The OFFICIAL Unofficial Achewood Message Board
Achewood => Achewood => Topic started by: foolio on August 04, 2005, 08:50:43 pm
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anyone like these even better than the strip?
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No. I think they're good, occasionally great - and certainly on an off-day can be better than the strip. But without accompanying graphic artistry, they're just fluff. Informative, humorous fluff, but fluff nonetheless.
He could probably spin off babystatus.com and do OK though. Sell pairs of pajamas with dogs winning prizes on them, like that.
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I cynically view that as a box you can look at that tells you why there is no update.
Other than that, it's not content, it's not usually especially funny and it's outside the blogs and comic so it doesn't add to the product.
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I like them. They are usually amusing and you can't deny that sometimes, the man writes a nice sentence.
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I dunno, I still get a chuckle over "The baby was kind to everyone."
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I like them. They are usually amusing and you can't deny that sometimes, the man writes a nice sentence.
Agreed. I actually enjoy the hell out of them. It's fun, seeing what is / was no doubt a complex scene or situation boiled down into a simple, formulaic declarative sentence (my all-time favorite: "The baby acted bad at the restaurant").
They're lagniappe. Just whatever flips your switch, I guess.
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Yeah, I like the feuilleton of baby quotes. I wish someone had been keeping track of them since their inception.
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They're lagniappe.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
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I wish someone had been keeping track of them since their inception.
My sentiments exactly. There's no archive so we'll have to start listing them here.*
~Paul
*We're not obsessive, oh no, not us.
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8/5: The gleeful preadolescent who sprinted toward the stroller with outstretched hand was clotheslined by his teacher.
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Do you know what I like?
Onstad's almost autistic observations and that it's not about the baby itself but what it's up to.
We're not smothered by info like names, hair colour etc
I appreciate the updates. They make me chuckle, sometimes even guffaw.
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I like how he doesn't treat the baby like a perfect precious angelic object of pure adoration. He is often annoyed by the baby and points out the baby's bad behaviour.
~Paul
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Yes, Onstad treats the child in a pure and objective way.
For some reason that's funny to me.
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I like the baby updates, but must echo the sentiment of acoxcae. I probably wouldn't seek them out without some kind of accompanying content.
Perhaps a graphic of dogs winning prizes.
What does the verb "clothesline" mean?
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I like the baby updates, but must echo the sentiment of acoxcae. I probably wouldn't seek them out without some kind of accompanying content.
Perhaps a graphic of dogs winning prizes.
What does the verb "clothesline" mean?
A stationary person sticks one arm straight out to his side so that a running person will impact said arm head/upper-torso first a drop backwards to the ground. If the attacker is also moving then it's called a lariat.
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What does the verb "clothesline" mean?
It's a football term. It's where you block someone by sticking out your arm and cutting them off at the neck.
~Paul
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What does the verb "clothesline" mean?
I like that we, as a community, just jumped all over this question. Good show, fellows.
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What does the verb "clothesline" mean?
A stationary person sticks one arm straight out to his side so that a running person will impact said arm head/upper-torso first a drop backwards to the ground. If the attacker is also moving then it's called a lariat.
i, i did not know that was the difference.
thank you.
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What does the verb "clothesline" mean?
A stationary person sticks one arm straight out to his side so that a running person will impact said arm head/upper-torso first a drop backwards to the ground. If the attacker is also moving then it's called a lariat.
i, i did not know that was the difference.
Don't worry, neither does Jim Ross. But it's not a hard and fast rule. Many people will only say it's a lariat if the attacker is running and I've heard some say for it to be a lariat the attacker must be airborn.
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...and I've heard some say for it to be a lariat the attacker must be airborn.
That's what I always thought. I defer to you on wrestling move nomenclature, though, especially since a busybody got our library's copy of PRO WRESTLING'S MOST PUNISHING FINISHING MOVES withdrawn from the system.
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...and I've heard some say for it to be a lariat the attacker must be airborn.
That's what I always thought. I defer to you on wrestling move nomenclature, though, especially since a busybody got our library's copy of PRO WRESTLING'S MOST PUNISHING FINISHING MOVES withdrawn from the system.
I've heard both rules and I'm honestly not sure which is correct. Matt Nute (http://www.411mania.com/wrestling/columns/article.php?columns_id=3173) (who really seems to know his stuff) confirms that victim hitting arm = clothesline and arm hitting victim = lariat. Thus the Clothesline from Hell is technically the Lariat from Hell. I would posit that the miscalling of this move has helped evolve the airborn definition that's becoming prevalent.
Oh, and if you've ever wondered about the difference between sentons, splashes, and Imploding Star Presses then read this (http://www.411mania.com/wrestling/columns/article.php?columns_id=3016).
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Many thanks for providing the definition of the verb "to clothesline."
I had never encountered that word before, but now I see the truth of it.
I owe each and every one of you, um, hang on...about 11 cents each. (I have to keep the one nickle.)
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Oh, and if you've ever wondered about the difference between sentons, splashes, and Imploding Star Presses then read this (http://www.411mania.com/wrestling/columns/article.php?columns_id=3016).
If you imploded before you did the move, would you deal less damage to your opponent due to lack of mass?
This is an awesome link, by the way.
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Oh, and if you've ever wondered about the difference between sentons, splashes, and Imploding Star Presses then read this (http://www.411mania.com/wrestling/columns/article.php?columns_id=3016).
If you imploded before you did the move, would you deal less damage to your opponent due to lack of mass?
This is an awesome link, by the way.
I'm a little hazy here, but would an imploding star create a black hole? Because that would do a lot of damage. Just look at the Black Hole Slam (http://www.tnapics.com/gallery/displayimage.php?album=51&pos=33)
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I'm a little hazy here, but would an imploding star create a black hole? Because that would do a lot of damage. Just look at the Black Hole Slam (http://www.tnapics.com/gallery/displayimage.php?album=51&pos=33)
I haven't been to Denny's since they stopped serving the Alabama Slam.
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8/8: The baby did all the right things and was popular at the party.
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We drove the baby through the office park where I used to work and while she slept I got pissed at the memories.
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I haven't been to Denny's since they stopped serving the Alabama Slam.
What's the Alabama Slam? You eat a beer batter pancake and then fuck your sister?
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What's the Alabama Slam? You eat a beer batter pancake and then fuck your sister?
ZING!
Edited to fix quotes from "I've been using Oracle all morning (')" to "normal style(")."
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I have a silly question. Does anyone know what the baby's name is?
I have seen no other nomenclature other than "the baby" (except for Llewellyn Ash).
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I have a silly question. Does anyone know what the baby's name is?
I have seen no other nomenclature other than "the baby" (except for Llewellyn Ash).
As far as I am aware the baby's name has not been revealed. As the baby is female, I severely doubt her name is Llewellyn Ash, but who knows.
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Do we really need to know this? I wouldn't put that kind of info out there if I were any level of "celebrity" either.
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Do we need to know this? No. I was just curious. I wasn't planning on being a stalker or tatooing the baby's name on my forehead. In fact, I wasn't planning anything. Just wondering if anyone knew.
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Current baby status, 8/14: It was the baby's five-month birthday, so she was given a green chair.
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Current baby status, 8/15: The baby was furious when a ruined piece of paper was taken from her.
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Current baby status, 8/17: If a baby does not look ready to feature on a line of hip greeting cards, put little sunglasses on that baby.
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Is there a better way to do this than a sticky thread? Maybe in the Wiki?
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If you are talking about archiving that sounds good but just for general discussion I don't think the wiki is really the place for it is it? Why not treat it like the blogs, each thread lasts a month or something.
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I think AD just nominated himself to add a new Wiki page...
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If you are talking about archiving that sounds good but just for general discussion I don't think the wiki is really the place for it is it? Why not treat it like the blogs, each thread lasts a month or something.
One reason I suggested it is that there is no discussion to speak of, just a daily posting of the otherwise lost nugget of Onstadness. Also, the thread began in large part due to the fact that this particular bit of content is gone forever once a new one is posted.
I don't care either way; I am completely neutral about the baby updates and if I could click on ignore and not see the baby thread I probably would since it just repeats them.
As for a Wiki page - as an exercise in learning a new thing I may give it a try but I probably won't be updating it with the new updates.
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Current baby status, 8/18: The baby is dressed like Roddy Radiation today, complete with tiny shiny white shoes and Bing Crosby hat.
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This update has me more psyched than when Onstad said he liked the Cromags in his blog. Tiny Specials, anyone? No? No takers? That is for the best.
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8/23: Today I showed the baby how to polish off a tasty corned beef on rye.
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8/23: Today I showed the baby how to polish off a tasty corned beef on rye.
If that sandwich was made proper, it should have been bigger than the baby's head, so teaching him to tackle it might have been quite the feat.
Go Onstad!
Corned beef on rye is a damned sight better than any strained peas or whatever I ever had. Especially with dijon mustard. Mmm...
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I think "showed" means Onstad ate a sandwich in front his baby, not that he "taught" her to eat one.
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Current baby status, 8/25: Today the baby and I tricked a shop clerk and ran off into the fields with purloined horehound.
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achewood, horehound, this guy knows some weird substances.
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Onstad wrote:
Current Baby Status, 8/30: Still no conscience.
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Onstad wrote:Current Baby Status, 8/30: Still no conscience.
How do you think the big O finds that one out? Did the baby just do something bad to him or does he do a weekly test where he gets it to kill a kitten or something.
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Onstad wrote:Current Baby Status, 8/30: Still no conscience.
How do you think the big O finds that one out? Did the baby just do something bad to him or does he do a weekly test where he gets it to kill a kitten or something.
The Bourne Infancy
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Baby just killed someone again and laughed about it.
That fuck*ng guy.
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Current baby status, 8/31: Wore a pink hat and slapped the side of the dog's head
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8/23: Today I showed the baby how to polish off a tasty corned beef on rye.
If that sandwich was made proper, it should have been bigger than the baby's head, so teaching him to tackle it might have been quite the feat.
Go Onstad!
Corned beef on rye is a damned sight better than any strained peas or whatever I ever had. Especially with dijon mustard. Mmm...
side note: I read yesterday that John Lennon's last meal before being murdered was a Corned Beef Sandwich.
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Current baby status, 8/31: Wore a pink hat and slapped the side of the dog's head
I guess Onstad has turned the writing of these updates over to The Baby. Perhaps The Baby will start doing the ALT texts too.
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Perhaps The Baby will start doing the ALT texts too.
ALT: Daddy could not bring the funny today. We return Friday, because an Iron Chef marathon is on all day tomorrow.
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Current baby status, 9/1: Tonight we got calzones and in hers the baby got “Lactoni! The Semisoft Breast Milk Pepperoni Alternative For Kids” (charged as 293 toppings)
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On a side note, has anyone ever tasted breast milk? Is it good? I must have had some when I was a baby but I forget what it tastes like.
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Perhaps The Baby will start doing the ALT texts too.
ALT: Daddy could not bring the funny today. We return Friday, because an Iron Chef marathon is on all day tomorrow.
To be fair, if there was an Iron Chef marathon tomorrow, I'd say "fuck off" to work too.
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On a side note, has anyone ever tasted breast milk? Is it good? I must have had some when I was a baby but I forget what it tastes like.
Yes. If processed cow milk is your standard for 'good' than it's not good. It's got a strong flavor, kind of like goats milk.
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Current baby status, 9/1: Tonight...the baby got “Lactoni! The Semisoft Breast Milk Pepperoni Alternative For Kids”
If not for that "For Kids" bit, this would sound like something Pat would eat.
It is certainly in the running for my definition of "rather repugnant."
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On a side note, has anyone ever tasted breast milk? Is it good? I must have had some when I was a baby but I forget what it tastes like.
It's waaaaay sweeter than cow's milk. I've heard it compared to cantaloupe juice. The little ones seem to like it. :boobies:
You have no idea how long I have been waiting for a reason to use that emoticon. My god, that even looks like my haircut.
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Maybe the colostrum is like that - I don't think the milk is. Maybe yours tastes like cantaloupe juice?
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Maybe the colostrum is like that - I don't think the milk is. Maybe yours tastes like cantaloupe juice?
i am not even going to ask how you no so much about this issue, the possible consequences are not pleasant i don't think.
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Get real.
I'm an involved husband and dad of two.
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Speaking as a person with several ounces of breast milk in her fridge, I can say with authority that it is very sweet. The closest thing I can think of is that it tastes like the milk that is left after you eat all your cereal. It is also not homogenized, so you have to swirl it before you give it to the baby, or else all the cream stays in the bottle. And my friend swears you can make butter out of it. (I haven't tried.)
As for the canteloupe juice, I don't think they taste similar, but my son loves canteloupe, so maybe there's a connection. I don't think it has a strong flavor, either -- nothing like goat's milk, anyway -- but then again, I understand it gets richer and less sweet the older the baby gets, and it's been quite some time since I personally have tasted any.
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I was about to say, yeah, AD is a husband and a father. While the precise circumstances are maybe a little TMI, I think his generally possessing this knowledge is understandable.
Anyway, wasn't this thread about Onstad's baby updates?
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On a side note, has anyone ever tasted breast milk? Is it good? I must have had some when I was a baby but I forget what it tastes like.
It is very sweet. The flavor is very much influenced by the mother's diet. The color, too.
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Current baby status, 9/7: The baby is one week shy of being halfway done with being a baby.
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When is a baby done with being a baby?
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I would guess, judging from the relevant dates, at one year old. Thereafter I presume it's a toddler?
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When is a baby done with being a baby?
Is this one of those "how is a raven like a writing desk" things?
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I would guess, judging from the relevant dates, at one year old. Thereafter I presume it's a toddler?
It could be a walking thing, but that happens at different times for different kids.
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Onstad is already planning on what he'll do with the baby's room once it's left home.
~Paul
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Current baby status, 9/9: The baby looked on as the local nutty old lady who wears only a long white t-shirt and flip-flops nearly got killed while wandering across a busy street.
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Bad things just keep happening in proximity to baby. Ominous.
Current baby status 9/27: The baby laughed as I snagged my coin purse with my zipper.
Current baby status 10/1: We came back to find the dog half eaten and the baby watching the People's Court.
Current baby status 10/30: Special delivery from the grocer? 10 pints of goats blood requiring the babies' signature.
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Current baby status 11/1: It's all for you, the baby.
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9/12: Picture of Baby
This is a gutsy move for Onstad, given his typical level of paranoia. Maybe he just used a stock photograph of a baby to get the general idea across.
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9/12: Picture of Baby
This is a gutsy move for Onstad, given his typical level of paranoia. Maybe he just used a stock photograph of a baby to get the general idea across.
Infants are pretty much interchangable, so maybe he just reckoned that no one from the internet will be able to track this particular one down in a crowd based on that little photo.
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--
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you know he thought those glasses so classic that a man can't refuse a baby a cameo.
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Those are pretty classic glasses. Also, a cute baby.
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(http://www.zohaforpresident2024.com/achebaby.jpg)
(http://photo.sing365.com/music/picture.nsf/Elton-John-photo/48256C71003578A24825687600221B20/$file/eltonjohn.jpg)
Coincidence or conspiracy? You tell me.
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(http://www.zohaforpresident2024.com/achebaby.jpg)
(http://photo.sing365.com/music/picture.nsf/Elton-John-photo/48256C71003578A24825687600221B20/$file/eltonjohn.jpg)
Coincidence or conspiracy? You tell me.
Good Lord he's right!!!
~Paul
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Current baby status, 9/16: The waitress who said "hi" to the baby sixteen different squealy ways did not, in the end, curry favor with anyone at the table.
Is Onstad a dick or does he just play one on the internet?
~Paul
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Current baby status, 9/16: The waitress who said "hi" to the baby sixteen different squealy ways did not, in the end, curry favor with anyone at the table.
Is Onstad a dick or does he just play one on the internet?
while i do not have children yet, the plan calls for children before my untimely death at age 105 (all hail the plan), and as such i can easily imagine myself getting riled up at a situation similar to that.
"here's your tip, 'sweetie': my baby, while infantile, is not retarded."
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Current baby status, 9/16: The waitress who said "hi" to the baby sixteen different squealy ways did not, in the end, curry favor with anyone at the table.
Is Onstad a dick or does he just play one on the internet?
~Paul
Can't it be both?
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We pretty much just let people be. The only thing that gets to me is total strangers who insist on touching the baby.
If someone wants to act stupid around the kid, I just let them. It's fairly harmless and it takes a little more than that to get me riled up. Also, the 'professionalism' of the waitstaff is a lot of times linked to the level of dining you are experiencing. I don't expect a lot from a waitress at, say, Friendly's or Sizzler so if they go all gaga-retarded over the baby (which they do with ours because she was born smiling and hasn't stopped yet). (We have many friends, some who have even babysat, who have never heard her cry) we can pretty much chalk it up to the fact that this person is willing to work in a place such as this in the first place.
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I interpret the waitress behavior as being friendly. Anyone that takes offense to that is a dick.
~Paul
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To-day we donned our frock coats and merkins and fed the baby a thin gruel.
Don't be Renfest, Mr. and Mrs. Onstad!
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Onstad wears a merkin? Ew.
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Current baby status, 9/22: At the Millbrae Pancake House the baby threw her foam "#8" bath toy onto the floor. The waitress with the thick Jersey accent and wet hair had a slug-shaped bruise on her tricep area.
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Current baby status, 9/23: The baby was enormously displeased with our a cappella bathtime rendition of "Particle Man."
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This is quite a coincidence. My baby was enormously pleased with my a cappella bathtime rendition of "Particle Man" last night.
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Perhaps you have better pipes than O.
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Or possibly your baby has better taste in music.
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I sang "Fibber Island" and "Violin" during bathtime last night. I tried to do "The House at the Top of the Tree," but I don't know it well enough.
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I sang "Fibber Island" and "Violin" during bathtime last night. I tried to do "The House at the Top of the Tree," but I don't know it well enough.
Nice choices. I would recommend "Four of Two," but I also plan on having children who react to the phrase "gigantic metal bugs" with as much enthusiasm as I do.
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Current baby status, 9/24: The baby wore a helmet of suds during the bathtime rendition of "Birdhouse In Your Soul."
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A far superior choice to particle man, if I do say so myself. Though this TMBG thing with Onstad makes me a little uneasy altogether.
Still, my parents sung me 'Stay Up Late' by the Talking Heads when I was a baby, and I would assume David Byrne was capable of imparting far greater weirdness on my malleable skull than TMBG, so ok.
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Still, my parents sung me 'Stay Up Late' by the Talking Heads when I was a baby, and I would assume David Byrne was capable of imparting far greater weirdness on my malleable skull than TMBG, so ok.
Good God, do you think the entire Cartilage Head thing was inspired by an accidental finger-caused deformation of the Baby's soft spot?
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As I recall such an idea has already been suggested on these boards in one of the cartilage threads, though I think it was more along the lines of Onstad simply having the idea on his mind, rather than actually mutilating his own child.
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Current baby status, 9/25: The baby killed a man in Reno.
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Current baby status, 9/25: The baby killed a man in Reno.
Just to watch him die...
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As I recall such an idea has already been suggested on these boards in one of the cartilage threads, though I think it was more along the lines of Onstad simply having the idea on his mind, rather than actually mutilating his own child.
It's not mutilation per se. You're playing with the baby. The soft spot kind of goes out of shape when you're holding it. You freak out, the spot pops back into place. Whew! It's only mutilation, when, as in the Flathead indians, they strap things to the baby's head to shape it strangely.
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Though the Flathead Indians never practiced skull mutilation: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flathead_Indians
I do this not out of the pleasure of correcting someone anonymously, but because this board must continue to be about education, and I want to do my small part.
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Current baby status, 9/26: Like a person with a metal plate in their head, the baby is mad at her own teeth.
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Though the Flathead Indians never practiced skull mutilation: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flathead_Indians
I do this not out of the pleasure of correcting someone anonymously, but because this board must continue to be about education, and I want to do my small part.
I stand corrected. I am, however, happy to know someone mutilated their baby:
The Flatheads, as Lewis and Clark called them, prefer to be called Salish. Ironically, the tribe Lewis and Clark called the Flatheads never practiced the custom of flattening the skull of their children, while some of the Columbia River tribes did. The common explanation of the English name is that the Salish were considered flat-headed by the tribes of the Columbia who considered their own purposely deformed skulls to be pointed. Supposedly in the nineteenth century these mountain "Flatheads" became confused by Anglos with those who did practice skull deformation.
-- from http://www.nps.gov/jeff/LewisClark2/TheJourney/NativeAmericans/Salish.htm
Thus, we need to find the names of these Columbia River tribes. LAZYWEB, GET TO IT.
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Current baby status, 9/28: The wireless baby monitor is on the same frequency as my wireless keyboard and so [sound of small fuzzy worm playing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star]
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I like this latest baby status a lot. At first I thought it was simply cheesy, but then I thought about the statement as if Chris was thinking about his baby so much, and that she is the most important thing in his life to the extent that the sound of the baby monitor (lit. the baby's status) is interfering with his thoughts (which travel through his keyboard, his keyboard acting as the conduit for his thoughts) so his keyboard is literally on the same frequency as the baby monitor.
Or maybe I'm just being really really sappy. Your call.
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Mission Accomplished! (Starting the most popular thread ever on this messageboard)
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NOW YOU CAN DIE HAPPY
Also, wasn't this spawned from another thread? Isn't it V-Adore or a mod who really started this thread?
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I think it was split from the daily strips. Also I dispute the idea that this is the most popular thread....take away all the posts that are the daily update from Onstad and count how many posts.
Of course, I'm bitter because I basically think that the baby updates are not value added to Achewood.
That's my way of saying boo to that.
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But how else would you know of the inanities of Onstad's daughter's life?
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You could just make them up. That's pretty much what Onstad is doing much of the time.
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The baby updates make me sing Faith No More's Zombie Eaters.
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Current baby status, 10/01: The little baby watched an old woman with a cane hobble by while Simon and Garfunkel music seemed to make a point that none could ignore
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Current baby status, 10/03: The baby was proud of herself due to a cute accomplishment.
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Current baby status, 10/04: The baby slept for over seven minutes in a row, but in the end we paid the price for such a lavish respite
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Current baby status, 10/09: The baby went to a wedding where a spiritual man with body odor played enormous Paiste gongs for a long time before anyone was allowed to eat.
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Current baby status, 10/12: Another enormous plastic containment / entertainment device was purchased for the purpose of quelling baby's tears for an additional six minutes each day.
An ominous trend begins.
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Current baby status, 10/12: Another enormous plastic containment / entertainment device was purchased for the purpose of quelling baby's tears for an additional six minutes each day.
An ominous trend begins.
Ah, expensive child neglect devices. The secret is, they only work if your baby is already accustomed to being ignored.
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Current baby status, 10/12: Another enormous plastic containment / entertainment device was purchased for the purpose of quelling baby's tears for an additional six minutes each day.
An ominous trend begins.
Ah, expensive child neglect devices. The secret is, they only work if your baby is already accustomed to being ignored.
I'm excellent at ignoring babies and small children. Apparently I need to teach this skill to others for the good of our economy. Also, sanity.
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Current baby status, 10/17: Babies are like little vampires, except all they want is to eat and know that they are safe.
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Current baby status, 10/21: I didn't see much of the baby today, because she squeezed my eyeballs until they popped. She is seven months!
That's a shame. :(
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Current baby status, 10/21: I didn't see much of the baby today, because she squeezed my eyeballs until they popped. She is seven months!
That's a shame. :(
I hope you mean the eyeball part. The seven months part should be okay.
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Current baby status, 10/21: I didn't see much of the baby today, because she squeezed my eyeballs until they popped. She is seven months!
That's a shame. :(
I hope you mean the eyeball part. The seven months part should be okay.
Ha, I was expecting them to have sold her by now.
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Current baby status, 10/22: Today the baby said "ambo," which is not a real word, so I gave her a gently reproachful look.
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I also remember particularly enjoying the Baby Update where he said
"Today we donned our merkins and frock-coats and fed the baby a thin gruel."
That was a pretty good one. Did someone already mention it?
Also, an ambo, (plural ambos, ambones) is an oblong pulpit with steps at either end.
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That was a pretty good one. Did someone already mention it?
Yes. In this very thread. Which you would have known if you'd bothered to read the entire thing before posting.
You're not exactly covering yourself with glory here on TOUAMB, Kai. Either wise up or, as Ray would no doubt put it, step aside and quit being a douche.
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Kai gets a few points for defining Ambo, though.
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Current baby status, 10/24: Tonight the baby yelled so much that we skipped the bath and went directly to the yelling.
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Current baby status, 10/27: Today the baby practiced watching me eat ratatouille. Much room for improvement.
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Current baby status, 10/28: Today we had the big "drug talk" that every parent dreads. Thankfully, she agreed not to pass judgment on my lifestyle.
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Current baby status, 10/30: The baby ate her first french fry at Frytz today! Or, at least, a mashed-up bit from the eviscerated interior of a french fry. She was confused, but fed.
