By way of following up...
It went REALLY well.
I got there at 6, signed in, and then waited in a bar full of noob comics. You've never seen a more studious bunch of losers. A bar filled with dudes with note books writing in them, and then gazing off into space.
I had my material on a 3x5" notepad in rough outline form. I sat and thought over what I was going to say while running a stop watch. I had three minutes. I estimated I had 5 minutes of material... so I culled a bunch and then kept working it while drinking diet sodas.
The lady came out, grabbed the sign up sheet, at 7. While sitting there I had kind of put it together. There were some local names I knew sitting in the room. On the sheet it talked about time restrictions and how the red light signal works. They're PAYING ATTENTION to the people who signed up. There's no way they're going to put me up after a local guy who is doing middle spots for headliners. They're going to set this up like any other comedy show. They follow the names that come through and put them in slots according to their known ability.
Then it hit me.
I'm going first.
How awful.
7:30 came, they opened the showroom and posted the call sheet. #4. After Kyle Drizler. I checked in with the hostess. She gave me a rundown of the room, where the green room is, when I should be in it, how the light works. All pretty straight forward, but good to have someone explain it. I sat down, ordered a Diet Coke and drank it down as the room slowly filled with people coming to a free show, and the 20 other comedians. I then ordered a crispy Stella, which arrived just in time for me to stare at it while watching hte host and then #1 perform. He wasn't bad. He had chops. He wasn't new.
He finished, so I ducked into the green room. It's the size of a closet. I got in there as the host was just getting off stage from introducing #2. The host was a big guy named Ian Karmel. Super funny. If you've ever seen Portlandia, he's the guy that dies in a bathtub while they write a song for Portland. We introduce ourselves to each other. A couple people go by, and #3 goes on stage. I step from the green room into the curtained cubicle on the side of the stage, and wait. #3 (Kyle) is funny too. Kind of a spaz. He's a programmer and keeps saying "NO, THIS IS TRUE, I DON'T HAVE MATERIAL, I'M JUST TALKING". My delivery is dry, and slow. I tend to be more deadpan than smarmy. I'm having second thoughts, but this is just as Kyle comes off, and Ian goes back out. Like a bullet in a gun there's really only one exit for me. Ian is going to say my name, and I'm going out there.
"READY FOR OUR NEXT COMIC? ANOTHER PORTLAND LOCAL, SHAWN MCBRIDE!"
I open the curtain and it is like a WWII movie. You know the scenes where they're being shelled, and a shell explodes nearby and everything is deafened and muffled and ringing and jittery. My blood goes up into my head and my ears hum from inside, and I'm walking. Even for stage lights they're VERY bright. There's a lot of noise. I'm walking towards the mic and Ian is walking towards me. We shake hands. Like gentlemen.
I pull the mic out of the stand, and put the stand off to the side and I cradle it. It is my rock. The crowd quiets. I can't see any of them, but I can feel them watching. I start slowly and haltingly liked planned. My first intro joke that I had planned... thuds, but it is a lead in to my next premise and I just push forward. I was so worried about forgetting the order and flow, but it is like I'm on rails. I said this stuff in my office so many times, it is ALMOST rote.
They're liking it. They're following along. I get a big laugh talking about how while I was playing XBox I unlocked an achievement, the punchline being it was the middle of the day and I'm friended to my boss. "Shawn McBride has unlocked "Not Responsible Enough To Work From Home On A Tuesday" while playing Call Of Duty". I move in to talking about porn. I gambled that saying "German Goo Girls Part 6" is funny. "Which, if you're going to get into the series, German Goo Girls part 6 is probably the best point. German Goo Girls part 1 and German Goo Girls Part 2, the actors are still fresh, unsure where they're going with their characters, and they're just setting up the plot. German Goo Girls part 12 was just rushed as they were trying to tie up all the loose plot ends, and it was just..." and I hadn't planned the next word, it was a happy accident "just sloppy." Biggest unintentional laugh! So I added "So...so sloppy." (And I managed to say "German Goo Girls" correctly each time without tripping on it. A feat I couldn't muster when I was explaining the night to the girlfriend later on.)
At that point, that should have been my 3 minute mark, but the light hadn't even gone on. So I started into the stuff that I had culled, which they liked, and as I was worked up to the big punch line the light started flashing (15 second warning), which freaked me the fuck out, so I wrapped up my sentence and said "THAT'S MY TIME, THANK YOU SO MUCH!" and made a bee line for the green room, went back to my seat in the showroom and drank my waiting Stella.
SO good. I wouldn't say I CRUSHED, but I didn't crater. They laughed at me (where I wanted them to.)
Future attempts: I'll see about video. Thanks guys.
Author
Topic: Today I'm gonna... (Read 1348824 times)