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[wombat]

So wait, your mom didn't marry a guy who murdered another man with a timepiece?

I thought it was pretty impressive that my grandmother divorced my mother's father, married another guy, and then divorced him and remarried her first husband. I thought it was pretty scandalous for the era. But now in comparison it seems totally boring.

JL, as for keeping autism a secret - He's going to notice he's different, so you can't conceal the fact, just the word for it. And keeping the word a secret gives it more damaging power than just using it like it's any other word.

Also - haven't you ever had a mysterious medical condition and then finally gotten a word for it? It's a huge relief. It feels much better than thinking that you're the only one who's this way and no one understands what it is.

[theinevitable]

my friend Hannah told me about how when she was a kid, her parents told her that Christian kids believe in this guy called Santa, etc. She spent many years around christmastime saying things like "wow, so, Santa brought those? not your PARENTS? Wouldn't it be easier for your PARENTS to do it?" She said no kid ever figured it out, though. She said they always seemed kind of sad that she didn't get presents from Santa.

[linnea]

JL, hope you're doing okay.

I think AD should be honest with the kid if the kid asks. It'll help them come to a more realistic idea of what love and sex are, and how they are connected.

This is off-topic, but as long as we're talking about sex, my mind jumped to gender - does anyone here have any experience with trans issues?

I met a trans guy in college at an LGBT party once. He'd been born a lady (Renée) but had later transitioned and became René. He was the butchest, manliest man I'd ever seen. He was totally ripped (muscular) and so butch that he could've been a diesel mechanic or something. He was a sharp dresser too, and very handsome. I was shocked when I found out that he wasn't biologically XY. Not only that, he had children before he transitioned, and they still called him "Mom". Craaaazy! Gender and society is such a weird construct.

When I was 20 i found a picture of my mom marrying a guy who wasn't my father... in jail. He was there for murdering a dude..... with a clock (not glock, clock). Finding this information decades into my life made me suspicious of other things, because it was never told to me. I think giving a kid the straight deal as early as possible makes it seem normal and acceptable, as opposed to revealing it years later like you've been sitting on secrets. If my mom married a clock murderer before my father, what else isn't she telling me?

My mom was married twice before she married my dad. I think I was probably around 12 when I was digging around through a huge box of family photos and found wedding pictures of my mom that were not with my dad. t always made me suspicious as hell that she wasn't telling me the whole truth about ANYTHING after that.

[jaydub]

I worked with a trans guy for several years.  He was still nominally female at the beginning, but dressed ambiguously, had a gender neutral name, and didn't overtly communicate a sexual preference or identity during casual conversation.  Some of his female coworkers took to shadowing him until he went into the ladies room to satisfy their curiosity.  Its interesting to see how twisted out of shape people get over not being able to categorize someone into the basic bins.  Later on he surgically transitioned, married a woman and adopted 4 kids.  He's since left my company to run his wife's nail salon businesses.

[Nabubrush]

I think you should take with a grain of salt any child-rearing advice you get from imaginary people on the internets. I think it is fun when your parents keep secrets from you and then you find them out later. It makes them seem more mysterious and less lame and boring.

[jay-ell]

I'm cool with secrets about my parents' life before I was born. 

It's the secrets about *my* life that freak me out. 

In the end, Pedro and I will do what we will do.  But it's interesting to see what my imaginary friends think. 

Especially when most of them agree with me. 

[Nabubrush]

I'm sure you'll do fine, because most people who aren't complete idiots* somehow seem to do a good job raising the little ones. I'm just not going to give you any advice about it because I don't have kids, and will never have kids, and can barely manage to make the correct decision about what to do with my own life maybe half the time.

I have sort of perversely enjoyed finding out weird shit about my parents, grandparents, and siblings long after the fact. Turns out my (adoptive) paternal granfather was bi, and pretty much told Grandma he was going to be who he was, so to speak. Who knew you could be bi back in the 30s?



*Many, many people who have children actually are complete idiots, more's the pity. None of the folks around here who have kids fit this bill, as far as I can tell.

[AlohaDawg]

Parenting <is> interesting territory, isn't it. Far more interesting even than marriage.

The Autism one - I was supposedly ADD (back then, they only had the term 'hyperactive" to use) and as an adult there have been lots of other theories about 'me' that are now either untestable or irrelevant since I'm all growed up. My personal preference would be to let a child know about their special difference from other kids at an age where they can process and accept it without labeling themselves, or worse, develop a crutch (I can't do this because I'm _____________). Because personalities are different, some kids are going to say the opposite, (I WILL do this in spite of my _____________).