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Current baby status, 11/01: She had a sneeze in her nose.
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Current baby status, 11/04: The only song the baby will fall asleep to is Magazine's "Don Quixote," which has put a great strain on our family.
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Current baby status, 11/05: She ate guacamole today, something I didn't do until I was about 19.
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Current baby status, 11/08: The baby's little Parkour routine consisted of pulling herself up to the crib rail and then needing a hug.
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aww!
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Current baby status, 11/11: The baby is throwing an empty can of Hansen's at the keyboard so this baby update will be short.
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Current baby status, 11/14: The baby turned eight months old at 9:41am today while we were walking past the weird pizza restaurant that went out of business after only one week.
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So now we have the date and time of birth of his child.
Onstad obviously didn't learn from the dog incident.
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Oh people, please don't use Northern California public records to trace down the name of the Onstad Girl Child. Leave the man's family alone for the sake of fuck.
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Calm blue ocean Jough, I'm not even in the same country so rest assured it was merely a humourous observation (at least I thought so).
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Oh people, please don't use Northern California public records to trace down the name of the Onstad Girl Child. Leave the man's family alone for the sake of fuck.
Today in my rape defense class a girl said her dad made an exampple to her of how easy it is to get personal records with little effort. He targeted his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend and proceeded to call the proper governement establishment and claimed to be said ex and that he'd lost his birth certificate. He bought a new copy and took that to get a new social security card, and then took that and made a driver's liscense. The only thing I thought: Wow! I can make my OWN fake ID!
edit: then my instructor (yeah, his name's Bubba, and yeah, his pot belly defies gravity) said "you can just go on down to the cemetery and pick yourself out some baby that was born same year as you and use that name! Do the same thing!" Thanks, Bubba.
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Current baby status, 11/16: Wensleydale The Sleep Sheep choked at bedtime, but in a clutch, Constantine The Small Sock I Brought In From The Living Room did a fine job of guiding her into the kingdom if seven-minute dreams.
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Current baby status, 11/16: Wensleydale The Sleep Sheep choked at bedtime, but in a clutch, Constantine The Small Sock I Brought In From The Living Room did a fine job of guiding her into the kingdom of seven-minute dreams.
Re-posted since Onstad corrected the "if" to "of" and that almost makes it a brand new entry.
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Thank you Null. I think you've earned the right to be the official current baby status watchdog.
~Paul
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Current baby status, 11/21: The baby did not know why I was mad (it was because the dog threw up on the bed).
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Current baby status, 11/22: The baby can now go from lying on her stomach to standing on our bladders with almost no assistance.
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Current baby status, 11/23: A tiny bowl of cinnamon-apple oat-mush was upended onto the dog's head in a comical fashion, yet Shoebox Greetings failed to design a greeting card around the resulting imagery.
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Current baby status, 11/24: The baby laughed so much that she got scared and cried.
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Current baby status, 11/24: The baby laughed so much that she got scared and cried.
I wish I remembered what this felt like. I imagine that today, were I to be extremely happy for more than, oh, an hour, I too would get confused and cry.
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Current baby status, 11/24: The baby laughed so much that she got scared and cried.
That is the saddest thing.
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Current baby status, 11/28: Scientific test: if Emeril Lagasse is on the TV, a baby will crawl any direction but at Emeril.
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Current baby status, 11/28: Scientific test: if Emeril Lagasse is on the TV, a baby will crawl any direction but at Emeril.
Babies are wise. Emeril is scary, and they can sense that.
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This reminds me of when I was coming down from a trip and decided it would be a fun idea to feed some shrooms to my 98 pound roomate. During a night of a)becoming a bug, b)seeing a spiky horned green lizard multiple places c)discovering that I was actually both a supermodel and Buddah d)singing into the hallway to "make the forest grow in the bedroom" e)hold her breath till she turned blue so that the room would stop breathing f)screaming at the kithen floor because it was made of water and she was walking on it, g)when asked how old she was respoding "five" and giggling and h)generally freaking out and looking like she was going through hell (though later she assured me that she was having the most fun she'd had since she was a little kid), she spent a serious amount of time avoiding the TV, where the merely drunk people had put on Eddie Izzard for entertainment. She was extremely scared of him and when we laughed at his jokes she would yell that he was "NOT FUNNY" and "SCARING ME!" When asked why, she finally ventured to the screen and without touching it pointed out that "his EYES are NOT part of his FACE, and his face is NOT part of his BODY!"
That is what this reminds me of.
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a story that is hilarious because it all ends up well in the end
This is the best thing. Thank you for this.
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Current baby status, 12/04: 11AM: The baby, while on her way to a friend's baby shower, saw a killed motorcyclist gushing blood out of his head on the side of highway 280, just south of San Francisco, before 19th Street. There is no appropriate followup sentence.
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Current baby status, 12/04: A professional musician sang customized Elvis songs to the baby while she took a bath.
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Current baby status, 12/06: The baby is in the other room getting aggro with something called a "Giggle Ball."
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Current baby status, 12/08: The baby did not care that the walrus was Paul.
Fitting that this is the 25th anniversary of John's death.
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Current baby status, 12/08: The baby did not care that the walrus was Paul.
Goo goo g'joob.
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Coo coo kachoo, motherfucker.
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Yoo sho' 'bout dat? My Magical Mystery Tour CD is missing, but I would bet a crisp dollar bill the liner notes read "Goo goo g'joob,' like Hobot said. At any rate, that's always the way I say it.
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Yoo sho' 'bout dat? My Magical Mystery Tour CD is missing, but I would bet a crisp dollar bill the liner notes read "Goo goo g'joob,' like Hobot said. At any rate, that's always the way I say it.
Goo goo g'joob (http://www.stevesbeatles.com/songs/i_am_the_walrus.asp)
~Paul
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Current baby status, 12/09: I wish I'd worked things out such that I could just sit around and read Pat The Bunny with no ##### on.
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Current baby status, 12/11: The baby got earth-friendly diapers that can be flushed. You stir them around in the bowl with this little plastic saber to help them dissolve. This update is factual.
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Current baby status, 12/09: I wish I'd worked things out such that I could just sit around and read Pat The Bunny with no ****** on.
have you ever actually read pat the bunny? that is some pornographic rapist shit.
mommy puts her finger through her ring.
now YOU put your finger through mommy's ring.
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i LOVE that book.
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have you ever actually read pat the bunny? that is some pornographic rapist shit.
mommy puts her finger through her ring.
now YOU put your finger through mommy's ring.
Yeah, and those fuck*ng flowers are sneeze-inducing.
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i LOVE that book.
over thanksgiving, which this year was remarkably baby-centric due to the proliferation of Small People in my family, a number of my cousins and i were sitting in the living room when i came across pat the bunny and started cracking up ("Daddy feels his scratchy beard. Now YOU feel Daddy's scratchy beard."). Within minutes the whole room was basically in hysterics. As if on cue, my mother and another of my aunts wandered by and asked, "what's so funny?"
in the whole of my family's history, i don't think a more pained silence has ever followed. seriously. it was amazing.
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Current baby status, 12/14: We have grand plans to make our own zweiback out of wheatless bread. Meanwhile, on the moon, Richard Branson drinks an 1817 Ardbeg out of Uma Thurman's cupped hands.
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Current baby status, 12/18: The baby crawled three crawls and then dispensed with the activity altogether.
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Current baby status, 12/19: The baby hates Santa Claus, hates him to hell
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Our 10 month-old did great with Santa. It's about good parenting, Chris. Good parenting.
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Current baby status, 12/21: The baby does real action in the diaper now, not just that cute stuff like you get with McNuggets
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Current baby status, 12/25: The baby literally got her two front teeth for Christmas — hell of creepy
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Current baby status, 12/29: The baby's band, "Tiny Baby and the Practice People," released their first U.S. single: There Is Nothing In My Diaper But My Butt.
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They certainly are content. I would argue that they contain more content then your average strip.
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Current baby status, 1/4: The baby's band, "Tiny Baby and the Practice People," released their second U.S. single: Oh No, Yeah Yeah, Can't Digest Peas.
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Current baby status, 1/5: The baby's band, "Tiny Baby and the Practice People," released their third U.S. single: Fell Over And Hit My Head On Ruth Reichl's New Book Blues.
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Current baby status, 1/9: The baby had a doctor visit, to help a sad doctor be happy and laugh again.
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Current baby status, 1/11: The baby starred in the sequel, "Cute Baby II: The Cute Baby Is At My House."
Did we miss when the baby starred in Cute Baby I?
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Current baby status, 1/16: The baby played with my teeth for a while, then slapped me on the face.
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Current baby status, 1/18: She tossed a sock out of her stroller on the morning walk, so we took a car trip to locate it (it was on Rockabilly Row, behind the '58 Imperial)
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Current baby status, 1/19: The baby met a different baby named Henry and we had Chinese food with his parents. I had a cocktail with an egg white in it. The texture of the beverage was entirely remarkable.
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Current baby status, 1/20: The feverish baby napped on my chest while a snowy, black-and-white Mario Batali silently poached a rare sausage on TV.
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It is too bad the baby is feverish. I hope she is not feverish soon. That can sometimes be bad.
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Current baby status, 1/22: Having a baby makes it extremely not fun to watch Law & Order episodes about babies being abandoned in dumpsters.
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Current baby status, 1/22: Having a baby makes it extremely not fun to watch Law & Order episodes about babies being abandoned in dumpsters.
Jesus, this is true.
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But it was a damn good episode. Plus, I kind-of-sort-of know the girl who starred in it (Schuyler Fisk).
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Schuyler Fisk
Tell her that she owes me $8 for "Orange County." Actually, its awfulness wasn't entirely her fault. So make it $2.50 and we'll call it even.
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Current baby status, 1/25: The baby is starting to look more like me. I slipped her a dollar.
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Current baby status, 1/28: Dave Barry got to meet the baby today, at his book signing in Palo Alto. I am not making this up: he said she was cute.
This is my 200th post. I am happy to report I have put meaning and relevance into none of them, but drunkeness into quite a few.
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Current baby status, 1/28: Dave Barry got to meet the baby today, at his book signing in Palo Alto. I am not making this up: he said she was cute.
This is my 200th post. I am happy to report I have put meaning and relevance into none of them, but drunkeness into quite a few.
Good on you for that Null. You don't get a tiny can, but good on you anyway.
~Paul
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I give whoever updates the baby update thread first a tiny can, every day.
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Current baby status, 1/31: At bathtime, we combed the baby's hair so that she looked like a young Joseph Cotten.
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Joseph Cotten, ladies and gentlemen.
http://themave.com/Cotten/ (http://themave.com/Cotten/)
*edited because I am a dum-dum who cannot type a link right.
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I give whoever updates the baby update thread first a tiny can, every day.
Is this how I have cans of Dr. Pepper?
Oh man. I feel like a hooker now. Granted, I could never be anything less than a hooker with a heart of gold, but still...a hooker.
And I have no idea what I should charge for services. The internet is failing me! I guess it should get in line!
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Current baby status, 2/2: The baby had her first sushi tonight! Part of sushi, anyway. Well, a couple bits of sticky rice. Actually, she threw the rice on the floor. Wait, no — the rice landed on the dog. Now it looks like the dog has "maggots."
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when i eat/see rice and think of maggots even a little bit, i nearly vomit. even a tiniest bit.
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when i eat/see rice and think of maggots even a little bit, i nearly vomit. even a tiniest bit.
Be sure to avoid the movie "The Lost Boys," then.
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Beatrice, so good to see you.
~Paul
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Current baby status, 2/6: God gives babies mullets, but I take them away.
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A girl in my Psych class has a mullet. Whether or not it is an intentional mullet does not change the fact that it haunts me.
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A girl in my Psych class has a mullet. Whether or not it is an intentional mullet does not change the fact that it haunts me.
Only by embracing the mullet can you attain enlightment. Love the mullet. Follow the mullet. BE the mullet.
But beware the sinister attractions of the skullet for down that path lies only darkness and pain.
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Current baby status, 2/8: I didn't see the baby much today. We had different tasks.
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Yeah, Chris had drinking to do, and the baby had to clean out the grease traps in the outdoor deep fryer.
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Current baby status, 2/12: The baby ate so much tortellini at dinner that I at first became proud, then concerned, then nervous and tense
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Current baby status, 2/12: The baby ate so much tortellini at dinner that I at first became proud, then concerned, then nervous and tense
It's like Stages of Death and Dying, only Stages of Watching The Baby Eat Tortellini.
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First baby update that I've liked in a while.
I wonder how much tortellini the baby actually ate??? I guess it must be growing. Babies grow mad fast the first few months, right?
It's cool to see that Onstad again lives up to the expectation that he will cook Italian foods. Plus he feeds them to his baby, all priming the kid for future Italian eating.
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Current baby status, 2/17: We left the baby to her own devices this afternoon (puffy book and small, plastic Noah's ark)
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Current baby status, 2/19: You might think that a ninja is amazing, and has incredible physical abilities, but I bet even ninjas can't get ##### or diapers onto their babies once they learn to crawl.
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A ninja baby would be cool to have.
Cool and dangerous.
all vanishing in a cloud of smoke whenever I try to give him/her a bath
all throwing shurikens at people from her/his little trolley when we go for walksies
all silent and deadly-like, garroting little stuffed animals
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Current baby status, 2/23: The baby got intelligence and now she won't sleep.
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Thank you, Tangle, for picking up the slack on the Baby Updates, since Null has brought BANNATION upon himself.
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Thank you, Tangle, for picking up the slack on the Baby Updates, since Null has brought BANNATION upon himself.
Glad to be of service. But what happened there? I tried perusing the person in question's latest posts but discovered no clues therein.
Or if it is something better left unspoken, I apologize for being nosy.
I'm afraid I have had alcohol and some beers
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Current baby status, 2/23: The baby got intelligence and now she won't sleep.
I am an idea. You held me for second, and It was gone. I attempted to comfort You, but You were too busy to harbor Me.
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Man, how'd Null eat himself the banstick? All I recall him ever doing was posting baby updates, and that was a downright Public Service.
Anyway, Tangle, thank you for stepping in. I enjoy viewing your delightful avatar.
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He signed up with a second account and started harrassing people.
Yeah, I don't get it either.
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He signed up with a second account and started harrassing people.
Yeah, I don't get it either.
Bizarre!
Anyone want to step in and start providing this valuable public service? Seriously, I will think well of you, because I'll inevitably forget and/or forget to read the Baby Updates anyway.
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Bizarre!
Anyone want to step in and start providing this valuable public service? Seriously, I will think well of you, because I'll inevitably forget and/or forget to read the Baby Updates anyway.
I don't mind posting the Baby Updates here. Just please don't beat me with wooden mallets if I sometimes forget. I'll do my damnedest to remember, though.
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I don't mind posting the Baby Updates here. Just please don't beat me with wooden mallets if I sometimes forget. I'll do my damnedest to remember, though.
Thanks, man. And there will be no wooden-mallet-beating from me, although of course I don't speak for Jough.
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Current baby status, 2/26: The old Jump Out Of The Bathroom With Shaving Cream On trick did not help the baby to think that she had a good dad.
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Thanks, man. And there will be no wooden-mallet-beating from me, although of course I don't speak for Jough.
Nah, I'm a real carrot instead of stick kinda guy. I bestow TCoDPs on those who post the baby update.
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Current baby status, 2/26: The old Jump Out Of The Bathroom With Shaving Cream On trick did not help the baby to think that she had a good dad.
I do not like this because I always think of Onstad as unshaven.
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yeah... unshaven... and kind of fat.
does anyone else think he's probably a big guy?
(I was just making a joke. I'm sorry.)
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yeah... unshaven... and kind of fat.
does anyone else think he's probably a big guy?
(I was just making a joke. I'm sorry.)
He obviously has a paunch of Ray-esque proportions and I want to do maximum cuddles with him!
I thought Kai was kind of cute really. Confused sexuality and all.
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He obviously has a paunch of Ray-esque proportions and I want to do maximum cuddles with him!
I think "paunch" is a fun word.
Paunch paunch paunch.
PAUNCH.
EDIT: I will be away from teh intar webs for a couple days, so if there is a baby update and I don't post it here, please don't stir fry me in a wok.
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Another dimension, new galaxy.
Intergalactic planetary!
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Current baby status, 3/1: The baby is so cute, Bobby Flay actually stepped out of the TV screen and played with her—until he noticed that his mango-dusted quail confit empanadas were burning.
Umm, okay.
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Oh, that Bobby Flay. Did he leap up onto a cutting board in order to play with the cute baby? Did he?
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Another dimension, new galaxy.
Intergalactic planetary!
Looks like you picked up on my little thing there.
Impressive. Most impressive.
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Current baby status, 3/6: The dog is acting out because the baby plays with her food and water bowls. The dog is being kind of an ass about the whole thing, if you ask me.
I am sorry, Tangle; we can still be internet-friends, right?
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Oh, so now we're picking on the dog in the baby updates? You used to love that dog, Mr. Chris Onstad.
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I am sorry, Tangle; we can still be internet-friends, right?
well it's not like I have dibs or anything :)
you are a rad internet friend
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Oh, so now we're picking on the dog in the baby updates? You used to love that dog, Mr. Chris Onstad.
That's always the way when a new baby comes to the house. Didn't you see Lady and the Tramp?
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Current baby status, 3/8: 51 weeks old.
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Yeah folks, remember: O's little girls is a pi day baby. The big o-n-e is coming up. Face and body all buried in birthday cake.
Shit, we should send a cake. Or something man. Dude's basically been giving us awesome entertainment for free, least we could do is give his daughter a propper happy birthday.
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My wife's brithday is Pi Day.
Also, do you suppose the baby is still farting a lot (http://www.achewood.com/index.php?date=04062005)?
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What's going to happen to the baby updates when the baby is no longer a baby?
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They'll be "toddler updates."
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Just wait for the teenager updates.
"Junior stole the car today and crashed it into a chestnut tree. I made some polenta."
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"Today the baby told me that she doesn't have to live by my rules any more, and then left the house in not enough clothing."
"today, the baby left for college"
"today, the baby had a baby."
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"today, the baby had a baby."
Mass hysteria!
Cats and Dogs Living Together!
Babies.. havin' babies!
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oh shit guys the baby's birthday is the same day as mine
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Oh fuck! Wait, what's wrong with this?
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Yeah, I was gonna say "And mine's the day after! OH SHIIIIIIIII- oh wait, nevermind."
But I think that was just neuro's way of telling us he really wants us to buy him that George Foreman grill when the 14th rolls around.
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"Today the baby told me that she doesn't have to live by my rules any more, and then left the house in not enough clothing."
Yes, this would do nicely.
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Yeah, I was gonna say "And mine's the day after! OH SHIIIIIIIII- oh wait, nevermind."
Man, your birthday's the Ides of March? That, sir, is hardcore.
BE CAREFUL ON... THE IDES OF QUEUE
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my gf's birthday is on the nonnes of march. so. I guess this is some kind of pattern.
anyone born on the calends?
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Man, your birthday's the Ides of March? That, sir, is hardcore.
BE CAREFUL ON... THE IDES OF QUEUE
Indeed it is. As I have pointed out many times, this (http://www.misterqueue.com/caesar.jpg).
I was aware back then even.
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Indeed it is. As I have pointed out many times, this (http://www.misterqueue.com/caesar.jpg).
I was aware back then even.
My birthday's also on the Ides, as Queue mentioned a while back. In celebration of my 21st, Que's 28th, and Caesar's unfortunate 2050th, Queue and I will perform the first ever simultaneous, reciprocal assassination.
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My birthday's also on the Ides, as Queue mentioned a while back. In celebration of my 21st, Que's 28th, and Caesar's unfortunate 2050th, Queue and I will perform the first ever simultaneous, reciprocal assassination.
...hot.
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Current baby status, 3/12: she is freestyling the phonemes and morphemes at all times
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Current baby status, 3/12: she is freestyling the phonemes and morphemes at all times
How appropriate for you to post this one.
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Yeah, I was gonna say "And mine's the day after! OH SHIIIIIIIII- oh wait, nevermind."
But I think that was just neuro's way of telling us he really wants us to buy him that George Foreman grill when the 14th rolls around.
14th? I assumed "pi day baby" or whatever meant the 16th, since that makes sense.
But I need no grill. All I truly ask for is the respect of everyone to take the time to correctly spell my username.
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14th? I assumed "pi day baby" or whatever meant the 16th, since that makes sense.
But I need no grill. All I truly ask for is the respect of everyone to take the time to correctly spell my username.
Uh.. no.. because 3.14 is PI well.. it's part of PI anyway.
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All I truly ask for is the respect of everyone to take the time to correctly spell my username.
to Q- Oh snap, he burned you...
To N- Well maybe, if you had a normal name.
~Paul
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Uh.. no.. because 3.14 is PI well.. it's part of PI anyway.
I thought they meant Pie Day (http://www.piecouncil.org/national.htm).
But I guess not.
~Paul
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to Q- Oh snap, he burned you...
To N- Well maybe, if you had a normal name.
~Paul
It's okay, I got to correct him about PI in return so all in all we ended up about even I'd say.
Okay maybe *I* am odd, but even just the same.
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son of a bitch I'm retarded
sorry guys I don't sleep much
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We're getting pretty desperate when the hot topic is the baby updates. What the hell were you doing all weekend Mr. Onstad? We need a comic and we need it badly. Very badly.
~Paul
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14th? I assumed "pi day baby" or whatever meant the 16th, since that makes sense.
Yeah, come back on this? Because you are the one who, you know, makes no sense.
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Good point. That certainly hasn't been discussed already. Thanks for your input.
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Good point. That certainly hasn't been discussed already. Thanks for your input.
That's fuck*ng bizarre, because I posted that directly after:
Uh.. no.. because 3.14 is PI well.. it's part of PI anyway.
but it didn't go through for another however many hours. Fuck, I'm not that drunk. I would have used much wittier insults had I waited that long.
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Current Baby Status, 3/14:
(http://achewood.com/baby_1.jpg)
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Aw, she's cute!
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Sweet Fancy Catsup!
Actually, that child is no more or less cute than other children whose pictures have been posted here. I have no child-cuteness evaluation program.
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oh goodness.
do we have to send the baby presents now? I think we do. I think we should creepily send the small girl presents.
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The Baby Onstad is very cute, but to send her presents would be... crossing a line?
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The Baby Onstad is very cute, but to send her presents would be... crossing a line?
I don't know, does the baby have an Amazon wish list?
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She looks to be sayin' "Yay!"
Happy happy joy joy!
I bet she wears Baby Gap or something...
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The Baby Onstad is very cute, but to send her presents would be... crossing a line?
The best present is privacy. It's cheap, lasts forever on a tank of gas and is basically like treasure.
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The best present is privacy. It's cheap, lasts forever on a tank of gas and is basically like treasure.
I'd rather have chocolate.
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I'd rather have a chocolate baby.
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Chocolate babies! (http://www.oldtimecandy.com/chocolate-babies.htm)
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Actually, that child is no more or less cute than other children whose pictures have been posted here. I have no child-cuteness evaluation program.
Last visit to the parents, my mother, as she if oft to do, stuck a picture of some random baby under my nose - my reaction was to recoil in horror "dear god, that's and ugly baby!" I exclaimed - partly because the baby was unattractive, but mostly because I am tired of my mom showing me random pictures of baby's belonging to people I don't even know as a means of hinting that she desparatly wants me to reproduce (good luck with that, mom.). Oops - it was my ugly cousin's ugly baby. My mom was not impressed, but it was a damn ugly baby.
Onstad's baby is well costumed - good to see he's enforcing those gender roles early.
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Son of Rodney = Sorod
Daughter of Onstad = Daustad? Put a couple of dots over some of the vowells and you could have an OK German metal band there.
Happy birthday kid, good luck with the really weird dad.
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a couple of months ago, at my girlfriend's house, I said "oh liz, you were such a cute baby." To which she responded "oh, how do you know?". "That picture in the den?"
It was her dad, ladies and gentlemen. It was a picture of her dad as a baby.
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a couple of months ago, at my girlfriend's house, I said "oh liz, you were such a cute baby." To which she responded "oh, how do you know?". "That picture in the den?"
It was her dad, ladies and gentlemen. It was a picture of her dad as a baby.
I bet you're hell of conflicted now, eh?
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Imagine if you will, 20 or so years from now little.. hell we don't know her name so let's call her something we know it probably isn't; Little Desdemona Onstad stumbles around on the net searching for old things of dear old Dad. This site, though completely decimated in the Webcomic Wars of 2015, is archived through various hypertextual technologies in the future.
She stumbles upon a bunch of random imaginary people wishing her Happy Birthday but does not understand why. She frantically searches the rest of the site and finds out that her sweet Daddoo used to write about cats in thongs and that his fans were all a bunch of zealotry-riddled freaks.
