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Trivial Pursuits => Wild Card => Topic started by: theinevitable on January 31, 2009, 12:06:15 am
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So this man goes to the doctor's office, he's waiting and waiting, finally the doctor comes in.
They exchange the usual pleasantries, he asks how work's been, etc. Pretty typical.
After a few minutes, the doctor says "John, I'm going to have to ask you to stop masturbating."
"How DARE you!? You call yourself a medical professional? I don't understand how a man with your training can be so unscientific! Masturbation is perfectly natural, and there's no good reason I should stop doing it. I never expected this from you. Where do you get off, Doc?"
"Well, John... I'd like to start the examination now."
It kills me how often I forget jokes that I love.
It is also interesting to hear jokes that I loved when I was in 7th grade and to realize... the reason I loved the joke was that it showed that I knew what a blowjob was, or whatever.
I think too much about why things are funny. This is why I make a lot of jokes that no one laughs at.
I'm looking through all these huge Microsoft word documents I found on my computer, and... wow. I forgot what a huge nerd I was.
Ender's Game jokes, Star Wars jokes, Star Trek jokes, video game jokes...
it was kind of a weird, important moment when it switched over, very suddenly, to jokes about rock music.
What is your favorite joke? Share as many as you want.
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I just heard a joke on you tube yesterday. It was told by George Carlin in 2007.
In the Ozarks how did the mother know that her daughter was on the rag? She could taste the blood on her son's cock.
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In the Ozarks ...
So wrong. In so many ways. That is genius.
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A young guy goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back in my hometown."
The boss liked the kid and said, "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid said, "One."
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day! How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65." "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
"First, I sold him a small giraffehook. Then I sold him a medium giraffehook. Then I sold him a larger giraffehook. Then I sold him a new giraffeing rod. Then I asked him where he was going giraffeing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a giraffe hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
"Well, no," said the young guy. "He came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go giraffeing.'"
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I don't have a favorite joke because I can never remember one for more than five minutes, but here's one my mom just sent me.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
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It is also interesting to hear jokes that I loved when I was in 7th grade and to realize... the reason I loved the joke was that it showed that I knew what a blowjob was, or whatever.
You can file this one in that category, I guess. I think I heard it in elementary school. It's horrible, but it's honestly my favorite joke to tell, mainly because I love making social situations awkward. I'm sorry.
There's this girl in Mrs. Olsen's 4th grade class named Suzy Fuckbreak. One day her aunt passes away and so her mom calls the school's office to give her the message. The secretary writes the message down and hands it to the office assistant to deliver to Suzy. Turns out, there is also a Mrs. Olsen who teaches 5th grade. The kid goes into that class, and yells "I have a message for Suzy Fuckbreak!" The kids in the classroom just stare at him blankly. He says "Fuckbreak? Is there a Fuckbreak in here?" And this kid in the back of the room stands up and replies "Fuckbreak! We don't even get a recess!"
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I'm a huge fan of the joke from "The Killing Joke".
Just me.
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how many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbu--LET'S RIDE BIKES
a woman gets in the checkout line at the grocery store. she puts six tins of cat food, three womens' magazines, and a box of tampons on the conveyor belt.
the cashier, a guy, says "you must be single."
she says "how could you tell?" and bats her eyes at him
he says "because you're fuckin' ugly"
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It's not my favourite joke but when someone demanded everyone tell jokes after several beers the other night it was the only one I could remember:
Three pieces of string walk into a bar, one goes up to the bar and orders three beers. The bartender says 'sorry we don't serve pieces of string in here, I'm afraid you and your friends will have to leave.' The piece of string is obviously upset but goes and tells his two friends and they head out the door. They stop in an alley about a block away from the bar and talk about what to do, after a while they make a decision and start scruffing up their ends and then twist and tie themselves around each other. Then they walk back into the bar and order three beers.
The bartender asks 'Hey, aren't you those three pieces of string I just kicked out of here?'
To which the piece of string that was doing the talking replied 'No. I'm a frayed knot.'
My preferred way of telling that joke involves long digressions about the type of beer they want, what happens while the string was waiting in line and a bit about segregation and the string civil rights movement but you're all good people and such antics are only really funnny when one is drunk anyway.
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Here's a favorite o mine...
The Lone Ranger is captured by Indians. He's brought before the chief who says "You are the enemy of my people, but you are an honorable man and a great warrior. You will be executed, but because you've always fought with honor we will wait three days. On each of these three days we will grant you one wish. Then at the end of the third day you will be executed."
