the family of man went from genius level to imbecile. And that's why 6,000 years later most of the planet is still taking this fuck*ng book seriously. I-yi-yi, what thoughts I was having.

: )

And I was gonna say, probably not most of the world. But if you add up muslims, mormons, christians and Jews (who all take at least parts of the book seriously)...maybe.  Maybe most of the world? 

I am pretty sure their are more people in SE Asia and China than the rest of the world, so maybe not most?  Idk if this helps make anything better.  They for sure have their own awful things happening.

[Carlos del Vaca]

My thought about end-of-the-world scenarios in which there's one man and one woman left, and it's up to the two of you to repopulate the earth, is that you'd be thereby expecting your children to procreate together. Ewwwww. Nope, we're dyin' out, that's it.