I think maybe then a tear comes to her eye. Then she gets over it because it's 2026 and that's when the cyborgs start to invade. And they're knocking on her door.
Happy Birthday Kid. I hope those Cyborgs don't get you.
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I moved this discussion to "Sociology 101" in Science 'n' Nature.
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Current baby status, 3/21:
Do you read tea leaves or chicken giblets? Let me know if the baby’s future husband was born today. I have this weird feeling.
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Current baby status, 3/21:
Do you read tea leaves or chicken giblets? Let me know if the baby’s future husband was born today. I have this weird feeling.
The baby update topic was locked, so I brought it out here.
I just wanted to say that this is a hella freaky occurance the first time it happens. I've never had that specific one, but I've been out and seen some bratty little boy and thought, "You stay away from my daughter, you little bastard."
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For Onstad:
Song to Be Sung by the Father of Infant Female Children (http://www.westegg.com/nash/infant-female.html)
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And for me, too, though you didn't know it. A can.
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Current baby status, 3/22:
The baby, using fingers, turned my computer off unexpectedly and caused me to lose a lot of Jeep drawings.
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Which is pretty sad because he makes some pretty sweet Jeep drawings.
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BAD baby.
But despite this setback, there was a comic today. Thank you Mr Onstad for carrying on bravely.
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Just one more reason to never procreate.
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Proving that the only reason that Onstad started this arc was so that he could draw Jeeps. Good Jeeps, though.
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Current baby status, 3/23: The baby was a giggle factory. She sourced raw giggles, processed them, and turned them into finished giggles for the marketplace.
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I thought babies pretty much turned everything into turds.
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I thought babies pretty much turned everything into turds.
No, just passionate love lives. *rimshot*
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Current baby status, 3/26:
Here is how to describe teething: Just when it got worse, it got horrible again
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Teething is an argument against the existence of God.
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Babies often resemble young puppies while teething. Biting everything in sight, nibbling on fingers, their teeth indistinguishable from razors it's horrible from new owners/parents. Most find it overwhelming and that's why we have dog pounds and Jerry Springer.
I speak nothing but the truth.
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The best is when your kid is one of those early teethers (6 mons) and still breastfeeding. Woo Hoo!
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Got some sore teats there AD?
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The answer is Nip Guards (http://www.nipguards.com/) for the WIN!
(http://www.nipguards.com/images/shirt.jpg)
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Got some sore teats there AD?
Not personally, but they are around.
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Bleeding nipples are simply another reason not to run marathons.
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Current baby status, 3/28: The baby's first word is, Hi.
:nod:
I hear my first word was a number.
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First word? Momentous event here. It's like watching a nipper of your own developing.
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Lizzie del Vaca's first word was "nose."
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Lizzie del Vaca's first word was "nose."
Are you sure it wasn't 'knows"?
~Paul
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She was pointing at her nose at the time.
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Maybe she was done playing charades?
*Tap on the nose* "Knows!"
This is probably further logic than a baby can give, despite the, I am assured, miracle that is your baby and all.
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Current baby status, 3/28: The baby's first word is, Hi.
:nod:
I hear my first word was a number.
i can imagine a sleep deprived Onstad going "Her first word was 'Hai'? What the fuck -- why is my baby Japanese"
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This is truly the baby of a Stanford graduate.
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My first word was "magnet."
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I don't know what my first word was.
but, I do know that I was a creepy baby who could talk in coherent sentences very early. I terrified people.
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The baby's first word is, Hi.
That's so appropriately... appropriate.
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but, I do know that I was a creepy baby who could talk in coherent sentences very early. I terrified people.
I had this exact same problem. My mother has a funny story where a woman at the checkout counter of the grocery store actually screamed when I talked to her.
I'm beginning to think you're like some sort of weird cloney Q version 2. Man are you in for some crap when you get older in that case.
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Mine was "cookie." My daughter's was "dog."
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According to my mother, I once got scolded by a waitress for reading. I was about two or so. Also, I was one of those creepy-ass kids who doesn't talk until they can form complete sentences, therefore convincing their parents that they are deaf and/or mentally disabled until the truth comes to light. Uh, go me, I guess.
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I didn't say anything til I was three. At that point, I looked at the babysitter and, repeating my mom's oft-uttered shout at the dog:
SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP!
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AD-- you never cease to be utterly delicious.
MQ-- Um... thanks?
I think thanks. Thanks!
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Current baby status, 4/2: The baby drank water out of a plant coaster, so I worried about giardia for six hours.
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That baby update sums up what worries me most about having children. I now realize that my mother wasn't hopelessly, needlessly paranoid about my every move. She was just a mom. And someday, I'll be just like her.
All makin' dad follow me in the car when I bike to the park.
All leavin' 5 messages on my answering machine if I'm not home.
For some reason, my getting married has set her mind at ease a good bit, at least.
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Wait'll she starts harping on you to start popping out grandkids.
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Current baby status, 4/5: The baby has entered Tiny Thug phase. Faces are slapped hard on the diagonal, plates are furiously upturned. Egg is everywhere, yogurt dots the ceiling. The dog was slapped so hard that she almost lost it.
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Does the Tiny Thug phase come with "Thug Life" tattoo?
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No, but she does spill 40 oz of milk for her homies.
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Does the Tiny Thug phase come with "Thug Life" tattoo?
Parents are encouraged to purchase Baby's First Stable of Hoes in order to facilitate your baby's transition into his or her new thuggin lifestyle.
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Parents are encouraged to purchase Baby's First Stable of Hoes in order to facilitate your baby's transition into his or her new thuggin lifestyle.
Isn't that what Bratz dolls are?
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dang.
The dog was slapped so hard that she almost lost it.
That is such a slap.
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Homies! (http://www.homies.tv/home.htm)
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yeah, I saw these once. they were amazing.
and yes, bratz dolls are teaching girls to be hell of sluts. Ironically, I read an article by some feminist mom saying "at least barbie had jobs! there was airline barbie, teacher barbie, doctor barbie, etc. These dolls only distinguishing feature is a variety of clothes and boyfriends. And, I'm sorry, they're hideous."
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Current baby status, 4/6: Parenting, which is difficult, means that you only order restaurant dishes which can be eaten with one hand and no cutting.
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Well, that's pretty much what I order at restraunts but I've no baby so make of that what you will.
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Current baby status, 4/7: We learned that the reason the baby slaps is because she either wants attention or does not want attention.
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Current baby status, 4/10: The baby is starting to imitate our words, so it is time to not have a temper anymore.
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Current baby status, 4/12: The baby dances to music now. It is a simple, binary dance, and requires three points of contact with stationary objects, but it's more than I can do.
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Current baby status, 4/12: The baby dances to music now. It is a simple, binary dance, and requires three points of contact with stationary objects, but it's more than I can do.
That's kind of dissapointing. Onstad: can you really not dance, or have you just never tried?
Don't let your baby be showing you up in the soul department.
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Current baby status, 4/14: We were sitting on the floor watching Jeopardy. After we turned off the TV, the baby looked at us with a smile, rose up, and then stood unassisted for ten seconds. I immediately put Also Sprach Zarathustra on WinAmp and gave her a NERF femur.
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Current baby status, 4/17: The baby's dad just paid all his taxes and is now acting like he has a finger-gun that he can point all over the place.
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Someone gets sassy (http://www.achewood.com/index.php?date=01162004) after he pays his taxes.
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CH-CHK! POW! (http://www.achewood.com/index.php?date=11142005)
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29,000 cans to wombat for posting the latest Baby Update.
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That is an intense number of cans.
It's like the lottery! Except, you can't buy servants with them.
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That is an intense number of cans.
It's like the lottery! Except, you can't buy servants with them.
...or can you?
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That is an intense number of cans.
It's like the lottery! Except, you can't buy servants with them.
Well, Jough appears to have just exchanged an arbitrarily large number of cans for a service, so... do the math.
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But did he lose any cans in this transaction? He's creating currency here. This can't be good for the economy of this place.
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But did he lose any cans in this transaction? He's creating currency here. This can't be good for the economy of this place.
Is tiny can stagflation right around the corner?
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Is tiny can stagflation right around the corner?
GASP!
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This canflation is eroding the middle can class, and ensuring that more and more of us will come from "circumstances".
This is, of course, except wombat, who is the new King Canchacho.
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Easy come, easy go.
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Is Jough the only one who can increase can amounts at will? Because I've seen his cans go up by hundreds all of a sudden.
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Yep.
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I love what you noticing that implies-- that you consistently monitor people's can counts. and remember them from day to day.
although, I guess going up by 100 at once is pretty noticeable.
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When you spend all your waking life on this board you pick up certain abilities.
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I thought that with over 29,000 cans, I would finally be Cured. That the number would put me outside the whole can economy. That I could rest on my laurels. I would no longer think about it. I was so relieved.
Right. It turns out that I can perfectly well tell the difference between the numbers 29,112 and 29,113. And 29,114. And 29,115...
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"Cured" should be a new torture method, where one is forced to listen to massive amounts of The Cure.
*Edited to fix grammar.
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I don't actually raise mine or anyone else's can amounts, I just change what happens when someone adds or removes cans from them.
There was a user here (yeah, I'm looking at you, jerkoff) who would remove at least 8-10 cans PER DAY from me and a couple of other people. This means that they came back to the board once an hour and removed cans from the people they didn't like. This is what their life has come to.
Anyway, in three minutes I wrote a script that looked at who was deleting or adding cans from whom, and then when this individual removed one of mine or someone else's cans the script would add some arbitrary number (I think it adds 20 to Paul, 17 to me, 4 to wombat, etc.).
I may reverse that array some day so everyone gets different amounts.
Anyway, cans are pretty arbitrary, but it's still a WTF moment when you see some piece of shit cocksucking faggot take away cans from someone for seemingly no good reason.
I don't care, because I can always just give myself a billion cans and be done with it. But think of wombat, people. She needs those cans.
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+2700
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There was a user here (yeah, I'm looking at you, jerkoff) who would remove at least 8-10 cans PER DAY from me and a couple of other people. This means that they came back to the board once an hour and removed cans from the people they didn't like. This is what their life has come to.
Wow, those are some serious issues. And was this person a cannibal? Because, really, that would explain a lot.
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Wow, those are some serious issues. And was this person a cannibal? Because, really, that would explain a lot.
Wasn't me and I still haven't eaten Sarah yet.
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Oh ho! Zing!
See, this is why I nominate you for TOUAMBIE living the least-shame-based life award. And that award is a tiny can. Not that you care about cans. Because that would be shameful.
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Current baby status, 4/23: The baby knows to say Hi to approaching dogs.
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Current baby status, 4/24: The baby did not eat anything that she could not scream at first. The baby forgot that it is the job of enzymes, not screams, to break down the food.
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This is a common phenomenon among babies.
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Current baby status, 4/24: The baby did not eat anything that she could not scream at first. The baby forgot that it is the job of enzymes, not screams, to break down the food.
I won't lie, I didn't learn this until 10th grade. It was explained to me by a goodnatured chemistry teacher. Man was that embarrassing.
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Current baby status, 4/27: Turns out I was wrong. The baby screamed at a piece of radiatore until it turned back into individual trenette.
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Current baby status, 4/30: The baby was going to get to play with her great-grandfather's ukulele, but it turns out it's made from really valuable extinct koa wood, so now we all just feel really bad about what man has done to the planet in the name of ukuleles.
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Koa trees grow in the old hardwood forests on the Big Island and maybe others. We have a humungous Koa log sitting in a warehouse waiting to be turned into a canoe. It's definitely not extinct. It's expensive, and on the rare side, but it's not extinct.l
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Current baby status, 4/30: The baby was going to get to play with her great-grandfather's ukulele, but it turns out it's made from really valuable extinct koa wood, so now we all just feel really bad about what man has done to the planet in the name of ukuleles.
Best baby status I have read.
Can anyone give cans?
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Anyone with over 25 relevant posts can give or take cans, one per hour.
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relevant
???
~Paul
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In other words, not just 25 one-word posts or other crap to obviously bump one's post count (see above for example of how not to post :P ).
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Hey, where did that :) come from?
~Paul
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Dude, you're pushing the joke too hard.
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It was a joke?
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It was a joke?
No.
~Paul
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Dude, you're pushing the joke too hard.
I've got 2732 post and a solid 10 percent have content.
~Paul
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earlier, I was looking for something (it was the dysfunctional calvin and hobbes-- I found it), and so I was looking through my old posts.
the vast majority were illogical. I had to look up things I said on wikipedia once or twice. I also laughed a lot.
paul, we love you!
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paul, we love you!
Thank you the Inevitable. Jough's just being a dick. It's his job.
~Paul
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Current baby status, 5/1: The dog knows better than to eat food out of the baby's hand, but the dog does not act according to that knowledge. Today the dog was yelled at.
Dogs are oft to do that which they know better than to do.
Also, the picture these posts create is of a noisy and somewhat unhappy homelife not akin to domestic bliss.
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Anyone with over 25 relevant posts can give or take cans, one per hour.
I have been to a lot of message boards. I can honestly say that is the best idea I have heard since Beef was going to have that restaurant with a beautiful 20' waterfall to compete with Romano's Macaroni Grill.
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A high post count is not a high score. People with alot of posts in a very small window of time are obviously just spewing whatever they think of directly into the internet. I mean, dumb one word posts are annoying, but people don't actually benefit from having a high post count. No one has any more respect for someone with 34565367346546345643 posts.
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No one has any more respect for someone with 34565367346546345643 posts.
They don't? DAMMIT!
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Current baby status, 5/4: Teething is proof that God hates us and wants us to hit ourselves on the head a trowel.
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Current baby status, 5/9: The police came and arrested the baby for being so cute. They read her the Cut It Out act.
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Current baby status, 5/14: The baby got a ukulele from George Harrison's favorite Hawaiian ukulele shop. Tablature for Bathtub Sonata to follow.
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E--------Splish-----------------Splish------------
B---------------------Splash---Splash------------
G-----------------------------------------------
D------------------------------Splash------------
A---------------------Splish---------------------
E-----------------------------------------------
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Wit
A++++ SIR WOULD READ AGAIN OMFG!
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Current baby status, 5/15: The baby has sixteen words now. I am bragging - this is what it's like when I brag. The words: hi, shoe, ducky, doggie, daddy, food, eat, clock, dirt, water, ball, piggy, owl, bird, bubble, and helicopter (only we recognize helicopter, which sounds like eh'-cop-ta).
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Come on, the baby has no word for mom?
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yeah, poor mrs onstad (liz)!
that has to be so sad.
"say "mama"!"
Ducky!
"say "mommy"!"
Helicopter!
"say "mumma"!"
What the hell, shut up lady! I'll say "mama" when I want, ok BITCH ?
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How often does a baby need to say "owl," anyway? Let alone "helicopter."
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Do you think the baby learned "helicopter" from Airwolf?
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Do you think the baby learned "helicopter" from Airwolf?
I am hard-pressed to think of another way the baby possibly could have learned "helicopter." Now the only thing to be done is to teach the baby to use "Airwolf" as a general positive adjective.
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I am hard-pressed to think of another way the baby possibly could have learned "helicopter." Now the only thing to be done is to teach the baby to use "Airwolf" as a general positive adjective.
It'll be the new "money." Preppy frat guys around the country will proclaim their new stereos to be "so Airwolf."
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Come on, the baby has no word for mom?
Onstad is Mr. Mom, that's why he only gets 2-3 strips out a week.
~Paul
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yeah, as I left the house, I realized "oh goodness, it is because Mrs Chris-Onstad-of-Achewood works, while Mr Chris-Onstad-of-Achewood stays home with babe and pen."
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So, in regards to "helicopter."
This basically confirms my suspicion that Onstad is insane, and in fact does walk around the house all day reciting Achewood strip dialogue.
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um.
maybe she reads those books that are written for babies to teach them rediculous words?
maybe they live near a hospital?
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no man pretty sure he is just all kinds of nuts
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While I'm sure in this case the baby only knows these words because of Onstad's aforementioned kookieness is anyone else struck by the useless words we teach babies these days. I'm referring to the whole farmyard animal thing, how much time do most people spend on the old farm anyway? Yet it seems as soon as a little podling comes into the world it must be forced to distinguish a hoss from a Cow from a Sheep.
It's not like we don't have perfectly easy to pronounce items just lying around anyway, what's wrong with 'Mod-em' or 'Glock'?
or "Airwolf".
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I know. I was trying to teach my friend's baby the name of my camera, but she was having none of it, and wanted to just smear the lens with her fingers.
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It Is Fun To Teach Your Kid To Make Animal Noises.
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Every family has a few silly in-jokes, too. Maybe helicopter is part of a family Meme.
my 15 month old started saying "Cat-poop" on Saturday. Just picked it up.
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my story:
as a baby, my mom would not let me have sweets.
and we went to visit my grandma. Who lives in Chile.
and when my mom went out, she gave me a little bite of a cake she had made. and said "*in spanish* do you like that daniel? Cake! ca-ke. Cake."
and my mom returned, to find me excitedly pointing at the cake, and saying the spanish word for Cake over and over.
she figured it out pretty fast.
Another gem, of the "oh that is so typical variety":
we used to have a skylight, and one day it broke. My mom heard it cracking, and picked me up, screaming "Bob! Bob (my dad)! The fuck*ng window is breaking!"
the next day, I looked at her and said "mommy... what kind of window is a "fuck*ng window"?"
which is amazing, because until age 12 or so, I thought my mom didn't cuss. so I don't know why I don't remember that.
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That's a cool one. I'll have to wait a little longer 'cause it's a phrase but 'Go pee up a rope' is going to be continued as tradition.
Be careful with this. When I was 10 or 11, my father first used the phrase "snot locker" around me, and I think I used it every day thereafter for upwards of six months. Kids, especially weird kids, will fixate on anything.
Amusingly, half the swears I know I learned from my father in the car. Dude is just the angriest driver, all hating on traffic lights, all screaming at anyone with inadequate turn-signal distance.
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Teach your kids to curse early, so that they can become the cool kids at school.
In a lightly related story, did you know that I possibly invented the word, "fuck?" I remember very clearly that one day, at about three years of age, I was playing with blocks and stuffed dolls in the spot right next to where I am sitting right now. I was screaming random phrases of improvised words, so I screamed at the top of my lungs "FUCK IN FOOD." I thought that I had made up a nonsense word that had never before been used, and I doubt that I had heard it before that time.
My mother didn't confront me about it until probably a week later. She was like, "Did you scream a bad word? Where did you hear that?"
I had no idea what she was talking about. So I was all like, "Hell no, I was just screaming shit I made up."
And thus. . . "fuck" was born.
Then, around nine years of age, social interaction became a profanity-fest. All cursing, all the time.
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oh man, I did that!
except it was with some spanish cuss.
I just remember my mom telling me that it meant something gross in spanish, and not to keep saying it.
wierdest part? I can remember it. And I can't figure out how you would spell it. It was actually what I said when I was trying to remember a Chinese word (feng shui) as a small child, so you can imagine it was all CHING CHONG WING WONG. that shit is insane.
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Current toddler status, 5/16: First steps!
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So do we ... do we need a new thread?
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I think we do. I'm going to miss the baby. *sniff*
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Every family has a few silly in-jokes, too. Maybe helicopter is part of a family Meme.
Obviously the word was being used frequently around the house during the time of the airwolf story. The Toddler just picked it up.
~Paul
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"Chris! Chris! Stop drawing your goddamn helicopters and help me bring in the groceries!"
"liz! no! it's airwolf! it's not just any helicopter! jesus!"
"shut up! I don't care what it is! it's for an online comic. it doesn't matter."
"woman, why can't you understand my dreams! you're killing me! if it wasn't for the baby, so help me god, I'd.."
"eh'-cop-ta"
(simultaneously)"Awww!"
"what were we just arguing about"
"I don't remember"
"eh'-cop-ta!"
"that's right! helicopter! ...airwolf!"
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Hey The, you registered to vote, did you register for the draft as well? Hey you listened to Carl Perkins, that is seriously rad.
~Paul
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yeah, I registered to vote because I'll be 18 at the next election... I actually turn 18 for real this monday. I will go register for the draft at that time.
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Current toddler status, 5/22: Surprisingly, the slurping-up of long, single strands of spaghetti seems to be a primal instinct. My baby is a comedy guido in shiny black Robeez.
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wait... that's comedy thing? you aren't supposed to do that?
damn. that explains everything.
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wait... that's comedy thing? you aren't supposed to do that?
damn. that explains everything.
For shame, theinevitable. That is a terrible application of oneself.
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Current toddler status, 5/23: She was taken to Chuck E. Cheese's (http://www.chuckecheese.com/), the only kid-themed restaurant chain honest enough to have a rat as a mascot.
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Current toddler status, 5/28: When bringing a toddler to a large family party, sit strategically: occupy a corner of lawn which affords no proper seating. This will dramatically reduce the number of aunties who come over to ask when you plan on having your next child.
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Current toddler status, 5/30: She went in her little pool today, dressed like Esther Williams.
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http://www.gasolinealleyantiques.com/celebrity/images/Movie/esther-movieland.JPG (http://www.gasolinealleyantiques.com/celebrity/images/Movie/esther-movieland.JPG)
Where does one get such an outfit in toddler?
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Is it just me or are toddler updates not as good as baby updates?
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I've been pretty sick of them since the beginning.
I just hope the ghost of Bil Keane doesn't reach out and smack us when Onstad takes a day off and the kid draws the strip.
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That baby is such a hack.
~Paul
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Yeah, standing up is for sellouts only!
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Q Q Q... you never will understand, will you?
Maybe it's for sellouts now... but I was standing up before it was cool.
That's right! I did it before all the kids were doing it. Back then, I was on the edge. Just like I am now.
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Pfft.. that's nothing, I stood up before you were even a full zygote. That's right. Dare I lay claim to being, clearly, the sole inventor of stand-upitude.
If you watch all the people who stand up nowadays, you can clearly see my influence in the little wiggle in the booty; that was my trademark move back in the day. The ladies, they loved that shit. I'm telling you.
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Q Q Q... you never will understand, will you?
Maybe it's for sellouts now... but I was standing up before it was cool.
That's right! I did it before all the kids were doing it. Back then, I was on the edge. Just like I am now.
You punks think you invented standing up. I was standing up when you were still shitting yourself. I'm way beyond that now. Sitting down is the new standing up.
~Paul
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I understand that if you hang around long enough, shitting yourself comes back in style.
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I understand that if you hang around long enough, shitting yourself comes back in style.
Well alright then.. that sounds like a party!
Wait... no it doesn't. That doesn't sound like a party at all!
Good gravy, not at all! *Horrified stare at AW*
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It's not a party until someone reaches back and throws a handful.
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You punks think you invented standing up. I was standing up when you were still shitting yourself. I'm way beyond that now. Sitting down is the new standing up.
~Paul
That is funny.
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Current toddler status, 6/1: When we left the farmer's market, she was holding a CitiBank balloon. What?
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Current toddler status, 6/1: When we left the farmer's market, she was holding a CitiBank balloon. What?
Noooo Stad.. NOoo! Trust me... they recruit early!
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Speaking of old people shitting themselves, did you know I briefly worked at an old folks home as a dietary technician (basically I was the person who put the food in a blender and turned it to mush, then served it to people with varying levels of senility)?
I remember the day I quite, I was clearing the tables and this old guy who was in need of a diaper change reached over and pinched my ass. When I yelped his care worker said "oh, he doesn't know what he's doing." But I looked at him, and that mother fucker was grinning from ear to ear, and looking right at me. This is not why I quit though.
I quit because when I asked an Alzheimer patient if she was done with her food to no response twice (the rule was that you had to ask the senile patients at least twice if they were done eating before taking their plate away if there was still food on it), when she didn't respond, I took it, and she started weeping and wailing uncontrollably. I put her plate back and she tried to shove it off the table while continuing to weep. The care person came over and held her as she cried. Another patient at the table also started crying, and the care person hissed at me to take the plate away. It was one of the saddest things I've ever seen, and I was so depressed that I went home and cried and never went back. It was my first job, back when I was 15 1/2, and my mom tried to convince me to go back, and I just couldn't do it. I was so saddened by the whole situation.
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side_show, is the treatment of the elderly in Canada similar to that in the States (i.e., old folks are herded into nursing homes and assisted living facilities once they become too frail to live on their own, instead of living with family members because it would be too "burdensome")? I know that for the most part here, we have an alarming lack of respect for our senior citizens, and prefer the "out of sight, out of mind" strategy of dealing with their infirmity, as opposed to appreciating the insight they can offer to us about life.
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Yes, that is basically exactly how the elderly are treated in Canada. On the flip side of my horrible job at the old folks home though, my last job before fully committing to my work in theatre was as a journalist for an Aboriginal paper where I interviewed community elders and war veterans and wrote biographical articles of their lives. It's taken me from fearing aging (and therefore fearing the aged) to a more traditional view of elders as important teachers in my life, and the life of others. I also learned that old men love to talk about their former girlfriends from 60 years ago when their wives aren't around. Amusing!