The next morning The Lone Ranger is visited in his cell by the chief who ask him what his wish for the first day will be. The Lone Ranger says that he wants to see his hoss Trigger. The chief thinks this is an odd request, but what the hell. They bring Trigger into the cell and The Lone Ranger comes up and whispers in his ear. Trigger takes off like lightning out of the cell and out of the Indian village. About 3 hours later he returns with a beautiful red headed woman riding on his back. He brings the woman into The Lone Rangers cell where she and the masked man make passionate love for the rest of the day and night.
The next morning the chief returns to the cell to ask the Lone Ranger what his next wish will be. Again The Lone Ranger wants to see his hoss Trigger and like the day before The Lone Ranger whispers in his ear and he takes off only to return later with a beautiful blonde this time.
On the morning of the third day The Lone Ranger makes the same request, to see his hoss Trigger. The chief and pretty much everyone in the village knows what's coming next. But this time when Trigger is brought into the cell The Lone Ranger grabs him roughly by the ear and says "Listen up you stupid hoss, I said POSSE!"
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This was pretty much my signature joke when I tended bar. Because a bartender HAS to know jokes.
A guy goes into a bar, sits down, has a few beers. After a while he calls the bartender over. "Hey bartender! I'll bet you fifty bucks I can bite my eye!"
The bartender has seen a lot of drunks try to do crazy stuff, so he takes the bet. The guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
The bartender is starting to get out his money when the guy says "Wait wait wait! I'll bet you a hundred bucks I can bite my other eye!" The bartender looks the guy up and down; he's pretty sure he doesn't have two glass eyes, so he takes the bet. And the guy takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. The bartender storms off, furious, and the guy collects his $150 and goes to sit at a table in the back.
He comes back 15 minutes later. "Bartender, I can tell you're upset. Tell you what. I'll bet you two hundred bucks that I can stand on a stool at this end of the bar, you take a pitcher down to the other end, and I can piss in that pitcher without getting a drop on the bar."
The bartender says "This I gotta see. You're on." So he goes down to the far end of the bar with a pitcher, and the guy stands up on a stool and proceeds to piss all over the bar.
The bartender comes back all happy, and collects his $200. "I knew I'd get you sooner or later!" he crows.
The guy replies, "Yeah, you got me, but I bet the people in the back five hundred bucks I'd piss on the bar and you'd smile!"
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This was pretty much my signature joke when I tended bar. Because a bartender HAS to know jokes.
A guy goes into a bar, sits down, has a few beers. After a while he calls the bartender over. "Hey bartender! I'll bet you fifty bucks I can bite my eye!"
The bartender has seen a lot of drunks try to do crazy stuff, so he takes the bet. The guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
The bartender is starting to get out his money when the guy says "Wait wait wait! I'll bet you a hundred bucks I can bite my other eye!" The bartender looks the guy up and down; he's pretty sure he doesn't have two glass eyes, so he takes the bet. And the guy takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. The bartender storms off, furious, and the guy collects his $150 and goes to sit at a table in the back.
He comes back 15 minutes later. "Bartender, I can tell you're upset. Tell you what. I'll bet you two hundred bucks that I can stand on a stool at this end of the bar, you take a pitcher down to the other end, and I can piss in that pitcher without getting a drop on the bar."
The bartender says "This I gotta see. You're on." So he goes down to the far end of the bar with a pitcher, and the guy stands up on a stool and proceeds to piss all over the bar.
The bartender comes back all happy, and collects his $200. "I knew I'd get you sooner or later!" he crows.
The guy replies, "Yeah, you got me, but I bet the people in the back five hundred bucks I'd piss on the bar and you'd smile!"
I might have to try this
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I recognize that as a variation of the joke Quentin Tarintino tells in Desperado. His delivery is pretty amusing, even if he is the world's biggest douchebag.
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On a related note, but not a joke:
I sat next to this guy at a local dive, he was talking about how he just got out of jail, DUI, blah blah. And then he asked if we wanted to see a party trick, and we said sure. So he pulls his glass eye out. I said "that's not a party trick," and he replies, "it is if I drop it in your beer."
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Car Talk lame joke of the week:
Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.
I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.
But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.
He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!
"What's going on here?"
"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.
"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"
I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"
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The oldest joke on record was found on shards of a Sumerian clay tablet. Pieced together, it is as follows:
"What is a thing that the world will never see? A newly wed wife, sitting on her husband's lap, does not fart."
Yeah, I don't get it either.
The oldest funny joke on record is from an Egyptian papyrus. There's actually a bunch of these but this is my favorite.
"A man wed a woman who had a blind eye. After six years of marriage, the man met a younger woman who was smitten with him, and he resolved to divorce his wife. He took his wife to a judge and said 'I wish to divorce this woman; she has a blind eye.' She responded with outrage: 'You say I have a bad eye? You're the one who took six years to notice your wife was half-blind!'"
