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[AugustWest]

There are two sorts of people in the world:  People who admit they masturbate and liars.

[Pedro Picasso]

There are two sorts of people in the world:  People who admit they masturbate and liars.

John Ashcroft does not masterbate.

[AlohaDawg]

Then Pedro must be the liar!

Masturbating liar, you.

I lie to myself <while> masturbating. Makes it seem so real.

[Bozack]

I lie to myself <while> masturbating. Makes it seem so real.

Basically, that's what masturbation is. You're telling your limbic system that you're actually locked in hot, sweaty coitus, when you're actually rubbing one off, alone, while your roomate's in the shower.

[CortJstr]

I lie to myself <while> masturbating. Makes it seem so real.

So you're saying that you sit on your hand so that it feels like somebody else is doing it?

[arkabee]

I lie to myself <while> masturbating. Makes it seem so real.

oh my. oh my goodness.

must... resist... temptation....


edit- what the hell, i just turned LIE BOT with this post, so i'll say it:

woke up on the wrong side of misogyny this morning?

[AlohaDawg]

I lie to myself <while> masturbating. Makes it seem so real.

So you're saying that you sit on your hand so that it feels like somebody else is doing it?

Maybe I'm sitting on my <other> hand <while> I do it.

[Limmo]

So you're saying that you sit on your hand so that it feels like somebody else is doing it?

The Stranger!

[V-Adore]

The Stranger I can basically grok -- it's the Roommate that kind of confuses me, unless you're naturally, er, a very giving person.

[St_Zartan]

People. I am one hundred percent w/ you all on the whole pro-masturbation thing, and I salute your ardor. BUT THIS SHIT IS SERIOUSLY NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THIS COMPLICATED

Let me quote something I found on the internet after a rigorous Google search lasting approximately forty-five seconds: "'SPEAKER THE DEVIL' Get a small speaker — with a power handling of about 20 watts. Feed it a sound source and boost the bass. The speaker cone will get some good vibrations going, so put your c*ck on the speaker cone."

You are not starring in your own kung fu movie. No one is expecting exciting new techniques like "The Stranger", "The Roommate", "Pheasant Under Glass", and "Speaker The Devil". All of these techniques have the same end result: thirty seconds afterward, you are wondering why you ever went to so much goddamned trouble.

Oh, and John Ashcroft totally spanks it. To what, however, one can only wonder / speculate / cringe / forge that Viagra prescription. If he relies upon freely available, substandard porn (as opposed to paying for / stealing it), I can totally see why he's such an uptight, frustrated individual.

[V-Adore]

terrifying masturbation techniques he may or may not be making up

I have no firsthand experience (ba-dum!) with the male side of this question, but I find the phrase "put your c*ck on the speaker cone" extremely troubling in implication. It seems like even the most positive outcome (npi) involves possible speaker damage.

(note to self: do not post at 1 AM on the subject of dubious masturbatory techniques. The unintentional puns just keep on c... no, don't say it... aagh!!)

[AugustWest]

"Pheasant Under Glass"

??????

Oh, and John Ashcroft totally spanks it. To what, however, one can only wonder / speculate / cringe / forge that Viagra prescription. If he relies upon freely available, substandard porn (as opposed to paying for / stealing it), I can totally see why he's such an uptight, frustrated individual.

Well thank you very much.  Now I'm forced to speculate over what type of porn John Ashcroft beats off to.  Such a deeply revealing inquiry...

I'd say he goes for one extreme or the other.  Either utterly bland soft-core airbrushed Hefneresque pap or something that makes Tubgirl look tame.  That's assuming he's looking at females.  But yeah, anybody that repressed is downright scary.

[wombat]

You are not starring in your own kung fu movie. No one is expecting exciting new techniques like "The Stranger", "The Roommate", "Pheasant Under Glass", and "Speaker The Devil". All of these techniques have the same end result: thirty seconds afterward, you are wondering why you ever went to so much goddamned trouble.

I love Zartan and this messageboard. I can't remember what my life was like before it, but it must have been so dull and pointless.

[andalucia]

It seems like even the most positive outcome (npi) involves possible speaker damage.

Yeah, exactly.  That was the part I had trouble understanding... some people just have no respect for stereo equipment.

[Ben-San]

I actually must come down in favor of people living their lives as if they were starring in their own kung fu movie and, by extension, the creation of Unique Secret Masturbational Arts. These may not be techniques I would ever consider using, but I fully support the Sixteen Masters Of Flying Dragon Cuff lifestyle.