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as opposed to appreciating the insight they can offer to us about life.
Like, "I think this room has gotten smaller," and, "What have you done for me lately?" Also demanding coffee to be made at 2am, or 3am, sometimes 4 or 5am.
I certainly appreciated it, though.
Accept for asking when I was going to have a child, I didn't appreciate that at all.
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oh man, today I was invited to a "party" that was actually just me, a nice girl, a friend of mine, 2 guys I don't know, and the nice girl's huge jewish family.
they were entirely:
- over the age of 60
- speaking Yiddish
- under 5'6"
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under 5'6"
You got a problem with that?
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oh man, today I was invited to a "party" that was actually just me, a nice girl, a friend of mine, 2 guys I don't know, and the nice girl's huge jewish family.
they were entirely:
- over the age of 60
- speaking Yiddish
- under 5'6"
My favorite "family that wasn't mine" shindig I ever went to was for a friend of mine Chiharu who is Japanese. Not only was her family extremely accomdating and a blasty, but I could pretend I was A GIANT!
I mean, I don't want to say I thought about Godzilla, but dammit I did. I'm not made of wood alright?
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womb-- no, the shortness was fine. It was just that I suddenly realized I was the tallest person at the party by a wide margin.
...
also I think they all thought I was dating their (niece/granddaughter/daughter/some other relationship). it was kind of funny.
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Current toddler status, 6/5: She gorged so messily on capellini with tomato sauce that our dinner guest literally flipped his plate, stormed out the door, and peeled his car tires out in the driveway as he left.
I am not sure what is going on here.
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Oh man, that's the funniest toddler update yet. He was SO ANGRY AT THE BABY. Even his car felt his wrath.
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I hope that is true, if it is true, then I like it.
Otherwise, I hate it. I know these dudes that make jokes about shit like that, all the time. It's so old. Man, enough imaginary scenarios, dudes.
I hope the toddler was splashing sauce all over. Saucing up the guest good.
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Current toddler status, 6/9: She and I (mostly the latter) got yelled at when she played with my special book-signing fountain pen and got ink all over her hands, her fancy shirt, and Cornelius Bear's forehead.
Noooooooooooooooo
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Current toddler status, 6/13: She hid the TiVo remote in the trunk of her toy car, and it was actually kind of a problem for a few hours.
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Clearly, a cry for daddy's attention. "Please daddy, stop watching TV and play with me!" AKA, The Saddest Thing (http://saddestthing.com/)
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Current toddler status, 6/15: On Saturday we are going to see Otto the Clown 'Copter, who apparently has a 75 lb. functioning yo-yo.
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Otto the Clown Copter (http://www.otto-airshow.com/main.html)
Just in case you were curious.
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Oh no. Now he's going to have to contend with stalkers looking to find him on Saturday.
RUN, ONSTAD, RUN
P.S. Apparently, Otto's last performance in CA was LAST weekend.
http://www.airshows.org/list_events.php?1sf=Performers&1sm=divide&1s=otto&icas_main_PSID=29675de38fbb7087e702f9b72eff758f
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oh man.
I would be that guy that would find him, and just walk up and shake his hand. I would think I was so classy.
and then he'd freak out, call the police, make a post in his blog about being stalked, etc.
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Current toddler status, 6/20: She is sleeping! Please close your browser very gently.
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Current toddler status, 6/20: She is sleeping! Please close your browser very gently.
I slammed Firefox! I slammed that shit so hard when I closed it! I don't take guff from nobody! Not even fancy##### online cartoony men!
That that Mr. C. Onstad, if that is your real name!
Ooh.. I woke her? I'm sorry.. I thought we were doin' a thing. I- I didn't know.
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That that Mr. C. Onstad, if that is your real name!
I just realised:
C. Onstad
C Onstad
Constad
Any of you folks out there who have not had their shirts delivered, I've got a gem for you right here.
"Onstad din't get my shit to me within the time aloud"
"Lol mor like Constad amirite"
I have a feeling I'll regret this post in the morning, but it seems a good idea right now.
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Uhh... what?
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Yeah, dude, what is Constad?
Google was no help on this issue.
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Well.. it was sorta Con-stad, as in conning. You see? Eh?
No, I don't know what I was thinking either. Take away the required amount of cans, and I hope we can then all forget this sordid episode ever happened.
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I had my hand hovering over the "taketh away" button... but I just don't have the heart.
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I had my hand hovering over the "taketh away" button... but I just don't have the heart.
I've already been severely can-raped, it's not like the pain can get much worse.
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It is okay, Judy, I thought it was clever, and I "got it" (but maybe that is because I have had this thought before). Anyway, we still love you. HUUUGS!
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And I usually find British humor funny. Go figure.
Dame Edna you ain't, Judy, but I'm leaving your cans for others to take.
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Damn.. AD just turned down Judy's cans even though they are young, firm, and supple!
(I am sorry for this post.)
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Current toddler status, 6/25: I went on a plane trip and realized that pretty soon I need to start getting her little souvenirs.
On a personal note, I am looking forward to getting my little girl (who is 24 days old as of now) little souvenirs! Although, I hardly ever go on plane trips. Maybe I'll bring her souvenirs from my trips to... the grocery store. Like, maybe, a potato. Or some napkins.
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That's worth celebrating. Send you your address via PM and I'll send you some Hawaiian swag for your little human.
#3 is due in 17 days! W00t!
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Current toddler status, 6/26: She played at her sand-and-water table while I hit ripe plums with a nine-iron. A good day.
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David Letterman throws baseballs at an archery target in his backyard, and Onstad hits plums with a golf club. Coincidence?
Also, what in blazes is a "sand-and-water table"? I mean, besides the obvious ("a table with sand and water!").
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Also, what in blazes is a "sand-and-water table"? I mean, besides the obvious ("a table with sand and water!").
If I remember my very early childhood right, a sand-and-water table is sort of an indoor sandbox -- basically, a box on legs containing sand into which water can be poured. It's designed so the very young can enjoy sand and water in a relatively contained environment. Here's one from Amazon. (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00064XGKG/104-4619343-8351169?v=glance)
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If I remember my very early childhood right, a sand-and-water table is sort of an indoor sandbox -- basically, a box on legs containing sand into which water can be poured. It's designed so the very young can enjoy sand and water in a relatively contained environment. Here's one from Amazon. (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/B00064XGKG/104-4619343-8351169?v=glance)
Dang, that is so much fancier than the ones that I used at school. Ours were wooden; these are all plastic with rounded edges so soft heads don't contact sharp corners. Kids these days! You protect them from themselves, but who will protect them from the super-bugs that their mothers create with antiviral tissues?
We also had plastic funnels and little dumptrucks and such with which to amuse ourselves whilst playing in the sand-and-water table.
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They sell sand-and-water tables here but they seem rather superfluous in a sand-and-water environment.
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Current toddler status, 7/03: She accidentally overheard me confiding in a friend that my dog has been acting like a real asshole lately.
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man, onstad straight up Despises the little dog.
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You used to love that dog, Mr Onstad.
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Somebody's got a new vocabulary word?
Man I dread the day I have to stop cussin' because of children. That's gonna be a tough one.
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Current toddler status, 7/05: My little girl has, without human interference, grown the hairstyle of Gene Clark circa 1965. Maybe there is a God.
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Gene Clark of the Byrds?
~Paul
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Current toddler status, 7/09: A little girl in clogs and barrettes danced gaily to the Teletubbies theme song while her food-poisoned dad sat on the couch, shivering and clutching a pillow to his chest.
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Current toddler status, 7/09: A little girl in clogs and barrettes danced gaily to the Teletubbies theme song while her food-poisoned dad sat on the couch, shivering and clutching a pillow to his chest.
Didn't Chekhov write a play about this? Like wasn't that the entire point of "The Cherry Orchard".. like teletubbies and food poisoning?
EDIT: 1700 posts, oh my!
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I am proud to say that I have never had food poisoning, possibly because I have been vegetarian or vegan for almost half of my life. Oh, and I don't drink water contaminated with human waste; really, Onstad, this is a basic no-no.
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I am proud to say that I have never had food poisoning, possibly because I have been vegetarian or vegan for almost half of my life. Oh, and I don't drink water contaminated with human waste; really, Onstad, this is a basic no-no.
Don't be smug. Plants go bad too. Lettuce, garlic, and other plants on or around the ground with neutral pH can be rife with botulinum spores. (Never store garlic under oil at room temperature for that reason). And honey, while not vegan per se, can kill the fuck out of an infant who eats it.
I'm not saying I wish food poisoning on you -- or should I say, if I do I'll be more discreet about it -- but your health is probably due to increased hygiene between field and plate, and not your vegetarian lifestyle.
All food, vegan and non-vegan, goes bad after 60 turns, except lichens, slime molds and lizards.
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Yeah man, if I was made to eat either sprouts from an unknown source or raw hamburger from the grocery store, I'd probably take the raw hamburger.
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Hey Bobby, nice to see you posting again.
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Yeah man, if I was made to eat either sprouts from an unknown source or raw hamburger from the grocery store, I'd probably take the raw hamburger.
Apples and oranges, man.
If you were to find sprouts growing in fresh cow shit, or if you freshly killed a giraffe and decided you wanted sushi, what would you eat? Tasty sashimi or shit-encrusted legumes?
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One of the biggest community outbreaks of food-borne illness in the recent past was traced to chopped green onions. As long as there are unhygienic people in the world and less-than-best practices are in place anywhere along the market chain, we will still be needing gatorade and immodium to get us through.
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One of the biggest community outbreaks of food-borne illness in the recent past was traced to chopped green onions. As long as there are unhygienic people in the world and less-than-best practices are in place anywhere along the market chain, we will still be needing gatorade and immodium to get us through.
I remember this. Up until this incident Baja Fresh put a grilled green onion on top of each burrito. Not that anybody got sick from Baja Fresh, they were just being justifiably cautious.
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All food, vegan and non-vegan, goes bad after 60 turns, except lichens, slime molds and lizards.
You need a tinning kit. Speaking of which, tiny can'd.
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This turn of the thread makes me want to assert my carnivore tendencies by eating a lizard.
A nice, fresh lizard, prepared in a clean environment. Mmmmmm. ("SaniLizard: The Safe, Fun Lizard")
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I am proud to say that I have never had food poisoning, possibly because I have been vegetarian or vegan for almost half of my life. Oh, and I don't drink water contaminated with human waste; really, Onstad, this is a basic no-no.
Hobot, when my SO and I got our food poisoning, it was from a vegan meal at a vegetarian restaurant. It was horrible. Horrible! Did I say it was horrible? It was horrible. So much vomit and... well, the other thing. My SO came through it in two and a half days, but for me it was at least three weeks, followed by perminant changes to the way my body digests things. It came to a point where I couldn't even hold down water. I was hospitalized. The doctors kept asking me what I had eaten, because they wanted to hear the classic story about a hamburger or giraffe. No. Broccoli, carrots, snow peas, rice noodles in green coconut curry sauce, rice and Pad Thai (rice noodles in peanut based sauce with sprouts sprinkled on top). Horrible. Horrible. So much unpleasantness. The most violent thing that ever happened to my body. F minus, minus - will not eat there again. If someone touches your food with contaminated hands, or if the food isn't properly washed or prepaired, it don't matter what the food is. This is the horrible lesson I learned. Horrible!
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Current toddler status, 7/10: The little girl's father is feeling better; he braved some chicken soup and toast today. They also practiced walking again (him, not her).
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Current toddler status, 7/10: The little girl's father is feeling better; he braved some chicken soup and toast today. They also practiced walking again (him, not her).
Oh 'Stad, using the ol' switcheroo there at the end! Why you're a regular Eddie Cantor!
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Current toddler status, 7/16: She doesn’t crawl anymore, so it is time to get the house ready for Hot Lava.
Ironically enough, in the past two days the baby here has become a toddler, learning to walk with such skill that she, too, no longer walks. It is entirely feasible that this Onstad fellow is shadowing my life with a hidden camera.
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Bobby has a kid?
Anyone else shocked by this possibility?
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Bobby has a kid?
Anyone else shocked by this possibility?
Whoa! Bobby, I didn't know you have a child.
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In all fairness Bobby didn't say it was explicitly his.
He said the baby "here"; and I suspect, knowing our bobby as I do, that he did so... for a reason?
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Maybe Bobby is just keeping a kid in the house. You know, for kicks.
I am reasonably sure that Bobby has not spawned offspring yet.
LET US HOPE THIS CONTINUES TO BE THE CASE
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My preferred theory is that Bobby is visiting with family of his relative who died of Scared Heart Syndrome (http://touamb.com/index.php/topic,2972.0.html).
My less preferred theory is that Bobby's current avatar is a picture of the mother of his child.
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Maybe Bobby is just keeping a kid in the house. You know, for kicks.
Having previously kept a kid around that was not mine, I know that there are no "kicks" to be had in your purposed situation. Strange babies offer very few kicks unless you're into irrational screaming, and desperately checking your watch to see when mommy's coming home.
Side note: Daddy's have a certain presence on this board, but the only mommy, JL, hasn't been around in fo' evah. Note to self: mommies have no time for tom-fool'ry. Note to self: avoid becoming a mommy.
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There are other mommies on the board, they're just conspicuously absent as well.
I'm looking in your direction, Va.
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Having previously kept a kid around that was not mine, I know that there are no "kicks" to be had in your purposed situation. Strange babies offer very few kicks unless you're into irrational screaming, and desperately checking your watch to see when mommy's coming home.
Maybe Jough meant "kicks" literally.
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If there's any better reason to keep a baby around than that, I haven't seen it yet.
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Maybe Jough meant "kicks" literally.
Hobot: good for a laugh.
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My preferred theory is that Bobby is visiting with family of his relative who died of Scared Heart Syndrome (http://touamb.com/index.php/topic,2972.0.html).
My less preferred theory is that Bobby's current avatar is a picture of the mother of his child.
FTW.
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FTW.
FTW? Female to Witch? Fun to watch? Fork to wash?
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FTW? Female to Witch? Fun to watch? Fork to wash?
(For The Win!)
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Fuck the World.
~Paul
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Current toddler status, 7/18: Grandma came to babysit today! My big self-indulgence was that I finally had time to scoop dog shit off the lawn, fix the sprinkler system, and renew our AAA membership.
And make a comic about squirrels getting gonorrhea. I wonder if the baby's grandmother is a regular reader.
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Maybe she is? (http://www.achewood.com/index.php?date=01102003)
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Maybe she is? (http://www.achewood.com/index.php?date=01102003)
I was reading today's updating as "[The baby's] grandma came to babysit today!" and we don't know if she reads the strip.
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We all were, Cort. Well, not that dumb fuck MisterQueue, but as long as we keep him tethered to the clothesline he can't wander too far.
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We all were, Cort. Well, not that dumb fuck MisterQueue, but as long as we keep him tethered to the clothesline he can't wander too far.
Play nice, Jough.
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That is playing nice.
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I'm picturing Mike Myers in his "Phillip the hyper hypo" getup. Only with Orson Welles' face. Very confusing.
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I'm picturing Mike Myers in his "Phillip the hyper hypo" getup. Only with Orson Welles' face. Very confusing.
A- are you watching me?
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Play nice, Jough.
Surely you've been around here long enough to realize that from Jough that was basically the equivalent of a big wet sloppy kiss.
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Surely you've been around here long enough to realize that from Jough that was basically the equivalent of a big wet sloppy kiss.
Shh! It's cute when she gets all protective.
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Surely you've been around here long enough to realize that from Jough that was basically the equivalent of a big wet sloppy kiss.
Well sure, if he said such a thing to anyone else I would marvel at his restraint, but I have to stand up for Q. We have that special kind of bond that only Internet-stalking can create.
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hob'-- another of my friends is in your area.
Except this one would fall in love with you and stalk you. So, um, do you want another stalker? He is very persistent, and only sometimes a dick about it.
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hob'-- another of my friends is in your area.
Except this one would fall in love with you and stalk you. So, um, do you want another stalker? He is very persistent, and only sometimes a dick about it.
Tempting, but I think I'll pass.
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yeah, too bad. he would have enjoyed it.
the most fun part: he has a girlfriend, and this has not stopped him from his Stalking.
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Current toddler status, 7/21: Oh man, tomorrow she is totally going to dance to the Gnarls Barkley website. Later we will explain that Gnarls Barkley is a tiny French Bulldog the size of a Coke can, and that he can get on an airplane without showing any identification to anyone.
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Current toddler status, 7/24: I was preoccupied during the small amount of time we spent together today. Later, this made me sad. I'm talking Radiohead sad.
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Man, Radiohead sad is like the worst kind of sad.
My boss came into work one day, it was a bleary, gray day out, he had walked and was wearing a rain slicker, with rivulets of rain cascading off and his head phones. I asked him how he was doing and he was all chipper and smiling. I said something to the effect that he must not be effected by the weather. He said it was either that or that listening to great music made him happy. I asked him what he was listening to. Radiohead. How can one walk in the rain, on a gray cloudy day, listening to Radiohead and not be made depressed? My brain can't work around this. But for some reason, the strangeness of it made me happy.
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How can one walk in the rain, on a gray cloudy day, listening to Radiohead and not be made depressed?
The themes of many of Radioheads songs involve sadness, but the awesomeness of the music and lyrical poetry overcome the sad themes creating a positive happy experience for the listener.
My brain can't work around this. But for some reason, the strangeness of it made me happy.
See, it even made you happy.
~Paul
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Current toddler status, 7/29: Today was the first day she wanted to hold my hand while walking. If you think that sounds cheesy, you can go fuck yourself.
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It's not cheesy that his little girl wanted to hold his hand while they walked. It's cheesy that he told us about it.
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It's not cheesy that his little girl wanted to hold his hand while they walked. It's cheesy that he told us about it.
No, it would be cheesy that he told us about it, except that he told us to go fuck ourselves. So it's OK.
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No, it would be cheesy that he told us about it, except that he told us to go fuck ourselves. So it's OK.
Does this mean that if I actually went and fucked myself it would be cheesy all over again?
Oh my goodness the recursion might kill us all!
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Enjoy it while you can, Onstad.
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Current toddler status, 7/30: Today she got up at five because she thought piano practice started then. Piano practice went until six-thirty.
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goddamnit, I want a little baby to want to hold my hand.
don't babies kind of instinctually hold onto things, though? Maybe now that she is a Toddler she is hell of independent? do they do that?
I think it is cute that the small one likes to bang on the ivories.
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goddamnit, I want a little baby to want to hold my hand.
You see? This is why you are creepy to mothers in your grocery store, you creep.
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goddamnit.
when I am much older, and have a loving wife, I would like for us to produce a baby, and I would like for the baby to grow into a young child, and I would like for the child to have the urge to hold my hand as he/she walks.
there is nothing creepy about the urge to one day procreate.
well... I suppose maybe there is. that lady was thinking "wow, it's so creepy that he enjoys babies. what a jerk... he'll probably want to have kids, like my creepy asshole husband."
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"Today she got up at five because she thought piano practice started then. Piano practice went until six-thirty."
Is the girl getting piano lessons now? This is insufferably cute, dammit.
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I assumed by "piano lessons", he meant "banging on the goddamned piano at all hours in an endless, tuneless cacophony."
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I assumed by "piano lessons", he meant "banging on the goddamned piano at all hours in an endless, tuneless cacophony."
I was just about to write something similar when I got the red message across the top of my reply window advising me that another post had already been made while I was composing mine!
So now instead of a screaming infant waking Chris and Liz at all hours, the baby instead escapes from her crib to bang on the piano for an hour and a half. If I were the Onstads, I'd get a lock for the piano to prevent the sweet baby from opening it at 5AM and playing. Damn, am I glad that I have cats.
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no, see, you don't get the parent mindset. at this age, banging on the piano is unbearably cute.
at least, I'd be all "oh man! she wants to make music! my daughter is going to be cool!"
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no, see, you don't get the parent mindset. at this age, banging on the piano is unbearably cute.
At five in the morning? Any of you parents of new babies want to weigh in on this one? Or are you too sleep-deprived to be reading the messageboard?
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I'm sure it can be both, no? It depends whether the whiskey already is in the body?
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man, come on. we all know you can't wake up with the whiskey already in you.
and ok, you're right. at 5 AM it is not cute.
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At five in the morning? Any of you parents of new babies want to weigh in on this one? Or are you too sleep-deprived to be reading the messageboard?
Onstad's kid is what, approaching 2? It's tough to let the kid have the ABILITY to wander the house unattended at that age - it could just as easily be " the baby got up at 5 am to wander to the utility closet and eat drain cleaner" or something. But if she's potty trained, you have to let her get to the bathroom....
Good age to get the toddler bed; also a good age to get a good gate for the doorway to her room.
When my oldest was 2, she would wake up at the crack of dawn (like 4:30 am in the mid summer in Chicago), stand at the gate and announce "Mommy Daddy get up! Lights are on outside!". Our doors were right next to each other in that house. Later, when she was potty trained and we had to remove the gate so she could get to the bathroom, she came into our room to announce daybreak. Almost every day.
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My sister was the family rooster for awhile too. No fun at all.
It's a good thing we're genetically driven to think they're the cutest things around, or we'd have been an evolutionary dead end millennia ago.
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It's a good thing we're genetically driven to think they're the cutest things around, or we'd have been an evolutionary dead end millennia ago.
I must be some kind of mu-tant or something then, because I don't think babies are cute at all.
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I must be some kind of mu-tant or something then, because I don't think babies are cute at all.
You're not the only one. To me they all look like encephalitic James Cagneys.
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Portable Zero Mostels...
No, not really, I really like the drooling, incontinent little ones.
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I hear when they're actually yours, they're cuter. I hope so anyway. I like kids and all, I just usually prefer to admire them from a distance, or at least play with them until they're cranky, then give them back to their owners.
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I hear when they're actually yours, they're cuter.
Well sure. I mean most people don't want to think that they went through nine months of hell only to find out that the result (and sometimes by extension, they themselves) is undeniably horrifying. That's why I am there.. to tell them.
at least I was until they kicked me out of the newborn ward down at the hospital.
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Current toddler status, 7/31: Are you the kind of dad that gets embarrassed when his toddler sees him naked, or just clothed? Because I’m both.
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On the subject of babies and the delicate cuteness/creepyness balance: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sx8e5Io63LY
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Current toddler status, 8/2: She had her first personal restaurant dish today, instead of sharing off of our plates. It was penne with butter. It was three dollars. Fifteen dollar ravioli had nothing on it.
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I had a dream that I was Teodor, and I was cooking a pasta dish for my friends.
and then they killed me by throwing a forklift at me. when the forklift missed, they pulled on a special chain attached to the lift part, and the forklift flew back to them, decapitating me.
that dream was funny, but made me want some pasta.
also, the rest of the dream involved discovering that my favorite TV show was somehow involved in kiddy porn, regular porn, and the fact that I was being attacked by a forklift.
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Current toddler status, 8/3: She walked straight to bed from the couch where we have bedtime stories, and climbed in! Next thing you know she will drive a car to college and marry a man named Clue Bucket. I do not miss the future.
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Current toddler status, 8/8. Teething, revisited: just when it couldn't get any worse, it got horrible again. (Molars edition)
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Current toddler status, 8/9: When bathtime is over, she starts humming the first few notes of Road Movie To Berlin, and looks at us unsurely
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Current toddler status, 8/9: When bathtime is over, she starts humming the first few notes of Road Movie To Berlin.
Even the Baby is subject to revision, it seems.
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I thought the "looks at us unsurely" part was made-up anyway.
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I thought the "looks at us unsurely" part was made-up anyway.
She's just confused because the printed lyrics don't match the actual song. See also: BNL - One Week.
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The baby is now a They Might Be Giants fan.
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They get her with "Here Come the ABCs" and "NO!" and then it just grows from there.
Soon she won't be able to sleep unless they call Dial-A-Song...
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Current toddler status, 8/14: We went to a birthday party for another toddler and everybody got confused and danced to something called Mega Frog.
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I was curious as to what Mega Frog is, but the search engine says "huh?"
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I assumed it has something to do with this frog that exists on the periphery of pop culture, (http://www.crazyfroghits.com/) since the only reason I can imagine for anyone dancing to this sort of music is by accident/confusion.
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I've noticed over the past couple years that thing has been going around, one day the frog's c*ck vanished.
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Current toddler status, 8/20: We took a plane ride to Los Angeles, and she added the word Bogus to her vocabulary.
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Current toddler status, 8/20: We took a plane ride to Los Angeles, and she added the word Bogus to her vocabulary.
Hahaha! I guess that they were sitting next to some crazy surfers, ah brah?
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Well, LA is pretty bogus, truth be told.
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Current toddler status, 8/27: Half an hour of topless peek-a-boo couldn't help but bring back bitter memories of why I lost my last job.
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Am I the only one who finds this one highly, highly disturbing?