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What's the difference between Sir Walter Raleigh and a mobile phone?
Sir Walter Raleigh was never found up Ashley Cole's arse
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I need a good joke about sex (or lack thereof) after marriage. It's for an article. Anybody got anything good?
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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. He's kind of puzzled looking at all the choices, and an older gentleman asks if he can help. "There's different package sizes, and I'm not sure how many to get," the young guy says.
The older guys says, "Here's a three-pack. That's for when you're dating: Friday, Saturday, Sunday."
"Next, you got your six-pack. That's for when you move in together: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday."
"And lastly, here's the twelve-pack. That's for after you get married: January, February, March..."
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Not a joke (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v238/txpete/t-dog.jpg) but it's what I'm laughing about right now.
That dog is not one to miss an opportunity.
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Necrophiliac interspeciality, nice!
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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. He's kind of puzzled looking at all the choices, and an older gentleman asks if he can help. "There's different package sizes, and I'm not sure how many to get," the young guy says.
The older guys says, "Here's a three-pack. That's for when you're dating: Friday, Saturday, Sunday."
"Next, you got your six-pack. That's for when you move in together: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday."
"And lastly, here's the twelve-pack. That's for after you get married: January, February, March..."
Perfect. Thank you.
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My favorite joke ever is the story of the Voodoo c*ck (http://www.kontraband.com/jokes/9370/Voodoo-c*ck/).
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My favorite joke ever is the story of the Voodoo c*ck (http://www.kontraband.com/jokes/9370/Voodoo-c*ck/).
Brilliant.
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I just heard this joke. Made me laugh.
Dog Story
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
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That reminds me...
I stupidly agreed to edit the newsletter for my dog obedience club. The hard part is getting anyone to agree to contribute, and in the next issue I plan to threaten that if people don't start stepping up, the newsletter is going to be full of pug pictures and bad jokes. I'd say this with more confidence if I had something to back up the threat with. So, anyone got more bad dog jokes?
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That reminds me...
I stupidly agreed to edit the newsletter for my dog obedience club. The hard part is getting anyone to agree to contribute, and in the next issue I plan to threaten that if people don't start stepping up, the newsletter is going to be full of pug pictures and bad jokes. I'd say this with more confidence if I had something to back up the threat with. So, anyone got more bad dog jokes?
These two rednecks are walking down the street when they see a dog. The dog (as dogs are wont to do) is engrossed in licking his testicles. The one redneck says to the other "I wish I could do that."
"You'd better pet him first," his friend replies.
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Actually, that joke made me laugh, so it is not bad enough.
Also, I think they need to be more family friendly... for now. I'll save that sort of stuff for the end of the year so they don't reappoint me for next year.
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What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he won't come anyway.
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Wrong! You call him Cigarette, because every day you take him out for a drag!
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I always thought the punchline was "Matt".
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I always thought the punchline was "Matt".
Matt was the boy with no arms or legs.
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Matt was the boy with no arms or legs.
Unless you:
Throw him in the ocean, then he's Bob;
Nail him to a wall, then he's Art;
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How about take the build up of known jokes and then give them terrible endings?
What did the dog breeder call her shitzu bulldog cross?
Nothing, no reputable breeder would waste their time and money on something like that.
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Unless you:
Throw him in the ocean, then he's Bob
I thought they threw him in the ocean because he wanted to get fucked. we'll he's fucked now.
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You know the guy with no arms and legs who sits in a hole?
That's Phil.
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Doesn't Phil have a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?
You know, Sparky?
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And then there's their friend Russell who lives under a pile of leaves.
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Barb who sits on the fence...
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Oh! Oh! My favorite joke!
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asked.
"Well,"said the bartender, "he always wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper chaps and brown paper boots."
"That's odd," said the cowboy, "but what are they hanging him for?"
The bartender looked the cowboy right in the eye and said, "Rustlin'."
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What did the dog breeder call her shitzu bulldog cross?
This reminds me. I went to the zoo the other day, but all they had there was one, single dog...
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A lot of my favorite jokes are the result of reading Wikipedia articles about Cold War Soviet Bloc humor.
The Commissar of East Berlin is a cheerful fellow. In the morning, he throws wide his window and says "Guten morgen, friend sun!" And the sun replies "Guten morgen, friend Commissar!" At lunchtime, he leans out the window, smiles at the bright noonday sky, and shouts "Guten tag, friend sun!" And the sun replies "Guten tag, friend Commissar!" After dinner, he goes to the window, looks at the setting sun, and whispers with a smile "Guten abend, friend sun." And the sun replies "You go fuck yourself, I'm in the West now."
Also: What's the difference between the Party government's space program and the Party government's owned grocery stores? The space program admits they're putting dogs in it.