I'm a pretty screwed up human. If I came from a factory, I would have been recalled. The ADD, hypersecreting adrenalin, a moderately severe scoliosis, hips cocked, legs different lengths - born 9 weeks premature in 1967, when they couldn't do a damn thing but watch to see if you lived or not - (and then, finding out I'm adopted, the fairly severe and frequent dad-beatings, etc)  I mean, lifes tough and we all face our own barriers. I personally think that the decision to tell/explain these things is predicated on how ready the child is to accept it and how they will react, and how it will affect the way they approach everything that life throws at them. They should know. The question, really, is when. And you as parents will make the best decision you can, and it might work out fabulously and it might not, but you know, there is no instruction book, no oracle to consult, and every case is different, so it will be OK no matter what. Because he loves you and you love him and he trusts that you are trying to do the right thing all the time, and eventually, also understands that you don't always.

All the people on the board here who post about their kids and families are, as far as I know, terrific parents doing a really hard job that costs money and time, and they do it out of love for their children and spouse, and love for the whole idea that life, their life, goes on through their children. You are all awesome.

[linnea]

I worked with a trans guy for several years.  He was still nominally female at the beginning, but dressed ambiguously, had a gender neutral name, and didn't overtly communicate a sexual preference or identity during casual conversation.  Some of his female coworkers took to shadowing him until he went into the ladies room to satisfy their curiosity.  Its interesting to see how twisted out of shape people get over not being able to categorize someone into the basic bins.  Later on he surgically transitioned, married a woman and adopted 4 kids.  He's since left my company to run his wife's nail salon businesses.

It really, REALLY pisses me off when people get all shitty about gender. Who the fuck CARES what bathroom they use? Why do they get so riled up until they can finally put that person in a tiny box called "male" or "female"? Gender ain't binary, as far as I'm concerned.

Then again, when I was 16 and scrawny with a shaved head, I wish I had a nickel for every time some insecure middle-aged man called me "sir" or asked me if I was a boy or a girl, or some catty suburban bitch screeched at me that i was in the wrong bathroom. That shit got really old, really quick.

[jay-ell]

I have sort of perversely enjoyed finding out weird shit about my parents, grandparents, and siblings long after the fact. Turns out my (adoptive) paternal granfather was bi, and pretty much told Grandma he was going to be who he was, so to speak. Who knew you could be bi back in the 30s?

Eleanor Roosevelt, for one. 

Don't ask rhetorical questions like this in front of an historian.  Especially one who studies women's history.  Unless, of course, you enjoy hearing dissertation-length diatribes regarding common misconceptions about social norms throughout the twentieth century. 

[side_show]

This is off-topic, but as long as we're talking about sex, my mind jumped to gender - does anyone here have any experience with trans issues?

Yes, I do.  If you look back you'll find I have posted about several experiences ranging from "I have a crush on him - he has no c*ck" to "when he became a woman, his boyfriend wanted to murder him" to "there was a Diana Ross drag queen posed for a photo shoot on my car" plus lots more that I've never posted about.  If I weren't in a happy, lifetime relationship with man, I think I would most likely be a slut for F to M trans.

[Nabubrush]

Eleanor Roosevelt, for one. 

Don't ask rhetorical questions like this in front of an historian.  Especially one who studies women's history.  Unless, of course, you enjoy hearing dissertation-length diatribes regarding common misconceptions about social norms throughout the twentieth century. 

I was kidding. I would have thought that my posting history and etc. would have made that clear, but the internet has fooled me again.

I think there have been bi people since there have been people.

[jay-ell]

Well, duh. 

But historians have our senses of humor extracted during the first semester of graduate school and don't get them back until after completion of our theses.  So, you see, I was contractually obligated to not let it go. 

Also, any chance I get to educate people about Mrs. Roosevelt's lesbian lover is a chance to do some good in the world. 

Education. 

[Nabubrush]

Well, duh. 

But historians have our senses of humor extracted during the first semester of graduate school and don't get them back until after completion of our theses.  So, you see, I was contractually obligated to not let it go. 

Also, any chance I get to educate people about Mrs. Roosevelt's lesbian lover is a chance to do some good in the world. 

Education. 

Really, anytime there is more lesbian education for other, non-lesbian-type people, it is a good thing.

Are you sure all the historians get their senses of humor back?

[jay-ell]

Are you sure all the historians get their senses of humor back?

No.