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yeah, wtfuck Onstad?
onstad? more like bad-touch-stad!
we have talked before about why it is not OK to make jokes like this... but he was setting himself up for this one.
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No no - it's bottomless peek-a-boo that we'd find disturbing.
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Current toddler status, 8/29: We joined a little pre-school thing that meets once a week, and we are in charge of the Play-Doh station.
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I assumed it has something to do with this frog that exists on the periphery of pop culture, (http://www.crazyfroghits.com/) since the only reason I can imagine for anyone dancing to this sort of music is by accident/confusion.
what the motherfuck... IS ... this
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what the motherfuck... IS ... this
This may jog your memory:
Buurrrrmmmmmmmmm-bading-ding-ding-dididiDING-ding-diBAWWwwwwwwmmmmmmm-baBrmmmmmm-BRRRAAUUUUMMMRMMMMMM etc
(although that's the 'Crazy frog' not the Mega frog (of whom I've never heard))
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what the motherfuck... IS ... this
The end of civilsation...
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Crazy frog?
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Crazy frog?
You... you don't know? Let us talk no more of it.
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Crazy Frog was, like, revenge for the Boston Tea Party.
The British made up the most annoying song ever, had a deformed CGI frog with an ambiguous outtie-navel/c*ck thing sing it... and then attached it to every click-thru ad on the entire internet until teenagers started "liking it" through the power of hypnosis and hipsters started "fake liking it" through the power of all-hipsters-are-incredible-douchebags and... it started playing in other places too. As in Everywhere Places.
I still hear the goddamned thing in my nightmares.
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Crazy Frog was, like, revenge for the Boston Tea Party.
The British made up the most annoying song ever
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erik_Wernquist (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Erik_Wernquist)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daniel_Malmedahl (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daniel_Malmedahl)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Axel_F (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Axel_F)
Don't pin this one on us yank
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Don't pin this one on us yank
Damn straight, a can for you, Sir.
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I have no idea what you are talking about.
let's keep it that way.
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Current toddler status, 8/30: If, in the next five months, I find myself on the way home from IKEA with yet another full truckload of bright plastic crap, I'm going to shut my hand in a drawer until I die.
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Crazy Frog was, like, revenge for the Boston Tea Party.
The first time I encountered this "crazy" "frog" was on the internet several years ago in a flash animation. The sound was accompanied by a small, single frame of a formula-1 car and the sound looped endlessly. About a year later, a suspicious, foriegn-based company selling cell phone ring tones and wallpapers [funds terrorism] called "Jamster" had paired the sound with the animated frog with the aviator goggles. It was Jamster that first labeled this likeness the "Crazy Frog." Jamster was the first of these cell-phone-billing-scam-companies. A few more surfaced, but I no longer see them on television ads.
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Current toddler status, 9/4: I'm learning to sing while playing the guitar during bathtime. So far all my rhymes are about a Bear in his Underwear. I really have to concentrate pretty hard just to hit the chord changes, so lyrical content takes a backseat.
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Apparently my playing may have been the root cause of Asherbaby spewing milk out his mouth and both nostrils simultaneously.
Everyone's a critic!
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no... for a baby, that is the highest form of praise.
my baby cousin enjoys my singing and playing of "Son of a Gun" by the Vaselines.
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Current toddler status, 9/10: Unsuccessfully piloted pink plastic trike car down deck steps (scraped nose, forehead), wore hand-me-down Princess dress with missing velcro wings. If you are directing a music video please commission these visuals.
(I know this isn't about me but: Three thousand posts. OMG.)
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Current toddler status, 9/11: Television raised the child while I paid a few bills and made a sandwich. After that, the Magna Doodle raised her while I wrote to some friends. I can't figure out who's raising her now; I can't see her.
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Current toddler status, 9/14: This might sound entirely cheesy and made-up, but today we literally went side-by-side down a great big wide slide together.
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Current toddler status, 9/18: She goes to a little school now, 2 hours a week, including snack break. This is the same schedule I used to make Stanford bearable.
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dude, that is such the li(f)e. I wish I could get away with that... in fact, I wish I had not decided to do extra hours. why the fuck did I do that.
I have never tried to be an overachiever. but, you know, "hey, I want to take an extra class! what the hell, it can't be that hard!"
(in reality... so far, it isn't. but I am afraid that it Will Be, and I am thinking about the More Sleep I'd be having if I were taking one class fewer.)
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This semester I have am 8:30 AM class five days a week. I wish I was going somewhere for two hours a week plus snack.
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But what we can all learn from this is that it is really essential to remember to schedule a snack break.
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Dude, I know it's whining, okay? It's just that this is the class that I have on top of my lab rotation, which I'm led to understand is basically a full-time job (or more, if you like being published), so it's like adding insult to injury. I am aware that I am insulated from the outside world and thus deserve no respect from anyone not in academe, thank you.
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I have never understood this kind of comment. Yes, it sucks to wake up for an 8 AM class. it sucks more to get up for a 7 AM job. Do degrees not exist anymore?
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Inev, someday you too will be Old and will be a messageboard curmudgeon, all Youth is Wasted On The Young, like me and Ash. Then you will understand.
Speaking of which, does anyone else think that toddler updates have just never been as good baby updates?
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These young punks today just don't know how good they gots it.
Now git off'n my lawn!
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By the way, it's bullshit that college is the best years of your life. You couldn't pay me to be twenty again. We're just jealous because if we went back to that life now, it would seem easy and fun, because we know what we know now and have all the skills we've gained since then. But if we old folk were actually twenty again without all the experience we have accumulated, it would suck for a second time.
The thing is, don't you think baby updates were snarkier? Toddler updates are sometimes actually, OMG, cute.
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There really should not be a "best years" -- it seems like for me, the best years were always 4/5 years ago, but instead of distancing myself from them as time passes, this time buffer remains constant. So it's all nostalgia anyway. Unless, of course, you get yourself stuck in a thoughtless job and never have time to take a train across russia.
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By the way, it's bullshit that college is the best years of your life. You couldn't pay me to be twenty again. We're just jealous because if we went back to that life now, it would seem easy and fun, because we know what we know now and have all the skills we've gained since then. But if we old folk were actually twenty again without all the experience we have accumulated, it would suck for a second time.
The thing is, don't you think baby updates were snarkier? Toddler updates are sometimes actually, OMG, cute.
College was awesome. I would go back in a second.
Also, I read that quote header as "The Dick in Asherdan's Hand". That was funny.
And, finally, I'm almost 40 and now I work 5am to 2pm. First non 9-5er in my life. That SUCKS, y'all.
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With regards to the college thing, just because I'm another whiney ingrate:
I'm in my honours year so I go into the lab I work at every day, usually from about 9ish till 5 or 6 (sometimes I stay later but thats really just because the net here is better than at home so it doens't really count) then on thursdays I go straight from there to the petrol station where I work a few hours till 9. On friday I go home and get a couple of hours sleep so I can work the graveyard from 10pm to 7am then usually have to go straight to sleep so I can wake up and work the 5 to 8 shift on saturday afternoon. Then I get to have sunday morning all to myself until I have to go in and work another stupidly short shift sunday night.
Now these are all choices I've made and I'm happy with them, I love uni and my job is tolerable but when my dad talks to me about how hard it will be in the 'real world' and how these are the best years of my life (particularly from a guy who works 9-4 in an office so quiet he frequently falls asleep in the middle of the day) I have to double check for some sort of facial tic that would let me know he's making some sort of joke.
For my money what makes uni (college, whatever) so much better than paid work is the amount of self-direction, that in itself is wonderfully satsifying and something I imagine you have to work for a while to achieve in the work-a-day world.
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Current toddler status, 9/19: Her favorite new activity: beating on the bathroom door like a rowdy gang of Ecuadorean soccer fans when all you want in the world is some peace and quiet with an improving book.
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Current toddler status, 9/24: I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die but also, he had taken the last two TMX Elmo dolls, and I'd driven six hours.
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Current toddler status, 9/25: I know exactly where I was when Kurt Cobain died. Where will she be when Justin Timberlake is crushed by a giant hog dropped from a crane? Probably right by my side, in our family crane, holding the camera.
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my ex remembered where she was, despite being like 4 at the time. because her mom traumatised her by telling her "you know that song you like? the pretty one where he says "come as you are?" That man died. He killed himself with a gun."
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But he swore that he didn't have a gun!
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Ummm, lies again
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I remember that, clearly. Spent the rest of the day in a haze, but playing it cool.
Next day I came back home from college, went to see my best friend. He had bruises on his face, from a college party he went to where some guys were joking about Kurt's death. Some argument ensued, and fists were thrown.
Those were more innocent times, the '90s.
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Wait, you're telling me that wasn't the "day music died" that old blues singer Madonna Louise used to sing about?
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I know what I was doing when I heard John Lennon died. Kurt Cobain, not so much.
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Kurt Cobain is dead?
But seriously folks... Toddler updates seem to have gotten better since I complained that they weren't as good as baby updates. I thought it was only fair of me to mention this. I am sorry for complaining about my free entertainment.
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I was in Las Vegas. We were out driving around, and on the radio they were playing a bunch of Nirvana songs. Some guy called in going "I just can't handle it, man!" and the DJ told him everything would be OK.
Then we were at the Holy Cow, and they had the TV behind the bar on CNN with no sound. They were cutting back and forth between Nirvana videos and some talking head. We looked at each other and asked "Is Cobain dead?"
Yep. We didn't find out for sure until we got home.
At least I saw them live. Dobbs in Philly.
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I was at home at night, watching the news. The anchorwoman read the header which said only, in that sexy/utterly clueless way that rich foreign tourists find so exotic in our people when they arrive at our beaches: "macabre rock: rocker kills himself".
I remember going to my bedroom and removing the one Nirvana poster I had. It didn't seem... appropriate anymore, for some reason.
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If I woke up one day married to Courtney Love, I have to admit I'd probably eat some birdshot.
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yeah, I was doing such as Eating and Sleeping and going to kindergarden. I was not aware in any way that this fellow was alive, or even that Good Music existed (beyond "Sgt Pepper's," which I requested incessantly.)
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Courtney Love used to be hot.
Anyway, I don't really remember exactly where I was when I heard he died, but I wasn't surprised at all. I didn't even hear it was suicide, just that he died, but I figured it was probably suicide.
I do remember where I was when John Lennon died, though - driving with my mom right outside of 30th St. station in Phillly. She was crying.
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I remember where I was when I heard Freddy Mercury died. I had a dream about him the night before.
~Paul
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I'll bet you did, Panama Red.
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Current toddler status, 10/01: Did you know that if you are working on a sprinkler head, and it starts spraying the kid while your head is down, the kid will just stand there in the spray and cry?
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man, that is adorable.
it reminds me of the Baby laughing so hard that she got scared and cried.
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I think one of the most amazing things about raising kids is experiencing the world again as though you were new to it. Obviously it works the same way for distressing experiences as it does for happy ones. How would the kid know if she moved then the unpleasant water spray would end? For all she knew, the world had suddenly become a stingingly cold wet place where you can't open your eyes. Maybe she thought she'd teleported to Vancouver.
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Current toddler status, 10/02: It’s been a long time (well, maybe six years) since I spent a lazy afternoon just “getting” carpet.
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I hope 'stad didn't skimp on underpadding. Them toddlers fall alot and I'm sure the extra bounce would prevent additional brain trauma.
ALSO: Hope he got the kind that doesn't lint up much. It's that much less 'floor crap' for toddler to stuff in the mouth.
(See how I'm trying to link that stupid update to the toddler somehow? I should not have to work at this, dammit!)
I don't think he bought any, I think the kid was just looking closely at the carpet and understanding it.
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i don't know... imagining someone spending an afternoon getting carpet brings to mind an entirely different connotation for me.
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You think they're busy making a new baby Linnea?
I thought he just meant lying around on carpet, in the same way one might 'get' a wave while surfing. But less active and with more toddler watching.
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He's not just smoking pot?
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That too, but with the toddler. Wouldn't be a toddler update otherwise.
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Current toddler status, 10/06: We finally had the big “******” fight.
Would someone like to enlighten me on what the fuck a big ##### fight is?
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trying to make the toddler wear ******?
An argument with his wife over how ##### and ***** will be treated as swear words around the toddler in the Onstad household.
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trying to make the toddler wear ******?
This is a lot less creepy and makes a lot more sense than my previous idea.
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It's a fuck-fight. Like you know how sometimes you'll wrestle around with your girlfriend and then fuck her? Just like that.
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oh, of course! I know all about that!
I think I might not get part of the game, though, because she kept yelling "Rape! Rape!"
I'm sorry. I know that is not OK to joke about. Sometimes I just can't restrain myself. I do not actually have any experience with the Fick Ficht.
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oh, of course! I know all about that! I think I might not get part of the game, though, because she kept yelling "Rape! Rape!"
I'm sorry. I know that is not OK to joke about. Sometimes I just can't restrain myself. I do not actually have any experience with the Fick Ficht.
From this and your other post about giving your roommate some private time, (sleeping on the floor of some lady, etc.) I'm thinking you need someone lovely to coat from head to toe in Astroglide so thickly that, from lack of friction, one of you flies off the other from the bed and slams into an adjacent wall. This, I think, is an issue you need to address - post haste.
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From this and your other post about giving your roommate some private time, (sleeping on the floor of some lady, etc.) I'm thinking you need someone lovely to coat from head to toe in Astroglide so thickly that, from lack of friction, one of you flies off the other from the bed and slams into an adjacent wall. This, I think, is an issue you need to address - post haste.
Dayum. I just... uh... whoa.
You sure do write good, Mel.
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Oh, I have someone who I will theoretically get to do such things with. some day.
but she's so far away. oh dear. I get to see her this friday, though.
So, if me making an awkward rape joke means that about me, what about Q?
also: I really need to stop talking about the whole sleeping-on-floor thing. It just brings out more questions than it answers. Normally such as "don't you have a girlfriend?" "Why couldn't you have slept on some boy's floor?" "What's this I hear about ($girl) saying (details removed to protect the innocent)"
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also: I really need to stop talking about the whole sleeping-on-floor thing. It just brings out more questions than it answers. Normally such as "don't you have a girlfriend?" "Why couldn't you have slept on some boy's floor?" "What's this I hear about ($girl) saying (details removed to protect the innocent)"
No need to explain, man, it's really a no-brainer. Dude's dorms's floors are always covered with chip (crisp) crumbs and spilled soda. Chick's dorms's floors are usually littered with girls' clothes, perfect for pillows and perversion.
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Chick's dorms's floors are usually littered with girls' clothes, perfect for pillows and perversion.
They also smell much nicer.
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oh, no. actually it was "oh, dan, don't sleep on the floor! my bed is plenty big for both of us."
basically. damn. I have not told anyone I know in Real Life that part of the story, but, I mean, it's the best part!
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Nothing good could come of telling real life people that part, the ones you'd want to impress wouldn't believe you and the ones who would be horrified and offended (like your potential astroglide applicator) would.
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yeah. well, I mean, people who know this girl would know she was just being nice. and... joking? I choose to think she was joking. and just being nice. Because otherwise I might break.
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get into the bed and have a ##### fight with her!
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Current toddler status, 10/11: I let her play with an opened-up old junker computer. Is that bad? I figured the capacitors were all leaked out by now.
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Current toddler status, 10/15: There was this family thing where we were at an IHOP in San Luis Obispo this morning, and they let us have the Speech Room where the Lions hold their AA or whatever. It was great because all the kids could run around and bounce off of lecterns and throw milk at chairs.
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Current toddler status, 10/23: If a painter had come to our house and made a painting of what was going on after bathtime, he would have titled it, “Tiny Nude With Red Galoshes.”
is so cute. babies with red shoes are nice.
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Current toddler status, 10/25: To her, playing soccer means yelling “SOCCER!” at a soccer ball. The apple does not fall far from the tree.
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Current toddler status, 10/25: To her, playing soccer means yelling “SOCCER!” at a soccer ball. The apple does not fall far from the tree.
Hasn't Onstad used the "apples does not fall far from the tree" before? I'm going to have to search this thread to CJ it.
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Current toddler status, 10/29: "Mr.Creative" still hasn't come up with a good Halloween costume for his daughter. Perhaps... Achewood Volume III? I just don't know.
So, just, like sandwich the kid between two over sized book covers?
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OK, that is funny. Like the cobbler's children going barefoot, webcomic artist version.
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Current toddler status, 10/31: We watched YouTube and learned about Cyndi Lauper.
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Current toddler status, 11/1: For Halloween she was a grumpy bee who refused to leave the house.
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All that "Mr. Creative" agonizing thrown out by the whims of a toddler.
HA
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Current toddler status, 11/1: For Halloween she was a grumpy bee who refused to leave the house.
So did she eat a Snickers bar, wrapper and all?
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Current toddler status, 11/1: For Halloween she was a grumpy bee who refused to leave the house.
You know, you think your kids are so smart, and then they prove that they're still little kids and basically dumb. Our daughter likes to create drama around the putting on of shoes and stuff before leaving the house. Tuesday night we were prepping to take her out for trickrtreating, and at the mention of putting on her shoes she dashed about the house at random and was generally ornery.
Child, we aren't taking you to the doctor or something else dreadful. We are talking about trick or treating. We are taking you out so our neighbors can give you motherfuck*ng candy, great handfuls of it. Also, you get to wear a costume. You are only spiting yourself.
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Current toddler status, 11/7: We have successfully taught her to call a man's chest hair his "macho."
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I laughed harder at the baby update than I did at the strip today.
I think Onstad has also succeeded in teaching me to call a man's chest hair his "macho." Priceless.
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Current toddler status, 11/12: Slowly ruining the gears of the motorized “James” train engine. Used the toilet again. In all, a draw.
James the Tank Engine:
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v604/Davelestoner/James.gif)
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Current toddler status, 11/13: She Caddyshacked the tub.
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Doody!
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I was going to ask someone to explain this one but after reading the last post, maybe not.
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I was going to ask someone to explain this one but after reading the last post, maybe not.
Apparently wombat needs to add Caddyshack to her movie list.
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Doody!
TCODP for beating me to the most relevant reaction. Wombat should add Caddyshack to the list most definitely.
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Oh no, no one's added the latest one yet!
Current toddler status, 11/19: She got hugged by some anonymous boy-toddler at the park. Even at this age, dads instinctively start to find fault with the little fellow.
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Current toddler status, 11/25: Saturday: We went to a beer garden at 11:30am and it turned out to be a great parenting decision.
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Current toddler status, 11/27 —
Tights: 0
Carseat Temper Tantrum: 1
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Current toddler status, 12/02 —
We scored a plastic play-house thing the size of a cubicle. It will sit in the yard and get worse until we have to feel terrible about throwing it in a landfill.
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Current toddler status, 12/04:
At her direction, the little advent cupboard is now full of Weebles, Weeble furniture, and large pieces of cereal.
OMG i got one before Judy!
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Current toddler status, 12/04:
At her direction, the little advent cupboard is now full of Weebles, Weeble furniture, and large pieces of cereal.
OMG i got one before Judy!
I blame Onstad for not updating early enough.
Have a can on me, anyhow.
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You know, for a second I thought "OMG I got one before Judy!" was an actual part of the baby update, and lo, I was confused.
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Current toddler status, 12/10:
She is trying her hardest to concoct sentences, but most of the time the undertaking strains and rattles so hard that it collapses into a heap of nouns and bruised infinitives.
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my cousin is learning animal names and noises.
he makes such astute social commentary as refusing to call a Chihuahua-in-arms a "puppy;" it is obviously a kitty. he meows at them.
he also follows around their cat, and yells at her if she climbs on the pieces of furniture she is not supposed to go on.
goddamn, kids are so cute (especially when you only get the highlights reel.)
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Current toddler status, 12/15
I've always dreaded sitting on Santa's lap. Why must we subject her to it? He's doing nothing more than collecting market data for his host mall, anyways. Bah.
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Current toddler status, 12/15
I've always dreaded sitting on Santa's lap. Why must we subject her to it? He's doing nothing more than collecting market data for his host mall, anyways. Bah.
Thanks for the new avvie. I like to think that your toddler looks up to see that every time it wakes up in the morning.
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Shane MacGowan's baby updates? Top idea, Nabu.
Current toddler status, 7/6
She has large gaps between her teeth. The apple does not fall far from the tree.
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Current toddler status, 7/13
Toddler whereabouts unknown. Extremely drunk. Everything will be fine.
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I like this meme.
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That 7/13 one is Awesome2
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Yeah it pretty much nailed Shane McGowan.
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I don't want to nail Shane McGowan.
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I don't want to nail Shane McGowan.
Ah, but what stories you'd have, eh?
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Shane McGowan romance update 12/19: During an extremely aroused moment he bit into my arm last week. Bits of rotten, crumbled teeth are working their way out of my skin like shrapnel today.
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my cousin is learning animal names and noises.
he makes such astute social commentary as refusing to call a Chihuahua-in-arms a "puppy;" it is obviously a kitty. he meows at them.
he also follows around their cat, and yells at her if she climbs on the pieces of furniture she is not supposed to go on.
goddamn, kids are so cute (especially when you only get the highlights reel.)
That is awesome. Chihuahas are clearly not dogs. They aren't cats either, but I imagine your cousin just didn't know what sound rats make.
My kid thinks rabbits are a form of small dog. Also, he wowed his speech therapist last week by accurately and realistically mimicking a hoss's whinny. He also knows that a cow says moo, a sheep says baa, and three singing pigs say la la la.
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That is awesome. Chihuahas are clearly not dogs. They aren't cats either, but I imagine your cousin just didn't know what sound rats make.
My kid thinks rabbits are a form of small dog. Also, he wowed his speech therapist last week by accurately and realistically mimicking a hoss's whinny. He also knows that a cow says moo, a sheep says baa, and three singing pigs say la la la.
Oh. my. GOD. That is such a cute story. I envy you, and I hope that someday I can have chilluns as cute as Pearce.
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He also knows that a cow says moo, a sheep says baa, and three singing pigs say la la la.
Amen to that! But not the hippopotamus.
If you ask my youngest "What does a lion say?", she will say "Woawr." Which is approximately the cutest thing in the universe.
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Current toddler status, 12/21
When parenting, remember not to yell, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SCREAMING ABOUT?! STOP IT!"
I can relate, dude. Totally.
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Current toddler status, 12/25
Her favorite gift: little wind-up mailman Jeep. My favorite gift of hers: a small hand-puppet bear in a sleeping bag, whom you can pretend has had too much Keystone and would give anything not to have to get up and take a searing pee.
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Current toddler status, 12/29
She said "I love you!" to me for the first time! Then she said it to the chair, a ball, and half a packet of Halls Mentho-Lyptus cough drops.
Wow, just like my special lady!
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Current toddler status, 12/29
She said "I love you!" to me for the first time! Then she said it to the chair, a ball, and half a packet of Halls Mentho-Lyptus cough drops.
Wow, just like my special lady!
That sounds familiar, excepting you replace chair, ball and cough drops with . . .
.
.
.
.
Watch it goddamn it, it's the fuck*ng holidays.
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Current toddler status, 1/5
Were Bert and Ernie's bodies always this big? I thought they used to be smaller.
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I love Bert and Ernie. Me and kellichou had Bert and Ernie dolls as children that we adored. Ernie lost part of his arm in some unknown battle so my mom stitched him back up. Kelli, do you remember that?
Also, I can no longer think about Bert and Ernie without thinking about Ray as a simpleton who gets most of his calories from Bert and Ernie dolls.
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Beef = Bert
Ray = Ernie
Discuss
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I feel like that would have to be the other way around. Beef is too passive to be Bert.
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I feel like that would have to be the other way around. Beef is too passive to be Bert.
No way... Ernie is so gregarious that he'd have to be Ray. Bert is too anal and uptight to be Ray.
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Current toddler status, 1/7
Dammit, I just caught her ghost riding the whip.
.
.
.
.
This is my favorite toddler status update ever. Onstad is getting hella hyphy.
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Ghost riding the whip is hell of dangerous in the SF bay area, too. He's right to be concerned with those steep hills and such.
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Current toddler status, 1/7
Dammit, I just caught her ghost riding the whip.
I know those words but this post makes no sense
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Thank you for not making me say it first, Cort.
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I haven't seen this done before, yet apparently it originated in the Bay area (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghost_ride_the_whip). Huh. You learn something new every day.
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I feel like that would have to be the other way around. Beef is too passive to be Bert.
I beg to differ. You actcually start watching this stuff, and you realize Ernie's whole reason for being is just to give Bert crap. Bert mostly protests that he'd rather be listening to the Pigeon Hour on the radio or something, and then he gets made the fool by Ernie.
"Hey there lamp, that's a nice shade!"
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A quick search on youtube should give you a good idea on what ghost riding the whip is. It is even being used ironically by hipster/emo/etc. bands in music videos already.
Weird thing: I never read the baby updates on the site, but if they are good on this page I go and read them at achewood.com. Like, I think you fuckers are lying to me, or something. I don't really know why.
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Do you suppose she was doing it in order to expose blame on DAN JOHNSON?! (http://youtube.com/watch?v=SlTvSUCCqPo)
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what really bothers me is that I already knew this phrase, but not what it meant. I do not listen to anything Hyphey other than that new DJ Shadow Track with Keak da Sneek. Where would I have heard this? I can hear it in my head. I have always wondered what it meant.
(but I am refusing to click on the link to what it actually means.)
not really.
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Current toddler status, 1/9
Childhood Vomit Management Tip No. 28: Do not vomit on a dog. Dogs move around a lot, and are unpleasant to bathe.
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I don't know about that, I'd consider dogs self bathing, especially if the tyke had recently had tasty grubbings.
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OMG, so gross. Trust me, dogs do not bathe themselves well enough for that. Especially if it's a small dog that is likely to sleep on the bed with you.
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OMG, so gross. Trust me, dogs do not bathe themselves well enough for that. Especially if it's a small dog that is likely to sleep on the bed with you.
I'm now picturing Wombat saying "ohmygod" in a valley girl voice. For those of you who have never met her IRL let me assure you that this is hilarious.
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I'm now picturing Wombat saying "ohmygod" in a valley girl voice.
That exact image justifies in it's ownself my nasty-ass firrst post.
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Heheheheeee!! I'm laughing maniacally right now. Omba, I would like you to make a recording of you saying "OHMIGOD" in a Valley girl voice. Pure comedic gold, right there.
It also helps that work got canceled due to 90-mile-an-hour winds, and I'm sitting at home, and my bottles of Timbuktu and Muscs Koublai Khan (expensive perfume in case you're wondering) just came in the post, and I'm drinking a beer, and GOD DAMMIT LIFE IS GOOD RIGHT NOW IN Somebody niceTOWN.
<3
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As long as this is the "cute things my kids do" thread...
Quote during bath tonight: "Can you give me another washcloth? This one's all vaginey."
I think I have a new favorite word.
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As long as this is the "cute things my kids do" thread...
Quote during bath tonight: "Can you give me another washcloth? This one's all vaginey."
I think I have a new favorite word.
OH MY CUUUUUUUTE!
Hahahaha!
I'm in our production of the pu$$y Monologues, so I am THRILLED to hear that. How hilarious.
I have to read the saddest one out of the play, which is "My pu$$y Was My Village" which was written by Ensler in honor of the women survivors in Bosnia/Serbia/Kosovo. I have it memorized now but I think that the next time I have to go to rehearsal I'll probably cry through it anyway. The atrocities that are going on around the world and in Darfur are just...horrible.
Anyway... I'm really excited about our production, I think it's going to be very good.
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Current toddler status, 1/15
I cannot find the light-activated toy that makes a rooster noise every time I turn the light off in her room. It’s getting to be a problem.
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Its probably a puzzle. My daughter has one with vehicles (cars, motorcycles, ambulances, boats) and if its not assembled all the way a (seemingly) random uncovered one will make its sound when you switch off/ turn on a light in the room. Then I get in big trouble. Girl likes her zzzz's.
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Current toddler status, 1/15
I cannot find the light-activated toy that makes a rooster noise every time I turn the light off in her room. It’s getting to be a problem.
I feel like...shouldn't it make the rooster noise whenever he turns ON the light??
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Current toddler status, 1/16:
Lady and the Tramp continuity error, scene one: the newspaper that Jim Dear places next to Lady’s bed-basket is omitted from all subsequent depictions of her bed-basket.
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isn't it Jim Darling? I think it is, Mr Onstad.
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isn't it Jim Darling? I think it is, Mr Onstad.
I thought the Darlings were in Peter Pan.
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I thought the Darlings were in Peter Pan.
JestR'd!
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0048280/ (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0048280/)
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dang. I was sure enough that I didn't look it up.
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Current toddler status, 1/22
Schrödinger's Free Sample: the free soup sample at the store which your child simultaneously must have, yet absolutely hates and throws to the ground, only to scream for it once more.
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Current toddler status, 1/22
Schrödinger's Free Sample: the free soup sample at the store which your child simultaneously must have, yet absolutely hates and throws to the ground, only to scream for it once more.
Ugh... I do not have the patience for children. I get frazzled enough when Lenny starts yelling and won't stop, and he's just a kitty. The other day I was in the middle of making chili, and as I was chopping onions Lenny started hollering for attention. Bad time to yell, Lennypie! Mom is busy! Dammit...he won't stop yelling. Man, he is REALLY insistent! Stop prepping ingredients, turn burner down to low, wash hands twice to get onion smell off, dry hands furiously, and spend a few minutes hugging and petting the Lennybruce. Kitty is happy, I can go back to food preparation.
Well, maybe I *would* make a good parent. My little bratty-brat starts yelling, and I take time to go comfort him. HOWEVER...a cat can entertain himself. A child is a metric-shit-ton more work than I could ever possibly fathom.
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I love children, as long as they're other peoples'. I have no desire to be a parent. I thoroughly agree with the assessment that they are a "metric shit-ton" more work than pets. I'm a teacher, so I get enough interaction with kids to feel all maternal and whatever, but it's nice that at 3:00 I can go home and not have to deal with anyone else's needs but my own.
I do enjoy the kid updates though. I've gotten some new vernacular out of them, for instance referring to a man's chest hair as his "macho." It's in my vocabulary now, like I'll find myself saying to a girlfriend, "Oh, he's got wonderful macho."
They're useful. For a chuckle, at least; and for new vocab, at best.
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Current toddler status, 1/25
She tells small stories now. Did you know that at the zoo, OWL...SLEEPING...TIRED?
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Did you know that at the zoo, OWL...SLEEPING...TIRED?
Nice lead up, the intro was sufficiently vague to keep a good feeling of suspense. I had originally suspected you might continue to the chimpanzee, an ironic metaphor for their blatant captivity compared to our blind belief in freedom in a controlling society, but the owl caught me by surprise. I felt that once the owl, normally associated with its ever-present vigilance, has suddenly become tired, sleeping and missing the downfall of our society. While the watcher rests, the rats, so to say, roam free, giving the unmentionables of society even more power and letting them chew on our electrical wires and leave tiny turds of oppression in our cabinets and garages. My only criticism is that you failed to expound further on your ideas, possibly holding on to that classic proverb, brevity is the soul of wit. And this dark and prophetic tale certainly has the prospect of becoming one of the great tales of classic literature for many years to come.
Unfortunately, we wasted our budget on The DaVinci Code 2. Better luck next time.
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"Current toddler status, 2/1
When pressed into service for a twenty-five minute bedtime narrative, the generative technique of “free association” proves far superior to the traditional storytelling methods of plot development, resolution, and moral allegory."
This... this is kind of sad to me. My favourite bedtime story I can remember from childhood is this one about a chicken and a... rabbit, I think? So the rabbit and chicken lived in this house in the woods, and the chicken would tell the rabbit not to go into the woods, but the rabbit would anyway, and then it would get lost, and yell to the chicken for help, and the chicken heard it, and took it back home, and this happened twice, but the third time, the rabbit wandered so far into the woods that when it got lost and yelled, the chicken could not hear it, so it died. As I said at the beginning, this is my favourite childhood bedtime story.
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when I was a kid my dad told really good bedtime stories. i mean, I assume he still would, if called into service.
The best was a story which had many variants, involving the place/planet/town where they say everything twice everything twice. As a child, I found this concept hilarious.
it makes me kind of sad that as I got older, it turned into a weird Star Trek thing. I have a kind of depressing memory of liking Star Trek entirely because I thought my dad liked it-- which makes me think that even at that young age, I realized that I was missing out on male bonding by not being into sports.
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My dad used to read me the American Declaration of Independence, and also the US Constitution, as bedtime stories. I think he thought it would make me fall asleep, but I found them fascinating and would often request them at bedtime.
*cries* God, I'm such a geek.
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My favorite bedtime story was the one about Galileo And The Scientific Method. In general my dad's bedtime stories were all kind of about Religion and Science competing for my allegiance, and Science winning.
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I didn't get bedtime stories.
Ever.
...
I guess I'm supposed to be scarred by this, or something?
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Nah. I didn't get any bedtime stories either. And I turned out fine.
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For a time, Mrs. del Vaca took my our oldest to a weekly playgroup at a church near our house. At the final meeting before summer break, they gave all the kids little children's Bibles. And now she sometimes requests stories from it at bedtime.
Which freaks me the hell out, since we're not really Christians.
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No, that's perfectly appropriate - she clearly recognizes the stories as fiction, then, right?
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yeah. my sister used to get upset when we didn't pray before meals-- "but my teacher says you have to do that!"
that was a bad scene in general.
also the time my mom found out that my sister's babysitter was reading her stories out of The Watchtower.
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No, that's perfectly appropriate - she clearly recognizes the stories as fiction, then, right?
Uh, no. She has said she believes in Jesus.
Whether she actually understands what that means is open to debate, of course.
We want to find a "World Religions for Kids" book of some sort, so we can get it into her head that there's lots of interpretations of this religion thing.
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See, as a churchgoing Christian person, I'm actually pretty offended by the idea of people who attempt to educate other people's children about religion without express permission.
I'm a little nervous about sending my kids to Sunday School classes because regardless of what the church believes you never know what some whacked-out teacher is going to tell them. For instance, the church my parents go to had to kick out a husband and wife who were basically Morman spies pretending to be Baptists to they could indoctrinate preschoolers. And another guy at the same church told the entire high school youth group that Catholics aren't really Christians and therefore will burn in hell.
And then there's the other side of the coin. When I was growing up, Sunday school was basically where we sat in a circle and colored pictures and listened to "bible stories" which were presented like fairy tales. It's like being a Christian is about learning a collection of stories that promote a common body of literature but serve no instructive purpose. I'd rather have someone tell my kid that there is no God but Allah and Muhammed is his prophet so that when he comes home and asks me what that means we can have a meaningful conversation about why different people believe different things.
But that might just be me.
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Current toddler status, 2/7
Lady and the Tramp continuity error no. 2: in the classic meatball/spaghetti sequence, Tramp has a 3cm lipoma that is not present in the rest of the film.
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a totally revolting picture of a lipoma (http://pathweb.uchc.edu/eAtlas/Images/Bone/6391b.gif)
the tramp doesn't know what he's in for. (thanks, wikipedia!)
EDITED by V because I was eating and do not want to see this image repeatedly every time I open this thread
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I had a lipoma on my back that was the size of a golf ball. Lipomas are ALMOST ALWAYS benign.
Apparently Labrador Retrievers get them a lot, too.
It was a simple outpatient procedure to get it removed. It wasn't as fascinating as I thought to see it removed from my body. They sent it to pathology, who apparently sieved it to make sure it was totally benign. It was. End of story.
I named my lipoma Alan after a guy that I disliked.
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Those Lady and the Tramp continuity errors are particularly funny to me as my daughter has watched that DVD aproximately eleventy billion times and I notice those errors on EVERY SINGLE VIEWING.
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God damn you Onstad for making me look up lipoma. I won't be able to eat Italian for weeks now.
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God damn you Onstad for making me look up lipoma. I won't be able to eat Italian for weeks now.
Yeah, there are some pretty nasty pictures on the intarwub. Mine wasn't that bad.
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Current toddler status, 2/12
I sat in at her little preschool and I was the only male parent and nobody talked to me except a kid named Joshie who had a truck.
I really didn't want to break my perfect 900 (nice number) post count before leaving, but I have a compulsion with these damn baby updates. Call it the nicotine in TOUAMB's cigarette.
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So did Chris look for any faults in him or is this playa a candidate?
I'd say stay away, I've never trusted anyone named Josh; no offense to any Joshes, but your name is cellophane thin.
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Current toddler status, 2/12
I sat in at her little preschool and I was the only male parent and nobody talked to me except a kid named Joshie who had a truck.
I really didn't want to break my perfect 900 (nice number) post count before leaving, but I have a compulsion with these damn baby updates. Call it the nicotine in TOUAMB's cigarette.
Whoa, are you taking a break from TOUAMB, Judy?
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Current toddler status, 2/15
As I type this, she is in the other room, watching Mr. Noodle (Michael Jeter, 1952-2003) and carefully coloring her knees with sidewalk chalk.
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Mr. Noodle gives me nightmares. He's a zombie with a horribly literal sense of language comprehension that leads him to make an utter fool of himself before they lock him back in his electrified cage and poke him full of barbituates.
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Mr. Noodle gives me nightmares. He's a zombie with a horribly literal sense of language comprehension that leads him to make an utter fool of himself before they lock him back in his electrified cage and poke him full of barbituates.
I am convinced your continent gets a much higher quality level of flashback-inducing childrens' programming.
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I actually have no idea who Mr Noodle is. That description is rather intriguing.
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I am convinced your continent gets a much higher quality level of flashback-inducing childrens' programming.
Clearly, sir, you have forgotten the Wombles.
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I actually have no idea who Mr Noodle is. That description is rather intriguing.
Mr. Noodle is this character on Sesame Street who appears exclusively on Elmo's World, and every day Elmo tries to teach him how to do something while children in the background demand satisfaction like a crowd full of romans, and he is so so bad at actually doing anything. I can't think of any particularly good examples, but usually when Elmo says to do something, he does it in that literal sense that, if it was anyone else, you'd think he was mocking you. I try not to watch sesame street to much anymore, as a general rule.
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Elmo? Bah.
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I have a friend whom you can make cry if you say "Goodbye, Mister Hooper" in a reasonable Big Bird impression.
We had a puppet that openly mourned the death of a shopkeeper, kids today have a puppet that openly sells toys of himself with a vibrator in them. It's a mixed bag. Yes, they're being primed to be even more materialistic at an even earlier age but, on the other hand, they're not horribly emotionally scarred by well-intentioned intellectuals trying to teach them about death with puppets.
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Clearly, sir, you have forgotten the Wombles.
Touche, sir.
I have a friend whom you can make cry if you say "Goodbye, Mister Hooper" in a reasonable Big Bird impression.
Damnit man, don't make me have to listen to 'a boy and his frog' again.
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I have a friend whom you can make cry if you say "Goodbye, Mister Hooper" in a reasonable Big Bird impression.
We had a puppet that openly mourned the death of a shopkeeper, kids today have a puppet that openly sells toys of himself with a vibrator in them. It's a mixed bag. Yes, they're being primed to be even more materialistic at an even earlier age but, on the other hand, they're not horribly emotionally scarred by well-intentioned intellectuals trying to teach them about death with puppets.
At least you don't live in africa where they created a puppet that has AIDS. I'd only hate to be the poor sap on the writing team that is handed the episode overview that reads "This episode: Immuno-monster dies."
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At least you don't live in africa where they created a puppet that has AIDS.
On the one hand?
It is good that children are being taught to treat people with stigmatized diseases as their friends and equals and to be compassionate and understanding and so on or that, at least, the television is there to put that up as a counter-argument to the bad crap they're probably hearing from their parents and teachers and such.
However. On the other hand.
This is pretty much the only way to make Africa even more depressing.
"Starvation, check. Arbitrary civil war, check. Natural resources stripped, check. Television show where a puppet with a child's voice, googly eyes and a horn for a nose is dying of a horrible disease? Kind of overkill."
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This is pretty much the only way to make Africa even more depressing.
"Starvation, check. Arbitrary civil war, check. Natural resources stripped, check. Television show where a puppet with a child's voice, googly eyes and a horn for a nose is dying of a horrible disease? Kind of overkill."
This is the saddest baby update ever.
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Current toddler status, 2/20
My idea of parenting: "Go watch the bear movie. Stop playing with that ink." [turns head, reads same news website for 38th time that morning]
No-one got this one yet, and I got angry with it not being here. We can't let these baby updates slip through the net like delicious, tasty yet elusive giraffe.
-disappears again-
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Current toddler status, 2/23
Lady and the Tramp continuity error no. 3: When Lady goes to buy the cigarettes for Tramp, she gets him a pack of Newports. This brand was not introduced to the market until 1957, two years after the release of this film.
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Current toddler status, 2/23
Lady and the Tramp continuity error no. 3: When Lady goes to buy the cigarettes for Tramp, she gets him a pack of Newports. This brand was not introduced to the market until 1957, two years after the release of this film.
It's been a long-ass time since I've seen a Disney film, but do they REALLY buy smokes in the film?? That's just crazy...no way would that be in a children's film...right?
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Oh man. This is one of the things I think would drive me crazy if I were ever a parent.
Little kids like watching the same movie over and over and over again, don't they?
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I pretty much have Cinderella memorized, and it's probably been 10 years since we were in that phase.
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My 4-year daughter loves Pixar's Cars. She gets about 2 hours a day of TV/computer time, and she has spent it all on Cars for about 2 months running now. Before that it was How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
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Apparently I went through a phase as a very small child where I was obsessed with the poem "The Sugarplum Tree" and would have it read to me whenever possible. The great irony here is that my parents can still recite most of it, while I was young enough that I have entirely forgotten it and wouldn't even remember ever liking it were I not reminded at regular intervals about "that fuck*ng Sugarplum Tree."
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My little brother did that with 'The little mermaid'
also 'Spiceworld' for some reason.
I have no memory of what I tormented my family with.
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Oh god... I think that I'm going to have to follow Ray's advice and get a day nanny and night nanny if I ever have chilluns. Jesus, I don't think I could handle that at all.
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i was all about the Lady and the Tramp, my mom still talks about it.
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I apparently have always refused to watch Disney animated movies. When they would show them in school a few other guys and I would all try to go to the bathroom during the extra bad parts (ie kissing).
The closest I came to repetative obsession was bringing Dr. Seuss books home from library day every single week for like a year. But I'd rotate.
Now I usually don't even listen to the same song twice in a week.
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I apparently have always refused to watch Disney animated movies. When they would show them in school a few other guys and I would all try to go to the bathroom during the extra bad parts (ie kissing).
I became this kid during fifth grade, when everyone at my school was hella obsessed with The Lion King and it got regularly shown on movie-related special occasions, and I hated Lion King all to hell. I'd be desperately scraping up excuses to be in the hallway or bathroom or anywhere that wasn't the gymnasium, where 90% of my schoolmates would be speaking verbatim the memorized dialogue of a film I despised.
(For the record: yes, I still hate that movie, and no, I can't really articulate why. I think it was just the film that made me sick of Disney's shit, and there is something about it that turns my stomach to this day.)
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I am obviously younger than you, as I remember loving that movie so much.
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I became this kid during fifth grade, when everyone at my school was hella obsessed with The Lion King and it got regularly shown on movie-related special occasions, and I hated Lion King all to hell. I'd be desperately scraping up excuses to be in the hallway or bathroom or anywhere that wasn't the gymnasium, where 90% of my schoolmates would be speaking verbatim the memorized dialogue of a film I despised.
(For the record: yes, I still hate that movie, and no, I can't really articulate why. I think it was just the film that made me sick of Disney's shit, and there is something about it that turns my stomach to this day.)
Have you ever tried watching Kimba the White Lion?
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When I was very, very, young (about avatar age), and we had one of the first VCRs available (It had wood paneling and a corded remote, and giant knobs to change channels), I was obsessed with the fact that I could watch Charlotte's Web at any time that I demanded it. Apparently I would just keep yelling "THE PIG! THE PIG!" until someone gave in and put it on for me.
I don't particularly remember it now, nor do I like it, but my parents keep buying me new versions of it thinking I will love it.
The Lion King was where I stopped liking Disney films again, too. I basically kind of liked the Little Mermaid, then really got into Aladdin, and then I was done. Maybe it was going to band competitions where we'd be one of the first to play (small school), then watching at least twenty bands play Circle of Life and/or Hakuna Matata. Or maybe that was when I started realizing you can have epic animation without musicals. I'm pretty much opposed to musicals.
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I don't particularly remember it now, nor do I like it, but my parents keep buying me new versions of it thinking I will love it.
I don't get the fuss about the movie Charlotte's Web. I loved the book and will take any excuse to talk about E.B. White, but when the movie gets brought up and I try and bring up the book, my friends call me a nerd.
I loved The Lion King, but I started hating Disney movies after that. It's like they got too caught up in their own mystique and spent way too much time on the animation and songs and not enough on crafting a good story. Beauty and the Beast, Little Mermaid, Aladdin, all awesome. Hercules on (except for Mulan) was sh*t.
Does anyone else think that The Lion King ~ Hamlet?
Simba = Hamlet
Scar = Claudius
Mufasa = King Hamlet
Think about it. I haven't.
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I think it's been pretty well established that The Lion King is basically Hamlet on the Serengeti, and with the ending changed to make it kid-friendly (much like they did with The Little Mermaid.) In fact, now that I think about it, I wonder if they didn't just make it all lions and stuff because they knew people would be up in arms if they gave a Shakespearean tragedy the Disney treatment.
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When did Mike Lasseter leave Disney for good to go perma-Pixar? That might be what killed Disney's movies, story-wise.
Plus then they dropped all cel animation for computer-rendering. Hunt's move, that.
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Man, I've spent the last two days planning workshops for the two person production of Hamlet, from Denmark, about to go up at my theatre, then I cam home yesterday to the SO watching this, (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SqbsFlSyyN8) and now you people too!
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So both Hamlet and Judge Judy are part of the contemporary collective psyche.
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Current toddler status, 3/1
"Terrible Twos" is a diplomatic understatement. Even the dog wants to sell her to the gypsies ("RUFF RUFF RYPSIES?!").
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Lilo & Stitch was really great. Shame they canned the Cel Animation department so soon afterwards.
Lion King I'd give a B+. I'm a big fan of a lot of Disney's "slump years" stuff like The Rescuers, they were less afraid of being dark then. But their run from Snow White - Fantasia is flawless.
Movies I watched until the VCR wore out the magnetic tape:
The Star Wars Trilogy (could recite the opening text before I could read -- made my parents read it to me that many times)
All of the lesser Dr. Suess Movies (Pontiful Pock, Grinch Grinches the Cat in the Hat, Horton Hears a Who etc. etc. Chuck Jones did a lot of them and they were great)
But my favorites, and I mean this, were those cheap-ass movies collecting the cartoons from 1920s and 1930s jazz & bendy arm cartoon studios that weren't Disney or WB (usually Ub Iwerks & Fleischer Brothers) Anyone with kids should pick these up ($1 DVDs at Walmart) to instill a deep subconscious appreciation for REAL American art & culture.
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Ub Iwerks
Flip the Frog rocks my shit.
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um, yeah, The Rescuers was my favorite movie. I watched it until the tape broke. I loved those movies.
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Beauty and the Beast, Little Mermaid, Aladdin, all awesome. Hercules on (except for Mulan) was sh*t.
Exactly
I could never get into the old school bendy arm animation, though I watched it a little as a kid. I think it was because so much of it was music based and I just wasn't into that. Though I do remember watching an old Lulu animation of 'You could grow up to be a mule' or whatever that song is called.
Pop-eye was cool though, particularly the Sinbad episode.
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Current toddler status, 3/6
We spent the better part of the morning eating toothpaste and clipping our toenails.
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My daughter (who just turned 5!) recently got the message that you're supposed to spit out the toothpaste. Comically, she has not yet developed the necessary oral skills, so we do that part of the evening routine naked. Well, she's naked anyway. That's not the sort of thing daddys get undressed for.
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My daughter (who just turned 5!) recently got the message that you're supposed to spit out the toothpaste. Comically, she has not yet developed the necessary oral skills, so we do that part of the evening routine naked. Well, she's naked anyway. That's not the sort of thing daddys get undressed for.
Like your wee bairn, I am also spitting-impaired, unlike most guys who got lots of practice in grade school. I read an article about sommeliers and how they have to bring the strong sack when they spit wine during a tasting. Apparently it's a huge deal, and you have to do it with precision and power or else the other sommeliers laugh at you. I can't imagine having such a developed palate that I would have the go-ahead to taste wine and then spit it out, much less doing so in a graceful manner. I doubt I'll ever get good at it, which is fortunate because I doubt I'll ever become that accomplished at tasting wine.
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pfft. Spit out WINE? Are you crazy? I know sommeliers have to do it, and it's part of the ritual; particularly in a tasting where there is a lot to taste (you want your mental acuity sharp from the first pour to the last, after all), but I have been to quite a few tastings and have never spit out or poured out wine, ever. Well, once, I think, when I didn't like the wine, but linnea, you can be an accomplished taster without having to do all the snooty gymnastics. Here's the test: when you put something in your mouth, can you decide within a few seconds whether you like it or not? If so, then you can taste wine.
All that stuff about picking out floral notes and yaddah yaddah simply comes with time and experience, which fortunately means you get to go to lots of tastings and drink lots of wine while you develop that experience. And leave the spitting out and the snob yoga to the professionals. Pour, swirl, sniff, drink. Drink some more. Keep drinking. Taste lots. Have fun with your new hobby. Choose a designated driver. Book a hotel within walking distance of the vineyard. Laugh much.
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pfft. Spit out WINE? Are you crazy? I know sommeliers have to do it, and it's part of the ritual; particularly in a tasting where there is a lot to taste (you want your mental acuity sharp from the first pour to the last, after all), but I have been to quite a few tastings and have never spit out or poured out wine, ever. Well, once, I think, when I didn't like the wine, but linnea, you can be an accomplished taster without having to do all the snooty gymnastics. Here's the test: when you put something in your mouth, can you decide within a few seconds whether you like it or not? If so, then you can taste wine.
All that stuff about picking out floral notes and yaddah yaddah simply comes with time and experience, which fortunately means you get to go to lots of tastings and drink lots of wine while you develop that experience. And leave the spitting out and the snob yoga to the professionals. Pour, swirl, sniff, drink. Drink some more. Keep drinking. Taste lots. Have fun with your new hobby. Choose a designated driver. Book a hotel within walking distance of the vineyard. Laugh much.
The folks who get paid vast sums of money for their highly accomplished palates are pretty much the only ones who spit out wine. Sommeliers get paid to buy wine, that's why they go through the testing and spitting so they can decide what to buy. They HAVE to spit the wine or else they'd quickly get drunk and their skills would be off. For example, Las Vegas supposedly has the highest number of sommeliers of any other city in the world.
Although I'm a perfume and wine nerd and I enjoy being able to deconstruct either composition in order to better understand it and better enjoy it, I will never good enough to be a professional perfumer or sommelier. If I'm lucky I'll have a wine cellar when I'm old, but the only wine I plan to spit is when I'm drinking a glass at dinner and my tablemates say something ridiculously hilarious at the wrong moment and I end up spitting the wind via my nose.
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my childhood best-friend's dad is a sommelier (is that still the same word? He picks out the wines they will sell.) for one of the biggest chains of supermarkets in California, as well as some restaurants.
My parents love him, because he can recommend, like, a good 30$ wine just as well as he can recommend a good 300$ wine. He is an awesome guy.
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My parents love him, because he can recommend, like, a good 30$ wine just as well as he can recommend a good 300$ wine. He is an awesome guy.
And well they should, that knowledge is priceless.
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And well they should, that knowledge is priceless.
I grade wine knowledge on the scale of prices between which one can discriminate. If a 5-gallon jug of Gallo tastes the same to you as 1990 Romanée-Conti La Tache, then you have the lowest level of discrimination. On the other hand, if you can distinguish between '91 and '93 vintages of Opus One (in a double blind test, naturally) you have achieved a stratospheric, if inhuman, level of skill. Personally, I can tell the difference between a $20 wine and a $50, but everything beyond that is indistinguishable (other than - maybe - broadly classed by varietal). I haven't improved on this much in the last 15 years, so I've probably reached some sort of biological limit.
On the other hand, it doesn't wreck the wallet to pick a wine I'm likely to enjoy.
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I grade wine knowledge on the scale of prices between which one can discriminate. If a 5-gallon jug of Gallo tastes the same to you as 1990 Romanée-Conti La Tache, then you have the lowest level of discrimination. On the other hand, if you can distinguish between '91 and '93 vintages of Opus One (in a double blind test, naturally) you have achieved a stratospheric, if inhuman, level of skill. Personally, I can tell the difference between a $20 wine and a $50, but everything beyond that is indistinguishable (other than - maybe - broadly classed by varietal). I haven't improved on this much in the last 15 years, so I've probably reached some sort of biological limit.
On the other hand, it doesn't wreck the wallet to pick a wine I'm likely to enjoy.
I'm about in the same boat as you, jaydub, in terms of my palate for wine. It's a useful and pleasant place to be. :)
...if you can distinguish between '91 and '93 vintages of Opus One (in a double blind test, naturally) you have achieved a stratospheric, if inhuman, level of skill...
...and you need to run away with me and be my oenophiliac love-slave.
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I can tell the difference between Boone's Farm and Mad Dog 20-20. Can I live in your garage?
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I remember now -- I remember now -- why they called it Thunderbird.
(... Sorry, wrong thread?)
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Current toddler status, 3/6
We spent the better part of the morning eating toothpaste and clipping our toenails.
A hangover morning if ever there was one.
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Current toddler status, 3/9
She went to stay with her grandparents for the evening and, wouldn't you know, I watched a Law & Order episode about toddlers getting iced. Hooray for a way bad-shitty TV call.
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I remember now -- I remember now -- why they called it Thunderbird.
(... Sorry, wrong thread?)
On Earth, my Nina?
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I can tell the difference between Boone's Farm and Mad Dog 20-20. Can I live in your garage?
No, but there's an abandoned trailer down by the crick with your name all over it.
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No, but there's an abandoned trailer down by the crick with your name all over it.
Homeward bound . . . I wish I was . . .
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Current toddler status, 3/11
Freezepop came to visit, and she offered to knock over a block tower with her butt.
Is that the band that made the song about Phillipe?
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Yes they are! I love Freezepop.
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Current toddler status, 3/12
In the stroller, we walked past one of those older women who act like they hate that you point out their "cute doggie" to your child.
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Current toddler status, 3/14
She is two today. My gift to her? No more cussing around the house unless my arm is absolutely on fire.
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So does this prove that Judy is Terry? Or that Terry is Judy?
Also, where is the star?
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yeah, this is pure proof.
PURE AND UTTER.
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I just noticed that Judy's current avatar is a frame from that XTC video Terry posted.
Coincidence?
Are we gonna de-can Terry until he confesses?
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Current toddler status, 3/18
Saaay, time to throw a birthday party! [hemorrhages money]
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Current toddler status, 3/18
Saaay, time to throw a birthday party! [hemorrhages money]
Good lord, I have enough of a problem with hemorrhaging money WITHOUT a child... I shudder to think at the expenses that must be involved in a toddler party.
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Good lord, I have enough of a problem with hemorrhaging money WITHOUT a child... I shudder to think at the expenses that must be involved in a toddler party.
At least she isn't 16. I learned that these are apparently black-tie affairs now. Thank you, Ace of Cakes! In my day a 16th birthday generally involved dinner out with like 10 people. Possibly a movie.
Also, what the fuck is "groom's cake"? Nobody I've talked to has ever heard of it. Wikipedia has an entry but it's really really vague.
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Good lord, I have enough of a problem with hemorrhaging money WITHOUT a child... I shudder to think at the expenses that must be involved in a toddler party.
I just got back from New Jersey where we had a huge snowstorm (ask me about shovelling ten inches of snow to try to get the pugs to pee outside!) and my nephew's fourth birthday party, which was not something I would normally travel to except they were having it at this cool place:
http://www.outragehissspets.com/ (http://www.outragehissspets.com/)
I think it cost close to 500 dollars. It was really excellent though. I just hope he's old enough to still have a clear memory of it next year, when my sister says he's going to have to have his birthday at home with, like, dry crusts of bread and tap water to drink.
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the whole "sweet sixteen" thing bugs me. Esp. that whole show they have now, which only serves to give older people fodder to bitch about These Kids. To clarify, most people I know who watch that show do it mostly to mock those kids.
My 16th birthday... hm. I think I invited a couple of friends over, and several of them didn't realize it was my birthday, and then they all had to leave to be somewhere.
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I just got back from New Jersey where we had a huge snowstorm (ask me about shovelling ten inches of snow to try to get the pugs to pee outside!)
My eskie, Petunia, is the biggest bad weather baby - if it rains we have to keep a close eye on her because she'll do her business in a quiet corner rather than brave the elements. I tell her she's a disappointment to her ancestors.
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Oh, same here. We just gave up and have a corner where we use those puppy pads so if they have to go in the house, it doesn't do any damage.
But in the case of the pugs I suspect their ancestors are actually proud. They were bred to lie on the couch and have their own slaves. I knew what I was getting into.
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Also, what the fuck is "groom's cake"? Nobody I've talked to has ever heard of it. Wikipedia has an entry but it's really really vague.
[voice of experience]It's the yellowcake urinal puck described in the other thread and a groom encounters it during the bachelor party.[/voice of experience]
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um, or its a vaguely defined secondary cake (http://www.thecakery.com/groomscake.html)
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It's yet another tactic to separate newlyweds from their cash.
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It's yet another tactic to separate newlyweds from their cash.
Whatever do you mean. Clearly the chapel, celebrant's fee, reception site, caterer, florist, photographer, cameraman, security guard, DJ, open bar, rehearsal dinner, chapel fee for the rehersal, after party, engagement party, bridal shower, bachelor party, wedding cake, groom's cake, groomsmen gifts, bridesmaid gifts, giftboxes on the tables, guestbook, $200 hairdo, and $3000 dress are all completely necessary.
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um, or its a vaguely defined secondary cake (http://www.thecakery.com/groomscake.html)
Yes, but that's not funny, is it?
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My friend's wedding had a groom's cake. It was a wedding for a dude on my rugby team and the cake was shaped like a rugby ball. I think the idea was to have a "fun" cake for the dude and a the nice white cake for the lady.
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I went to a wedding where the groom's cake was in the shape of an armadillo. I would like that better than a nice white cake. Why do the ladies always get the boring shit?
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Weddings are creepy.
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Weddings are creepy.
I can tell you that weddings are like bourbon - you try them enough, you get a taste for them.
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Why do the ladies always get the boring shit?
Because somewhere along the line, their mothers completely lose their sense of humor, and stuff gets done so mom doesn't flip out.
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Because somewhere along the line, their mothers completely lose their sense of humor, and stuff gets done so mom doesn't flip out.
The first dance comes to mind.
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I went to a wedding where the groom's cake was in the shape of an armadillo. I would like that better than a nice white cake. Why do the ladies always get the boring shit?
Was this an intentional Steel Magnolias reference, or just a really weird coincidence?
Anyway, two thoughts on the subjects currently being discussed:
1) The more I read about weddings, the more my desire to get married in the simplest way possible (get a Justice, get hitched in the backyard, have a barbecue, spend all that money on a nice honeymoon or... y'know, a house) grows. However, this is at odds with the Gentleman Caller, who apparently since his childhood has harbored the desire for a masquerade wedding, with a theme. This can only end in tears.
2) My sixteenth-birthday party: a trip to the mall one town over with three friends. Major highlights: buying my copy of Roger Ebert's I Hated, Hated, Hated This Movie; watching my sketchy friend proudly announce at Old Navy that she could fit into a size 14 children's black pleather miniskirt; everyone singing along to "Story of a Girl" on the way home and perplexing my mother. Suburbia, everyone!
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Because somewhere along the line, their mothers completely lose their sense of humor, and stuff gets done so mom doesn't flip out.
Having done this before, I will send this out to anyone who hasn't. Don't compromise on anything for your wedding. If your crazy aunt Bertha comes up and says you have to wear your wedding dress throughout the reception because it is tradition and bad luck not to and you'd have to be a savage to do something so sacrilegeous, tell her to fuck herself (example taken from real life, btw). Don't compromise. It's your wedding. It's surprising how many people fold under pressure and do what someone else wants them to do on the most important day of their life. Alternatively, you can do what I did, and go with the flow at your first wedding and regret it, and then just elope the second time.
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Was this an intentional Steel Magnolias reference, or just a really weird coincidence?
I know nothing about Steel Magnolias. Was there an armadillo cake in it?
We got married by a justice in her living room and then we went out to dinner. No one was invited. The state didn't even require witnesses. As far as I know it doesn't get any simpler than that. We did ask the justice if we could just all sign some papers instead of having her read vows, but either the answer was no or else the question was so weird that she didn't understand it.
The only thing I regretted was that the Technical Staff persuaded me to order crepes Suzette for dessert, which only came in an order for two, and turned out to be not at all what I wanted for a special occassion dessert. But I've had enough dessert in the intervening years to have gotten over it.
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I know nothing about Steel Magnolias. Was there an armadillo cake in it?
There was, in fact, an armadillo-shaped wedding/groom's cake. Google turns up an attempt to recreate it here (http://www.hungrybrowser.com/phaedrus/m042801.htm) (scroll down to "Armadillo Wedding Cake").
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There was, in fact, an armadillo-shaped wedding/groom's cake. Google turns up an attempt to recreate it here (http://www.hungrybrowser.com/phaedrus/m042801.htm) (scroll down to "Armadillo Wedding Cake").
Not only that, but it was a Red Velvet armadillo cake so it looked like it was bleedin' to death as they sliced the cake.
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Older daughter turns 16 the end of this month. She has not asked for a party, but she's not very social anyone. May have two or three friends for a sleep-over. I gave her her first driving lesson yesterday. Zoinks!
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Older daughter turns 16 the end of this month. She has not asked for a party, but she's not very social anyone. May have two or three friends for a sleep-over. I gave her her first driving lesson yesterday. Zoinks!
That's what I was like too. I got too the partying soon enough.
Watch out, papa. Late bloomers (if she is one) bloom hardcore.
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Watch out, papa. Late bloomers (if she is one) bloom hardcore.
Oh Hells yes we do!
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hells yes, i am hell of blooming.
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Current toddler status, 3/21
Dressed as a princess, she surprised everyone by eating calamari.
I LOVE calamari. But I only wish I could still dress as a princess.
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I'd rather dress as the squid.
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I'd rather dress as the squid.
Well then we'd have to fry and eat you, because squid's no good to me otherwise.
Princesses, however, are good for a whole lotta things.
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Such as tarring and feathering?
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Hell of such as tarring and feathering.
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Current toddler status, 3/23
When her hair is slicked back in the bath, her profile looks kind of sweet and Eisenhower-y.
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If newborns always look like Churchill and then toddlers bathing look like Eisenhower what should the next step be?
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Current toddler status, 3/26
There is something to this Zodiac stuff. As a Pisces, she spends at least three hours a day at or in the sink, fountains, water tables, the tub, pools, creeks, puddles, and any water-bearing Italian restaurant statuary we happen to pass.
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I was like that when I was a kid. But, I'm an Aries.
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I was like that when I was a kid. But, I'm an Aries.
I was like that too, and I'm also a Fire sign...Sagittarius.
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Hmm, my daughter is also a Pisces and loves to swim, jump in puddles, run through fountains etc.
But if she spills water on herself while drinking - tears! And nakedness.
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Hmm, my daughter is also a Pisces and loves to swim, jump in puddles, run through fountains etc.
But if she spills water on herself while drinking - tears! And nakedness.
Tears and nakedness . . . boy, can I ever relate to that.
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. . . loves to swim, jump in puddles, run through fountains etc.
But if she spills water on herself while drinking - tears! And nakedness.
I've had dates that went like this.
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It seems that Lil Stad is gonna grow up to be the title character in the Ben Folds Five song "Kate".
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I've had dates that went like this.
Dating girls who need a support worker to wipe down tables at the local McD's is really not cool man. Not cool.
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Dating girls who need a support worker to wipe down tables at the local McD's is really not cool man. Not cool.
Girls with special needs have needs too. It's right there in the name.
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I'm a Virgo, and I also did this as a kid. I think the only thing that's stopping me now is propriety and the realization that I do not look good in a bathing suit.
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So forego the bathing suit. You'll be more likely to make the papers that way too :)
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I'm a Gemini, and I HATE HATE HATE being wet. To the point that I routinely take a hair dryer to my whole body to dry off after a shower, and have been known to do the same (with the cool setting) immediately after coming inside from a particularly sweaty excursion in the summer outdoors.
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So forego the bathing suit. You'll be more likely to make the papers that way too :)
No, no, no. See, the problem is that while I look bad in a bathing suit, I look waaay worse without one. Plus, you know, criminal charges.
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Criminal charges, pah. They can only charge you if they catch you. :D
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And it's hard to grip someone who's wet and naked.
I'm going to stop short of suggesting grease because, you know, criminal charges.
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Current toddler status, 3/30
She has a crush on Christopher Robin. If I see that guy prowling around here, I'll shoot him with rock salt until he tastes different.
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Don't we all?
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We all want to taste Christopher Robins? He would be so stringy and gamey, you would have to cook him in a pot for a week before his muscle tissues would be edible.
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My grandma used to tell me Hundred-Acre wood stories for bedtime, but Christopher Robin never appeared in them. Apparently she caught my antipathy towards him. All playing with my toys...
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Current toddler status, 4/3
I went to a Major League Baseball game and spent $16.50 of her inheritance on a hot dog and a beer. The same deal in Vegas is only $2, and the bathroom floors are still conveniently covered with carroty vomit.
Oh MAN do I miss MLB games.
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Current toddler status, 4/9
We had a father-daughter squabble about how I needed to work and couldn't play with markers. She ran out of my office crying. A minute later she ran in, put a little gift bag with a plastic CUNT in it on my desk, and then ran out again, still sniffling. Already, a black belt in guilt.
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Oh man! That is just brutal. An adorable toddler who gives you a present after a squabble. Too cute. The plastic CUNT says, "Pa, I love you even though we is fightin'."
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Current toddler status, 4/15
The plan was to go to the San Francisco Zoo, but it was too crowded, so we went to the beach, where I worried about the seething old drunk with the heavy cane who wouldn't stop staring at my car.
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Current toddler status, 4/19
Slowly, surely, day by day, we are learning not to rock the dog's head with a length of BRIO track.
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Current toddler status, 4/23
She likes to scribble with a Sharpie while sitting in my lap as I write, and I am innocently becoming a huffer.
Am I the only one paying attention to these any more?
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No! You're not! How do you keep beating me to them?
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I share Wombat's concern. I've slipped so badly.
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Current toddler status, 4/25
She is out with my parents, buying fancy new rocks.
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When I go for wallks with my little girl, I always come home with pockets full of interesting rocks. These find their way, variously, into the dog bowl, planters, or the vacuum cleaner with alarming sound effects. Still, she can now identify "quartz", so I consider it a worthwhile thing.
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When I go for wallks with my little girl, I always come home with pockets full of interesting rocks. These find their way, variously, into the dog bowl, planters, or the vacuum cleaner with alarming sound effects. Still, she can now identify "quartz", so I consider it a worthwhile thing.
Get her started on identifying cubic zirconia now. This could prove very useful to her down the road.
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Current toddler status, 4/30
Yeah, I just spent money on tickets to ride Thomas the Tank Engine this summer. See you in the roiling sea of Kelty and sippy-cup mayhem.
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Damnit! All you new people are musclin' me out of my baby updates. That'll teach me to sleep.
I have actually been on those Thomas the Tank Engine rides. Onstad is in for a treat.
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1) Thomas the tank engine scares the shit out of me.
2) The son of the creator of Thomas came by my work last year to read from the books for an ultra special group of kids, and there was this huge Thomas in the lobby for days, all staring at me with his cold dead eyes. So creepy! I never got within 10ft of him.
3) The current Thomas show is about to tour to my area, and the commercial has a point where one of the engines is mad, and I screamed in terror when I saw it.
4) Ringo Star... what the hell?
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What happened to George Carlin as Mr. Conductor?
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The son of the creator of Thomas came by my work last year to read from the books for an ultra special group of kids.
Considering how old the stories are, I'm retroactively bummed to have missed them growing up. I looooved trains (especially steam engines) as a kid and would have driven my parents insane with Thomas minutiae. Considering I lived in a Commonwealth country, I'm at a loss to explain this gap in my cultural education.
Slight correction - I still love steam engines. My trip to Sacramento's rail museum a few weeks back was awesome.
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Current toddler status, 5/1
If the pope falls in the woods, does he only cry if someone sees him?
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Current toddler status, 5/1
If the pope falls in the woods, does he only cry if someone sees him?
Now there's just no point to that.
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No point because it's an obvious question or because he's using the internet to mock the attention-based responses of toddlers?
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No point because it's an obvious question or because he's using the internet to mock the attention-based responses of toddlers?
You're overthinking it.
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Judy! Your avatar! Noooooooo!
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Current toddler status, 5/9
She won't let us brush her hair, so just picture a tiny Janis Joplin with chocolate milk instead of Southern Comfort and you're ninety percent there.
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Best toddler update ever.
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Get her started on identifying cubic zirconia now. This could prove very useful to her down the road.
Strange coincidence. She got a prize for filling up her attendance card at Speech Therapy class. After rejecting such clutter as Troll dolls, a bunny pen and Polly Pocket, she settled on a pretty gold (colored paper) box with a heart pendant. The pendant had a nicely mounted cubic zirconia in it. That being a mouthful, she decided to call it a gem.
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Current toddler status, 5/9
She won't let us brush her hair, so just picture a tiny Janis Joplin with chocolate milk instead of Southern Comfort and you're ninety percent there.
[Asherdan Replies]Best toddler update ever.[end reply]
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Current toddler status, 5/16
Lady and the Tramp continuity error no. 4: In the sequence where they sell the muzzle to the beaver with the speech impediment, Tramp is wearing a wristwatch.
That's the 900th post in the Baby Update thread, people.
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maybe we have discussed this before, but none of these scenes actually happen in the movie.
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Current toddler status, 5/21
She graduated from preschool and ate a foil-topped tub of fake grape jam at the unremarkable family restaurant.
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Locally you only graduate from pre-school when old enough to move on to Kindergarten, so I was a little confused by this at first, thinking Onstad had some crazy baby genius. I guess maybe you graduate from pre-school every year in the US?
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It is my understanding that American schools now leap at every possible excuse for a graduation ceremony.
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It is my understanding that American schools now leap at every possible excuse for a graduation ceremony.
Indeed. I know of kids who had a graduation when they finished up the first stage of pre-school (two days a week) then again for the 2nd stage (3 days a week). Then of course kindergarten needs a graduation because it's the first time they're in school all day. Then there's 5th and 8th grades, because you move up to another school after that.
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...they have Preschool graduations? not at the preschools my family went to, and you'd think they would, being Montessoris and all. My school had "Moving Up" ceremonies for 5th and 8th graders. We also had "Convocation" at the beginning of the year for Seniors, which I'm told is not usual. We wore our gowns and everything.
My year, an english teacher gave a speech about how you shouldn't use the words Retarded or Nigger in any context. It was pretty awesome. It was a good message, but perhaps out of place? I was really mad, though, because the speakers seemed to get worse and worse every year. Mostly because the first year my Latin teacher, probably my favorite teacher ever, gave a speech about the need for religion/spirituality in life, and it was the best and most moving speech I've ever heard.
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For my graduation (not my 5th grade, 8th grade, or first semester of tenth grade graduation, I mean My Graduation), the decision was made not to have a guest speaker, but instead to have a Class Poem recited. I think this was because the class leadership wasn't willing to put forth the effort in finding a speaker, and pisses me off to this day. The best/worst part of the fiasco came when, prior to the Class Poem being read by its author, a member of the school board made some remarks, and included some imagery (about aiming for the moon, because if you miss, you'll still be among the stars) that ended up being the Big Emotional Moment of the poem - with the result that the poem was completely deflated by the time it was read.
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I think at my HS graduation we copped out and just got our congressman or something. Hell of lame.
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I forget who spoke at my graduation. I feel like he was pretty good, but everyone else hated him... but I don't remember a single thing he said, or who he was.
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I really think they should completely do away with addresses at graduation ceremonies. They're completely unnecessary, nobody really learns anything from them, no one remembers them, and we're all sitting in heavy robes in the hot sun and we should just get on with it. I think it would make graduations a much more bearable experience for everyone involved.
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Current toddler status, 5/25
Lady and the Tramp continuity error No. 5: In the bistro scene, Tramp remarks on his love for tarragon, yet earlier in the film it is established that dogs cannot taste tarragon.
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I really think they should completely do away with addresses at graduation ceremonies. They're completely unnecessary, nobody really learns anything from them, no one remembers them, and we're all sitting in heavy robes in the hot sun and we should just get on with it. I think it would make graduations a much more bearable experience for everyone involved.
There were over 900 kids in my graduating class. Sitting in a folding chair for 3 hours in the blisteringly hot May sun in Colorado was torture. God, it was awful. I hate ceremonies.
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I skipped all my graduations after sixth grade and never regretted it for a minute. Of course I'm also the kind of person who got married in a justice of the peace's living room with no witnesses and would have preferred if it were possible to do it by mail, so your mileage may vary.
Are these Lady and the Tramp posts getting more surreal every time? It sounds like he's really going to lose it if he watches that movie one more time. But I realized that I am not sure I understand the problem. If you, like, read a magazine while sitting and 'watching' a movie with your child, will the county come and take her away?
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I attended a graduation ceremony at the High School for the Performing and Visual Arts on Friday and there weren't any speechs. Well the Dean and some dude from the school board spoke briefly and the valedictorian also said a few words, but that was it. Instead of speeches all the seniors performed in their various fields. It was really entertaining. Especially the jazz band.
~Paul
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I skipped all my graduations after sixth grade and never regretted it for a minute. Of course I'm also the kind of person who got married in a justice of the peace's living room with no witnesses and would have preferred if it were possible to do it by mail, so your mileage may vary.
MY DREAM WEDDING. I am really scared of weddings.
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wow. I love the crap out of ceremonies and such.
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MY DREAM WEDDING. I am really scared of weddings.
I got married at the Doughnut Shop (http://voodoodoughnut.com/).
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I got married at the Doughnut Shop (http://voodoodoughnut.com/).
The Voodoo Doughnut shop? Do they allow polygamy all up in there? How about polyandry? Because I couldn't find an honest man up here, I hope to find veritable cornucopia of eligible fellas when I hit Denver.
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The Voodoo Doughnut shop? Do they allow polygamy all up in there? How about polyandry? Because I couldn't find an honest man up here, I hope to find veritable cornucopia of eligible fellas when I hit Denver.
I'm perfectly willing to marry you, but I'm not going all the way to Denver for . . . you know.
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With a 4:1 ratio of males to females on your Alaskan island you couldn't leverage your advantage? You've got some high standards, lady :)
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I got married at the Doughnut Shop (http://voodoodoughnut.com/).
Ah, we have talked about this, haven't we? And I was insanely jealous the last time it came up too.
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I'm perfectly willing to marry you, but I'm not going all the way to Denver for . . . you know.
Dammit. No dice there.
With a 4:1 ratio of males to females on your Alaskan island you couldn't leverage your advantage? You've got some high standards, lady :)
Dude. Duuuuude.
You should see the guys up here.
Let me tell you a little bit about the types of dudes who asked for my number.
1. Gnarled, old giraffeermen.
2. Hot younger guys who are giraffeermen but you wouldn't want to touch with a ten-foot pole (sure, he's sexy, but you have no idea where that tongue has been, and you don't wanna find out). Plus they are almost never here anyway. Plus, you're pretty sure they have a girlfriend at every port and a wife back home. They can't wear any rings on the boat (hands swell while they're at sea and they would have to cut the rings off) and you KNOW they work that to their advantage.
3. Guys who labor on the docks as stevedores or whatever and live at their mom's house.
4. Married guys (okay, they never ask for my number, but you know what they say...all the good ones are taken).
5. Skeevy lecherous married guys who "want a girlfriend" (highly inadvisable on an island where everybody knows what color socks you wore last week). Plus, I'M NOT A HOMEWRECKER.
6. Crazy-ass stalkers with a walleye who think that you would be their perfect girlfriend.
Would you go out with any of the dudes listed above (except Nabu, who I would also marry) if you were in my shoes? I hope to God not.
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As I am sure has been remarked in this context before, the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
But how the heck did we get here in Baby Updates?
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You mentioned weddings and it all tumbled down to how Linnea would get one for her loins from there...
Geez, it's pretty bad when the member who kicks off the 'TOUAMBIE Veer' doesn't even realize it. Butterflies in the caribbean and all that then...
ALSO: HEY Somebody nice! GOOD LUCK WITH THE LOINS THINGY!
Great, now I'm going to be thinking of Linnea's loins all night. WTG Asherdan, that mental image is ... quite pleasant, actually.
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6. Crazy-ass stalkers with a walleye who think that you would be their perfect girlfriend.
The first thing I thought of when I read this was a crazy-ass stalker guy proffering you a giraffe and saying "I caught you this delicious walleye". Maybe this is because I study giraffees.
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Dammit. No dice there.
Actually, no. I would gladly travel to . . .
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The first thing I thought of when I read this was a crazy-ass stalker guy proffering you a giraffe and saying "I caught you this delicious walleye". Maybe this is because I study giraffees.
Great, now I have this image in my head of Garrison Keillor hitting on Linnea...
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The first thing I thought of when I read this was a crazy-ass stalker guy proffering you a giraffe and saying "I caught you this delicious walleye". Maybe this is because I study giraffees.
Heh... Jon Heider proffering a delicious bass or walleye or pike would be cute. A scary dude with a lazy eye is not. No offense to any of you who might have unemployed eyes...I am afraid that the stalker archetype ruined that for me. Get it fixed or something?
You mentioned weddings and it all tumbled down to how Linnea would get one for her loins from there...
Geez, it's pretty bad when the member who kicks off the 'TOUAMBIE Veer' doesn't even realize it. Butterflies in the caribbean and all that then...
ALSO: HEY Somebody nice! GOOD LUCK WITH THE LOINS THINGY!
Man, my loins certainly do appreciate all the moral support. I'll see what I can do when I finally drum up something decent for the lady downstairs.
Actually, no. I would gladly travel to . . .
Allright you horrible tease, I'll be standing on my front porch with a raised eyebrow until you get over here and make with the kisses, dude.
Fuck, I forgot my "not a homewrecker" clause in the Somebody nice agreement.
Let me know if you and your old lady ever want to... OKAY, someone get me some sedatives or something. This is totally over the line. I'm going to hell.
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I'm going to hell.
There's room in my car.
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This is what crossed through my head at first. I'm only an amateur at giraffe though. Can I still get an Icthyologist mental image Hi-5?
Oh, definitely.
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Current toddler status, 5/31
Who gave her this terrible tie-dye outfit? She looks like Wavy Gravy. Two years of sleep deprivation have left me wide open to forgetting who is giving us this kind of thing.
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Wait until he can start picking his own clothes. Lizzie del Vaca seems to think that all striped clothes go together, regardless of whether the shirt and ##### have entirely different color schemes, or if the stripes go in different directions. Same goes for floral prints--if they've all got flowers, they must match!
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Kaitlin appears to have inherited my fashion sense, which basically means if I haven't worn these recently they're ok. My wife will occasionally call at the end of the day and ask, "Did she pick out her own clothes today, or something?". As if I would do any better.
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Allright you horrible tease, I'll be standing on my front porch with a raised eyebrow until you get over here and make with the kisses, dude.
Fuck, I forgot my "not a homewrecker" clause in the Somebody nice agreement.
Let me know if you and your old lady ever want to... OKAY, someone get me some sedatives or something. This is totally over the line. I'm going to hell.
Actually, we should probably take things like this offline, as there are youngsters present.
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Jesus Christ, I've gotta get this back on track. As it has been established, I'm going to hell and Nabu ain't helping matters any. My apologies, all.
Current toddler status, 6/1
We watched some tennis on TV. I had never seen Serena Williams play before. I had also never spent time looking up Serena Williams videos on YouTube, after dinner.
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Hot dang, Onstad is under the booty spell.
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I hope this update isn't even loosely related to the toddler. Don't search for masterbation material while holding your daughter. That is hell of creepy.
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Maybe the kiddo was entranced by Serena and wants to be her.
Or maybe not.
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<sigh> Serena. Feh.
I miss Jennifer Capriati.
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Capriati... was she the one with the thick mustache?
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Can we skip all this foreplay and have some Anna-fan get in here?
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So one day Onstad is bemoaning the poor fashion sense of some anonymous acquaintance, and the next he's ogling Serena Williams? Something there doesn't make sense.
Also, watching a Williams-Williams final depresses me. It is the women's tennis equivalent of watching a Subway Series.
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Current toddler status, 6/7
I fell asleep while putting her to sleep. When I awoke, she was asleep, and the dog slept across my legs.
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man. whatever he was doing to put her to sleep was utterly overpowering. His song was so soporific, his story so languid... he could not resist.
is that word really Soporific? I have always read it as "sopoforic."
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Current toddler status, 6/11
I was fixing the spring on her diaper pail with my fancy Swiss Army knife, and she kept patting me on the shoulder, saying "good work, daddy. Good work." She said "good work" about seventeen times. I have agreed to hire her as my manager.
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For further discussion of Serena Williams ass, please go here (http://touamb.com/index.php/topic,3746.0.html).
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Current toddler status, 6/11
I was fixing the spring on her diaper pail with my fancy Swiss Army knife, and she kept patting me on the shoulder, saying "good work, daddy. Good work." She said "good work" about seventeen times. I have agreed to hire her as my manager.
Finally the huge-ass Swiss Army knife comes in useful.
Also: Awww on the "Good work, daddy". She must be hella cute. I think there's only been one photo of el bebé on the site...I remember he posted a picture of her wearing sunglasses once. However, they certainly have a right to their privacy. Pretty much all chilluns are cute. Lately I have been noticing more and more how damned adorable they are.
My mom played the early menopause card on me because she wants grandchildren really badly. I'm not sure when I'm going to have time to have children, let alone finding a suitable partner with whom to have them. The conundrum of modern life.
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What happened to the three pages of Serena's ass?
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What happened to the three pages of Serena's ass?
Scroll up two post you dingbat.
For further discussion of Serena Williams ass, please go here (http://touamb.com/index.php/topic,3746.0.html).
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Current toddler status, 6/19
Dressed in a swimsuit, adorned with gratuitous Curious George Band-Aids, and cooling herself with my battery-operated fan, she was pushed into town in a stroller.
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Can't think of a better summer image.
I'll stick with bikini babes. Or wet t-shirt contests.
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Current kid status, 6/24: She missed the "wiener national" dachshund races at the county fair, but caught a Martin Yan demo and a few brand-new black baby sheep with umbilical cords like pink bucatini.
That is the grossest description ever. The umbilical cords that I've seen are blue. I don't wanna think about it.
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Current kid status, 6/27
You get an IRS deduction for having a child, but it should be much larger when they're two. JESUS F. H. CHRIST ON A GINGER-CANE
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OH SHIT HERE COMES ANOTHER BABY. SO EXCITED.
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When in doubt, I look at Teodor's blog (http://orezscu.blogspot.com/2005/04/there-is-baby-around.html)
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I think he's talking about the 'Terrible Two's' here. You get an auto deduct for a second one.
[Edit] I'm kinda relieved I had to check my general impression of the toddlers age against the archives. Knowing I knew the specific age of 'Stad tot would bother me.[/edit]
Oh, dur. I read that today and noticed the kid status instead of toddler status and got excited.
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Current kid status, 7/1
We dropped some stuff off in San Francisco for an 'art show' of sorts, and she had her 83rd consecutive meal of french fries at 'Burger Joint' on Valencia.
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Current kid status, 7/9
Her language acquisition and mimicry are really coming on strong. This is our big chance to make her Irish.
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this guy I heard interviewed on NPR talked about how at one point in the mid 60s his mom decided that she wanted them to start being Irish. it was pretty silly of a story.
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Current kid status, 7/12
A molar, a plan, a canal, Tylenol.
When exactly did it become kid status? I seem to have failed to notice that.
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Current kid status, 7/15
I heard her play the harmonica over a recorded phone message and damned if her one little ZWEEE didn't have me wondering what the front office at Juilliard smells like. Will the chairs be comfortable?
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You always hope to help them find that thing, but in the back of your head you remember, nurture stuff with a light hand or you'll just crush the bejeebus fun outta it and scare them off.
Wait, that's not the parent's job? Jeez, my folks are going to be stunned by this news.
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Current kid status, 7/20
She would only eat French Laundry style at the taqueria: one bean wrapped in a Band-Aid sized strip of tortilla.
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people come in and want that kind of shit at Moe's all the time.
They are always pretty pissed when I tell them I still have to charge them full price. I mean... a taco is a taco. Sorry that you asked me to take out everything that goes in it.
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I hate Moe's. Chipotle ftw.
Also, next week I am going to San Fran. So many burritos!!!
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Chipotle ftw.
Hells yes, dude. CAN'D for liking the best burritos evah. Plus, they originated in Denver. They also have the best damn guacamole ever. I <3 chipotle.
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Hells yes, dude. CAN'D for liking the best burritos evah. Plus, they originated in Denver. They also have the best damn guacamole ever. I <3 chipotle.
Speaking of Denver (hey, I didn't bring it up), the Rocky Mountain Rollergirls came to PDX yesterday and got a sound thrashing at the hands (skates?) of the Wheels of Justice. The Olympia team was here and got beaten, too. It was fun. I'm hoarse today.
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Baja Fresh is the best major burrito chain, without no doubt.
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Current kid status, 7/29
We rode Thomas the Tank Engine through the Santa Cruz mountains and freaked out a bunch of ‘shrooming dudes.
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I just read this interesting article on Thomas being voted the favorite toy/character by autistic children (http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2007/07/27/thomas-tank.html) a couple days ago. It helps me out in gaining some appreciation of the character, since I'm absolutely terrified of that train.
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Thomas is an awesome teaching tool for kids, but dang if those trains aren't creepy. Those gigantic, empty eyes...
they haunt me at night.
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1) Thomas the tank engine scares the shit out of me.
2) The son of the creator of Thomas came by my work last year to read from the books for an ultra special group of kids, and there was this huge Thomas in the lobby for days, all staring at me with his cold dead eyes. So creepy! I never got within 10ft of him.
3) The current Thomas show is about to tour to my area, and the commercial has a point where one of the engines is mad, and I screamed in terror when I saw it.
4) Ringo Star... what the hell?
Since it was a while ago, I just thought I'd quote from my earlier post on my fear of Thomas. I'm not being silly when I say I'm haunted by that huge Thomas that was set up at my work. I was the first person in in the mornings, and I would intentionally no look in his direction in the darkened lobby before I turned the lights on. I was honestly afraid that his eyes would follow me. I felt a deep relief when the train was gone.
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Since it was a while ago, I just thought I'd quote from my earlier post on my fear of Thomas. I'm not being silly when I say I'm haunted by that huge Thomas that was set up at my work. I was the first person in in the mornings, and I would intentionally no look in his direction in the darkened lobby before I turned the lights on. I was honestly afraid that his eyes would follow me. I felt a deep relief when the train was gone.
You know, sometimes I read your posts and I wonder why I even bother posting my own self. That there is just more interesting and disturbing than anything I've posted in a while, if not ever.
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One of my coworkers, who also found him disturbing (and had to sit in the lobby at box office) said she thought she saw him move out of the corner of her eye once. She said this in a hushed voice, perhaps so as not to concern the parent who was letting her two year old climb on Thomas, or perhaps because she was afraid he might hear her. We both soothed ourselves, rationalizing that there was only a half-foot of track in front of him, and that he wasn't. going. anywhere. Thomas in my periphery vision is a tad more creepy thanThomas front-on. In that space before your eyes focus... you better watch your fuckin' back.
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Current kid status, 8/12
She ate some ice cream. She tooted. What a dame.
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In a fit of respect for my daughter's future teenage cringing, I will refrain from further anecdotes.
Besides, search engines of the future will probably make Google look like WAIS and she could use the evidence to justify putting me in a home.
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Current kid status, 8/19
Our little joke is that I promise to cook some giraffe for her and she laughs.
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Tomorrow: giraffe?
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Who's pooping on the toilet now, Morpheus!
Is he referring to the god of sleep, or Laurence giraffeburne in the Matrix, or some third party unkown to me?
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Current kid status, 9/10
As my style of parenting devolves from genuine care to endlessly restarting the Little Mermaid DVD, I experience a twinge of nostalgia.
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Current kid status, 9/18
MFK giraffeer suggested cutting a piece of toast in the shape of a star; this has proven irresistible to even the fussiest child.
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I just want to note that I never even check for toddler updates on Achewood. I just read 'em here when I see the thread has a new post... so thanks for keeping up with this y'all.
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My mother has found that merely telling my nephew that we will eat his food is enough for him to want it more. No actual eating of said food is neccessary.
Speaking of which, I frequently call my little nephew Little Nephew. This provides me with endless amounts of amusement. My sister (the boy's mother) is not familiar with Achewood, so she doesn't get why I giggle everytime I say it.
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Speaking of which, I frequently call my little nephew Little Nephew. This provides me with endless amounts of amusement. My sister (the boy's mother) is not familiar with Achewood, so she doesn't get why I giggle everytime I say it.
If he starts talking in l33tspeak-ebonics, and wearing tiny ##### on each leg, it's all your fault.
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I've found what proves irresistible to a fussy child is eating his motherfuck*ng toast yourself. Instant desire, have a backup ready.
Ditto Womabat.
This doesn't work with my kid most of the time. (It has worked exactly once, with toast, in fact. But it had to be accompanied by sound effects.) But if he sees us eating food off his tray that he doesn't want, he pushes the rest of it over towards the chow thief -- as if to say, "Be my guest, I ain't eatin' that crap."
He thought it was funny when I started sucking raisins off the kitchen table like a dustbuster, but he still won't eat raisins.
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I had recently heard of "Toy Timeouts" where you have a basket that toys go to until the following weekend if the kid doesn't keep them picked up. Unfortunately, my daughter turned it around on me last night. She was ready to get out of the tub and I asked her to pick up her bath toys first. She said, "No, that's OK. You can put them on toy timeout." Effectively, she was paying me to pick up her toys. I went ahead and did it, just to show that I would, but it wasn't really the effect I was looking for.
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A lady-friend of my past (as opposed to a ladyfriend of my past) once collected all of her sons' toys in garbage bags and had plans to throw them out due to long-term neglect on the keeping-the-house-neat front. I had her almost convinced to give them to me to sell on eBay, with the profits going toward our purchase of booze. The toys included various Game Boys, etc., so it would have gotten us at least a couple handles of something good. I was very disappointed to find out that she had, in fact, given the toys back.
Looking back at this, I'm not quite sure how I feel about the lengths to which I tried to make this happen.
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I had recently heard of "Toy Timeouts" where you have a basket that toys go to until the following weekend if the kid doesn't keep them picked up. Unfortunately, my daughter turned it around on me last night. She was ready to get out of the tub and I asked her to pick up her bath toys first. She said, "No, that's OK. You can put them on toy timeout." Effectively, she was paying me to pick up her toys. I went ahead and did it, just to show that I would, but it wasn't really the effect I was looking for.
Smart girl you got there!
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A perfect example of DUE TO PUNISHMENT missed out on.
I had almost forgotten that this was the actual origin of that phrase.
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I had recently heard of "Toy Timeouts" where you have a basket that toys go to until the following weekend if the kid doesn't keep them picked up. Unfortunately, my daughter turned it around on me last night. She was ready to get out of the tub and I asked her to pick up her bath toys first. She said, "No, that's OK. You can put them on toy timeout." Effectively, she was paying me to pick up her toys. I went ahead and did it, just to show that I would, but it wasn't really the effect I was looking for.
my mom used to do this. That was like... the idea of my toys... gone for a whole week...
that was like the Hell of Toys. It made me so upset.
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Current kid status, 9/23
You know how women can’t squat or kneel in modern jeans without a certain cleft showing? Welcome to the preschool ice cream social.
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I had recently heard of "Toy Timeouts" where you have a basket that toys go to until the following weekend if the kid doesn't keep them picked up. Unfortunately, my daughter turned it around on me last night. She was ready to get out of the tub and I asked her to pick up her bath toys first. She said, "No, that's OK. You can put them on toy timeout." Effectively, she was paying me to pick up her toys. I went ahead and did it, just to show that I would, but it wasn't really the effect I was looking for.
ZING! We've run into this too. "Put my toys in timeout, I don't give a shit. I ain't pickin' up CRAP."
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Current kid status, 9/23
You know how women can’t squat or kneel in modern jeans without a certain cleft showing? Welcome to the preschool ice cream social.
This is one of the reasons I get up in the morning.
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I don't get it.
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I don't get it.
Who is at preschool functions?
Young mothers with small children.
What are they apt to do while there?
Bend, crouch or stoop over whilst interacting with their pre-schooler.
What's the result?
Very delectable plumber-itis.
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Who is at preschool functions?
Young mothers with small children.
What are they apt to do while there?
Bend, crouch or stoop over whilst interacting with their pre-schooler.
What's the result?
Very delectable plumber-itis.
Also, preschool teachers, who are likely to be young women in casual dress. Same deal. (At least, I assumed he meant preschool teachers there.)
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Current kid status, 10/03
Dad Cooks Breakfast: two popsicles, fifteen crackers, four episodes of Curious George. This is steadily becoming a Cosby routine.
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Current kid status, 10/06
This poor one year-old kid did an open-mouthed faceplant in the goat petting pen. It was the stuff of nightmares. Yes, he got some of that stuff.
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And thus his career in niche porn is started...
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Thank god that one is off the main page. Yuck.
Current kid status, 10/19
We had a little "Oktoberfest" of our own: apple slices, chocolate milk, and a fight about putting ##### on.
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Current kid status, 10/30
She cooked me giraffe soup in a pitcher of water on the deck, using only a fork and a few decomposing tissues.
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Current kid status, 11/2
You can unspool a roll of toilet paper all over the floor, yes, but it’s really just a waste of money.
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Truthfully though, not very much money.
The problem with kids though, as I alluded to in an earlier thread, is that once is never enough. Even unspooled TP after the 50th pass retains toddler amusement value.
Plus the dog is likely to be pretty backed up by that point.
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Very delectable plumber-itis.
Shows you where I'm comin' from. I had in mind a camel toe, but with jeans, yeah, you are prolly right. Also it has to be extra delectable to spy a "stripper tat" peakin' out.
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dude, what?
I can appreciate butts, but the plumber-crack part is not a good part. It's about the meat, goddamnit!
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dude, what?
I can appreciate butts, but the plumber-crack part is not a good part. It's about the meat, goddamnit!
The Salmon or the Ham?
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dude, what?
I can appreciate butts, but the plumber-crack part is not a good part. It's about the meat, goddamnit!
One takes what one can get, I suppose.
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Current kid status, 11/14
I actually told my child that if she finished her chocolate she could have some tater tots. To my credit, I immediately decided that I was garbage.
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Current kid status, 11/27
Today, she departs bittersweet. She waves to you, in her trendy clog shoes with the aftermarket Tinkerbell pin. She wears her Alice in Wonderland costume, but then chooses to be naked while scrubbing the popsicle mold in the kitchen sink. She asks for a piece of chocolate as big as herself, pretends her bed is a big red airplane, and wisely says that if we fill the bathtub up more deeply tomorrow, we might get a whirlpool when it drains.
That's it for the kid status. The hundreds of collected updates are now available here.
Yes, it's nostalgic for me too.
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When it's time, it's time, I guess.
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Being the market mastermind that he is, he will wait until he's exhausted the sales potential of the baby update book, then have another child and start again.
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I feel like Stad The Younger is turning 18 and moving off to college. But really, she's still a toddler. Maybe she's still moving off to college? Her dad's a Stanford man, so she's got to be pretty smart, too.
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Hmmm... I remember figuring out the Stanford thing a while ago. Where is that bit of information actually mentioned? You know in case I have to cite it and all.
I'm a little curious about the choice of ending the baby / kid / toddler updates now. Chris, you're right around the corner from having real conversations with the wee beastie. Having a serious conversation with a five year old is like getting high for the first time again. Enjoy it. Savor it. It's only a few years after that when all they understand is gossip and the gross consumer bullshit that gets fed to them.
I guess I'm bitter. I have this cousin who is so wonderful and smart. But around 8 or 9 she stopped being able to speak in sentences that didn't contain the names of other children or those of licensed products. The modern incarnation of the Disney channel is quite evil.
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Well, maybe the time that she can start having real conversations is exactly when she needs to have some privacy and not have someone else posting her words on the Internet. Or maybe it's just doesn't work as well for him Artistically as putting his own words to the blank canvas that is the pre-talking kid.
Anyway, we can't fight it. Farewell, baby updates.
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Hmmm... I remember figuring out the Stanford thing a while ago. Where is that bit of information actually mentioned? You know in case I have to cite it and all.
I'm a little curious about the choice of ending the baby / kid / toddler updates now. Chris, you're right around the corner from having real conversations with the wee beastie. Having a serious conversation with a five year old is like getting high for the first time again. Enjoy it. Savor it. It's only a few years after that when all they understand is gossip and the gross consumer bullshit that gets fed to them.
I guess I'm bitter. I have this cousin who is so wonderful and smart. But around 8 or 9 she stopped being able to speak in sentences that didn't contain the names of other children or those of licensed products. The modern incarnation of the Disney channel is quite evil.
I don't know if it's ever been brought up in his blog, but it's been mentioned several times in Onstad's various interviews.
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Also, this:
http://chappie.stanford.edu/staff/Chris%20Onstad/ (http://chappie.stanford.edu/staff/Chris%20Onstad/)
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Maybe he realized he was turning into James Lileks.
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http://chappie.stanford.edu/archives/1996-1997/power/interview_with_a_vagrant/ (http://chappie.stanford.edu/archives/1996-1997/power/interview_with_a_vagrant/)
Shit. This really lowers my opinion of the guy. Oh well, he draws funny comics.
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http://chappie.stanford.edu/archives/1996-1997/power/interview_with_a_vagrant/ (http://chappie.stanford.edu/archives/1996-1997/power/interview_with_a_vagrant/)
Shit. This really lowers my opinion of the guy. Oh well, he draws funny comics.
Idont know what exactly to make of that. I feel like it is so much that he must be putting us on like "this is the kind of stuff the stanford would ask, and this is what homeless people, as real humans, would answer." Basically I just dont think it is real. Onstad has a soul like the rest of us.
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I....
it's hilarious.
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I don't think he actually conducted such an interview, except maybe in his imagination.
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I don't think he actually conducted such an interview, except maybe in his imagination.
Exactly.